So Many Reasons Why (4 page)

Almost instantly I had a reply.

Now I am embarrassed. Is there an undo button on this
thing?

I laughed loudly. Too loudly. This time all three girls
stared at me. I might as well have jumped on the coffee table and performed a
strip tease. I'm sure it would have gotten me less strange looks.

“Something funny?” Asked Cass dryly. I shook my head, and
smiled. I waited until they had all returned their attention to the movie.

Simon,

Its okay, no need to be embarrassed. We all jump to
conclusions at some time or another. Thanks for your help with the essay and
your feedback. The notes I will go through tonight and probably email you a
million questions. Feel free to tell me to stop if I get too annoying.

By the way, I lied. I did see your picture.

Emma

I felt a feeling in my stomach I don't think I had ever felt
before. Good butterflies. I had no idea good butterflies existed! And here I
was thinking all butterflies were evil. After hearing stories of the girl’s
crushes over the years, it felt good to finally have my own, though I'm sure I
wasn't alone. I was pretty sure the entire female population of the class would
also be crushing on Simon.

But the girls love assholes, don't they?

I don't know if it was the hot weather, the fact that I'd
had way too much caffeine, or the fact that I hadn't heard back from Simon, but
I just couldn't get to sleep. My mind was in overdrive.

Maybe it was a combination of all three. And now I was hot.
In the middle of fucking winter! I threw the covers off in disgust.

Tom stirred next to me. I felt guilty. I had completely
forgotten he was there. He had come over after the girls had gone.

       “Tom, you awake?”

“Mwwmrndvph” Tom mumbled incoherently, rolling over. I
nudged him. Hard. “Yeah, now I am.” He sat up, and stretched, glancing around
the room. “What time is it?”

“It's early. 12am. Midnight” I admitted.

“You okay? Another nightmare?” Tom turned to me, a concerned
look etched across his face. His eyes searched mine for signs of trauma. I
loved that about him. The nightmares were so often that he usually wound up
sleeping in my bed when he stayed over.

“I’m fine.” I reassured him, not adding that I hadn't slept
yet to be able to have had a nightmare. Reaching for his hand. I lay back in
his arms, snuggling in against the cold. His skin was so warm, much warmer than
my now cold as ice skin. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah? Course we can.” He gently tickled my shoulder as I
tried to squirm away. “What’s on your mind?”

“I’m-Well, we...” I had no idea how to broach the subject.
“I think I have a crush on someone.” I confessed. I pulled away slightly,
unsure of how he would take it. I swear I could see the shadow of a smile on
his lips.

“Really?” He seemed amused. He hugged me closer. The news of
me having a crush made him happy.

“Okay, I am now more confused. I thought you'd be mad.”

“I’m not mad. Em, you're my best friend. I want you happy.
We have never really been anything more than friends.” He stopped. “No.” He
corrected himself “We have always been more than friends. Best friends.”

“So you're not mad?” I repeated.

“Why would I be mad?” He shrugged, smiling. He had a point.
Why on earth had I thought he would be mad? “Is this the first time- Is this
your first crush since..?” his voice trailed off.

“Yes.” I admitted. I knew where he was heading. “Not that it
will go anywhere. Which I guess is why I am so comfortable with it.” Tom
nodded. He brushed a finger through my hair.

“It won’t go anywhere or it can’t go anywhere? There is a
difference, you know.”

I thought about it. I guess it was both. What made me
comfortable was that it couldn't go anywhere, even if by some long shot the
feelings were mutual.

“Both. It can't, but if it could I don't think I could.” I
paused. Part of me really wanted to tell someone. I thought he'd take it better
than Cass. “I think I have a crush on Simon. That’s why I thought you'd be
mad.”

“Who’s S- Oh?” Tom grinned, his eyes wide. “I can't believe
my girl is in love.” He teased. “And with a teacher. You little sex kitten.
What is he, twice your age?” He hugged me. “My little Lolita.” I wiggled my way
out of his grasp to glare at him.

“I’m not in love, you dickhead.” I retorted, blushing bright
red. “It’s been a few emails, and he's not twice my age. He's nearly twice my
age.” I corrected, climbing out of bed, hitting him over the head with my
pillow in the process. He laughed, lifting his arms to protect himself from my
attack.

“I'm going to make some toast. Go back to sleep.” I kissed
him on the cheek and disappeared into the kitchen. I could faintly hear him
chanting 'Emma's hot for teacher'. Maybe telling him was a bad idea. I'd never
hear the end of it now.

I sat down with my toast and opened my laptop. There was no
way I'd get back to sleep now. Settling on the couch with notes in hand, I set
my laptop up. Of course, the notes were just a cover to convince the serious
Emma in me I was here to study. We both knew I had no intention of doing any
work right now. Oh fuck. I was one of those people. You know who I'm talking
about, always on the phone, emails constantly pinging through.

All in the space of a day. And all because of one guy.

I opened my email.

I felt my heart leap.

Yes.

An email.

His replies were like crack at the moment. Every time one
came through, there was me almost sitting on the laptop, ready to reply right
away. I wasn't sure I liked the accuracy of that mental picture.

Emma,

Ha, I knew you couldn't resist checking out my
picture, to see if my wit and humour matched my looks. I don't know why I am
still awake, I have a big day tomorrow, I should have been asleep hours ago.
Actually I do know why I am still awake. Though I won't burden you with my
family issues.

I found some more articles which might help your
essay. I need to watch myself here though, I'm bordering on giving you too much
assistance.

Simon.

My eyes grazed past the clock. 12. 09am.

Happy bubbly normal Emma was elated that Simon was obviously
still up, and thinking about her. Anxious, nervous Emma was wondering why her
professor was up at 12:09 emailing a student. And what did he mean about family
issues? 

Vodka. I needed vodka.

Anxious nervous Emma couldn't handle her alcohol, and right
now, we needed her gone.

I jumped up and raided Tom’s stash, the one he didn't think
I knew about, behind the cheerio’s’. One time I'd become so desperate to
replace his stash I'd filled a half full bottle of vodka with water. If he ever
noticed, he never said anything to me about it.

I inspected the fridge to see what I could mix it with.
Milk, gah. And the thought of orange juice and vodka made my stomach
turn.  Apple juice? Would that work? I decided to risk it. The flavour was
surprisingly refreshing. Maybe I'd just stumbled upon the next big thing in
mixer drinks.

I read his email. Twice. He had such nice words. I giggled
to myself. Nice words? The alcohol was obviously going straight to my head. In
the back of my mind I was worried he might stop emailing me because it was
inappropriate. Sure, there were lines we were crossing, but we were emailing
each other in the middle of the night. Something was going on. I wasn't sure I
could stop this, even if I wanted to.

Hi Simon,

Easy solution. No more helping me then. Don't mention
the course or cases in your emails. I really do love hearing from you, so I
hope this won’t stop you from emailing. In reference to your picture, yes your
looks certainly do match your wit and humour, but is that necessarily a good
thing? ;)

If talking about your family issues with a stranger
helps, then talk away. I know I feel better sometimes after a good chat. We
can't be strong all the time. Believe me, I've tried :)

Emma

An hour and he still hadn't replied. It was going on 1:30.
The obvious answer was that he had gone to sleep. My head was sorting through
all sorts of ridiculous scenarios as to why he hadn't replied, none of them
were pretty. Five more minutes, I decided. Who was I kidding? I'd wait all
night for a reply if that's what it took.

It was a good thing I didn't have his address as I'd
probably drive past to see if lights were on. Oh wait. That's right. Damn
agoraphobia. My chances of being a stalker were fairly limited. I wondered if I
paid a taxi would they drive past his house.

Are you still awake?

One single line. Of course I was awake.
Awake for as long
as you will be emailing me
, I thought.  If he'd emailed five minutes
later I'd have probably employed the services of the NY taxi fleet.

Yes

There. One word. No sign of slightly psychotic Emma in that
reply.

I was confused. What the hell was going on? I impatiently
stared at my inbox, waiting for a response.

The sudden vibration of my phone on the glass coffee table
sounded incredibly loud in the silence of my living room. As anyone who
receives a call in the wee hours of the morning would, I began to panic, all
the worst things in the world that could have happened were whirling through my
head. Gran had died. Or there was an accident. Or
he
had somehow found
me.

I stared at the phone as it continued to ring.

"Hello?' I whispered hoarsely. What if it was him? I
forced myself to stay calm. He hadn't even been granted parole yet. There was
no way in hell it could be him. No way.

I could feel the acid rising up from my stomach, regardless.
Apparently my nerves were not interested in logic. Tom. I should have woken
Tom. He was so much better at these situations than I was. Or maybe I just
handled things better with Tom around.

"Emma? A voice. A male voice. He sounded familiar, not
enough for me to place his voice. I felt the colour drain from my face. I slid
to the floor before my wobbling legs buckled under me. I was on the verge of
crying.

"Who is this?" My body wasn't yet ready to let go
of the expectation of bad news. This man was probably a doctor calling to tell
my whole family had perished in a fire. Surely there was a study supporting the
effectiveness of using an attractive voice or person when delivering bad news?
Or, maybe it was
him.
It had been ten years since I'd heard his voice. I
swore I'd never forget it. Maybe I had though. At age ten, surely his voice
would sound different compared to now? Maybe my hearing had developed so much
that-

"Simon. It's Simon."

My first reaction was who?

My second reaction was holy shit, it's Simon. His voice had
wavered when he repeated his name, like he had just realised what a bad idea
calling me at 1:30am was. I felt my body relax, only to tense up again when it
remembered I was on the phone to Simon. I needed a moment. I had been so
panicked that he might have found me, I'd worked myself up into a knot. I took
a few seconds to breath. A few seconds too long, apparently.

“Emma? Are you there?” He sounded so nervous. Hearing his
nerves settled mine slightly. We could be a bundle of nerves together!

"Oh, Simon, nice to hear from you at (I checked my
watch) 1:37am." I quipped, taking great amusement in his uncomfortable
silence. I pulled myself back onto the couch, feeling dizzy. I wasn’t sure if
the cause was the near panic attack, or the fact that I was talking to Simon.
Wonderful, sexy Simon. Or possibly a combination of both.

"Yes, well I realise how very stalkerish it is of me to
call so late. In fact I have no idea why I called other than I wanted to hear
your voice." He sounded embarrassed. More than embarrassed, he sounded
horrified.  “God, I sound like a raging lunatic.” He did sound like a lunatic.
You'd think this sort of behaviour would have an agoraphobic hiding under the
bed, but no, I was lapping it up. Any attention this man gave me simply wasn't
enough, yet at the same time it was scaring the shit out of me. How was that
even possible?

"Well, you've heard it now." I joked. My attempt
at trying to lighten the mood failed. Yep. I was definitely not a comic. “My
voice, that is.” I added hastily. I was sounding like more of a lunatic than he
was.

Maybe he should be the one hiding under the bed. “I like
that you called.” I added softly.

I wasn't sure if that was true or not. I was excited that he
rang me, but all my defences were screaming at me that this guy was insane. Who
calls someone they barely know in the middle of the night?

This was worse than the drunk dials I'd listened to on
Cass's voice mail. Though some of them were pretty bad.

  “I- what you said, about talking. You're right.
Sometimes it does help.”

“What’s going on? I probably can't help, but getting it out
of your head sometimes makes it easier.” I reasoned. He sighed.

“Just issues with my sister. She is severely disabled, which
takes so much out of my mother, looking after her. Yesterday was the
anniversary of my father’s death.” He added.

I breathed out quickly. How selfish was I, thinking I was
the only one with problems. It was so easy to forget there are other people out
there with issues too. Maybe self-absorbed was the perfect way to describe me.

"Honestly Emma, I have no idea what I am doing here.
For the record, I have never done this, started anything with a student. Ever.
Friendship or otherwise." He clarified. His voice sounded so genuine, so
embarrassed. “I think it was just the stress of the day, and then I felt so bad
about snapping at you. And now I am calling you in the middle of the night.”