Some Deaths Before Dying (28 page)

She recounted the rest of that conversation. When she finished, Voss sat for several seconds sucking at his upper lip and
shaking his head.

“Jesus!” he muttered. “I don’t know what to say, honest. All right—I wouldn’t’ve let him down—I didn’t, neither, when it come
to it—but Jesus!… Well, thanks, Mrs. Matson. And I’ll say this. It goes for you too—right along the line it goes for you.
Anything … Any time …”

“Thank you, Mr. Voss. I’ll remember.”

“You do that, and just one more thing, Mrs. Matson—if ever it come to your ears how the Colonel got hisself into something
he oughtn’t of, you can tell ’em straight back it wasn’t like that—it was because he had to. Right?”

The warder had stepped forward again as he was speaking.

“Time’s up, folks, so just say your tatty-byes.”

Rachel, dismayed almost beyond dismay that Voss should bring the subject up, especially after conducting the rest of the interview
with such ease and tact, blurted out the first thing that came into her head.

“I think I know what you’re talking about and I agree with you.”

A look of bewilderment came over Voss’s face, but the warder touched his shoulder and he let himself be led away.

Waiting in the drizzle for the ferry Rachel puzzled miserably about it. How could Voss have known? There was, perhaps, a connection:
Voss came from the East End, and so, apparently, did the young man she had shot; but Voss’s tone and phrasing had suggested
both sympathy for Jocelyn’s predicament and detachment from it. However much he had admired and respected Jocelyn, was it
credible that he would speak in that way of his compulsive involvement with a creature like the young man? But suppose Jocelyn
had discovered that side of his nature on the Cambi Road, as she had come to believe; and suppose that many others, not normally
that way inclined, had also sought such solace, and been tolerated by the rest—men such as Voss—for doing so, then perhaps
there would be no need for Voss to have known about the young man to speak as he had. And perhaps his look of bewilderment,
almost of shock, as he was taken away was his reaction to the idea of an apparently devoted marriage that persisted after
the man had told his wife that he had done what he had. The young man himself had expressed outrage at the self-same thing,
and he and Voss were very much products of the same culture…

No, that had not been it. Not at all. She had been wrong for almost forty years. It was something else that Voss had been
talking about, a specific occasion, Sergeant Fred also there, and together they’d seen Fish Stadding die, and Jocelyn…Jocelyn
had “got hisself into something he oughtn’t of.”

“W
ell, dearie, so we’ve got a lovely letter to read.”

Rachel hadn’t heard Dilys come in. Unnoticed behind her reverie the rooks had been making an unusual racket and perhaps that
had drowned the movement of the door. She opened her eyes and made her lips smile. Dilys blurred into the usual vagueness
as she reached the bed.

“I’m to hold the pages for you so you can read it yourself, Mrs. Thomas says. Sure you can manage?”

“You read it.”

“Oh. She said…are you sure? All right, then—this’ll be it, I suppose. Are we comfortable, dearie, before I start? Here we
go, then…Goodness, what big letters! Now, she said you’d read some of it…”

“Just first…paragraph.”

“Oh, I see. All right. Here goes…”

Dilys, too, read in a near monotone, but very different from Flora’s, slowly and with regular pauses to make sure of the next
phrase or sentence.

“First, as I have just said. Terry Voss was my uncle, my mother’s brother. Our relationship was closer than that implies.
As you no doubt know, he was a professional criminal, but he was the only member of my family to show me any true affection,
and crucially he enabled me to continue my education when I would otherwise have been taken away from school. I loved him.
I also thought of him, and still do, as a truly good man. One of my reasons for writing this letter is that the only other
people I know of who seem to have valued him as I did were certain members of the Cambi Road Association.

“During the latter part of my school days he was in prison for a longer sentence than usual, for a serious crime that I do
not believe he committed. I think in fact that he had been paid to ‘take the rap’ for somebody else, and had accepted the
money so that my mother could provide a home for myself and my brothers. Be that as it may, though I wrote to him weekly,
I barely saw him for several years—”

“Stop. End of letter. Signature.”

The pages rustled.

“Mrs. Thomas said it was a parson…here we are…Oh, goodness me, it’s a woman! Eileen Cowan—that’s what she’s typed, but she’s
signed it Nell Cowan.”

Of course. Not some never-mentioned nephew, but the niece. Voss had brought her once, a rather forbidding young woman, to
show off to the Association. A good while after Jocelyn’s death, that must have been.

“Go on.”

“I did not see him for several years, and when I did I found he had changed. Inwardly, and in his relationship with me he
remained much the same person, but his experiences as a prisoner of war had at last caught up with him, and though he lived
for many more years he was thenceforth an invalid. He managed to stay out of trouble until I had finished at university, and
at that point, instead of going on to post-graduate work, I took a job so that I could support us both.

“Some years later, my then employment involved me in driving extensively round East Anglia, often to remote areas. My uncle
was recently out of hospital, so in fine weather I took him along with me. It was good for him to get out of the house, and
it gave him the chance to express his dislike and distrust of the countryside. Other than in his period of National Service
he had seldom set foot outside London. He was company for me too, with a fascinating repertoire of criminal reminiscences
and lore. Since I was now a seriously practising Christian, he liked pretending to try to shock me with tales of appalling
villainy.

“On one of these occasions we drove out to a lonely farm in that strange area of Essex marshland between the Crouch and Blackwater
estuaries. I left my uncle in the car, as usual, while I made my visit, and on my return was surprised to find him gone. I
waited, and some while later saw him walking towards me along an unmetalled lane that led towards the sea, still a mile or
two away to the east. I went to meet him, and then realised from the state of his shoes and the difficulty of his breathing
that he must have walked some distance. I helped him back to the car and then remonstrated with him for his stupidity. I will
try to reproduce his exact words. You have spoken with him. So will remember the accent.

“‘I wanted to have another look,’ he said. ‘Been here before, see? But I been and bit off a bit more than I can chew.”

“I drove off, turning the heater full up to warm him. For a while he wheezed alarmingly, but when he had recovered a little
I asked him what he had been doing so far from the city.

“‘Losing bodies.’ he said. ‘Mind you, one of them hadn’t been a body, not till we brought him here.”

“For once I was genuinely shocked, so much so that I stopped the car and turned to him. I then saw that he had not, this time,
been merely teasing, and realised that the tone of his answer had been uncharacteristically sombre.

“‘That’s not the sort of thing you got involved with,’ I said.

“‘No more it was,’ he said. And I don’t want to talk about it. Didn’t ought to have brought it up in the first place.”

“‘All right.’ I said, and drove on, still considerably troubled. I believe he must have sensed this, for after a while he
said. ‘I don’t want you to think bad of me, Nell, so I’ll just tell you this. What happened back along that track wasn’t nothing
to do with villains. Amateurs, more like—which is what they wanted me along for. I’m not saying it was aboveboard, and we’d
have been dead in trouble if we’d been caught at it, but it wasn’t nothing to be ashamed of. I’d do it again, if the same
fellow asked me.”

“I thanked him for telling me. Of course I believed what he said, and still do. He liked, as I have said, to talk about criminal
activities, and if he himself had been involved he made no attempt to conceal or palliate his own guilt. The fact that he
had never before, and never again mentioned what sounded like a startlingly dramatic episode, and that he was so determined
to insist on its ultimate propriety as far as he could, is for me sufficient warranty that whatever had happened out on the
marshes must have been very different in nature from anything else he had told me about.

“I think that is all that I can usefully tell you. I would like to add that we have once met, though I do not expect you to
remember the occasion. My uncle brought me to a summer reunion of the Association in the garden of your house, and you spoke
to me very kindly of him.

Yours very sincerely,

Nell Cowan.

“Only like I say she’s written it Eileen underneath.”

Dilys sighed deeply as she folded the letter away.

“Well, what a story,” she said. “But frustrating, really. Like missing an episode on the telly. And that’s what’s been fretting
you so, isn’t it, just the not knowing? And it’s something to do with those pistols of yours—got to be, seeing that’s what
started you off…I’m sorry, dearie. I know it’s no business of mine. I shouldn’t’ve let myself be carried away like that. Only…We’re
tired, aren’t we? Been a bit much for us, has it?”

“I’m all right.”

Rachel was in fact exhausted, though not in her usual manner, with the ridiculously small reserve tank on which she now depended
for all her energies having run almost dry—though that was indeed the case too. But she was experiencing a kind of spiritual
depletion, a feeling that all the extrinsic parts of her self were being stripped away in order that whatever powers were
left to her could be concentrated into the central essence, for it to confront and finish with the thing it was here for.
In order to reach that moment, other things needed to be done, some practical, some, so to speak, ritual.

She calculated. Voss had been in prison by the time of the funeral. His sentence would have been a year or so earlier. He
had “taken the rap” so that Nell could continue her schooling after the age of fourteen. When he had brought her to Forde
Place she had been at university…

“Albums,” she whispered. “CRA. About ’64.”

“Right you are, dearie. Coming.”

Dilys bustled eagerly out.

A ritual, a politeness, that one. The next one, something practical. Rachel continued to consider the problem while Dilys
returned, cranked the bed up, adjusted the reading table and light, and settled the spectacles into place.

“There we are, dearie, all ready. I’ve brought the one from ’61 to ’66, so that should cover it, easy. Start at the beginning,
just in case, shall I?”

“Please.”

The pictures ambled past. She had taken as many but kept fewer of these later years. Groups and individual studies of men,
and a few women, mostly in early middle age, all wearing Sunday best, styles conservative even in their day, regimental ties,
short haircuts, hats and caps—faces and poses caught, embalmed in their instant, by the flick of the shutter. Time at a standstill.
Illusion, manifested as such each time the same face recurred at a later meeting, sometimes perceptibly older after the lapse
of only a year…

“Stop.”

The girl was standing with Voss in front of one of the cedars. He was smiling confidently and holding himself with his usual
swagger—or attempting to, as he didn’t now look well, worse than he had in Parkhurst. Perhaps he was not many weeks out of
there, for his long-jacketed, narrow-legged suit looked very new. But for the fact that his arm was round her waist one wouldn’t
have thought the girl could have had any connection with him. Rachel could see no family likeness. She was barely shorter
than him, the narrowness and primness of her face accentuated by a tight bun. She wore a coarse-knitted jersey and patchwork
skirt, both so shapeless as to deny any guess at the body within, and she held herself not with the regulation student droop
but with stiff unease. There was no sign of the strong affection for her uncle as expressed in the letter. The image of her
was in fact uninteresting, but it was good of Voss, and Rachel had few of him elsewhere. Presumably that was why she had kept
it.

She closed her eyes and tried to summon energies.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “Take it out.”

“Out of the book? You’re sure? How…Oh, it comes quite easily. You want me to send it to her?”

“Yes. Say thank you. Letter very useful. Next. Call Simon Stadding. Number…from Ellen. Can he come and see me? Not been well.
But try. Let me…hear.”

“Righty oh. Just put the bed down a bit first shall I, so we can have a bit of a rest. Now don’t be naughty. I can tell. We’re
near done for and we mustn’t pretend we aren’t.”

Rachel tried to protest. Her lips moved, but no sound came. Vaguely she sensed the lowering of the bed as a shift and easing
of the pressures on her spine and neck. Her awareness of the change seemed in itself changed—less than she was used to, another
loss of the defended ground. A sign that Dilys was right. She was almost done for.

DILYS

D
eliberately Dilys took her time about putting the album away, phoning the secretary for Mr. Stadding’s number and setting
up the extension speaker. It wasn’t going to be much of a rest anyway, but she would make it as long as she could. She felt
anxious. There was nothing to show for it on the chart, temperature and pulse normal, bowels a bit slow, appetite down a little,
but over the past few days she had sensed more and more strongly that Mrs. Matson’s illness was moving towards a crisis, not
drifting towards it, either, as is the case with most really old people as they are eased into their deaths, but being sucked
towards it by a strengthening inner current. And night after night Mrs. Matson hadn’t been sleeping properly. She was thinking
too hard, remembering too fiercely, and all the while digging into herself for any little scraps that might be left there
to feed her thinking and remembering.