Sophomores and Other Oxymorons (20 page)

S
aturday, after lunch, I heard a car pull up out front. A moment later, I heard footsteps run up the porch, followed by the doorbell.

It was Lee. Her folks were at the curb. The pin I'd given her had replaced the three studs she'd been wearing in her right ear.

“That was brilliant,” she said. “Best present, ever!” Her smile alone made all my effort worthwhile.

“I'm glad you figured it out,” I said.

She grabbed my shoulders and gave them a squeeze. “Thanks.”

I think she might have hugged me if we hadn't been under parental observation. Or maybe even kissed me. “Glad you liked it.”

“I have to go.” She raced toward the car. Then she stopped, twirled back toward me, and yelled, “Skull pin!” She emphasized the space between the two words. “Pure genius!” Laughing, she returned to her parents, who I imagine were totally puzzled by all of this.

I wondered how long it had taken her to identify the fish I'd given her as a sculpin. And then to figure out the pun. I was sad that the gift hadn't been my ticket to the dance, but happy that she loved it so much.

Amala walked up to me right after I closed the front door. “You like that girl a lot.”

“Is it that obvious?” I asked.

“Only to someone who is highly empathetic and extremely observant.” She awarded me with a wink and a gentle smile. “Don't worry, Scott, you aren't wearing your heart on your sleeve.”

“That would not be a great place for it. Though I think Lee would love the idea.” I pictured an actual heart on a sleeve. “Yeah. That would definitely charm her.”

“Have you asked her out?”

“I've tried. It's not easy. I guess I'm just a coward.”

“Don't be too hard on yourself. Shyness is real,” Amala said. “People don't recognize that. If you slashed your finger, anybody who saw it would tell you to put a bandage on the wound.”

“Sure,” I said.

“But if you tell people you're shy, all they say is ‘Get over it.'”

“That's what I tell myself,” I said.

“Before you even try to get over it, you need to accept it. It's not a disease or a flaw or even necessarily a bad thing. It's part of who you are, at this moment in your life. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah. It does. Thanks.”

“That's what big sisters are for,” she said. “If you want me to talk to her, say the word. I speak her language.”

“Not yet. But thanks for that, too.”

February 14

It's Valentine's Day, Sean. You'll probably enjoy it, once you start school. I can already see that you have an abundance of Hudson charm. As for me, I still don't have a valentine, but I made Lee very happy. Which made me happy. I think when you find someone whose happiness makes your own life better, you've found something special.

I know that there's more to a relationship than gifts, but it made me feel so good seeing her reaction, I thought about other things I'd get her, if I could. Here's my list:

Some of the Things I'd Buy for Lee if I Had Infinite Funds

A haunted castle

Books

Pluto (the one in orbit, not the dog)

Disney World (just in case she wanted both Plutos)

Bookshelves

A mummy

A top hat for the mummy

Bookmarks

The skull of a famous writer

A beret for the skull

The skull would come from a writer who is already dead. I probably didn't need to specify that.

Oh, in case you didn't spot it, the redundant part of the tautology definition (I loved writing that) was between
same thing
and
more than once
. Each implies the other. I should have written, “when you say the same thing in different ways.” I think that's a better definition, anyhow, because different ways is a crucial part of the definition of tautologies.

“Oh, dear,” Mom said.

“What?”

She handed me the local news section of the Sunday paper and tapped the headline of the lead article:
Developer Announces Plans to Revitalize Sibert Street.

I read the article. Sherman Construction had bought all the buildings on Sibert Street. There were plans to tear everything down and put in an office building. Demolition was set to start in July. I guess Mr. Sherman wanted to focus all his energy on ruining things for students and teachers while school was in session, and then ruin things for everyone else in town during the summer.

“Does Dad know?” I asked.

“Probably not yet.”

“It's going to reopen the wound,” I said.

“There'll be other opportunities to find a place.”

“But that place was perfect,” I said.

“Nothing is perfect,” Mom said.

“It was close to perfect,” I said.

“You're right,” she said. “It was.”

Zenger Zinger for February 17

Last week's answer:
“The preschool eye chart keeps sliding,” John Peter said emotionally.

This week's puzzle:
“I had to split my box of Valentine's chocolates with my friend,” John Peter said
_________
.

February 23

Sean, maybe I don't want Lee to be my girlfriend. I mean, I want a girlfriend. Desperately. But maybe I don't want to mess up my friendship with Lee with the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. We've really got the friendship thing down pretty well. I see couples breaking up all the time in school, and it's horrible. But I guess friends break up, too. I hadn't thought about that. Pay no attention to this entry, Sean. I'm confused.

Zenger Zinger for February 24

Last week's answer:
“I had to split my box of Valentine's chocolates with my friend,” John Peter said halfheartedly.

This week's puzzle:
“I wish hurdlers and sprinters got paid,” John Peter said
_________
.

L
ee showed up at my door Sunday afternoon. “Bookstore,” she said. “Are you up for it?”

“Which one?”

“At the college.”

I looked past her shoulder. Her mom was at the wheel. “I'm in.” I told my parents where I was going, then followed Lee to the car.

“Happy hunting,” her mom said when she dropped us off outside the student center.

Lee and I cut through the building and took the stairs up to the bookstore on the second floor. It mostly carried only the required books, but from what I'd seen, colleges required a lot of awesome reading material.

“This is like the first day of high school, freshman year,” I said. The college students dwarfed us. Unlike high school upperclassmen, they ignored us. I guess they were well on their way to becoming adults.

“Without the
Heart of Darkness
feel,” Lee said.

“‘
Heart of Darkness
'?” I asked.

“Brutal jungle environment,” she said. “You haven't read it?”

“Not yet.”

“I'm appalled and dismayed. Call me dispalled.” She cut across to the English lit section, speed-browsed the shelves for nine seconds, grabbed a paperback, and said, “My treat.”

“Thanks.”

She held up a credit card. “Actually, my parents' treat.”

“Even better.”

Lee headed deep into the literature aisles. I wandered. That was the best way to experience a bookstore. I ended up in the film studies section, which had a nice assortment of movie scripts. Lee eventually tracked me down there. She had a stack of novels in her hands. But she pulled another book from the shelves of the psychology section as we walked to the register.

“Check this out,” Lee said, holding it out toward me.

“
The Birth Order Book
,” I said, reading the cover. “What about it?”

“Well, yours has changed,” she said. “You're a middle child now. So you'll act differently.”

“No way. I mean, I know I changed from being the youngest to being in the middle. But that didn't change anything about
me
.” I reshelved the book.

Lee laughed. I didn't pursue the topic.

March 1

February is over, Sean. I'm glad. It's a bleak month. Too dark, too cold. I think everyone in Pennsylvania would be happy to teleport to somewhere warm for those four weeks. But March is here. Technically, still winter. But a gateway to spring.

Speaking of progress, you impressed me today, Sean. Banging two blocks together is a pretty awesome achievement for someone who's been in the world roughly as long as he'd been in the womb. It borders on the entertaining. Keep it up.

Zenger Zinger for March 3

Last week's answer:
“I wish hurdlers and sprinters got paid,” John Peter said protractedly.

This week's puzzle:
“Let's touch the bare wires together,” John Peter said
_________
.

Take Your Child to Work Day is the fourth Thursday of April. Whoever picked that date years ago couldn't have known that Test the Crap out of Sophomores Month would also eventually fall in April. As well as parts of March and May. Our school decided to relocate the event that was less important to them to the first Thursday in March. As much as I'd enjoyed it last
year, I wasn't sure I wanted to be with Dad at his job right now. Especially since this was the month the garage would have opened.

Lee had a solution. She unveiled it during the first Wednesday in March, which happened to be Try to Guess What's Really in the Chicken Cutlet Day.

“Let's switch,” she said.

“Switch what?”

“Dads.”

“No thanks. I want to survive to adulthood. And my dad is unschooled in parenting females.”

“Not the actual dads, although that would be amusing. Their jobs. I've already experienced all the glory of a day at a law firm. I'd prefer all the gory of a day of phlebotomy, but doctor's offices have these stupid rules against stuff like that. I'd love to go somewhere else. Switch with me?”

“That doesn't seem like a good idea.”

“Please?”

“No way.”

“Pretty please?”

“It's hard to resist such a persuasive argument,” I said. “But I'm standing firm. Wait. Actually, I'm avoiding a firm.”

“If it's hard to resist, it's persuasive by definition. You're being redundant. You can thank me for pointing that out by switching with me.”

“Your dad might say no.”

“He already said yes.”

“My dad might say no.”

Lee hit me with the second- or third-best-known
Princess Bride
quote. “Inconceivable.”

“I might say no.”

“That would be a mistake,” she said. “Let's do it.”

“Okay. Sure. We'll switch.” I knew that it would be pointless to resist. Besides, it might be interesting to observe the lion in his lair.

• • •

Mr. Franka pulled me aside after the newspaper meeting. “You know those figures of speech you were learning about before Mrs. Gilroy took ill?”

I was glad he was talking to me again. “Is that a rhetorical question?”

“Very funny.”

“Thanks.

“Seriously, that's not sophomore material. Some of it isn't even high school material. When Mrs. Gilroy first put it in her lesson plan, several decades ago, she was told she couldn't cover it.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Lesson plans were a lot more rigid back then. She fought for it. Took the battle to the school board. That's how much she cares. Of all the things she teaches, as much as she loves the prose of Steinbeck and the poetry of Whitman, it's the tools of the craft that are her true passion.”

“Yeah. I get that. But I still don't understand why she's jamming all of this down our throats,” I said.

“You'll figure it out eventually,” Mr. Franka said.

“If I don't die first.”

“I'm pretty sure you'd already be on board if anyone other than Mrs. Gilroy was involved,” he said.

“Maybe.”

“Well, you'll get your chance to find out soon enough,” he said.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

He gave me a cryptic smile. “You'll see.”

A
re you sure you want to spend the day with the devil?” Mr. Fowler asked when he picked me up.

“As long as I don't have to sign anything,” I said. I slipped into the passenger seat. “I like the devil's wheels.” Any time Lee's parents had driven us places, it was in an SUV. This was an Audi Spyder.

“The wages of sin are six or seven figures,” he said.

I don't know a lot about clothing, but the suit he wore looked like it cost more than most people make in a week. Or maybe even a month. I had the feeling someone he knew by name had sewn it together, piece by piece, so it fit him exactly. We drove across the Delaware River into New Jersey. So did about ten thousand other people, who all wanted to get in front of us, or push us out of their way from behind. Mr. Fowler didn't seem stressed at all by the traffic. On the other hand, he was driving a car that could eat most other cars for breakfast and spit their remains out its tailpipe while purring along at 120
miles an hour. I loved watching the expressions of the drivers we passed when they spotted me.
Yeah, this kid rides in style.

We ended up at an office building in Piscataway. The directory in the lobby listed
Geary, Fowler, and Goldsmith, Environmental Law
on the fifth floor. I noticed there were no other companies on that floor.

When we stepped out of the elevator, it was pretty much the way they showed big law firms on TV. There was a receptionist right past the elevator, offices along the outside walls, and dozens of cubicles in the center of the space. Mr. Fowler had a large office in one of the corners, with a view of the Raritan River.

“Impressive,” I said.

“Impressions help land and maintain clients,” he said.

There was a family picture on his desk, taken when Lee was about five or six. It looked like she'd been born with brown hair. Mr. Fowler interrupted my contemplation.

“So, how much are you here to see what I do, and how much are you here because it got you out of school?” he asked.

“It's seventy/thirty,” I said. “I am sort of interested.”

“That's about what I would have guessed. As for the work, I'm sorry to say that much of it will seem pretty dull. Books, reading, research, that sort of stuff.”

“I like research,” I said. “And I spend a lot of time reading.”

“Don't try to suck up to me, Scott,” he said.

“I wouldn't dream of it. I really do like research.”

He pulled a chair over for me, then sat at his desk and started working. As he went through a stack of documents his secretary had brought in, he told me what he was working on.

“There's a company near Lake Havasu City in Arizona. They make high-tech batteries. They employ three hundred people, doing everything from cleaning the floors to researching new technologies. This is all good, right?”

I hesitated, wondering whether it was a trick question. But finally, I said, “Right.”

“The current manufacturing process involves some heavy metals. Do you know what those are?”

I nodded. “Stuff like cadmium.”

“Right. And, as with any process, there are waste products. The company does a responsible job of disposing of these products. But a rare species of toad lives near the factory. Environmentalists fear that this properly disposed waste will harm this toad or reduce its habitat.”

“So what do they want to do?” I asked.

“They want to close the plant.”

He paused to let that sink in.

“Close it?”

“Close it,” Mr. Fowler said. He waved his hand to encompass the law firm around us. “We, on the other hand, do not want them to have to close the plant and put three hundred people out of work. That would be not just a personal tragedy for each employee, but also a great loss to the economy in the area. Many local businesses would suffer.”

“What's the law say?” I asked.

“The law is slightly vague on some aspects of this, as is often the case. Laws are written with words. Those words are defined with other words, which are in turn defined by yet more words, some of which end up circling back to the initial words.”

“Sounds like modern poetry,” I said.

“It's not quite that bad. But a lot depends on the interpretation. It's my job to argue for an interpretation that favors my client. The government will attempt to argue otherwise. But I haven't told you the most compelling part. Are you ready for the kicker?”

“Sure.”

“The company is investing a large portion of their research funds in developing a green battery—one that can be completely and inexpensively recycled without damaging the environment.”

“So it's not a simple case of man against frog.”

“Toad.”

“
Frog
is funnier.”

“You might not enjoy law school.” He grabbed a notepad, wrote down some reptile and amphibian names, both common and scientific, then said, “Here. Do some research. See if there are news stories about any of these animals.”

I wasn't sure if he was just giving me busywork, but I wasn't lying when I said I liked research. And Mr. Fowler's firm had totally kick-ass computers with access to all sorts of databases and news archives. He also had lunch delivered.

• • •

“Thanks. That was interesting.” I reached to unbuckle my seat belt. I didn't know whether I wanted to be a lawyer, but I totally knew how I wanted to get to work.

“You're welcome,” Mr. Fowler said. “Pay no attention to my suggestion that you avoid law school. I think the professors deserve a challenge once in a while.”

“I'll give it some thought,” I said. “I really did have a good time.”

“And your research actually had some minimal value.”

“I'm glad.”

As I pushed open the door and started to step out, he said, “Scott?”

“Yes?”

“If you ever hurt her, I'll destroy you.”

Talk about being caught off guard. I guess I should have said something noble, or assured him that I would never dream of hurting Lee. I'd throw myself in front of her to take a bullet, if necessary. As usual, all the good replies came to me later, when I was replaying the scene in my mind. At the moment, all I could come up with was, “That seems fair.”

I really don't ever want to have a daughter.

• • •

We compared notes at lunch the next day.

“Your dad's awesome,” Lee said.

“I know. So is yours. Sort of.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

“He's trying to save three hundred jobs at a company that wants to develop an environmentally friendly battery,” I said.

“Oh my god, you went over to the dark side,” Lee said.

“What?”

“You swallowed the poison. You chomped on the bait. You fell for his line. You probably don't care at all about the toad. You'd make a perfect lawyer.”

“Well, it's just a toad. I mean, I feel bad for it, but there are lots of toads.”

“Not like this one.”

“So?”

“What if there's a chemical in that toad's skin that can cure cancer?”

“You mean you'd want to save the toad so you can grind it up for medicine?”

“No. That's just an example.”

“What about the three hundred people at the factory?”

“I feel bad for them,” Lee said.

“But not as bad as you feel for the toad?”

“It's not that simple,” she said.

“Exactly!”

“Why are you shouting?”

“Why are
you
shouting?”

Lee looked at me. I looked at her.

We both started to laugh. Richard and Edith exchanged glances, and shook their heads.

“I'm glad I'm not an adult yet,” I said. “They have to deal with all sorts of stuff where you just can't win. Even if you do win, you sort of lose.”

“Let's stay young forever, Peter,” Lee said. “We'll be pirates.”

“Very funny. I don't want to stay young forever. I just want to remain here a little bit longer.”

• • •

Wesley picked me up after dinner. We were going to the movies. He was in one of those trucks they use to deliver big sheets of window glass.

“Wow, you really have to be careful driving that stuff around,” I said when I hopped into the passenger side.

“Tell me about it,” Wesley said. “Some of the roads are still icy from the last storm.”

• • •

Sunday, as I should have expected, Lee texted me at 2:00
A.M.

Is it my imagination, or did the last hour seem to fly right by?

I was too sleepy to think up a clever answer.

• • •

On Monday, as always after the clocks were changed, things felt a bit out of sync. But for a moment at the start of ninth period, when I walked into the classroom, it was not the clocks but the calendar that had been set back. Mr. Franka was standing up front. There was no sign of Mr. Kamber.

I turned to Lee. “If everyone gets three wishes, I'm down to two.”

Mr. Franka soon doused my hopes. “Mrs. Gilroy, who will be returning next month, asked me to make sure her favorite class still has a large amount of enthusiasm for the joy of words. So, just for today, I've swapped classes with Mr. Kamber.”

“Those poor freshmen,” Lee said.

I flashed her a smile and said, “Nwarries, smite!”

“Let's generate some joy.” Mr. Franka picked up the chalk. “Black-and-white television, AM radio, mainframe computer, analogue recording.” He wrote each phrase on the board as he spoke. “What do all of these have in common?”

“They're old?” Julia guessed.

Mr. Franka nodded. “True. But there's more to it than that.” He wrote “yes” above the list of words, and “no” to the right of the list.

Under the “no,” he wrote “slide rule” and “buggy whip.”

“What's a slide rule?” Kelly asked.

Mr. Franka gave her a quick explanation. I knew what they were. My grandfather had showed me one, years ago. It was kind of cool how you could do math with it, even though it wasn't real accurate for big numbers.

Mr. Franka tossed the chalk from hand to hand. “Any more guesses?”

“They're all some sort of technology,” Kelly said.

“True,” Mr. Franka said. “So let's add a few more examples.” Under “yes,” he wrote “wild salmon” and “snail mail.”

I thought about my letters from Mouth. “Snail mail” used to just be called “mail.” I scanned the rest of the phrases on the left side of the list, to see if they fell into that same category. Yeah, they fit. At one time, there was just radio, and there were just computers. All radio was AM, and all computers were mainframes.

“Got it.” I raised my hand.

“Yes, Scott,” Mr. Franka said.

“All the words on the left, they used to not need to be modified. Right?”

“Right,” Mr. Franka said. “The new coinages became necessary because of changes. At one time, there was just television. When color TV came along, it became necessary to refer to the old televisions as black-and-white TVs.”

He paused so we could absorb this, then added, “Words of this sort are called
retronyms.
”

“Cool,” I said. And that word made me think of a retronym. Hot tea. I think all tea used to be served hot. There was just tea. But then there was iced tea.

And so I had a brief classroom reunion with my favorite English teacher.

Zenger Zinger for March 10

Last week's answer:
“Let's touch the bare wires together,” John Peter said shortly.

This week's puzzle:
“A buffalo and half a score of lampreys,” John Peter said
_________
.