Somewhere Towards the End (9 page)

‘W
HEN I AM
eighty-two I must start thinking about giving up the car.' That resolution, made in my early seventies, was the result of a visit made to my mother by her local policeman (we still had them then) when I happened to be staying with her. I opened the door to him, and he almost embraced me, so glad was he to find an intermediary for his embarrassing message. Could I please try to persuade my mother that the time had come for her to stop driving? No one had liked to say anything to her face, but three people in the village had told him that they had witnessed, or almost been the victim of, her driving, which had recently become … well, he didn't want to offend, but it
had
become a little bit erratic. I passed the message on, she dismissed it huffily as nonsense, and about six weeks later, much to my relief, announced, ‘Oh, by the way – I have decided to get rid of the car.'

I now understand her reluctance only too well. While pottering about in the car hardly qualifies as an ‘activity', it is – for those whose physical mobility is limited – a part of life and a source of
pleasure. At a time when strictly speaking I ought to have followed her example by overcoming reluctance, I didn't do so. It was during my seventies when I should have stopped driving, because cataracts in both eyes developed to the point at which I could no longer read the number plate of a car three car-lengths ahead – indeed could hardly read one on a car immediately in front of me. But the licensing authority errs (quite rightly!) on the side of caution, because being unable to distinguish details within an object doesn't mean you can't see the object itself, and since I never suffered any uncertainty as to where or what any object, large or small, near or far, might be, I felt no serious guilt at continuing to drive up to the time of my operations.

André Deutsch, who believed firmly that the more something costs the better it must be, took it on himself to try to organize these operations and bullied me into seeing ‘my wonderful man in Harley Street'. I saw him, and when he passed me on to his secretary so that I could make the appointment for the operation, thought to ask her how much it was going to cost. It would be done at the London Clinic, she said, where I would have to stay for two nights, ‘so we will be looking at something like £3000'. So what in fact I looked at was the splendid if rather Dickensian-seeming Moorfields Eye Hospital, where the operations were done for free with exquisite precision, the first of them at about lunchtime so that I was home in time for supper, the second early in the morning so I was home in time for lunch. And the whole thing seemed like a glorious miracle because they assumed that I knew the nature of the modern operation, so didn't tell me in advance
that they would not be simply removing the cataracts, but would also be giving me new eyes by inserting tiny permanent lenses designed to correct such faults as there had been in my sight before the cataracts began. I had been short-sighted all my life, and suddenly I could see like a hawk and no longer needed glasses, except for the readers that the ‘long sight' of old age necessitates. Since then I have heard two or three sad stories of cataract operations which went wrong, but I remember my own with heartfelt gratitude.

When I turned eighty-two I remembered the resolution I had made and I did start thinking about whether or not I should give up my car, but all I could see was that while walking more than a quarter of a mile had become impossible, my driving showed no sign of being any different from what it always had been. Therefore I decided, ‘No, not quite yet.' By now, six years on, I probably ought to think again. My legs have almost given out and I am hard put to it to walk a hundred yards. It started with painful feet – painful for the simple but incurable reason that the flesh padding their soles gradually becomes thinner and thinner until at last your poor old bones are grinding into the ground with every step. This leads to incorrect walking so that soon your knees are affected, and then your hips, until there comes a time when it dawns on you that your legs as a whole have become so useless that if you tried to depend on them for more than a few steps without some sort of prop such as sticks, or god help you a Zimmer, you would simply
fall down
. And at that point your car begins to represent life. You hobble towards it, you ease your unwieldy body laboriously into the driver's seat – and lo! you are back to normal. Off you whizz
just like everyone else, restored to freedom, restored (almost) to youth. I always liked my car. Now I love it. But of course this increased love and dependence coincides with the deterioration of other things besides your legs, so the postponed ‘thinking about it'
does
need to be done. At the time of writing this, which is precisely a month before my eighty-ninth birthday, I have to admit that my car does carry three scars acquired within the last year, after never having any to show apart from those inflicted on it by others because it lives on the street.

Scar one: a very slight dent on its backside made when I was parking in a space next to a skip and failed to allow for the fact that the top rim of the skip stuck out. Scar two: not really a scar at all because easily straightened out by hand, but my passenger-side mirror did hit something hard enough to be almost flattened against the car's side when, in a narrow street full of oncoming traffic, I failed to judge correctly how much room I had on that side. Scar three, and this one is bad: a scrape, slightly dented, far back on the driver's side, of which I am much ashamed. At the end of a long, traffic-choked drive, when it had become dark, I forgot that the gate into Hyde Park just past the Hyde Park Hotel in the direction of Hyde Park Corner has long been permanently closed, and turned into its entrance, thus trapping myself in a little stub of roadway ending at a shut gate, with cars parked on both its sides and a row of bollards down its middle. The space between the bollards was not wide and was ill-lit, so a U-turn was not going to be easy, but the unbroken stream of headlights roaring past behind me made the prospect of reversing out into it unthinkable, so the
U-turn it would have to be. I had nearly completed it when I felt the pressure of a bollard against the car's side. And what did I do? Instead of stopping at once, reversing and starting again at a wider angle, I thought ‘If I go on it will make a nasty scrape – oh, what the hell, who cares!' and on I went. Which was wholly the result of being an overtired
old person
flustered by her own silliness in landing herself in an awkward situation.

But oddly enough I was not responsible for the worst accident I ever had – so bad that I still marvel at being alive – which happened earlier in this same year. The M11, where it bypasses Newmarket, has three lanes, and as with most three-lane motorways, the slow lane is so full of heavy vehicles travelling on the slow side of 70 m.p.h. that few cars use it, so in the other two lanes there is nothing to check the traffic from moving rather faster than it ought to, nearer to 80 m.p.h. than 70. I, on my familiar journey between London and Norfolk, was cheerfully buzzing along in the middle lane, not trying to overtake anything but simply going faster in the faster stream, and thus passing the heavy vehicles on my left. Just as my nose came level with the tail-end of one of them (not, thank god, one of the monsters), without having indicated its intention, it started to swing into the middle lane. Either I had to hit it, or I had to swerve into the fast lane. I can't say I made a decision, I didn't have time, I simply followed instinct and swerved. Whereupon crash! A car coming on fast in the fast lane hit me. For what seemed minutes but must have been only seconds I was sandwiched between the two vehicles, ricochetting from one to the other, then I suppose the lorry braked and the other vehicle pulled ahead. I had a flash of
‘That's better!', then blank horror: my car had gone out of control and what I did with my steering wheel had become utterly irrelevant, I was spinning across the width of the motorway, zig, zag, whoosh, a complete pirouette, the shoulder coming towards me, grass, thank god it's grass, and there I was on it, facing the wrong way, and the traffic roared on. Not a single other vehicle had been touched.

The lorry didn't stop. The car that hit me did, and its driver's husband walked back – they had to go on some distance before being able to cross the traffic and park – to exchange addresses and insurance companies, and he was concerned and kind. By the time he reached me my greatest piece of luck (after surviving and not having caused a god-awful pile-up) had brought me an ambulance driver and his mate, who had been coming on behind and had seen the whole thing. They not only stopped, but called the police for me and then stayed with me until they came, a long half-hour. ‘Someone up there is watching out for you,' said the driver in an awe-struck voice. He also said I'd handled it well, but really all I'd done was hung on grimly and refrained from braking. It was a baking hot day, the roar and stink of the traffic was hideous, and I can't think how, in my state of shock, I would have got through that half-hour on that narrow shoulder without the presence of those two kind men. I am still miserable at the fact that because I was in shock it never occurred to me to ask for their names and addresses.

After the first policeman arrived I slowly became able to see in a distant kind of way that it was becoming funny. He took a
statement from the ambulance driver, which spared me from having to attempt a description, then said that he must get the traffic stopped so that my car could be turned round. (Because there had been no head-on impact its chassis was undamaged and it was still movable, though it was badly bashed on both sides and its near front wheel was askew. It was to emerge from being repaired as good as new.) He then tried to use his radio, and it didn't work. Never mind, he said, here comes a colleague, and another police car drew up – and his radio didn't work either, greatly embarrassing both of them. But when a third policeman arrived, this one on a motorbike, and his proved just as useless, it dawned on all of us that we must be in a blank spot where there was no reception. From then on, at every stage of the drama – stopping the traffic, starting it up again, summoning the AA (in vain – they deal only with breakdowns, not accidents), finding a firm in Newmarket to tow in and repair the car – the unfortunate bike man had over and over again to speed to the nearest roundabout ahead, turn to speed to the nearest roundabout astern, then turn to speed back to us, all in order to make radio calls, because it seemed that they all relied on their radio equipment so trustingly that they carried no mobiles. I was there on that shoulder for over an hour and a half before a breakdown van arrived to convey me to the repair works in Newmarket.

Once there, I realized that I was feeling distinctly unwell: shock had turned into a general physical malaise. Offered a courtesy car, I accepted it because I was still fifty-odd miles from my destination, but I was not at all sure that I would be able to drive it. There was
something quite unreal about standing in that quiet office where people addressed me as though I were a normal customer, while in fact I was someone who ought to be a dead body trapped in a tangle of metal probably surrounded by a number of other dead or damaged bodies in similar tangles. I felt apologetic for being so oddly unreal, although no one seemed to be noticing.

Then, suddenly, Mrs Mattocks and her first-aid classes over sixty years ago, at the beginning of the war, loomed into my mind: our district nurse, very stout (my brother and I referred to her, alas, as Mrs Buttocks), whose task it was to prepare the village for invasion. Mrs Mattocks always said that in cases of shock by far the best thing was Hot Sweet Tea … and what was that in the corner of the office where I was stranded? A tea-making machine, with little envelopes of sugar in a paper cup beside it. Of course they allowed me to make myself a cup of tea, into which I put four envelopes of sugar – and Mrs Mattocks had been perfectly right! Halfway through that cup, click, and I came together. By the time it was finished I felt normal. Once in my courtesy car, I drove carefully and slowly but without a qualm. And from then on that horrible accident had so little effect on my nerves that now I say to myself, ‘With nerves as strong as that you can go on driving for at least another year. After all, the scars so far have been only on my car, not on people.'