Spectacularly Broken (16 page)

Problem was, I very much cared about what
Cai
thought.

“What?” Cai asked. He was studying me across the table. “You don’t agree with the way I see it?”

“I dunno,” I muttered, mostly to buy time. I could feel the heat rising into my cheeks, making it impossible for me to keep looking at Cai. I stared at my hands instead.

He stated the increasingly obvious: “You’re upset.”

“You ever think he blames himself for his mother’s death?” The question just burst out of me.

“Um, no,” Cai said simply. “That’d be a pretty stupid thing for him to do. It’s not like he choked her to death with his umbilical cord. It was a hemorrhage.”

I knew that perfectly well, thank you very much.

“Still, though,” I said nervously. My hands continued to be utterly fascinating.

“Did he actually say something about that to you?” Cai sounded thoughtful. “I dunno, I guess I never thought about it that way. It should still be freaking obvious that it wasn’t his fault she died. Otherwise Joel Shepherd should be the one blaming himself, since he knocked her up in the first place.”

Yeah, I’d been told that before. I knew all the logical arguments that exonerated me. None had ever been of any real help.

“Look, I didn’t mean to upset you, Haze.” Cai reached across the table and lifted my chin with two fingers. “I don’t think you’re in any way, shape, or form like your cousin, okay? This doesn’t change anything between us.”

Shit. Shit shit shit.

What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

God, if—when—Cai found out the truth, he’d be ready to rip my guts out with his bare hands.

Shit.

No, no, no,
if
. Definitely
if
. There was a good chance Cai would never know just how much I’d been lying to him.

Right?

I felt sick. I was so very, very, very screwed.

* * * *

“I didn’t mean to,” Nicky whispered. “It was an accident. I really didn’t mean to.”

He was pale and sweating and looked about a second away from lying down in the grass in fetal position. Cai and I had accompanied him to a remote spot in the garden, and now all Nicky had to do was vocalize whatever was bothering him so much.

“You didn’t mean to do what?” Cai asked. He kept his voice very warm and even and calm, which I’m sure was exactly what Nicky needed.

“I was supposed to wait for Margaret, but I went in. I went into the office. And the file was just…it was
open
on her desk.” Nicky twisted his hands together. “I looked. I was bored. I didn’t even realize what I was reading at first.”

I was still a little lost but tried to lend as much silent support as I could. Cai, however, looked pained and closed his eyes. “Whose file was it?”

“Lexa’s.” Nicky’s voice shook.

I felt the wind on my skin while we sat there, silent. Waiting.

“It said sexual abuse,” Nicky whispered and squeezed his eyes shut.

I turned my eyes to the lake, feeling frozen.

“Shit,” Cai said tonelessly.

“It said her uncle… And she was…she was, like, ten.” Nicky buried his face in his hands. “What the hell do I
do?
I mean, I can’t just… Am I supposed to pretend I never read that? What the hell do I do, Cai?”

“You have to.” Despite his disturbed expression, Cai put his arm around Nicky and pulled him close. They sat like this for a while before he continued. “I know you want to be honest, and that’s commendable, Nicky; it really is. But Lexa isn’t ready for us to know. She might never be. Telling her we know could really hurt her. I think it’s very possible she’d feel betrayed. And that’s the last thing we want.” Cai shook his head. “That’s the last thing she needs. We’re her friends, Nicky. She feels comfortable around us, and if you tell her, she might not anymore. She might stop talking again.”

Nicky didn’t move. He was still hiding his face.

“Do you understand that?” Cai asked gently.

Nicky nodded.

“And all we can do is be extra careful not to upset her. Now we know what topics to avoid. So just be sensitive, you know?”

Another nod. I reached for Cai’s hand and grasped it silently. I was glad he knew what to say, because I had no idea. Not one.

“It’s okay, Nicky. You didn’t hurt her. Just learn from it and try not to read anyone else’s file, okay?”

“Okay.” Nicky sounded meek, but there was also a bit of relief in his voice. Maybe sharing had helped unburden his conscience a little, like Cai and I had hoped it would.

Chapter Seventeen

“Do they hurt?” I asked when Cai winced and rubbed his bare shoulder. It was the first time he’d let me see him like this, with the lights on, scars on display.

“Yeah, sometimes.” His fingertips brushed over the damaged tissue of his upper arm. “Mostly they pull. I’m still supposed to put vitamin E stuff on it, but I don’t.”

It was difficult to keep from asking something, anything, about what had happened. The temptation was huge, but I’d promised him I wouldn’t, and I was keeping that promise. Even if it killed me.

“You got scars anywhere?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I touched the back of my head. “There’s a small one here somewhere. I smacked my head on the pool edge.”

“You have a pool?” he asked, surprised.

“I was at a friend’s,” I lied. “I bled a lot, and I threw up—I think I had a concussion. I was so terrified I was going to die.”

My mood soured a little when I remembered how that particular incident had ended. I caught Cai’s questioning gaze and sighed.

“My friend’s, um, babysitter, Sheri, took me to the emergency room. She kept telling me I’d be fine, but I didn’t believe her. I wanted to hear it from my dad. I was completely hysterical when they stitched me up.”

Cai pulled a face. “That sucks. Why didn’t she just call your dad, then?”

“She did.” I tried to look like I wasn’t bothered, but I was pretty sure the bitterness shone through anyway. “He decided I was exaggerating and that he was too busy with work, so Sheri could handle it. I didn’t even hear from him until two days later.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but your dad sounds like a douche,” Cai said.

“You have no idea.” I threw myself on the bed and motioned for him to join me. But instead, he turned his back to me and stared out the window into the rapidly darkening sky. His hand was once again resting on his damaged shoulder.

“Cai?” I asked.

He exhaled shakily. His free hand came up to touch the glass, only the tips of his fingers at first. They too were shaking.

“Cai?” I asked again.

“I think…I want to tell you.” His voice was raw. “If you want.”

I was stunned. I’d resigned myself to the idea that whatever his secret, it was something Cai wanted to keep buried.

“Really?” I asked in a very small voice.

He nodded. He was still facing the window, so I couldn’t make out his expression at all. Maybe it was easier for him to tell me if he didn’t have to look at me.

I took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be easy to hear; I knew that much.

“Okay,” I near-whispered. “Whenever you’re ready.”

He nodded again, and we sat in silence for a while. I knotted my fingers together in my lap, feeling nervous. Feeling unprepared.

Eventually he talked. “Remember the picture you saw?”

“The one in the book?”

He nodded and went to the closet, where he had stashed the book after he had gotten upset at me for looking at it. He flipped open the thick volume and pulled out the photograph. And then he stared at it, and I thought he was about one breath away from a breakdown. His expression was pure agony. He was biting his trembling lip so hard I expected him to draw blood.

“I don’t understand.” I stepped a little closer, but something told me not to invade his personal space right now.

Cai flipped to the end of the book and pulled out another, smaller picture I hadn’t noticed. He held it out without looking at me, and when I took it, I finally understood.

“You have a twin.”

“Had.” His voice broke, the single word crushing him. “
Had
.”

“Oh God, Cai,” I whispered.

He held out the other picture that I’d thought showed him. “That’s Cassiel. He was…everything. We were so close. Even for twins, we were close.”

I waited.

“It was stupid. So damn stupid. We’d been out, and I was tired, and I didn’t want to drive. He’d been drinking. I thought he was still okay. He ran a red light.”

I closed my eyes and braced for what was coming next.

“They told me he died on impact. I don’t remember it, any of it, but as soon as I woke up in the hospital, I knew he was gone.” Cai took several shaky breaths before continuing. “And God, I wish I was too. I wish I was too, Haze. I’m not whole without him.”

I stepped forward carefully.

“I miss him,” Cai whispered. “So much. So very much.”

There were quiet tears running down his cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away. He just looked down and touched the picture of his brother reverently.

“I don’t know what to say,” I told him quietly.

“Nobody does.” His voice was hollow.

I stepped next to him, close. Our shoulders brushed as I looked at the picture he was still staring at. I wanted to fix it, help him, make everything better, hell,
something
. And I couldn’t. Nobody could. I’d never felt so impotent in my entire life.

I put my arm around Cai. He leaned into me hesitantly. Together we studied the picture of his brother.

“We weren’t big drinkers, you know,” Cai said suddenly. “Neither of us. We were…we were pretty good kids. We were at a friend’s birthday party, and things got a little crazier than usual. I lost track of him for a little while, so I didn’t know how much he’d had, but he said he was fine. It wasn’t a lot. Really wasn’t. It was just enough to miss that fucking light.”

My other arm went around his neck, and I held him close. He clung to me tightly.

We stood like this, swaying back and forth a little for comfort. Mourning. Lost. Helpless. Cai was no longer crying, but his strength seemed to have deserted him. He leaned heavily on me. Eventually I maneuvered the pair of us to the bed and lay down with him, still pressed closely together, Cai still in my arms.

We breathed. We lay there, and we did nothing but breathe.

“Cass and I did this a lot,” he whispered.

“What? Cuddle?”

“Yeah. We were really physical with each other. People always thought it was weird that we’d sit close together and hold hands and stuff, but it worked for us. We never liked being separated.”

I squeezed him tightly. He did it right back.

“It doesn’t feel the same with you, but it’s still really nice,” he continued. “It…helps. With the emptiness.”

“I’m glad.”

“That’s why the painkiller addiction happened.” The words flowed out of him now that the dam had broken. “I didn’t just break bones and bleed a ton—I nearly burned to death. They said it was probably the transmission fluid that spilled and caught a spark, and…” He tensed. “I suppose I should be glad that our fire department has such a damn fast response time. I was in the hospital for a long time, and afterwards I took the meds because I
was
still in pain, but they also made me feel numb. Inside, I mean. And then it was the only way I could get through the day. For a long time, the only things that kept me going were the pills and knowing how afraid my parents were to lose their other son.”

I lifted my hand and carded my fingers through his hair. “Is it okay if I ask you some questions about him?”

“Right now, yes, it’s fine. I’m all torn open already. I’m thinking back, and I’ve done the crying part too. You can’t make it much worse, you know? It just sucks to get a reminder I’m not prepared for when I’m trying to function.”

“I think I understand that, yeah,” I said thoughtfully. “How long ago did it happen?”

“It’s been nearly two years. Well, a year and eight months. We were sixteen.”

“Which one of you was the older one?”

“Me, by about an hour.” Cai chuckled sadly. “Why are you asking that?”

I wasn’t sure, actually. “I think I’m just trying to get an idea of what you two were like,” I told him eventually.

“Well, don’t go by what I’m like now. I was a completely different person before.” Cai breathed deeply, clenching my shirt with both hands. “Damn it, Haze, I told you I was broken. And you didn’t fucking listen.”

“I listened.” I ran my hand down his bare back, touching smooth skin and rough scar tissue alike.

“Then why the hell are you still here?”

“You’d rather have me walk away from you?”

“That’d probably be better.”

“For you or for me?”

“For you, Haze. I’ll weigh you down like an anchor. And you really don’t need that on top of everything else you’re dealing with.”

“You let me worry about what I need.”

“I just mean—”

“Hush, Cai.” I put my hand over his mouth. “Answer this—being with me helps you, even maybe just a little bit. Yes or no?”

He turned his head to rid himself of my hand. “Haze—”

“Yes or no?”

“Yes, damn it, of course it helps. But you’re not gonna fix me. Don’t you get that? Not even close. I’ll always be broken, and I’ll always be a burden. Always. To anyone.”

I pulled him in tight again and replied in the only way I could. “I don’t care.”

“Haze, you need to—”

“I. Don’t. Care. I don’t care, Cai. If you need me, you got me.” I shifted so I could look into his eyes. They were dark and liquid and had a strange shine to them.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I don’t understand why you would do that, but thank you.”

Chapter Eighteen

Angie and the rest of green group had the good sense not to comment on the fact that Cai and I took to holding hands in our group meetings, if we weren’t just outright cuddling. Now that I knew the physical closeness meant a lot to him, I was stuck to him like glue, and he seemed happy enough about it.

Not that it was much of a sacrifice on my part. His presence made my skin buzz in the most pleasant way, and I felt light-headed and goofy in his arms. It was as close to perfect as things could get while I was still living a complete and utter lie.