Smoke and Mirrors - Hollywood Knights One (16 page)

Chapter Thirty-Two

I woke up to Seth kissing my neck. I’d sort of
expected him to do the whole pulling away thing, so I figured the
kissing was a good sign. Then he slid his hand down between my
legs, and I stopped thinking for a while.

Round two was the complete opposite of what we’d
shared the night before. It was urgent, nearly frenzied, without
the drawn-out foreplay, and it was rough and needy instead of
gentle and tender. And it was hot as hell.

Only after we’d broken apart and were lying in bed
staring at the ceiling did Seth speak.

“Good morning,” he said.

I laughed. “Is it? Morning, I mean?”

Seth shifted until he could see the bed by the
clock. “Not exactly. It’s two.”

“Shit,” I said, sitting up. “Weren’t we supposed to
be out of here by now?”

Seth tugged me back down to snuggle against him. “I
arranged for a late check-out. We still have a little time.”

There was something sad, maybe even regretful, in
his voice, and it stopped me cold. He wasn’t in any hurry for our
time together to end because when we walked out the door of the
hotel, we’d have to put it all behind us. I snuggled closer to him
and wished that time would just stop.

It didn’t of course. It never does, even when it
seems to drag on. That morning, time flashed by all too quickly,
and soon enough we had to get out of bed and back into the shower,
then dress, pack up, and get ready to leave.

While I finished gathering up my stuff, Seth stepped
out onto the balcony again, leaving the door open behind him. I
watched the sea wind toss his damp hair and the bright autumn
sunlight glint off of it, turning the blond to spun gold. I
swallowed past a knot in my throat and walked out onto the balcony
to wrap my arms around him, just like I had the night before.

“C’mere,” he said, turning a little and guiding me
to stand beside him at the rail.

The view was breathtaking.

The Gulf off of Galveston Island is not the deep,
rich blue of the Pacific, or the dazzling turquoise of the
Caribbean. I’d heard from Elizabeth that its color could shift
almost like a mood ring, sometimes green, sometimes blue, and
sometimes a murky greenish-greyish-brownish shade. The water I
looked out on that morning was a dark blue, except for where the
sunlight glinted off the waves, turning them to silver-white fire.
The water reached out as far as the eye could see, and I found
myself unconsciously pressing closer to Seth.

“When I look at the ocean, I always feel so small,”
I told him.

“Yeah.”

“Not just because it’s so big, but because I think
about all that goes on under there that we don’t see. It’s full of
life. Little bitty fish and great big whales. And somewhere out
there are submarines, and underwater volcanoes, and trenches, and
things we humans haven’t even considered imagining. It’s
mind-blowing.”

Seth’s arms tightened around me a little, and I knew
I had his attention. So I kept talking.

“And then I think, the ocean is only a part of the
even bigger mystery that’s the Earth. And the Earth is only a small
part of the universe. And the universe is only a tiny part of
space. And I feel really, really tiny.” I paused for effect and to
choose my words. “Very tiny, and very significant.”

“Don’t you mean insignificant?” Seth asked.

“No. No, I don’t.” I turned to face
him. “Think about it. In all the vastness of reality, circumstances
aligned just right to create me. And you. Some people look at birth
and life like a happy coincidence, but think about it. If your mom
and dad hadn’t met, you wouldn’t exist. And if
their
parents hadn’t met, they
wouldn’t exist. And so on. So not only are the odds of us existing
at all astronomically against us, but the odds of us being exactly
who we are and not being miswired psychopaths or raving
assholes...” I shook my head. “Some people say that birth is a
miracle, and others say it’s just science, biology. I think I have
to say that while the process might be biology, the end result is
pretty miraculous.”

Seth was quiet for a long moment. I noticed that his
jaw was clenched and he was blinking a lot, but I didn’t look away
or pretend not to notice. Instead, I reached up to cup his cheek.
He turned his face toward my hand and kissed my palm.

“You’re definitely a miracle, Angel,” he said, his
voice low and rough with emotion.

“So are you, Seth,” I told him. “You’ll figure that
out one of these days.”

He pulled me close and rested his cheek against
mine. When I felt a trickle of wetness where our cheeks met, I knew
for certain he’d done it to hide his face. I hugged him hard,
stroked his hair, and waited. We were running out of time, but
time, the universe, and everything else could kiss my ass. Seth was
what mattered just then, and I was going to give him all the time
he needed.

Eventually, Seth pulled away and wiped at his eyes.
Without another word, he turned and went inside, grabbed his
duffle, and headed for the door. I sighed and followed. We didn’t
speak to each other much until after he’d checked us out of the
hotel and we were in the car and strapped in. Then he told me he’d
been talking to JT via text message. He gave me a brief recap.

JT had given Seth the address where his band was
playing that night. Some of the bigwigs were pissed that he’d
missed soundcheck, but his band mates got it, and Seth didn’t seem
to give a shit what anyone thought, anyway. He would be at the
venue in plenty of time to warm up and get ready for the show, and
that’s all that mattered to him.

The venue was about an hour from the island, so we
grabbed some fast food, Seth queued up some good music on his iPod
and plugged it into the rental car’s stereo, and we hit the
interstate. Once I’d finished my burger —breakfast of champions— I
sang along with the songs I knew, which was almost all of them.
Seth stayed quiet, but he didn’t seem as pensive or strained as he
had the night before. Sometimes he tapped along with the beat or
played a few measures of air guitar. I figured he was saving his
voice more than withdrawing. At least I hoped that was the
case.

We made the drive in companionable
not-quite-silence. When we reached the venue, I suddenly felt as if
I should maybe have driven a little slower, drawing things out. I
sighed as I slid the gearshift into park and turned the key off. We
sat there for a minute, not speaking, listening to the pings and
pops of the engine cooling.

After a couple of minutes, Seth released his
seatbelt and half-turned in his seat so that he was more or less
facing me.

“We need to talk about last night,” he said.

I let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed my
forehead, right between my eyes. “Seth—”

“No, Jenny. Let me talk.”

I crossed my arms across my chest and stared
straight ahead, but I let him talk.

“Look, Jenny...you know I’m not in a good place
right now. And I know you’re still trying to deal with what
happened to Rob. We both know damned good and well that last night
is...what it was. It’s not headed anywhere...at least not right
now.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “And that
sucks.”

I turned to look at him then.

“You’re an amazing woman, Jenny. And a great friend.
But I’m tired of being a fucked up mess. I need time to get my head
right.”

“You’re not a fucked up mess.”

Seth gave me a hard look.

“Well, not completely.”

He gave me a tired smile. “When it comes to
relationships, I sure as hell am.”

I conceded the point with a one-shoulder shrug.

“Look, I’m not asking you to wait
around for me to get my shit straight. I just...I just needed you
to know that last night didn’t mean
nothing
.”

I tried to blink back sudden tears, but they escaped
to blaze a trail down my cheeks. I reached out blindly for Seth’s
hand and grasped it tightly between both of mine.

“I do know that, Seth. I’m not a complete idiot.” I
took a breath. “I just don’t want this to change things. Can we not
let this make things awkward?”

Something that wasn’t really a smile twisted Seth’s
mouth. “I doubt it. Things have changed. Until we figure out what
that means, we’re gonna feel a little weird. We’re just gonna have
to deal with it.”

I wiped the tears off my face and nodded. “How the
hell is it that someone who understands relationships so well keeps
fucking them up?”

Seth barked out a surprised laugh and then covered
his mouth with his free hand, like maybe the sound had shocked him.
Then he shook his head.

“Um. Those who can, do, and those who can’t give
good advice?”

I grinned. “Sounds about right.” I leaned forward
and pressed a gentle kiss to Seth’s mouth. “You better go before
they send out a search party.”

“Yeah.” He studied my face for a moment, then kissed
my forehead. “Have a safe trip home, Angel. Let me know when you
get there.”

I nodded. “Kick ass tonight.”

He gave me his best devil-may-care grin.
“Always.”

Then he hopped out of the car, grabbed his bag, and
walked away without looking back.

Chapter Thirty-Three

When I got back to L.A., I headed straight
home, wanting nothing more than a hit of Seth’s Scotch and a long
nap.  Life, of course, had other plans. 

I’d made the mistake of giving my friends my
itinerary, so Lori met me at my front door.  She asked a
million questions, most of them before I’d even cleared the
foyer.  She asked about the arrest, about Erica, and about how
Seth was dealing with the situation.  I didn’t want to talk
about it —any of it— and I almost said something I knew I would
regret.  Instead, I told her what I could about the FBI’s
involvement and Hailey’s arrest. 

“Unless they find out she’s done even more
damage than they realize, or they find that she stole from Seth or
the band, I doubt it’ll even make the news,” I told her.  “But
Erica will keep me in the loop.”

“I’m still pissed I didn’t get to go,” she
told me.

“Maybe next time.”

She beamed at me.  “Really?”

“I’ll see what I can do,” I
promised. 

After what seemed like an eternity but was
only a couple of hours, Lori finally headed home, leaving me in
peace.  I helped myself to a Scotch and Coke and contemplated
for a long moment before taking it upstairs instead of out to the
hot tub. 

At the top of the stairs, I paused. 
When I started moving again, my feet carried me toward Seth’s room
instead of my own.  I hovered in the doorway to his room,
taking in the details as if I’d never seen them before: the huge
four-poster bed with green and silver drapes and a fluffy green and
silver duvet, smoothed into place quite recently by Seth’s cleaning
service; the small loveseat, piled up with miscellaneous stuff; the
random bric-a-brac scattered across the smooth, dark wood of Seth’s
dresser.  I padded through the room and into the master bath,
pausing just past the threshold to bury my face in the bathrobe
hanging on the back of the door.  It smelled like Seth, just
as I’d known it would.

For a minute, I contemplated trading my
clothes for the robe, wrapping myself up in his scent.  But
then I reminded myself that I’m not that kind of girl.  I
turned on my heel and went back down the hall to my own room to
curl up in my own bed.

And when I found myself checking my text
messages every ten minutes to see if Seth had replied to mine, I
gave myself a firm, mental kick, turned off my phone, threw it in
the drawer by my bed, and went the hell to sleep.  I had said
that I didn’t want things to change, and that refusal to upset the
status quo needed to start with me.  I knew who Seth
was.  I knew how he operated.  I knew I’d likely get a
text back at some bizarre and ungodly hour of morning and then not
hear from him for a week.  And I was just going to have to be
okay with that.

But I wasn’t.  I wasn’t okay with it, no
matter how hard I tried to be. 
Things 
had 
changed, and I couldn’t help that it
hurt when I didn’t hear from him, when communication between us
went right back to how it had been, when he never said he missed me
or that he couldn’t wait to see me again.

I’m only human, after all.

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of at
least hiding my hurt from my friends and family, up until a casual
gathering at Seth’s about three weeks after Hailey’s arrest. 
Everyone was gathered around the firepit on the back deck, drinking
good beer or hot chocolate and listening to Brian play his
guitar.  Autumn was in the air, now that late October had
arrived, and it made me think of Seth, as it always did.  It’s
his favorite time of year, and his favorite day, Halloween, was
just a few days away.  I missed him, even though I didn’t want
to, and it put me in a pissy mood.

At some point, I ended up in the kitchen,
just leaning against the counter and watching my friends through
the slits in the blinds.  They all seemed to be having a great
time, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

I was so lost in contemplation that I nearly
jumped out of my skin when London asked, “So are you going to tell
me what’s bugging you, or do I need to guess?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I responded
automatically.

“Bullshit,” London said, leaning against the
island across from me.  “You do realize who you’re lying to,
right?”

It’s hard to hide your feelings when one of
your close friends is an empath.  I crossed my arms across my
chest and glared at him. “I thought you were all about asking
permission before you used your powers on someone.”

“I didn’t—”  He broke off, sighing as he
ran his hands through his hair, which was getting long now, past
his shoulders, and had been bleached by a lot of time in the
sun.  “I didn’t need to, Jen.  It’s pretty obvious.”