Something More (13 page)

Classes began, and for the study groups to stay together, they all had to enroll together. They had formed a pretty strong bond; even Jamison liked the guys in his group. They hung out occasionally on days they didn’t have study group. Nyla and Maddie were becoming inseparable and were talking about getting an apartment together in the fall. It was cold, but Jamison loved it. Chicago had an alive feeling that he had never known growing up in his small town. There was always something going on.

Nyla stomped into the lecture hall. Her boots were covered in snow and mud. She took off her hat, and snow fell from it and her hair. She never wore her bangs down anymore because her wooly hats would just crinkle them and make her hair look crazy. As she surveyed the room, she realized how late she actually was. The professor had already begun his lecture. He cleared his throat as he paused and stared at her.

“Sorry,” she mouthed and made her way to the only free seat, right next to Jamison. He looked embarrassed for her and waved to her. Her face turned red; the professor hadn’t resumed his lecture yet, and everyone was staring at her. She sat down and took out her notebook and pen as quietly as she could. Finally, once she was settled, the professor looked at her for her approval to continue, and he began speaking again.

Traffic jam?
Jamison wrote on the corner of his notebook paper.

Something like that.
She smirked as she wrote on his paper and then adjusted out of her coat. She leaned into him, and he could smell her cologne-scented shampoo.

I can give you a lift on days like today, four-wheel drive, you know.
He knew she’d decline, but he had to try.

After today, I might take you up on that. She stuck out her leg, showing it and her boots covered in a muddy wetness.
She’d been splashed by a passing car.

You’ll need some hot chocolate after class; want to go get some?
He knew for sure now he was pushing his luck.

Can’t; I’m meeting Ethan.
And that was the end of their note passing.

A few days later, Ethan sat on Nyla’s couch pressed against the armrest. Nyla lay across the rest of it with a blanket and tissues surrounding her.

“Eat your soup.” Ethan rose and picked up her bowl from the coffee table and handed it to her. After two days of fighting it, she’d finally succumbed to the flu. He’d purchased her roses, rented DVD’s, and done her grocery shopping. As far as good boyfriends were concerned, he had the part nailed. She slurped the spoon as he sat back down putting her feet in his lap. She finished her soup and drifted to sleep. She woke up hours later in the dark in her bed with Ethan asleep on her couch. She lay on her side and watched him sleep. She wondered what was missing. She still thought he was really cute, but she didn’t feel a burning heat for him. She remembered Jamison telling her they acted more like brother and sister. Then she instantly berated herself for thinking about him. Finally, she fell asleep, but her dreams found Jamison.

“We need to throw a party,” Jamison smiled. There was already a group of guys at his house playing PlayStation. Ethan smirked from where he sat in the armchair. “You don’t think I can pull it off?” Jamison challenged him.

“No, I think you can pull it off. I just don’t see the point. It’s not like you drink or anything.” Ethan shook his head.

“It’s to be sociable. Not all of us have girlfriends and get to take the walk of shame.” Jamison only wanted an excuse to be near Nyla socially, and that depended on Ethan’s favor.

“It’s not a walk of shame if you’re playing nurse. I’m just glad Nyla’s feeling better,” Ethan shrugged.

“Shouldn’t you be getting some? How long have you two been dating, like five months?” Lee asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ethan said, as he passed him in the racing game they played, causing him to crash.

“Dude,” was all he said as he threw his remote; Jamison high-fived Ethan.

“So are we going to do this?” Jamison smiled. They all nodded and took out their phones and began texting. Within an hour, people began arriving and bringing refreshments and snacks, and by the time Nyla and Maggie arrived, the party was jumping. Maggie made a beeline for her friends from the group, and Nyla found Ethan and gave him a hug.

“Thanks again for last night; you took such good care of me,” she smiled.

“Anytime. Do you want a drink?” he asked as he led her toward the kitchen. She nodded. He mixed her a drink, making sure that he didn’t put in a lot of alcohol. She took it and smiled as she drank. “Nice.” He grabbed himself a beer, and they mingled through the party. Jamison kept his distance from across the room, and he never quite looked at her. She wondered why he was avoiding her so strongly, but she wasn’t aware of the fact that he was acutely aware of where she was. He made sure he was always at the farthest distance from her. He was still glad she came.

Nyla was finishing her third drink and beginning to feel the alcohol. Ethan was deep in a conversation while she wandered off to the island to mix another drink.

“I think you’ve had enough, don’t you?” Jamison said softly as he took the bottle of vodka from her hand.

“You don’t know what I need.” She thought she said it under her breath, but by his raised eyebrow, she knew it wasn’t soft enough. She reached for the bottle, and he held it out of her reach.

“I think I know better than you do, especially now.” He pulled his arm further from her reach.

“Whatever,” she said as she shoved past him and grabbed a long neck bottle of beer from the ice-filled sink and staggered toward the balcony. She opened the door and went out. There were already a couple of people out there smoking, but she didn’t care. She slumped down in a chair and began to drink her cold beer out in the cold night air.

Jamison looked to where Ethan sat on the couch still engrossed in conversation, not even realizing Nyla had left his side. He slid through the sliding doors and took the seat beside her.

“Are you going to lecture me?” she asked as she took a long pull of her beer.

“No, I just needed some air.” The couple huddled in the corner finished their cigarettes and looked at them inquisitively for a moment. Jamison gave them a scary scowl, and they hurried back inside. “But you’re drunk; do I need to lecture you?” He turned back to Nyla. She had pulled her sweater closer to her. She was hot but cold at the same time. She felt light, her hands, her head, light. He took the bottle from her reluctant hand. “Do you want to go back inside?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter, does it? Really? I mean, you don’t care either way? Right? I mean, it’s not like you’re not already involved with someone.” She crossed her arms. She wasn’t making sense to herself let alone someone sober.

“What?” he asked, shaking his head. Without thinking, he took a swig of her beer and made a bitter-beer face.

“You were telling people you were involved with someone days after you told me you’d wait for me,” she accused him, relieved she’d finally let it out, and suddenly feeling even lighter than before. Her arms flailed accusingly wide and dramatic before crossing them again to give them some weight.

“What do you care? You were with Ethan, correction are with Ethan.” He tried to keep his voice calm.

“You lied to me,” she said, hurt in her voice and all over her face as she glared at him.

“I didn’t lie to you,” he said, in control of his feelings again.

“Oh, then you lied to
Brianna
?” He smirked at her, and she scowled more.

“I didn’t lie to Brianna either.” He leaned in to her and uncrossed her arms. He rubbed his hands over the outside of her arms to warm them up. She watched his face, taking in every detail, his crystal blue eyes, his eyebrows with a too-perfect shape over his eyelids, his nose, so straight and defined, his cheeks beginning to blush from the cold, and his lips, perfectly shaped and full. He looked up from her hands and saw the tear dropping from the corner of her eye. He stopped rubbing her hand and reached up to catch the tear before it streamed down her cheek.

“Nyla, honey, I’m involved with you,” he exhaled as he held her cheek in his hand. She didn’t move, her eyes glued to his. After a long moment of silence while he let that statement and exactly what it meant sink in , he stood and went back to the door. “Don’t stay out here too long; you’re still sick, and I don’t want you getting worse, OK,.” She nodded and watched him go back inside. She sat there for a while longer, sipping on her beer.

“There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Ethan smiled as she slid inside the sliding door. “Your hands are freezing.” He grasped both of her hands kind of hard. She smiled weakly. The party was still in full force a few hours later. After some slow dancing with Ethan and a giggle fit with Maddie, Nyla was exhausted. She knew she wouldn’t make it home, so finally she leaned into Ethan and asked if he minded if she crashed. He told her to go ahead and go to his room. She made her way through the crowd and found the door. She entered the room and didn’t bother turning on the light. She climbed out of her shoes and peeled her jeans off. She took off her sweater, wiggled out of her bra, leaving just her ribbed t-shirt and panties. She climbed into his big bed. The sheets smelled so clean and like cologne she recognized but couldn’t place. It wasn’t the way Ethan smelled. She snuggled in anyway and was fast asleep. At some point there was a stirring as someone came in and stood in the doorway for a few minutes. Her back was to the door, and she opened her eyes and saw the light from the now-quiet living room and a long shadow of someone standing over her. She closed her eyes after the door closed, and she was alone again.

Chapter 18

Nyla awoke the next morning disoriented. At first she couldn’t understand why she wasn’t in her apartment. Then she remembered the party and vaguely remembered asking Ethan if she could crash; but then horror crossed her mind as she realized she wasn’t in his bedroom. She sat up urgently, and it felt as if her brain had slammed against her forehead. She grabbed her head, trying to get her bearings. She was in the bed alone. That was encouraging. She rose and quickly dressed. She went to the bathroom and tried her best to clean up, splashing water on her face and smoothing her hair as much as possible. She emerged from his room to find Jamison sleeping on the couch. Their apartment was a mess of red cups everywhere and food still on the island. She tried to tiptoe past him, but she paused and watched him. He looked so peaceful sleeping there. She began looking for her purse and coat so that she could go home before they woke up. She wanted to sleep in her own bed for a few hours, and she decided it would be best to call Ethan after she slept off her hangover. She dug around under the coffee table looking for her gloves. She knew she’d dropped them nearby the night before. She tried to root around quietly not to disturb Jamison. She reached under the coffee table, her chest almost flat on the floor and her butt in the air.

“That’s a sight to wake up to.” She heard a chuckle as she cringed. She put her head down knowing her face was crimson.

“I couldn’t find my gloves,” she stammered as she swiped them and sat up.

“I didn’t say that I minded.” Jamison leaned up on his elbow.

“I’m sorry I took your bed last night. Ethan said I could sleep in his room. I must have gotten turned around somehow.” She was wrapping her scarf around her neck.

“It’s OK. He wasn’t too happy about it, but I understand.” He surveyed her from head to toe, making her extremely nervous.

“You understand what, exactly?” she asked slowly.

“I’m just saying I understand why you picked my room. Do you want a ride home?”

“If anyone gives her a ride home, it will be me.” Ethan leaned on his bedroom doorframe, his hair tousled and in his pajamas. Neither of them had heard his door open, and they looked up at him, surprised to hear his voice.

“I didn’t want to wake you,” Nyla said apologetically. “I was just going to sneak out, no big fuss, guys. I can walk.” She looked from Jamison to Ethan.

“Let me get dressed; I think we need to talk,” Ethan said quietly. He turned and went into his bedroom. She slumped down on the chair. That did not sound good. Jamison was silent. He hoped, but didn’t want to get too excited. Nyla stared blankly at the coffee table. Ethan emerged again and went to the bathroom. Then after a few minutes, he came out and began bundling up. They went downstairs and got into his car. It was cold, and Nyla shivered as he cleaned the windshield. He took her home in silence. It was a deafening silence, and she found her heart racing with dread. She asked him up, and he nodded OK. He followed her up, and he took a seat as he removed his hat, scarf, and gloves, but left his coat on.

“What’s up?” She removed her things and took them to the closet to hang them up.

“Why are we together?” He looked down at the gloves in his hands.

“Because we are comfortable with each other,” Nyla answered, shrugging as she sat down across from him.

“Wrong answer,” he said harshly, yet he didn’t elaborate.

“Then tell me; why are we together?”

“I know why I’m with you, but why are you with me?” He finally looked at her.

“Why are you with me?” she asked again.

“Because, the first day of school I saw you, and my heart jumped out of my chest, and even now whenever I see you or touch you, my hands get clammy and my stomach flip-flops. And when we talk, whether it’s about things that are important to you or me, they are interesting. I’m in love with you, more than I’ve been with anyone, and I could wait for you until the end of time. But—” he paused and looked out the window as a bird flew by.

“But you don’t feel the same about me, and I can feel it. It’s like I’m holding a ball, and it’s blue, but I’m swearing and trying to convince you it’s a red box. All the while, it’s just a blue ball, and you, you don’t want a blue ball; you want a red box, but I can’t give you a red box because I’m the blue ball.”

“Ethan,” she began, but he held up his hand to stop her.

“It hurts too much to try to make us fit because we don’t, and I see the way you look at Jamison. I thought giving you a great Christmas present would win your heart. I thought spending all my time with you would win your heart,. Hell, I thought showing you I could be a perfect, attentive boyfriend would win you, but you keep. . .” he trailed off as his voice cracked, he took a deep breath. “You keep choosing him. He knows it; I know it, and—” She shook her head no. “And you know it, Nyla. I saw it the first time I saw you two together. I just didn’t want to believe it. I could wait for you if I didn’t think you loved someone else. And besides, I think we’re better as friends.” He stood and put his hat back on. She felt a tear escape her eye.

“Ethan, I never wanted to hurt you. I do like you, a lot.” She stood with him, and he hugged her.

“Just not enough, so let me put you out of your misery. I’ll give you the space you need. I’m moving out of the apartment tomorrow. Jamison doesn’t know yet, but I’m crashing at Jacob’s.” She nodded in his chest as a few more tears escaped her eyes. He gave her a squeeze and let her go. He left, and she fell into her couch. She didn’t know what to do now, so she pulled down the throw blanket draped over the back of the couch and fell asleep.

Chapter 19

When Nyla woke, it was dark. Her bay window was still open, and she looked at the dark night sky. She suddenly wanted to give Ethan back his things that she had collected over the past few months. She found a large shoe box and began filling it. She showered and cleaned herself up, layering her clothes and making sure she was presentable. She bundled up and walked to his apartment, at least his apartment until tomorrow. She knocked on the door; Jamison answered it. He looked very comfortable in his sweats and layered T-shirts. He didn’t say anything to her, but apparently he knew what had happened. She took the box to Ethan’s room and sat it on his bed. Closure. That was a beginning and definitely what she needed. She didn’t want to have bad feelings between her and Ethan.

“Do you need a ride home?” She heard Jamison’s voice behind her; she shook her head no, not turning around to face him. “Do you want something to drink, warm you up before you have to get back out there?” Jamison stood in the doorway. She nodded yes.

She sat on the couch waiting as Jamison brought over two hot chocolates, handing her one, and sat on the arm rest of the couch. He began flipping through the TV channels.

“I think this is good. I just need some time alone and to figure out what I want,” she babbled. She didn’t know what to say to him. Their last real conversation had left her confused. She felt like everything she touched fell apart.