Spring Tide (30 page)

She noticed the moon on the eastern horizon, poking through
the bluish branches of an oak tree. It was a half moon. No spring tide tonight. She was reminded of her conversation with Jackie that other night, the last time she was here. To catch fish, it had to be both the right time and the right place. Like most things, timing was everything. Like S.B. + J.T. Maybe it was the right place, but it wasn’t the right time. Not for Stef. A broken heart isn’t much to offer someone, especially not someone so full of love as Jackie.

She reached down with the stick and rubbed across her design until it was completely gone.

***

It was Deuce barking that alerted Stef to the vehicle coming up the driveway. She looked out the window and recognized Jackie’s pickup. She was both happy and sad to see her.

As she opened the sliding glass door, Jackie got out of her truck, carrying something under her arm, and walked rapidly over to the bottom of the stairs where Stef greeted her with a hug.

“Hi,” Jackie said, smiling with her usual unabashed cheerfulness. “What are you up to?”

“Just cleaning up the dinner dishes,” Stef replied. “I didn’t know you were coming out.”

“No, it wasn’t planned, but I have something for you and this weekend will be totally taken over by the crawdad festival, so I wanted to drop it by tonight.”

“Oh, right, the crawdad festival. The whole town’s getting ready for that.”

“Sure. It’s our big event. I hope you’ll come.”

“I might. What’d you bring me?”

Jackie presented her with a hinged wooden box, which she opened to reveal a Fairbairn-Sykes combat knife just like her grandfather’s, cradled in a purple velvet lining. The blade gleamed in the sunlight like it was brand new. Astonished, she looked up to see Jackie smiling triumphantly at her.

“Where did you get this?” Stef asked, lifting the knife from the box.

“eBay. I know it’s not the same as one that belonged to a relative.”

“No, it’s great. I can’t believe you did this.” Stef felt overwhelmed. She took a deep breath and set the knife back in the box. “Thank you. It’s wonderful.”

Jackie looked satisfied. Stef hated so much what she was about to say, and the gift made it that much harder.

“Did you get the name painted on?” Jackie asked, running to the rear of the boat to look.

Stef followed and the two of them stood admiring the blue lettering in its swirly script that spelled out the word
Mudbug
.

“It’s perfect!” Jackie declared. “Now it’s really yours, isn’t it?”

“Mine and in working condition.” Stef had a hard time looking Jackie in the eye as she said, “Jackie, I know we talked earlier about how I didn’t have to leave until the end of July.”

Jackie’s smile faded as she read Stef’s tone and face.

“But I’ve decided to go sooner, now that there’s nothing to prevent it.”

Jackie’s mouth fell open. “But what about the carpet and curtains and all that stuff you wanted to replace?”

“None of that’s going to stop me from cruising down the river. I can do those things anytime.”

“I don’t understand. Are you going to get a slip at the marina?”

Stef gazed into Jackie’s eyes, seeing all the pain that was about to erupt. “No, Jackie,” she answered gently. “There’s no point paying for a slip when I’m going to be living on the boat. I can just drop anchor anyplace out there. I’ll be moving around. That was always the plan.”

“I know that’s what you said before, but I thought maybe…”

Stef touched Jackie’s cheek, lightly stroking. “My plans haven’t changed.”

“But there’s no reason you can’t stay a little longer.”

Stef shook her head, struggling with her resolve. She pulled Jackie close and kissed her impulsively. Her lips were so eager and so exciting. She was afraid that if Jackie kept asking her to stay, she would.

Pulling back, Stef said, “Thank you for everything. You’re a very special person, and I’m so grateful to have known you.”

“You’re saying goodbye to me?” Jackie looked utterly shocked.

“I wish I could spend more time with you. I really do.”

“You can, Stef. There’s nothing stopping you. Just stick around for a while. We can spend every day and every night together and figure this out. See if we might have a future together.”

Stef shook her head. “We don’t have a future together. And the more time we spend together, the harder it will be on you when I go. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I obviously am.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t explain. I just have to go.”

Jackie looked helpless. “Let me go with you!” she blurted.

Stef shook her head, recognizing this as a move of desperation.
“No. I need to be alone. Besides, that’s ridiculous.”

By her body language, Jackie seemed to reluctantly agree. “There must be some compromise,” she said quietly. “You could stop by on weekends or something.”

“If you get any more tangled up with me, I’d cause you nothing but grief. I know you don’t understand it, but you’re so much better off without me.”

Jackie looked confused and hurt. Any second she would start crying.

“Jackie, please just go and leave me alone. I’m really sorry.”

“Stef,” Jackie pleaded, her eyes moist, “I love you.”

Stef winced at the phrase. “How can you? You don’t even know me.”

“It’s true I don’t know much about you. But I know how I feel. I have to be with you.”

They stood facing each other for a few seconds without speaking. Stef didn’t know what to say. She had nothing to offer. No words of comfort.

“I guess,” Jackie said quietly, “you don’t feel that way about me.” She laughed with a tinge of bitterness. “If you did, you wouldn’t want to leave, obviously. If you felt even remotely like I do, you’d light a fire under this goddamned boat and say good riddance and you’d come home with me and never leave.” Jackie’s voice broke as she started to cry.

Stef put the box down on the deck and pulled Jackie into a tight embrace, stroking her hair. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could explain. I do care about you, Jackie, but I can’t live the life you imagine for us. I’ve been through some things I need to deal with…on my own. I can’t drag you into all that. I can’t drag any woman into that. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“Maybe I could help you,” Jackie sobbed, her head tucked under Stef’s chin.

“You’re always wanting to help me.” Stef smiled. “But this time you can’t.”

“Will you come back…when you’ve worked it all out?”

“I don’t know.” Stef lifted Jackie’s chin so they were looking at one another. “We need to say goodbye now. Go home and forget about me.”

“I won’t forget about you. Ever.”

Jackie’s cheeks glistened with her tears. Stef wiped one away and kissed the spot where it had been. Then she kissed Jackie’s mouth one more time, holding onto the kiss with the thought that she had never felt so much tenderness toward anyone before. She needed to get away as soon as she could, before she allowed herself to stay and ended up destroying the sweet, optimistic nature that made Jackie so appealing.

When Jackie left, she was no longer crying. Stef hoped she had already begun replacing her sorrow with resentment or anger or some other negative emotion that would allow her to quickly get over this hurt. What Jackie couldn’t know was that Stef too would have a really hard time getting over it.

Jackie sat on her couch with Tri-Tip in her lap, watching the evening news on TV, or trying to watch the news, but her mind kept wandering to Stef. It had been that way all day. She couldn’t focus on anything else. Even Niko had asked her what was wrong, thinking she was sick and should go home. Especially when his joke of the day failed to get more than an eye roll from her. “A duck, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a vet’s office and the vet says, ‘What is this? A joke?’”

When the doorbell rang, she picked up the cat and set him on the floor, then opened the door to a sight that made her stumble back in astonishment. On her porch stood a six foot tall figure in a bright red, plush costume that looked like a giant lobster, complete with antennae and huge pinchers waving menacingly like something out of an old B movie. As Jackie recovered herself, she noticed two human eyes looking out from holes in the lobster costume.

“Oh, hi, Gail,” she said without enthusiasm.

Gail came in and pulled off the head of the costume. “They sprang for a new costume this year. About time, huh? How do you like it?”

“Cool. But it looks like a lobster.”

“Once you get over a foot tall, what’s the difference, really? Besides, do you actually think there’s a crawdad costume to be had anywhere in the world?”

Jackie shrugged. “I guess not.”

“You don’t seem very chipper this evening.”

“Sorry. I’m sure you’ll be a big hit with all the kids.” Jackie fell back onto the couch.

Gail sat beside her, the red material of her costume bunching up around her. “I can see you’ve been crying. Your eyes are swollen. What’s wrong?”

Jackie sighed. “Stef.”

“I figured.” Gail nodded knowingly. “Did you have a fight or something?”

“No. We said goodbye. She’s leaving Stillwater. For good, I guess.”

“Sorry to hear that. Spit the hook and got away, huh.” Gail patted her knee with a big red claw. “Is she gone, then?”

“Not yet. I tried to talk her into staying, but I guess I didn’t make as big an impression on her as I thought.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t give up. Just because she slipped the hook once doesn’t mean she can’t be hooked. Just put on a fresh piece of bait and try again.”

Jackie forced a smile. “I don’t think there’s any point. She doesn’t want me. I’m not going to beg her. Actually, I did beg her and it didn’t do any good.”

“Then it’s probably for the best.”

“I just don’t understand her. I never have. From the day we met, she’s been pushing me away. If I was a little more insecure, I’d think she just doesn’t like me. But I can see in her eyes she does.”

“Not to mention her mouth and hands and—”

“Uh-huh, all that stuff. So why is she so anxious to get away and be by herself?”

“Scared of commitments,” suggested Gail. “Or just plain antisocial.”

Jackie turned to face Gail, whose head looked oddly small sticking out of her giant lobster costume.

“She likes to be alone,” Gail said. “There are people like that. Not everybody’s so comfortable around people as you are. It’s obvious you want to bring her home, marry her, have her kids and be buried side by side in the same cemetery plot. You probably scared her off with that whole scene.”

“I never said a word about kids…or marriage.”

“You know what I mean. Domestic bliss. She wants no part of that. She’s a hermit.” Gail laid the back of her hand across her forehead dramatically. “I vant to be alone.”

Greta Garbo in a lobster outfit, a very peculiar image.

Jackie smiled weakly. “She seems very sure of what she wants. And she doesn’t want me.”

“I knew she was bad news from the beginning. Didn’t I say so the first time we laid eyes on her? Stay away from that one, I said. She’s bad news.”

“No, you didn’t!”

“Well, I should have. Women like that—beautiful, sexy, hot—” Gail took a deep breath. “They’ll always break your heart. They think they’re all that. She’s full of herself. She can’t see that you’re the best thing that ever came her way.”

Jackie knew Gail was just trying to make her feel better, but it wasn’t working.

Gail gave her a hug, then stood. “Plenty of fish in the sea, Jacks. You’ll be better off with one who feels lucky to have you. The one that jumps in your boat, now, that’s the one you want to take home.”

Jackie frowned. She wasn’t in the mood for Gail’s fishy metaphors.