Somewhere I'll Find You (12 page)

“That's too bad.” Savage started up the stairs. “I've been ready for three years.”

It was dear that he would allow her no choice. Julia braced herself for battle and spoke to the frightened-looking maid. “You may retire for the evening, Sarah. I'll be all right.”

“Yes, ma'am,” Sarah said doubtfully, staring at the purposeful man who was ascending the stairs. Quickly the maid disappeared to her room, evidently deciding it was wiser not to interfere.

As Savage reached her, Julia lifted her chin and returned his gaze. “How dare you force your way into my home,” she snapped, gathering the dressing gown more closely around herself.

“Why all the lies? Why not tell me the truth the first time we met?”

“You lied every bit as much as I did, telling me you were unmarried—”

“I'm not in the habit of telling intimate secrets to women I barely know.”

“As long as we're on the subject of intimate secrets…does Lady Ashton know you're not the bachelor you claim to be?”

“As a matter of fact, she does.”

“I suppose she wants you to get rid of your wife and marry her for her baby's sake.” Julia had the satisfaction of seeing his features turn blank with surprise.

“How do you know about that?” he asked sharply.

“Lady Ashton told me when we were both visiting the dressmaker's. She tried to warn me away from you—but I could have told her there was no need. You're the last man I would ever choose to become involved with.”

“Whom would you prefer?” he asked, his tone jeering. “Logan Scott?”

“Anyone except you!”

“Why?” His head lowered, and his breath was hot against her cheek. “Because I frighten you? Because you can't help wanting the same thing I do?”

Julia tried to step back, but his hands came to her shoulders. Although his hold was firm, she could have broken free if she chose. Something kept her there, some potent force that wouldn't allow her to pull away. “I don't know what you're talking about,” she said unsteadily.

“You felt it the first time we met…we both did.”

“All I want is for you to leave me alone,” she said, and gasped as he urged her against his hard body.

There was a glow of heat in his eyes, turning the cool gray to molten silver. “You're still lying to me, Julia.”

She trembled in confusion as she stayed against him, intensely aware of his scent, the warmth of his hands, the feel of his burgeoning arousal pressing against her abdomen. The rise and fall of his chest matched her own labored breathing. She had been held by men before, but always in the context of a scene from a play, always in the theater. The well-rehearsed words and movements had never been her own. The feelings had been skillfully manufactured for the benefit of an audience. Now for the first time it was real, and she had no idea what to do.

Savage moved his hands over the thin sleeves of her gown, his touch sending a sweep of warmth from her shoulders to her bare wrists. He spoke against her cheek, his lips brushing her skin with each word, his mouth tantalizingly close to her own. “The night you came to my room at the Brandons' estate, I would have given a fortune to touch you like this…anything just to be close to you. I promised myself that nothing would stand in the way of having you.”

“Nothing except a wife and a pregnant mistress,” Julia said, while her pulse throbbed madly.

He drew his head back, his thick lashes lowering over the bright gleam of his eyes. “I don't know for certain if Pauline is pregnant. I don't know if she's lying, or what I'll do if she isn't.” He hesitated and added gruffly, “All I know is that you're mine.”

“I belong to no one.” She managed to pull back, stumbling a little. “Please leave now,” she said desperately, heading to the protection of her bedroom.

“Wait.” Damon caught her just inside the door and turned her to face him. “Julia…” All the convincing speeches he had rehearsed were locked in his throat. He wanted to make her understand that he wasn't the kind of man he had seemed so far. How had his well-organized life suddenly become such a mess?

He reached for a lock of her unbound hair, a golden banner that lay over her shoulder and trailed down to her waist. He sifted it gently through his fingers. She waited without moving or making a sound, seeming possessed by the same sense of inevitability that gripped him. Incredible, that he had resented and denied her for most of his life…and she had turned out to be what he wanted most.

Damon slid his hand beneath the fall of her hair to the nape of her neck, his fingers and thumb curving around the downy surface. He felt her muscles stiffen beneath his touch. A faint protest escaped her lips as he pulled her closer, degree by degree, until her body was caught against his.

“This isn't right,” she whispered.

“I don't care.” Nothing outside this room mattered to him…the life he had so carefully built for himself, the things he had fought against for years…he pushed them all to the back of his mind. He pressed a hand to the small of her back, molding her against him until she shivered and made an inarticulate sound.

He waited for her to move next. Gently her hands came up to his head, her fingers winding in his hair. He needed only the slightest urging of her touch, and his mouth came to hers. Pleasure swept through him, flooding his nerves and senses. She was delicious, the curves of her breasts plumping delicately on the wall of his chest, her hips soft and neat as they fit against his. The smooth river of her hair flowed over his arms and hands, and he broke the kiss to clench a fistful of the shining locks and rub them against his cheek.

A sob escaped her, and she shivered against him. “I want to hate you,” she said in a muffled voice.

Damon stared into her face and drew his thumbs over the velvety edge of her jaw. “I'm no saint, Julia. I've lied to everyone, even myself, but it's no different from what you've done. You made the best life for yourself that you could. So did I.”

Julia felt tears spill from her eyes, the warm droplets immediately swept away by his thumb. It was a relief to be able to talk to him truthfully for the first time. “I didn't know you were trying to find me all these years.”

“Why didn't you tell me who you were, that weekend at the Brandons' estate?”

“I was trying to protect myself.”

“You liked having an advantage over me.”

“No,” she said instantly, though she felt a betraying rush of heat in her cheeks.

A grim smile touched his lips. “You never wanted to tell me the truth about who you really are, did you?” He read the answer in her deepening color. His hands moved down her body in a proprietary caress. “You won't dismiss me that easily, Julia.”

She tried to pull back, but she was held in place by his hand at the center of her back, the other closing around the nape of her neck. This time his kiss was blatantly sexual, his tongue searching the softness of her mouth. Julia couldn't help responding, a moan of pleasure rising in her throat until she turned her face away abruptly, pressing her cheek to his shoulder. She was fully aware, as he must be, of the disaster they were courting. “Nothing can come of this,” she said against the fabric of his coat. “I could never be the kind of woman you want. And you have responsibilities…”

“I've always had responsibilities,” he said, his voice vibrant with frustration. “I've approached every relationship with the understanding that it could never last, that I couldn't offer a woman my name or any permanent attachment. Now that I've found you, don't tell me you're not what I want.”

“What are you saying?” she asked with a miserable smile. “That you might not want an annulment? What could possibly come of a relationship between us? I'm not Julia Hargate any longer. I've turned myself into someone who is completely unsuitable for you.”

“That doesn't matter.”

“It will,” she insisted, trying to wedge her arms between them. “You would want me to give up everything I've worked for, everything I need to be happy. You're not the kind of man who could stand to see his wife on stage, being courted and kissed and held by other men, even if it is only acting.”

“Damn you,” he said softly, “I can't stand it now.” He crushed his mouth over hers, urgently seeking entrance, devouring and demanding until she had no breath, no will, no thought except the driving need to take him inside herself.

His fingers tugged roughly on the satin ribbons of her gown, until the muslin sagged over her shoulders, revealing the high, pale curve of one breast. He traced the round shape with his fingertips, leaving trails of fire that made her nipple ache. She arched closer, pushing her breast into his hand, gasping as his thumb toyed with the hard tip.

Julia was filled with recklessness. What if she let him make love to her? She owed nothing to anyone except herself. Surely by now she had earned the right to make her own choices, especially this one. She had always masqueraded in some role or another, as Julia Hargate, as Mrs. Wentworth, as a thousand different characters created on the page. But in this moment those identities had been stripped away, and she stood before him without pretense.

“I never give in to temptation,” she said, her trembling hands coming to the sides of his lean face. “It's something I can't afford. Work, discipline, self-reliance…those are the only things I can rely on. I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to belong to anyone. But at the same time…”

“Yes?” he prompted in the silence.

“I don't want to be alone.”

“You don't have to be alone tonight.”

“Would you accept just one night from me? And then walk away when I ask you to?”

“I don't know,” he muttered, not wanting to admit the truth.

A hopeless laugh escaped her as she admitted to herself that she didn't care. Suddenly nothing was as important as the need to be with him, to know all the intimate secrets that had been denied her so long.

Reading the look in her eyes, Damon pulled the dressing gown from her shoulders. The garment fell to the floor in a rustling heap. Julia didn't move as his absorbed gaze moved over her. She had never suspected that the sight of her body could affect him so powerfully, bringing a flush to his face and a tremor to his hands as he reached for her.

With the backs of his knuckles, he stroked the tender skin beneath her breasts and the fragile lines of her ribs, and then his palm swept over her abdomen. Her breath caught as she felt him touch the curls between her thighs, his fingers gently searching until she pulled away with a stammer and a shake of her head.

He followed instantly, his arms sliding around her back, and she heard the sound of his low voice in her thunder-filled ears. His mouth sought hers, and she opened to him, surrendering her hard-won control for the first time in her life. He took her to the bed, pushing her back against the cool green silk, and she pulled at the layers of linen and broadcloth that covered him.

“Julia,” he said, his voice a mere scratch of sound, “if you're going to stop me…for God's sake, do it now.”

Feverishly she pressed her lips to his jaw and throat. “I want to feel you,” she whispered. “I want to feel your skin against mine.”

Damon responded with a ragged breath and an obliging flurry of effort, stripping off his coat, cravat and shirt. As he reached for the opening of his trousers, her small hands pushed his aside. He forced himself to wait patiently, his desire flaring hotly as he felt the pluck and tug of her fingers on his clothing. She was gravely intent on the task as she slipped the heavy buttons of his trousers through their neatly stitched openings.

When the last button was freed, Damon sat on the edge of the bed to remove his shoes, trousers, and linens. There was silence behind him, and then he felt the moist brush of Julia's mouth at the top of his spine. He stiffened at the sensation, every muscle locking as a long chain of kisses followed the first, working from his neck to the middle of his back.

Her arms slid around his shoulders as she held him from behind, her naked breasts pressed against his naked back. A silken lock of her hair fell over his shoulder. She seemed like a curious mermaid discovering a man for the first time, her body drifting against his, her hands gentle on his skin. She touched the contours of his chest and paused to feel the heavy thud of his heartbeat against her palm. Venturing downward, her fingers grazed the tightly bunched muscles of his abdomen. Damon's eyes shut hard as he felt the timid clasp of her hand on the aching length of his staff. His shaking fingers came over hers, tightening her grip until the pleasure threatened to overwhelm him.

Turning, he pushed her flat on the bed, lowering his body over hers. Eagerly she pulled his head down, tangling her fingers in his hair as she kissed him. Filling his hands with her breasts, he covered the peaks with his mouth, his tongue bringing the aroused nipples to even tighter points.

Julia lifted against him, lost in the communication of their bodies. In the last few silent minutes she had become a stranger to herself, shamelessly yielding her body and soul to someone else's will. She wanted more, to bring herself even closer to him, to forget her own existence in the consuming tide of ecstasy.

His hands and lips moved skillfully over her body, spreading currents of sensation wherever they touched. His knee pushed between hers, and she felt his fingers between her thighs, discovering the hint of moisture amid the tiny springing curls. Her eyes flew open at the intimacy, and she flinched at the glow of light coming from the bedside lamp. She wanted to be hidden in the darkness.

“Please,” she said in a faltering voice, “the light—”

“No,” he muttered against her stomach. “I want to see you.”

Julia tried to protest, but the words were strangled in her throat as his head moved lower. She felt his mouth drift lower, lower, through the soft thatch of hair, licking deep to find the secrets beyond. His tongue was hot on her flesh,

making her twist and groan as if in pain…but it wasn't pain she felt; it was a rapture too piercing to comprehend. Her hands descended to his hair, trying at first to push him away, then curving around his head in supplication. She was seized by an endless shudder of pleasure, her senses unraveling in a white-hot glow.