Sparkle: The Queerest Book You'll Ever Love (19 page)

“Here ya go, Sweetie. A nice, big cup of joe for the newly freed.”

Sparkle eagerly grabbed the cup and took a swig. “To Freedom,” he toasted, and we joined in, all our mugs held up high.

But our freedom was short-lived, for just as soon as our cups hit the table, the three of us were joined by a fourth.

“Well, well, well, just the two men I was looking for. And, Sharon, always a delight to see you.” It was Kiki. And just as soon as I spotted him coming through the door, I remembered what he’d said the night before. It had something to do with returning the favor. (Fuck.)

“And to what do we owe this pleasant visit? Aren’t there hairs to be clipped and necks to be shaved?” It was Sparkle, who was clearly no fan of Kiki.

That, of course went both ways. “On my way to work now. You remember work don’t you? Oh, no, I suppose not.”Yup, Kiki was no fan of Sparkle, either. Still, underneath it all, I suspected that they enjoyed the shared cattiness. “But before I open up shop,” he continued, “I wanted to poke my head in and ask something of our friend, Bruce, here. Luckily,
you
are here as well. I trust you survived your little ordeal last night?”

“Yes, thank you and your husband for coming down and bailing me out. It was much appreciated.” Sparkle raised his mug in a toast, but I could tell it was forced conviviality. Sparkle simply hated to be indebted to anyone, especially someone he didn’t particularly care for. Which was pretty much everyone outside of his little circle and Cher.

“What are friends for?” Kiki responded.

“Indeed.” Sparkle knew something was up, but he was playing the game out.

“Well, that brings me to my little request. In case you were unaware, Larry and I belong to a gay softball league…”

“My goodness,” Sparkle interrupted, “I had no idea you all were athletic. I thought you were looking bigger these days. I figured it was just too much red meat in your diet. Now I know better. Softball? My goodness gracious.” I was grinning despite myself. Honestly, this was the first I’d ever heard about any gay softball league. I couldn’t imagine those two suited up and on a playing field, not unless there was a bar just off of first base.

“Yes,” Kiki continued, “well, anyway, we joined last year in an effort to be less… stationary. Larry played some in college, so he suggested the league. Granted, I was a wee bit hesitant at first…”

“Not wanting to ruin your shearing hand and all.” Sparkle was on a roll and rapidly gaining bitch points. I could tell that Kiki was remaining civil just long enough to get his request on the table.

“So to speak, yes. But, once I got involved, it was really quite fun. It didn’t take too long for the two of us to play with a modicum of talent, and now we are, if you’ll pardon the expression, in the swing of things.” (Groan from Sparkle.)

“Well, good for you,” piped in Sharon. (Yes, softball + dyke = heaven. Bisexuals included.)

“And the reason for this unexpected and simply delightful visit?” Sparkle asked, with as much sarcasm as he could muster at such an early hour.

“That would be,” Kiki continued, looking at us nervously, “to help the team out with some fundraising. There’s a northwestern, gay softball tournament in Seattle in two months, and we need to raise the money to get us all there. Unfortunately, since most of the players are doctors, lawyers, and other assorted professionals, there are only a few of us that can spare the extra hours needed to raise the money.”

“And since I’m practically awash in spare time,” inferred Sparkle, “and our dear friend, Secret, here has his evenings free (meaning I never have any dates, which really sucks), you figured we were available to come to your aide.”

“For the most part, yes. However, I think you’ll both enjoy the particular fundraising project we have in mind; it promises to be quite the event.” Kiki put on a cheerful expression, but I had a feeling it was all for show.

“Now, let’s see,” Sparkle began guessing, “could it be, um, an all-nude carwash? That could be fun, except, well, cold water does make one’s genitals shrink just a bit. And it would have to be during the day, when Secret wouldn’t be able to participate, so I guess it’s a nix on that. Perhaps keep that as a contingency plan, ‘kay? How about, let’s see, oh I know, you’d like us to go door-to-door peddling assorted candies. Hey now, I think that could be fun, especially in The Castro. One is bound to meet a nice array of eligible bachelors with that plan. Of course, the ones that would actually buy the candies might be, well, a little on the chunky side, no offense Kiki; so maybe that wouldn’t be as enjoyable in practice as it appears to be on paper. Hmm… what else? Wait, I think I have it! (Kiki was arms akimbo and tapping his foot by then. He really must’ve needed our help to be taking Sparkle’s abuse for so long.) It’s a Jell-O wrestling fundraiser? I’m right, aren’t I, Kiki? I can tell by your delighted expression that I’m right. (Kiki was sneering, actually.) Well, as good an idea as that is, I have to tell you that Jell-O isn’t exactly my medium of choice. Pudding maybe, mud definitely, but not Jell-O. You know, it’s made out of horse hooves and pig snouts, and I’m a strict vegetarian. (He ate meat almost everyday of his life.) So, sorry, I think we’ll have to pass on that plan, too. Well, I guess I’m fresh out of ideas, so please, Dearie, what, pray tell, do you have in mind for us?”

Kiki stopped tapping his foot, dropped his arms to his side, paused a second to gain some confidence, and said with conviction, “A drag show emceed by one or both of you. You’d be the stars!”

The three of sat there staring at him, mouths agape. Personally, I was waiting for him to say it was all a joke.
Gotcha
! But nothing, he just stood there staring back at us and waited for one of us to speak up. I did the honors. “No fucking way in the world am I going to get up on stage in a dress and make a complete jackass out of myself just so that you can go play in some softball tournament in Seattle. No way, no how, not a chance. I think I like the door-to-door thing better. At least that way there’s something in it for me: sex, candy, or, if there’s a God in heaven, both. Sorry, Kiki, thanks for busting Sparkle out of the slammer, but nuh uh.” I folded my arms in an
I’m serious about this
way and hoped that Kiki would understand.

But before he could make any objections to, what I thought was my final decision on the topic, Sparkle spoke up and said, “We’ll do it. Just name the place and time and we’ll be there with bells on, or possibly boas… or both, depending on our outfits.”

“You will?!” the three of us shouted at him in amazement.

“Delighted to repay the favor to our dear friend here. Now off to work with you; we have a show to plan.” I was completely shocked, or I certainly would’ve argued. Kiki, realizing that he’d gotten what he’d came for, quickly thanked us and hurried (if memory serves, I think he ran) out the door and yelled back that he’d fill us in on the details later.

I stared at my friend in stunned dismay. “What in the world has come over you? Did they knock you around your head in that jail last night? Do you realize what you just agreed to do? Plus, and this is a great big plus, as far as I know, neither one of us has ever done drag before. And, except for a brief role in my summer camp’s version of
The Sound of Music,
when I was eight, I’ve never been on a stage before. Hello, Earth to Sparkle, what the fuck were you thinking?”

Sparkle sat there for a moment to collect his thoughts before he answered. Then, as calmly as he could, he said, “Okay, I realize that we have no experience as drag queens, that neither of us has any stage experience, and that I don’t even particularly like your friend, Kiki, but I woke up this morning and made a solemn oath to myself that I would take on more adventures in my life before I was too old to enjoy them. I think we should look on this as a blessing. God put me in jail so I could help others.” And then he rested his hands on the table and sat back in his chair, cool as a cucumber and looking rather Buddha-esque.

I was not so relaxed. “What?! Are you insane? God didn’t put you in jail; the police did. And the schmucks that you’ll be helping are a bunch of Mary’s that are too lazy to raise money that they probably already have but are too cheap to spend, just so they can fly up to Seattle and toss a ball around. And knowing Kiki as I do, throw it badly. Now is not the time for you to all of a sudden become Saint Sparkle just because you spent a few hours behind bars.” This time I meant business. There was no way I was going to go through with it. No fucking way.

“Are you going to tell him that we’re not going to help?” Sparkle asked.

“No, you got us into this mess and you’re going to get us out,” I answered.

“Nope. I said it and I meant it. If you don’t want to help out your friends, then that’s your problem, but you’re gonna be the one to tell them, not me.” Damn, I couldn’t believe that after all this time Sparkle was the good guy and I was the bad one. Fucker.

“Fine!” I harrumphed and went off to help a customer who had walked in a few minutes earlier.

“Fine!” Sparkle shouted back to me and got up from his chair and walked out of the shop.

“Well,” added Sharon, who had remained silent throughout, “working here should be interesting.” And then she cleared and cleaned the table. Needless to say, none of us had any idea just how interesting it was going to get.

***

The next morning, I arrived at work in a truly foul mood. I didn’t have the heart (nerve) to call Kiki and Larry the night before to tell them that Sparkle had jumped the gun and that, though we really would love to help out, we just couldn’t, what with all the many and various things going on in our lives. It sounded like a crock of shit, even to me, but it was the best I could come up with at the spur of the moment. The truth may have worked, but, as you’ve seen, it wasn’t my usual modus operandi.

As it turned out, time had run out either way because, for a second day in a row, Kiki came barreling into the store with more surprises in hand. This time he was noticeably more excited, and I knew right away that I was in trouble.

“Well, Secret,” he began, “the team had a practice game last night and Larry and I told them how Seattle was a fete accompli, as we now have our star performers lined up and…”

“But I…” I tried to interrupt.

No good, he continued on through. “… that, between Sparkle’s good looks and large circle of friends and your, well your, um,
energy
and all (gee, that made me feel great), the night would most certainly be an enormous success. So, just a quick FYI before I get going to work, the show is three weeks from this Sunday at The Stud and starts at nine sharp. I’ll touch bases with you sometime before then, but basically do whatever you want up there. (He was starting to move toward the door now and was talking a mile a minute.) There will be four other performers, all from the team. You’ll have bios and stuff beforehand, so you’ll be able to prepare some appropriate shtick in between acts. (Now he was at the door.) Call me if you need anything.”

“But we…” I tried, really I did, but he was way too fast for me.

“Ta for now, Sweetie, and thanks for everything. Tell Sparkle thanks as well.” And he was out the door and running down the sidewalk before I could say or do anything more.

I moaned to myself. “But we can’t do it. Sorry, but we’re just too busy.” It was a lost cause; Kiki was well out of earshot by then.

“Too late, Bruce,” said Sharon, draping an arm around my shoulder. “It looks like you’re going on, after all. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, at least Sparkle will be right up there with you.”

“Big whoop,” I grumbled.

And then who should walk in but Miss Freedom Lover herself. “Hey, was that Kiki I saw running down the sidewalk?” he asked.

“Yes, you lousy fuck fucker.” Sadly, calling him names didn’t make me feel any better.

“So I take it you told him that we weren’t going to do it and he was running away in a mad rage?” he guessed, as way wrong as he could be.

“You know,” I began, “I think I liked it better when you slept in late and my life had a semblance of normalcy. One night in jail, and suddenly I’m a performance artist. Damn.”

“Drag queen, Honey, and I take it that means you didn’t tell him and we’re about to be starlets.” He was positively beaming at the revelation. I was just pissed and walked away.

“Exactly,” Sharon told him, “but I think Bruce is less than enthusiastic at the prospect.”

“Just you wait, Stryker, our friend is going to be a huge star,” I overheard him say, but if I managed to get through it all without having a nervous breakdown, then I would consider the night a resounding success.

In any case, it was three weeks away. Maybe it would be cancelled. Maybe the whole tournament would be postponed until the following year. Maybe Seattle would sink into the ocean. Maybe…

“Hi, Bruce. Hi, William.” It was Mister Horowitz entering the store with a wave and an adorable smile. (Classics II was becoming Grand Central Station all of a sudden.) “Kiki said that if I couldn’t find you at home that you’d probably be here. Guess he was right.” He was talking to Sparkle, but he was giving me that
come hither
look. (I returned it with a
come yon
leer.) He sat down with Sparkle, while I rushed to get him a coffee and a scone, on the house, naturally.

“Well, my friend,” he said, patting Sparkle on the back, “your court case has been set for two weeks from today. I have a friend (wink, wink) that got it pushed way early for you. We’ll be in and out of there right quick. Unless you go off on a rampage before then (no, no foreshadowing; he behaved himself for a change), then you should be off with a slap on the wrist and some hours of community service.”

“Can we push for a slap on the ass and call it a day?” Sparkle deadpanned.

“Sorry, no can do. Just no more shenanigans until then, okay?” No small request for Sparkle, but he nodded his ascent and gave a solute for good measure.

“But that’s only one of the reasons I came down here to see you both this fine morning,” he said with a grin. “The other is to thank you guys for volunteering to help us out with the fundraiser. The whole team is looking forward to it.”