Spank: The Improbable Adventures of George Aloysius Brown (31 page)

"
We did, and you know what, demand from the members is huge. There
'
s already a waiting list a mile long. The Rather Reverend
Marvin Bottomly of the Church of Eternal Longing in Gillingham, you know, the nerdy one,
offered me the entire contents of last Sunday
'
s collection if I would move his name to the top of the list.
"

"
He didn
'
t?
"
said Connie.

"
He did,
"
said Solace.

"
And did you?
"

"
I don
'
t think two quid is going to do it.
"

This got them going again, George too, although inwardly he shivered at the memory of the dungeon.

He felt a tap on his shoulder.

"
Excuse us for interrupting,
"
came a voice from the adjacent table.
"
We couldn
'
t help overhearing. Exactly what sort of equipment are we talking about here?
"

That was a conversation stopper, but Connie was the first to react.

"
You
'
ve probably got one at home, dear,
"
she said, sweetly.
"
It
'
s sort of like a vacuum cleaner, only instead of
...
Ouch! Sol, what are you doing?
"

"
Too much information,
"
admonished Solace who had kicked her friend under the table.

"
Ladies, Ladies,
"
said George.
"
Can we get back to business, please?
Not you, madam, if you don
'
t mind, this is a private meeting.
"

"
Disgusting is what it is, if you ask me.
"
The ladies snorted derisively and turned their attention back to their sherry.

"
Anyway, in my book,
"
continued George, and he explained to them the whole concept, how Doctor Whom would roam through time and space having sexual encounters with famous women in history.

"
Mmm…
Could work,
"
said Joanne.
"
I can definitely see the possibilities. Who
'
s on the list of suitors?
"

"
Catherine de Medici, Cleopatra, Wallis Simpson
...

"
Wallis Simpson!
"
said Solace, incredulously.
"
The former Duchess of Windsor? I don
'
t think that would go down to well at Buck House. Edward V111 gave up the throne to marry her didn
'
t he? The sex must have been fantastic.
"

"
He did,
"
confirmed George.
"
But what she probably didn
'
t tell him was that she learned at least some of what she knew about pleasuring men in a brothel in
Beijing
.
"

Golly. The woman looked at each other and at George with new respect. This could be more interesting than they thought.

"
We
'
ll come back to that,
"
said Joanne.
"
Who else is on the list?
"

"
Josephine, I
'
m dying to find out if what they say about Napoleon is true.
"

"
And what might that be?
"
Connie asked.

George lowered his voice to a whisper.
"
That the Emperor gave her strict instructions
not to wash her privates for at least a week before he was due to return from battle.
"

"
That
'
s probably true, at least there
'
s a lot of anecdotal evidence to support it,
"
said Joanne.
"
Although I doubt if he was hungry for muffin after the duffin
'
he got at
Waterloo
.
"

They all laughed.

"
Good one, Joanne,
"
said Solace.
"
No muffin, no nuffin.
"

"
Who else?
"

"
Boadicea, Linda Lovelace…
"

"
Uh, uh, said Joanne.
"
She
'
s still very much alive. The others are okay, you can
'
t libel the dead, or at least I don
'
t think you can.
In any event I can help with your research if you give me the list. You
'
ll have to be absolutely sure of historical facts if your novel is going to have any credibility.
"

"
Know what interests me, said Connie?
"
Did the early humans breed with the apes, I
'
m talking millions of years ago. I saw it on the telly last night that we all have Neanderthal DNA in us.
Do you think your Doctor Whom, whatever, could come up with the answer to that?

"
Maybe. I
'
ll put Lucy on the list,
"
George said
"
Who was Lucy?
"
said Solace and Connie in tandem.

"
The world's most famous early human ancestor,
"
said Joanne.
"
Her skeletal remains were found in
Ethiopia
. Paleontologists estimate she lived 3.2 million years ago. What got everyone excited is that she had both ape and human characteristics. She was only three and a half feet tall and had long dangling arms, but her pelvic, spine, foot, and leg bones were all suited to walking upright.
"

"
Are they sure she was an adult?
"
We have to be careful here,
"
said Connie.
"
Apparently the Queen is already not amused.
"

"
Yes, a number of factors point to Lucy being fully grown,
"
Joanne replied.
"
For one thing, her wisdom teeth were very humanlike and were well used like ours are and the sections of her skull—separated in children—had grown together.
"

George could see the potential, primeval Africa, dinosaurs on the dusty plains of
Ethiopia
, a hominin in heat, a chance encounter with Dr. Whom. It could work. Evidence that
homosapiens
had mated with apes and changed the course of evolution.
Good one.

"
How are you going to handle the chapter on Catherine de Medici?
"
Joanne asked. I know I told you that she was notorious for personally spanking the ladies of her court, but we don
'
t really know much more than that. There are no actual details that I know of.
"

"
There is now,
"
said George.
"
That
'
s the beauty of writing fiction. The Doctor will be there when she does it. He
'
ll tell us exactly what went on.
"

"
Have you written any of this yet?
"
They all wanted to know that. George had anticipated this question.

"
The Medici chapter is partially written,
"
he told them,
"
but I won
'
t have anything to show you until the first draft is complete.
"

Fair enough, they agreed.
"
Yes, but at least give us a hint,
"
said Connie.
"
For example, does the Doctor find out whether it is true or not that Catherine de Medici put her ladies in waiting over her knee?
"

"
He does – and she did.
"

But the committee wasn
'
t quite ready to buy it.
"
But how could he possibly have found out?
"
Joanne protested.
"
He couldn
'
t exactly show up at the French court and watch what went on, whatever clever disguise he adopted.
"

"
It was simpler than that.
"
George drained his beer.
"
He couldn
'
t wait to tell them.
"
Remember the famous banquet in 1577?
"

"
Of course, there are several documented references. Did you find out any more?
"

"
I did.
"

"
And?
"

"
The Doctor was there. He saw everything. He was a fly on the wall.
"

They all looked at each other.
"
I think that
'
s brilliant,
"
said Connie.
"
Who hasn
'
t wanted to be a fly on the wall?
In fact, I think
Fly
On
The
Wall
would make a perfect title for your book.
'
A new blockbuster novel by George Aloysius Brown, history like you
'
ve never imagined it before.
'
"

George nodded happily.
Not bad, he thought.

"
Thank you, ladies,
"
he said.
"
I think we can conclude on that positive note. I
'
m starving. Is anyone else hungry?
"

How sweet the joy that time surrenders

To lovers warmed by passion
'
s embers:
How deep the sorrow when love unravels

And stills the beating wings of angels

From
Afternoon on
Bourke St
.
by CM Jones
I have been dating a guy I met on
Bondi
Beach
. I literally bumped into him while he was training with his lifeguard team, inadvertently stepping into his path as he raced towards the surf. The collision knocked me flying although I was more embarrassed than hurt. I had sand everywhere, in my bikini, under my nails, in my hair. He helped me to my feet and used a corner of his towel dampened with bottled water to get the sand out of my eyes At least now I can see. What I saw was, well, your poster-boy Australian lifeguard, tall, tanned, late-twenties, with long blonde hair, just your typical Bondi boy toy.

Nice one, Catherine, I am thinking. This one could be a keeper.

"
You okay?
"
he asked me.

"
Sorry, it was my fault,
"
I said.
"
Obviously, I wasn't looking where I was going.
"

"
No worries, happens all the time.
"

"
Really?
"

"
No, you're the first.
"

I laughed.
"
Somebody had to be.
"

He grinned showing me a perfect set of teeth. God, Is this boy for real or what?

"
Look, I'm done here in 20 minutes. If you're not rushing off I'll buy you a drink. It's the least I can do. Ever been to the RSL? Best view in town.
"
He pointed to a prominent two story building just behind the promenade at the north end of the beach. There was what looked like an upmarket restaurant on the ground floor and above it there was a balcony where people clustered under the shade of sun umbrellas watching the surf pound in along a kilometer of golden sand.