Sophie's Smile: A Novel (4 page)

“You won’t believe it, Elle. He smiled at me! I think he’s interested. Maybe I should ask him to the dance. What do you think…?”

There were giggles and more gossip but I couldn’t pay attention to their conversation. I was stuck.
Now what do I do?
I just stood to the side, balanced the tray on my right forearm, and began eating my hamburger…quietly. I focused on each bite.
Nibbling.
Counting how many times I chewed.
Trying to look busy.

The sun, which showed mercy on the beauties seated just a few inches away from me, baked and glared against my greasy face, seeming to burn away the air in front of me. I choked on my breath as I tried to both chew and breathe. A fly pestered my hair; as I tried to swat it
away,
my napkin slipped and went flitting across the asphalt toward the neatly painted basketball courts. My feet burned as I shifted uncomfortably from side to side, trying to lean against the pole behind me but feeling an old, rusty bolt jab into my back.

I held back the tears that were starting to burn behind my eyes. No way was I going to let them have the satisfaction of breaking me. I wanted desperately to disappear, but my feet were like lead and I was planted there by my ego.
Stupid Korean ego.
Time crawled by; each second dragged longer than the last.

Then Leigh rushed by and Tessa called out to her, “Leigh, sit here.” Tessa was pointing to the empty seat as she moved the backpack onto the ground beside her. Slightly confused, Leigh thanked her and sat down. Everyone started talking to Leigh as if she were the guest of honor. I was horrified.
The seat wasn’t saved for someone, it was saved for anyone except me—Tessa just didn’t want me sitting next to her.

I mopped up the plate with the last bite of hamburger. Finally, the bell rang. Without a napkin, I hurriedly wiped my hands against my thighs, leaving dark smears along the hem of my gray T-shirt and matching smudges on my jeans. Pitifully, I jetted away to my next period, P.E.

9

I felt so self-conscious standing in the locker room, changing into my hideous gym clothes. I changed into the polyester/cotton blend, cobalt blue t-shirt and drawstring shorts (hideous P.E. clothes with our names printed in black sharpie within the dedicated white box). As I was putting on my RK
tennies
, Karen, Ann, and Ellen came over.

“Why is your hair so frizzy?” Karen casually asked. Her curiosity was overshadowed by her smirk.

“Um—I don’t know.” I stammered. I felt trapped.

“Well, your baby hair curls up to look like you have
horns
.” Karen laughed as she pointed to my hair and Ann giggled in response.

My face burned from embarrassment. My hands moved instinctively to the disobeying hairs that caused my anguish. I didn’t have a chance to pin my hair down after I changed into my P.E. outfit.

Then her words struck me like a handful of thorns—it took all but a few seconds for me to contemplate the words she attacked me with—
h—o—r—n—s—so that’s why they came up with that nickname
. I winced from the sudden realization.

“Nice shoes.” Karen said nonchalantly, as she walked past me to finish getting dressed.

I looked down at my white-and-gray RK
tennies
and cringed. Apparently, I wasn’t wearing the correct brand. I looked at Karen and her friends, as they were each putting on a pair of stark white
Filas
, most likely bought from the same store at the same time.

I was about to leave when Karen stopped me.

“Do you want to borrow some of my lotion for your ashy legs?”

“Umm, okay…thanks,” I stammered as I hung my head. I was mortified, but my legs were dry and I forgot my lotion at home. She tossed me her almost empty bottle of Victoria’s Secret apple lotion.

Apparently she, and the rest of the girls, shopped at Victoria’s Secret…I wasn’t sure why, but the lotion smelled good.

At that moment I wanted to shop there, too. I wanted to be invited to go to the mall with them and purchase delicious-smelling lotions and try on cool clothes. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of Karen’s group. I was even willing to sacrifice the humiliation it took to get me there. In the back of my mind I hoped that if I was able to withstand all there cruel jabs and insults, they would accept that as my initiation and let me join. It was a longshot, but I hung onto that appealing idea as if it were a cup of water in the blistering desert.

Nothing special happened in P.E. Meaning no one bothered me during class. I felt hot and gross as sweat rolled down my back, under my bra, and through my shirt. Armpit sweat must be the most unattractive part for someone who sweats as much as I do. Why did my body produce copious amounts of sweat when someone like Ellen just glowed under the sun?
Ugh.
So unfair.
I made sure my arms were pinned to my sides throughout the entire period, covering the large indigo patches that oozed onto my shirt. I didn’t want to give Karen anything else to use against me today. I would not be able to handle it.

10

Sigh.
I made it through another day. Relieved, I looked out the passenger side window lazily as I went over the events of the day in my head.
Picking apart the conversations, slight jabs, and my responses to them.
I tried to pinpoint how I brought it upon myself; I couldn’t figure it out. I was lost in thought when my mom interrupted me.

“So, how was your day?” My mom asked me this same question every single day when she picked me up from school. My mom had the heart of an angel, but lacked in originality. I guess it wouldn’t have irked me if I actually
had
a pleasant day at school.

I provided her with my usual response. “Fine,” I answered, still gazing out the window.

My mom waited for the stoplight to ask me her next question, so she could look at my face when I responded. Worry creased her eyes. I must not have been able to hide my emotions. She was about to ask me something else and then decided against it.

She always worried about me. I was her only child and was very sensitive. While I was still in her womb, she constantly dreamed about protecting jewels—protecting me.
Always running away from someone or something that was trying to take the precious stones away from her.
Once in her dream, someone actually tried taking her gold necklace, the one with the sun-shaped pendant, and the delicate chain broke into tiny pieces. Luckily, she picked up the pieces and ran. After I was born she realized the significance of the broken chain—the broken chain signified the holes in my heart. She honestly believed that if she hadn’t picked up and protected all the pieces, the holes would have been too large to mend on their own—of course, one hole remained. The theory, although odd, was interesting.

A few seconds passed. Then she said, “I noticed the poster for the Winter Dance. Are you going?”

“Maybe,” I shrugged. Hiding the truth, I tried to act like the dance didn’t matter.

“Did anyone ask you?”

“What?” My cheeks flushed as I instantly thought of Conner.

“Well, you know it would be okay if a boy asked you. You’re so pretty, of course guys will be lining up to take you to the dance.”

I rolled my eyes.
Oh no, my mom is going to give me “the talk” again…here it comes.

She continued. Once she started there was no stopping her. “It’s fine going to the dance with a boy, but don’t get too attached. You’re too young for a boyfriend. I don’t want you to even think about having a boyfriend until college. You need to focus on your studies. Besides, they only want one
thi
—”

“Mom!”
I interrupted.
Ugh.
I hated it when she cornered me in the car for talks like this one, where there was no escape (except for jumping out, which I considered on many occasions). I had been hearing variations of this “talk” for a few months now, ever since I started developing in the chest area.

“Don’t worry, Mom. I’m not interested in anyone and nobody is interested in me. If I go to the dance I’ll just be going with some of my friends.”
Sigh, friends…I’ll really need to get me some of those.

“Oh, okay. Like Karen and Britney?”

“Yes.” I didn’t want to tell her that Karen was not my friend and was the reason why I was always so moody and miserable. Luckily, I was able to chalk it up to puberty and hormones.

My mom seemed satisfied…for now.

The minute I got out of the car, I raided the fridge and cupboard. I took out skim milk and double chocolate chip cookies…
chocolate…
mmmm
…I was thoroughly enjoying my afterschool snack, already thinking about my next meal, when my mom came into the kitchen.

“Maybe you shouldn’t eat that.” She questioned in statement form. Worry was marked all over her face as she glanced down at my slightly exposed belly. I quickly tugged down on my shirt as my face burned.

Puberty seemed to hit me a few months ago and breasts were not the only part I gained. I started to gain weight so fast I didn’t know what was happening until I was twenty pounds heavier. I started wearing larger shirts to cover my tummy rolls, but I could never hide it from my mom. She saw everything.

That was it. I broke. Hot, salty tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Fine!”
I exclaimed a little harsher than I meant to, and stormed up to my room and slammed the door.

I plopped onto my down feather bed and cried until my pillow was drenched.
My heart pounding so hard, the beat slightly off.
Why was this happening to me?

I thought I was a good girl. I always obeyed my parents and teachers. Always doing the right thing and never talking back. I never worried about what and how much food I ate. I never wanted desperately to be friends with a mean girl like Karen.

It used to be easy.
Simple.
Now, everything was just messed up and I didn’t know what to do.
I’m lost.
So lost.

11

Once the bell rang, everyone jumped out of the yellow plastic seats. I still hadn’t figured out why the school did not opt for more appealing chairs to set beside their ostentatious, donated mahogany desks. I supposed they were waiting for the next “generous donation” from their parental patrons. I rushed out the door among the clamoring herd. Nobody was able to concentrate today. It was the school dance.

I decided to stall and stop by the bathroom before I went to the dance. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one who had that idea. There was a line out the door as girls were primping and changing.

Karen and her friends were also there, putting on way too much makeup and deciding on what outfit to change into. Somehow she had with her a garment bag full of designer dresses. I didn’t think the dance was going to be that big of a deal since it was right after sixth period in the school gymnasium, but boy was I wrong. I waited patiently for my turn since the other bathrooms were probably just as full as this one, moving side to side as the urgency became apparent.

“Look, she’s going to pee in her pants!” Karen snickered. All of the sudden, four sets of twinkling eyes darted in my direction. More giggles.

I pretended not to notice and quickly entered the now empty stall. It took a little longer than normal because I had to compose myself before I got out.

“Hmm.
She didn’t change out of her boring outfit so why do you think she took so long?” Karen was supposedly whispering to Tessa but she obviously wanted me to hear.

“Not sure…but it sure
stinks
in here.” Tessa chimed in, covering her nose.