Soul Music (35 page)

‘It's not an original idea, mind you,' said the sergeant. ‘Been done dozens of times.'

‘Yeah,' said the corporal awkwardly. ‘That's what
they
must've thought. And then . . . and then . . . when they was galloping down the sand-dunes . . . when they was almost on us, laughing and everything, saying stuff like “that old trick again” . . . someone shouted “Fire!”
and they did
.'

‘The dead men—?'

‘I joined the Legion to . . . er . . . you know, with your mind . . .' the corporal began.

‘Forget?' said Albert.

‘That's right. Forget. And I've been getting good at it. But I'm not going to forget my old mate Nudger Malik stuck full of arrows and still giving the enemy what for,' said the corporal. ‘Not for a long time. I'm going to give it a try, mind you.'

Albert looked up at the battlements. They were empty.

‘Someone formed 'em up in formation and they all marched out, afterwards,' said the corporal. ‘And I went out to look just now and there was just graves. They must have dug them for one another . . .'

‘Tell me,' said Albert, ‘who is this “someone” to whom you keep referring?'

The soldiers looked at one another.

‘We've just been talking about that,' said the sergeant. ‘We've been trying to remember. He was in . . . the Pit . . . when it started . . .'

‘Tall, was he?' said Albert.

‘Could have been tall, could have been tall,' nodded the corporal. ‘He had a tall voice, certainly.' He looked puzzled at the words coming out of his own mouth.

‘What did he look like?'

‘Well, he had a . . . with . . . and he was about . . . more or less a . . .'

‘Did he look . . . loud and deep?' said Albert.

The corporal grinned with relief. ‘That's him,' he said. ‘Private . . . Private . . . Beau . . . Beau . . . can't quite remember his name . . .'

‘I know that when he walked out of the . . .' the sergeant began, and began to snap his fingers irritably, ‘. . . thing you open and shut. Made of wood. Hinges and bolts on it. Thank you. Gate. That's right . . . gate. When he went out of the gate he said . . . what was it he said, corporal?'

‘He said, “
EVERY LAST DETAIL
”, sir.'

Albert looked around the fort.

‘So he's gone.'

‘Who?'

‘The man you were just telling me about.'

‘Oh. Yes. Er. Have you any idea who he was, offendi? I mean, it was amazing . . . talk about morale . . .'

‘Esprit de corpse?' said Albert, who could be nasty at times. ‘I suppose he didn't say where he was going next?'

‘Where who was going next?' said the sergeant, wrinkling his forehead in honest enquiry.

‘Forget I asked,' said Albert.

He took a last look round the little fort. It probably didn't matter much in the history of the world whether it survived or not, whether the dotted line on the map went one way or the other. Just like the Master to tinker with things . . .

Sometimes he tries to be human, too, he thought. And he makes a pig's ear out of it.

‘Carry on, sergeant,' he said, and wandered back into the desert.

The legionnaires watched him disappear over the dunes, and then got on with the job of tidying up the fort.

‘Who d'you think he was?'

‘Who?'

‘The person you just mentioned.'

‘Did I?'

‘Did you what?'

Albert crested a dune. From here the dotted line was just visible, winding treacherously across the sand.

‘You and me both,' said Albert.

He removed an extremely grubby handkerchief from a pocket, knotted it in all four corners, and put it on his head.

‘Right,' he said, but there was a trace of uncertainty in his voice. ‘Seems to me we're not being logical about this.'

‘I mean, we could be chasing him all over the place.'

‘So maybe we ought to think about this.'

‘Now . . . if you were on the Disc, definitely feeling a bit strange, and could go absolutely anywhere, anywhere at all . . . where would you go?'

‘Anywhere at all. But somewhere where no one remembers your name.'

The Death of Rats looked around at the endless, featureless and above all
dry
desert.

‘You know, I think you're right.'

It was in an apple tree.

He built me a swing
, Susan remembered.

She sat and stared at the thing.

It was quite complicated. In so far as the thinking behind it could be inferred from the resulting construction, it had run like this:

Clearly a swing should be hung from the stoutest branch.

In fact – safety being paramount – it would be better to hang it from the
two
stoutest branches, one to each rope.

They had turned out to be on opposite sides of the tree.

Never go back. That was part of the logic. Always press on, step by logical step.

So . . . he'd removed about six feet from the middle of the tree's trunk, thus allowing the swing to, well, swing.

The tree hadn't died. It was still quite healthy.

However, the lack of a major section of trunk had presented a fresh problem. This had been overcome by the addition of two large props under the branches, a little further out from the ropes of the swing, keeping the whole top of the tree at about the right height off the ground.

She remembered how she'd laughed, even then. And he'd stood there, quite unable to see what was wrong.

And then she saw it all, all laid out.

That was how Death worked. He never understood exactly what he was doing. He'd do something, and it would turn out wrong.
Her mother; suddenly he had a grown woman on his hands and didn't know what to do next
. So he did something else to make it right, which made it more wrong.
Her father. Death's apprentice!
And when
that
went wrong, and its potential wrongness was built right into it, he did something else to make it right.

He'd turned over the hourglass.

After that, it was all a matter of maths.

And the Duty.

‘Hello . . .
hells, Glod, tell me where we are
 . . . Sto Lat! Yay!'

It was an even bigger audience. There'd been more time for the posters to be up, more time for the word-of-mouth from Ankh-Morpork. And, the band realized, a solid core of people had followed them from Pseudopolis.

In a brief break between numbers, just before the bit where people started leaping around on the furniture, Cliff leaned over to Glod.

‘You see dat troll in der front row?' he said. ‘The one Asphalt's jumping on the fingers of?'

‘The one that looks like a spoil heap?'

‘She was in Pseudopolis,' said Cliff, beaming. ‘She keeps looking at me!'

‘Go for it, lad,' said Glod, emptying the spit from his horn. ‘In like Flint, eh?'

‘You think she's one of dem gropies Asphalt told us about?'

‘Could be.'

Other news had travelled fast, too. Dawn saw another redecorated hotel room, a royal proclamation from Queen Keli that the band was to be out of the city in one hour on pain of pain, and one more rapid exit.

Buddy lay in the cart as it bumped over the cobbles towards Quirm.

She hadn't been there. He'd scanned the audience on both nights, and she hadn't been there. He'd even got up in the middle of the night and walked through the empty streets, in case
she
was looking for him. Now he wondered if she existed. If it came to that, he was only half certain that
he
existed, except for the times when he was on stage.

He half listened to the conversation from the others.

‘Asphalt?'

‘Yes, Mr Glod?'

‘Cliff and me can't help noticing something.'

‘Yes, Mr Glod?'

‘You've been carrying a heavy leather bag around, Asphalt.'

‘Yes, Mr Glod.'

‘It was a bit heavier this morning, I think.'

‘Yes, Mr Glod.'

‘It's got the money in it, yes?'

‘Yes, Mr Glod.'

‘How much?'

‘Er. Mr Dibbler said I wasn't to worry you with money stuff,' said Asphalt.

‘We don't mind,' said Cliff.

‘That's right,' said Glod. ‘We
want
to worry.'

‘Er.' Asphalt licked his lips. There was something deliberate in Cliff's manner. ‘About two thousand dollars, Mr Glod.'

The cart bounced on for a while. The landscape had changed a little. There were hills, and the farms were smaller.

‘Two thousand dollars,' said Glod. ‘
Two
thousand dollars. Two
thousand
dollars. Two thousand
dollars
.'

‘Whyd' you keep saying two thousand dollars?' said Cliff.

‘I've never had a
chance
to say two thousand dollars.'

‘Just don't say it so loud.'

‘TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!'

‘Ssh!' said Asphalt, desperately, as Glod's shout echoed off the hills. ‘This is bandit country!'

Glod eyed the satchel. ‘You're telling me,' he said.

‘I don't mean Mr Dibbler!'

‘We're on the road between Sto Lat and Quirm,' said Glod patiently. ‘This isn't the Ramtops road. This is civilization. They don't rob you on the road in civilization.' He glanced darkly at the satchel again. ‘They wait until you've got into the cities. That's why it's called civilization. Hah, can you tell me the last time anyone was ever robbed on this road?'

‘Friday, I believe,' said a voice from the rocks. ‘Oh, bugg—'

The horses reared up and then galloped forward. Asphalt's crack of the whip had been an almost instinctive reaction.

They didn't slow down until they were several miles further along the road.

‘Just shut up about money, all right?' hissed Asphalt.

‘I'm a professional musician,' said Glod. ‘Of
course
I think about money. How far is it to Quirm?'

‘A lot less now,' said Asphalt. ‘A couple of miles.'

And after the next hill the city lay before them, nestling in its bay.

There was a cluster of people at the town's gates, which were closed. Afternoon sunlight glittered off helmets.

‘What do you call them long sticks with axes on the end?' said Asphalt.

‘Pikes,' said Buddy.

‘There's certainly a lot of them,' said Glod.

‘They can't be for us, can dey?' said Cliff. ‘We're only musicians.'

‘And I can see some men in long robes and gold chains and things,' said Asphalt.

‘Burghers,' said Glod.

‘You know that horseman that passed us this morning . . .' said Asphalt. ‘I'm thinking that maybe news travels.'

‘Yes, but
we
didn't break up dat theatre,' said Cliff.

‘Well, you only gave them six encores,' said Asphalt.

‘We didn't do all dat rioting in the streets.'

‘I'm sure the men with the pointy blades will understand that.'

‘Maybe dey don't want der hotels redecorated. I
said
it was a mistake, orange curtains with yellow wallpaper.'

The cart came to a halt. A rotund man with a tricorn hat and a fur-trimmed cloak scowled uncomfortably at the band.

‘Are you the musicians known as The Band With Rocks In?' he said.

‘What seems to be the problem, officer?' said Asphalt.

‘I am the mayor of Quirm. According to the laws of Quirm, Music With Rocks In cannot be played in the city. Look, it says so right here . . .'

He flourished a scroll. Glod caught it.

‘That ink looks wet to me,' he said.

‘Music With Rocks In represents a public nuisance, is proven to be injurious to health and morals and to cause unnatural gyrations of the body,' said the man, pulling the scroll back.

‘You mean we can't come into Quirm?' said Glod.

‘You can come in if you must,' said the mayor. ‘But you're not to play.'

Buddy stood up on the cart.

‘But we've
got
to play,' he said. The guitar swung around on its strap. He gripped the neck and raised his strumming hand threateningly.

Glod looked around in desperation. Cliff and Asphalt had put their hands over their ears.

‘Ah!' he said. ‘I think what we have here is an occasion for negotiation, yes?'

He got down from the cart.

‘I expect what your worship hasn't heard of,' he said, ‘is the music tax.'

‘What music tax?' said Asphalt and the mayor together.

‘Oh, it's the latest thing,' said Glod. ‘On account of the popularity of Music With Rocks In. Music tax, fifty pence a ticket. Must have amounted to, oh, two hundred and fifty dollars in Sto Lat, I reckon. More than twice that in Ankh-Morpork, of course. Patrician thought it up.'

‘Really? Sounds like Vetinari right enough,' said the mayor. He rubbed his chin. ‘Did you say two hundred and fifty dollars in Sto Lat? Really? And that place is hardly any size.'