Sneaky Pie for President

A Note from the Author

From a writer’s perspective, the line between fact and fiction is considerably less clear than most readers realize.

To illustrate my point, I’ll provide an example. Naturally, I am the star of the book you are about to read, but this very important tome also features (in much less important roles) the fat cat Pewter and the wise corgi Tucker—both of whom will be familiar to readers of my bestselling Mrs. Murphy mystery series showcasing the misadventures of a hapless human called Harry Haristeen. Neither Mrs. Murphy nor Harry show up here but, no big surprise, another human intrudes in these pages now and then.

You have never before met Tally, a Jack Russell featured herein, whom I live with in real life. I do not include her in the mysteries. She’s enough trouble as it is. The Human referred to throughout is my co-writer, Rita Mae Brown. In truth, her role as co-writer is a minor
one, in that she merely writes down what I say—but it’s unlike me to denigrate her publicly, discretion being the better part of valor. (She gets cranky and then there are less treats for all. Also, she takes care of mailings so I must tread oh-so-carefully.)

Now, on to more important matters, like saving the planet!

Vote for me!

A United Front, with Tails

“When in the Course of human events.” Sneaky Pie took a breath. The cat paused in her reciting. “There’s the fatal flaw right there!
Human
. The Declaration of Independence limits itself to a species that has weak senses and is highly irrational.”

“Well, there’s nothing we can do about it,” Pewter replied to the sleek tiger cat. She had just found the perfect spot of sunlight to relax in. “Why get worked up over it?”

But the gray cat’s political apathy did not at all slow down the now-worked-up Sneaky Pie. “Leave these humans to their own devices and eventually laws will be passed forcing us to wear clothes.”

“You can’t be serious.” Pewter’s voice rose sharply.

“Underpants?” Awakened by the talk, Tally, the Jack
Russell, roused herself. “Underpants. I’m not wearing underpants.”

“Oh, I can see you now, a lovely floral pair of silk panties with precious lace.” Pewter licked her lips, a hint of malice enlivening her face.

“Panties! Panties! Never.” The pint-sized dynamo ran in circles as if chasing her tail.

“Sit down, idiot,” Tee Tucker, the corgi, commanded her housemate.

“I am not an idiot.” Tally sat, but not before baring her impressive white fangs.

“Dogs forced to wear silly outfits is not so far-fetched,” said Sneaky Pie. “You’ve listened to the presidential debates. One Bible-thumping fellow thinks if gay marriage is passed, humans will want to marry animals. Making us wear clothes might just be the next step after that.” Sneaky imagined the future with such a president.

“Gross!” Pewter spat out.

“Sex. Sex. Sex!” Tally jumped up, running in circles again.

“Sit down, for Christ’s sake. You’re making me dizzy,” Tucker again commanded.

“Underpants, sex.” The pretty little rough-coated Jack Russell raised her eyebrows. “This is just too weird.”

“That’s my point.” Sneaky Pie walked over to the distressed dog. “If a human running for president wastes everyone’s
time yammering about deviant sex, politics has gone truly off the rails.”

“Zoom!” Tucker moved her head as though watching a speeding train, lowering her voice. She asked her three friend animals, “Have you had deviant sex?”

Sneaky Pie swatted her right on the rump. “Of course not! Among us, let’s raise the tone, please!”

“Sex! Sex! Sex!” Tally shrieked in opposition.

“Will you sit down!” Both cats shouted at the young un-spayed female dog.

Tears came to Tally’s soft brown eyes. “I don’t want to wear frilly underpants. What can we do?”

“How about a Declaration of Independence for animals?” Pewter sensibly suggested. “People revere Thomas Jefferson’s writing on humans’ so-called inalienable rights, or they pretend to do so, anyway.”

“
Pretend
is the operative word. Believe me, if he came back and tried to run as a candidate today, they’d throw him out of Convention Hall,” Tucker declared.

“Back to my original thought, there’s nothing we can do about it,” said Pewter.

“Pewts, if these humans destroy their political system, it’s going to affect us one way or the other. We are Americats, after all.”

Tally jumped up in excitement, then sat right back down
when she noticed all the others giving her the evil eye. “I’m an Ameridog.”

“Doesn’t sound as cool,” Pewter scoffed, casually licking her front paw.

“Still counts.” Tally took on a belligerent tone.

“She’s right. We’re all Americans.” Tucker seconded Tally.

“Yes, you are,” Sneaky conceded. “Okay, the clothing and sex sickness among humans is bad enough. Even worse, their drilling, logging, mining could wipe out where we live. Chemicals, especially from some kinds of mining, leak into the soil, then into the water supply. It doesn’t look good.”

“Logging’s okay,” said Tally, now sitting herself next to Pewter, then leaning on the large cat. “You can always grow more trees.”