Sorrows of Adoration (68 page)

“All that you owe is as
nothing, now that she is dying because I failed to protect
her.”

“No more than I did by
allowing my mother to stay in the palace when I knew that I had
incensed her.”

“I have failed to
protect her too many times. She has suffered wounds, abduction, and
far too many sorrows. I have not been able to protect her from any
of those things. Her only true Champion has ever been herself. Her
own strength and intellect saved her each time, not those us who
have loved her,” Jarik said. “You’re wrong that I could have taken
her for myself. She is not like the women of the court. She does
not wait for directions, instructions, and orders. She acts of her
own accord. I have never returned her to you. She has always
returned herself. She does not wait for a Champion to protect
her.”

“Except when you
stopped her from taking her own life. You saved her life then. You
were her Champion then,” Kurit pointed out.

“No. That was the
horrible thing, the way she fought me. She wasn’t walking to the
bluffs in daylight expecting to be rescued. She crept out in the
middle of the night, walked there on her own, proudly, not knowing
I had been on my balcony unable to sleep and had seen her leave,
not knowing that I was following her. She didn’t want to be saved.
When I saw what she was about to do and called to her, she didn’t
even turn around but walked faster, intent on destroying herself.
Never have I run so fast. I had to drag her to the ground to stop
her, and even then she clawed at the ground, trying to pull herself
to the edge. I was not saving her life. I was condemning her to it.
I very much believe that the only thing that prevented her from
trying again was guilt over leaving her son motherless.”

“Even still? Do you
think she wishes to die even now?”

“I don’t know. She
seemed to improve her outlook over time. I think she regained some
hope. She has had brief moments of happiness recently. I don’t know
if she is happy, though. She was hopeful things had improved for
you but was nervous on our return,” Jarik said. “You have gone
pale. Did your conversation with her not go well?”

“No, it went quite
well, actually. She let me hold her and kiss her once. She even
favoured me with a smile and some laughter. But hearing all of
this … I had hoped that Tash was being dramatic. I couldn’t
imagine that she could truly die. Not strong Aenna. But if her will
to live is as drained as you say …”

“You fear that she will
allow herself to slip away,” said Jarik bluntly.

“Don’t say it. Don’t
breathe the words. I can’t let that happen.”

“You have not heard my
message. Nobody controls Aenna’s will but Aenna. Her love for
either of us didn’t stop her desire to die that night. You broke
her heart. Loving me is morally and legally wrong and causes her
guilt and pain. Only love for her child is untainted. She is dying
whether we approve or not.”

“Stop saying that,”
Kurit pleaded.

“You know as well as I
that Tash would not make such a proclamation of doom without
reason.”

“No. She’s survived
through hardships before. She’s strong.”

“Was strong. My failure
to protect her and your failure to treat her as she deserved sapped
that strength. She’s dying, Kurit. And we all had a hand in killing
her. Now go and be with her in her last hours. Let Raelik say
goodbye.”

“You give up on her too
easily.”

“Never. But I
understand why she would give up on us.” Jarik went to the door to
Kurit’s receiving room.

“Where are you
going?”

“To seek the last
vestige of my honour,” Jarik said quietly and then left.

Kurit remained in his
chambers quietly for some time and then returned to my bedside.
After kissing my forehead, he said to Leiset, “I must find a way to
explain this to my son. I’ll return with Raelik shortly, but I want
you to summon me immediately if there is any change.”

Leiset says Kurit left,
and she stayed with me in silence for about half an hour. Then
Jarik entered, dressed in his finest ceremonial armour, the crest
of the Queen’s Champion upon his breastplate. He knelt at the side
of my bed and bowed his head in silence for a few minutes. When he
looked up, Leiset tells me that his eyes were brimming with
tears.

My beloved Champion
took my hand, kissed it, and then turned it over and pressed my
palm to his cheek. His tears rolled onto my hand as he said,
“Forgive me, my Queen, for failing you yet again.”

Then he rose, handed
Leiset a sealed letter, and asked that she put it in my hands when
I would soon be laid to rest. Then he left quickly, leaving Leiset
behind to cry for us both as she tucked the letter away in one of
my drawers.

I HEARD NOTHING THAT
was said to me whilst unconscious. I wish dearly that I had felt
Jarik’s touch or Kurit’s words of love, but I recall nothing. But
three days after Tash had proclaimed me to be on the edge of death,
I became conscious enough to feel that someone was holding my right
hand and that my throat was quite sore.

I could not open my
eyes, so I tried instead to squeeze the hand that I felt. I wasn’t
sure if that had even worked until I heard Kurit’s voice close to
me but muffled as though he were speaking through a pillow. He was
calling to me, begging me to show a sign of life. He asked
frantically if I could feel his hand touching my cheek, and I
could.

Still, my eyes would
not open. I heard other voices and became confused with the
cacophony about me. Had it not been for Kurit’s hand still
clenching my own, I would have been frightened by the chaos.

I tried to speak but my
dry, aching throat wouldn’t allow it. To be honest, I don’t think
that I could have managed to be coherent anyway. The voices around
me made little sense, though I could tell that they were speaking
words I ought to have understood.

Finally, someone put
water to my lips, and I tried to gulp at it, desperate for the cold
liquid to soothe my throat. Through the other sounds, I heard
Tash’s distinct voice order me not to drink quickly and not to
speak at all.

The soothing effect of
the cold water must have relaxed me, for I fell back into my deep
sleep. The voices faded out entirely, and I was glad of it.

My next memory is of
waking to feel something warm cuddled against my right side. I knew
in an instant it was my son with his head nestled into my shoulder,
for the scent of his hair brought forth every maternal memory and
instinct. Though I was not feeling quite right and still confused
as to where I was and what had happened, feeling him breathing in
sleep against me was great comfort. I think I may have smiled.

I soon found the
strength to open my eyes and look at Raelik. I felt such joy at
seeing him there that I almost wept. I was filled with a rush of
wordless love for my darling child.

I turned my head a
little more when I heard a sound beside the bed. Kurit was slumped
awkwardly in a chair, snoring gently. That’s when I realized it was
night, for the little bit of light in the room was from a lamp and
not outside.

I tried to call to my
husband, but the beginning of the whisper locked my throat in pain.
I couldn’t understand why my throat was so sore. It felt raw, and
my tongue felt odd in my mouth. I had no memory at that point of
the stabbing, the swelling, and everything else that had happened.
I could feel a dressing wrapped around my throat but didn’t know
why it was there.

As I shifted a little
in the bed, I became aware of a dull ache in my left shoulder.
Memories of what had occurred then flooded my mind, and I felt a
moment of panic.

I must have become
tense or shivered or something, for Raelik woke. He lifted his head
from my shoulder and whispered, “Mumma?”

I turned to him and
smiled, remembering then Tash’s directive not to speak. Raelik
lifted himself up to his knees to look at me, his little hands
balancing himself by leaning on my arm. When he saw me awake and
smiling at him, his sweet face glowed with delight. “Papa!” he
cried out. “Papa! Mumma’s all better!”

Kurit jolted awake at
the sudden sound. He looked at me, and seeing that I was indeed
awake, his face lit up just as much as our son’s had. Kurit came to
my side quickly and whispered, “Gods be praised!” He touched my
cheek softly and said, “Don’t try to speak. Tash had to put a hole
in your throat because you could not breathe. He says it’s healing
well—thankfully without infection—and although you likely could
speak, he insists that you had better not just to be safe.”

Raelik grabbed Kurit’s
sleeve and said, “Papa, can Mumma stay here now?”

I didn’t understand
what the boy meant until I saw Kurit’s face regard Raelik with a
pained sadness. “Yes, Raelik, Mumma’s staying now. She’s not going
away anymore.”

My heart twisted itself
into a knot to realize that they had thought me to be dying, and
Kurit had undoubtedly explained to Raelik that I was leaving. I
wanted so badly to put my baby boy into another world where he had
never had to endure such an explanation. I felt my jaw begin to
tremble as tears approached. I was devastated to know that my son
had had to learn about so many awful things at his young age.

Kurit saw that I was
upset and wisely scooped Raelik up from the bed before the child
saw my anguish. Kurit stood Raelik up on the floor and said,
“Mumma’s going to be fine now, Raelik. But how would you like to do
something nice for her?” I saw the boy’s head nod vigorously and
remembered how he had “guarded” me at the cottage. Kurit smiled at
our son and said, “Then go into Leiset’s room and wake her up. Tell
her that your Mumma is awake and to go fetch Tash. Can you do
that?”

Raelik nodded again,
delighted to have such attention and responsibility.

“That’s my good little
man,” said Kurit with great affection. “Go now. Hurry up, but don’t
run!”

Raelik scampered out of
the room despite the directive against running. Kurit returned to
my side and took my hand.

“I know why you look as
though you’re going to weep,” he said softly. “But you mustn’t.
It’ll just hurt your throat.” He caressed my cheek softly as his
own face began to betray sadness. “I didn’t want to have to tell
him about your impending death, Aenna, truly I didn’t. But we
thought you were going to die, and I wanted him to be with me at
your side to say goodbye to you. I thought that …” Kurit bit
his lip and looked away. He shut his eyes tightly in a clear
attempt not to weep. When he lost the fight, he roughly brushed his
tears away and looked at me again. “I thought that I’d never look
into your eyes again.”

Then he shook his head
and said, “What’s the matter with me? You must be parched! Here,
there’s water here.” Very gently, he put water to my lips, and I
happily drank.

He set the glass down
and gently wiped my face with a cool cloth.

“Are you hungry?” he
asked. “You must be. But Tash said the poison may have affected
your stomach, so perhaps you feel too ill to eat.”

Though I had recalled
Kasha stabbing me, I had not had yet the presence of mind to wonder
why my throat had swollen, nor why I had been so close to death.
When Kurit mentioned poison, I remembered the yellow dirt encrusted
upon the end of her blade.

Kurit saw my look of
consternation and said, “You don’t even know. I’m sorry. I can’t
think straight. I’m just so glad to see you awake. We thought that
you were dying until you woke briefly this afternoon. There was
poison on the poignard, Aenna. Mother, she …” An incredulous
look passed over his face as he babbled. “I still can’t believe
that she could do such a thing. She wanted you dead and tried to
ensure it by poisoning the blade with brimane crystals. It makes
the throat swell shut, only for a short time, but long enough to
suffocate the victim. I suppose she thought that she—”

He stopped speaking as
Tash burst into the room with Leiset right behind him, carrying
Raelik.

“Look! Mumma’s all
better!” my son proclaimed.

Tash bustled Kurit out
of his way and put his hand to my head as he felt my wrist for a
pulse with his other hand. He did not even look at Kurit as he
asked, “Did you give her some water?”

“Yes,” Kurit said
quickly.

Tash looked at me
intently and said, “Don’t speak. Just nod for yes. Did it hurt to
drink?”

I shook my head and
proceeded to answer his onslaught of questions in that manner.

Finally he said again,
“You’re not to talk until that dressing comes off, not even if it
feels as if you can. No exceptions, Aenna.” I suspected he was
being over-dramatic about it but nodded my agreement anyway.

I made a motion with my
right hand of writing, and Tash said, “Yes. That’s a good idea.
Leiset will fetch you one of Kordos’s teaching slates and a chalk,
and you can write when you have to. For now, do you feel up to
having some soup? You’re pitifully thin and weak, and that makes it
more difficult for your body to recover.”

As was his delight,
Tash took over the entire situation and began issuing orders to
everyone. He spent the next two days hovering over me to ensure
that I did not disobey him in any way.

Naturally, I wondered
where Jarik was when I did not see him. At first I assumed that he
had been ordered by Tash to keep away and let me rest. Then I
worried that perhaps he felt badly about my having been injured and
he was hiding miserably in his chamber.

Then as another day
passed by without seeing him, I began to fret that he and Kurit had
fought and perhaps that Kurit had sent him away. Of course, I did
not know at that time that they had spoken at all, let alone what
had been said.