Snake Typhoon! (3 page)

We scramble to the door and pummel our fists on the glass, the pilot gasping for breath. “Let us in! Help!”

I crane my neck to see how close they are, then the door opens and we fall through.

Chapter Three

An officer stands in our path. He’s tall and imposing and has absolutely no expression on his face. His buzz-cut and steely blue eyes give me the creeps.

“I’m the herpetologist you sent for,” I say, my voice breathless from anxiety. “The snake typhoon…”

He interrupts me, “That’d be Bluey you’re after then.”

“What?” I ask dumbly.

“Bluey, that guy over there.” He closes the door behind us and points to a red-headed guy who’s as sun-starved as anyone I’ve ever seen. “Bluey had a roll in the hay with Loose-y Lucy and hasn’t stopped scratching since.”

Bluey hangs his head and does his best to hide behind his desk.

“What?” Is Loose-y Lucy a new species of snake? “Was he bitten?” I give Bluey the once-over. He doesn’t look like someone who is in the throes of venomous snake poisoning. I pull out my manual from my top pocket and flick through for references of Loose-y Lucy. Nothing.

“You could say that. Covered in love bumps. But he ain’t the first and won’t be the last. What kind of meds can you give him? I mean, herpes is herpes, hey?”

“Excuse me?”

“We sent for a herpetologist. A doctor, like,” the officer says, belligerently.

Wait a minute. “You sent for a herpetologist? For herpes?”

“Yeah, what of it? We Googled it, and up you popped. So, if you don’t mind, sort out our mate here.” He nods to Bluey with a flick of his large head, his sweat flying off and raining on me.

I try to halt my rising blood pressure by using techniques I’ve learned from
How to Find your Happy Place, for Dummies
, but it’s impossible.

I wipe his noxious sweat from my brow. “Are you telling me you called a
herpetologist
to deal with a case of
herpes
? I mean, it sounds ludicrous even saying it!” I manage through clenched teeth.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m sayin’” he says, an evil smirk alighting on his face.

“I hate to break it to you, dude, but a herpetologist is a zoologist who studies reptiles and amphibians. And, right now, we have a major crisis on our hands. The snakes, the typhoon, they’re heading this way!”

“Wait, that’s real? Our reports suggested it was a simple ecological anomaly that would be contained before it reached us.”

“Bad news. It’s not contained and it’s almost here.”

The officer waves his staff over. “Shit, you gotta fix Bluey first. He’s our meteorologist, and obviously all his scratching has distracted him from doing his job properly.” The officer throws Bluey a dark look.

I think back to the vials in the first aid kit. “Fine,” I say. “My backpack and the medi-bag are by the front door. Get someone to grab them while I explain to you what’s going on. Bluey, you contact my team and tell them it’s an ESOE.”

The officer nods and yells an order to a stick-thin guy who, unbeknownst to me, is standing so close I mistake him for my shadow. He runs out the double doors, which clang shut after him, but not before I see that the sunshine has completely disappeared and been replaced by blackness.

“Come back!” I race to the door to peer out. It’s too late, I can’t see anything.

All eyes are suddenly fixed on me. The officer says, “Talk us through it, what exactly is it?”

The group edges closer, so I take a deep breath to steady the rising panic and explain as quickly as I can. “There is a typhoon heading this way, and it’s full of snakes. Taipans. One of the most venomous snakes in Australia.”

Bluey speaks up, “Er, it’s actually called a cyclone in Australia.”

“Yes, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it.” I shoot him a viperous look.

“Right,” Bluey says, nodding.

“So we need to figure out why they’re here, and how we can stop them. I have a few ideas…”

I’m about to tell them my plan when Shadow Guy runs back into the room screaming. He’s covered in bites and is clawing at his skin, which is shredded like he’s run through a cheese grater. He drops the medi-bag on the floor and falls to the ground writhing and cursing like some kind of rapper.

“Mate!” Bluey screams and runs to his colleague.

The group gathers round to examine him. “He’s been bitten!”

I do the Tenacious D running knee slide and land at Shadow Guy’s feet. Leaning over him, I’m almost knocked out by the stench of body odour that pours from his pores. Taking a deep, toxic breath I rip open his shirt and check out the bite marks. Yes. Snake bites. Lots of them.

“Shadow Guy,” I say, clutching his face and staring into his frozen eyes. “Were they taipans? Is it raining taipans?”

“It…t…t…t…” he manages.

I wrench his face closer to mine, “Snakes! Is it raining snakes?”

“Y…y…y…y…”

“This might take a while,” Bluey says, glancing over at me.

“Yeah, the venom is working its way around his bloodstream.”

“No, not because of that. He’s got a stutter.”

“Oh.” I start making snake-like gestures with my hands and darting my tongue out of my mouth. “Like that?” I ask.

His eyes go so wide I see his thought process, and it’s not good. He grunts and moans, then half-heartedly gesticulates, but there is no time for charades. I grab the bag, a new syringe, and another red vial. I plunge the needle into his chest with a resounding
oomph
, and depress the crimson liquid into Shadow Guy’s heart. He lets out a pig-like squeal of protest.

The temperature drops, and the room becomes dark as midnight. Wind belts through the building, and tin clanks above us. Shit. If the roof blows off, we’re all dead. “It’s the snake typhoon!”

“What do we do?” Bluey howls.

Water seeps underneath the doors, and I see snake tongues dart through the tiny crack. “Guys, quick, they’re here!” I scan the secret government department for weapons.

All eyes turn towards the water. “But how?” cries Bluey. “There’s no water for miles around here.”

“Typhoon, that’s how.” Their scared little boy faces peer at me, and I realise that if there’s to be any hope, it’s going to fall to me to fix it.

“OK, it’s OK,” I reassure them as I search the compartments of my brain for every training manual I’ve ever read.

The group look frightened, their faces pinched and complexions green. There’s no time to wonder about who trained them to be secret government officers. This only steels my resolve. I will save them.

Thunder rumbles and lightning sizzles the tin roof. The puddle of water seeping under the crevice of the door becomes a flood, flowing in red from the dirt and ballooning the double doors with pressure. The snakes start their spooky, high-pitched screams.

I give Shadow Guy a cursory glance. I don’t think he’s going to make it by the look of his non-moving, open eyes, and the fact that his chest isn’t rising. I shake my head. I must focus on the mission before I grieve over casualties.

What are snakes afraid of? My mind spins through my four years of university training. All those days in the field, inching up slowly to snakes to study them. What do they hate? The guys are huddled together, arms crossed tightly over their chests. With no warning, and no idea the snake typhoon was imminent, they are dumb with fear.

The taipans smash at the small windows, their evil, flinty eyes staring straight at me, making me shudder.

“Fire!” I yell. “Snakes are afraid of fire! It’s the only thing that’ll stop them from getting inside!” I weigh up the risks of the building burning on top of us, or the snakes biting us to death, and realise it’s worth the chance. We’ll have to try to kill as many as we can, and pray Cindii and Jay will arrive with some heavy- duty weapons of snake destruction.

All eyes turn to me. “OK, fuel, we need fuel. Something ignitable.”

Bluey runs to a storeroom and comes back with a jerry can. “Petrol!” he bellows.

I snatch the can and pour the pungent liquid in a circle around the edge of the room.

“It’s the apocalypse!” screams Shadow Guy from the floor and I nearly fall over when I see he’s alive.

“Guys, pull him inside the circle. Quick!” I strike the match as Bluey pulls his half-dead friend inside the safe zone. I drop the match and with a
whoosh!
the circle lights up.

I find a bag of rags. If I can fashion them into flame-throwers, we might get out alive. The bright-orange blaze takes the chill off the room, and we’re mesmerised by the flames. My chest heaves in awe until the curtains catch fire and the insulation in the ceiling ignites. Shit! It’s happening too soon. Electricity crackles before the lights burst like fireworks and rain minuscule shards of glass on us.

“Bluey, break up the chairs, quick as you can, then tie these rags onto the wood and dunk them in petrol, got it?”

He nods and rushes off. I motion to the pilot to help him. They bring back the wood and rags and I pass them the lighter. “Right, don’t light it yet, wait until we need to get outside. Stick together.”

I get perilously close to the window, and peer through the blackened glass. No sign of taipans. I edge closer.

“Guys, come quick. They’re gone!” The men rush up behind me, cheering. Where are the fucking taipans? I turn away from the window, discombobulated when I see her. I lurch forward. Between the dirty, sweat-stained, blackened faces is a clean one. Cindii. I have never been so relieved to see her bleached- blonde hair and shiny white teeth in all my life. I tumble into her arms. “You’re here!”

“I’m here.” She laughs into my ear. “I can’t believe you made it through the typhoon and saved the men from the secret government department. You’re amazing, Kez! Are you hurt?” She scrutinises me; my uniform is ripped and shredded from the explosion, there are thick, dried blood stains on my knees and soot from the fire coats my arms.

“I’m OK. Just a few scratches.” I gaze at her in wonder. Her hair is silky smooth and her big blue eyes are so vivid I feel like taking a swim in them.

“I’ve been so worried about you!” she says, and pulls me close.

“Where’s Jay?” I finally ask.

“He’s outside.”

“What! What about the snake typhoon?”

“Controlled, for now. Jay erected one of those plastic wraps, Under the Dome
^TM
, you can buy from the shopping channel. He got two for the price of one, so he was happy to share. He also got a set of steak knives, but he’s going to sell those online.”

“Wait. Plastic wrap? That’s not going to hold them long.” The panic returns in a queasy lump.

“Yeah, I told him that, but you know Jay, a man who devotes his life to shopping.”

He does? Then I recall, the flat pack furniture obsession, the desperate online auction bidding... The shine’s beginning to wear off Jay in a big way. “Yeah,” I mumble as the building creaks. I look up at the ceiling; it’s bowed and bent and looks as though it’s going to fall any second.

“Kez,” Cindii says, stroking my cheek. “In case we don’t make it through, I want you to know I’m…in love with you…”

Hold the phone! She’s…wait… Timber buckles from the ceiling recess and sparks fly, igniting the wood. My eyes start to sting from the smoke. I need to get us out now.

“Cindii,” I say urgently, pulling her upwards from the floor, “We have to get out of here before the building burns down.”

She shakes the love-struck look off her face. “You’re right! We need to work out how to stop the Under the Dome
^TM
from deflating too!”

My heart races and my mind is fuzzy. The building screeches, dragging me back to the moment.

“Let’s go!” I say, and throw her over my shoulder like some kind of fireman.

Chapter Four

The secret government department collapses in on itself like a house of cards. I turn briefly to watch it, before I pivot and sprint towards the exit. The fire crackles and shrieks as though it’s alive. Throwing open the door with one hand while holding Cindii’s calf with the other, I see my team assembled Under the Dome
^TM
. Well, I see the whites of their eyes. It’s pitch black under the plastic bubble. A huge cluster of taipans are squirming and slithering atop. They knot together to form a massive black-brown, beady-eyed, yellow-bellied screamfest. I’m absolutely sure we’re all going to die.

“How is plastic wrap keeping them out?” I wonder aloud.

Jay pipes up. “It’s industrial strength…” he winks. “And we’ve got an air compressor here, blowing it up against their weight.” He brushes a perfectly manicured hand through his Ken doll hair. He’s not bloody Safari Ken, he’s online shopper Ken.

Gently, I lower Cindii down and give her a tight squeeze. Her breasts rub against mine and, for some unfathomable reason, I picture us kissing. It’s been a helluva a few hours and I can’t think straight. I gaze around the half circle before my eyes alight on a group of shabby-looking, extremely worn-out men. “Guys!” I holler.

Standing in a corner of the dome are the men from the secret government department.

Bluey walks over to me. “I’ve got some bad news.”

“What?” I say, frowning.

“The bloke you call Shadow Guy. He didn’t make it. But don’t be sad. He believes in the afterlife.”

I drop my bottom lip, truly miserable until I realise Shadow Guy is quite likely a vampire, and will come back in the sequel. My heart lifts at the thought.

The officers all lean in for a group hug. Even though they don’t seem to be very well trained, I do have a soft spot for them.

I break away and say, “This is really sweet and everything, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to cut the hugging short. We’re in a state of emergency here.”

Clapping my hands for attention, I say, “Bluey, you get working on those weather forecasts, see if you can detect a pattern.” He nods and jogs to the corner where a make-shift desk has been erected from old milk crates.

“OK,” I say to Jay and Cindii. “The only way for us to get to safety is to head to a salt-water source. Taipans don’t like salty water, and we can tread…”

Jay interrupts, “Great plan. But how do we know which way to go?”