Sprout Mask Replica (37 page)
Read Sprout Mask Replica Online
Authors: Robert Rankin
I don’t
think I’d have walked out into the path of that dry-cleaning truck for a start
and I really would have dedicated my time to having a lot more sex.
But
what is done cannot be changed. Except of course, for plumbing.
‘Is that it, chief?’
‘I
think so, Barry, I can’t think of anything else to write.’
‘Not
too morbid this last bit, not a feel-bad ending?’
‘I don’t
think so. Just a bit of repentance and introspection to show that I’m really a
caring sort of fellow.’
‘That’s
nice, chief. So what shall we do now?’
I rose
from my desk, went over to the window and drew aside the greasy curtain. Sunlight
fell upon my ghostly features.
Golden
sunlight falling from a sky of the deepest blue. ‘Stuff it in here,’ I said. ‘Let’s
hit the beach.’
THE END
[1]
Pine legs! Ha ha ha…
[2]
The one he had worn whilst winning medals at The Battle of Maiwand,
where he was struck on the shoulder by a Jezail bullet.
[3]
Sir John Doveston being the famous local brewer, knighted by
the late King George for his services to brewing.
[4]
The poet Henry Read, except he couldn’t be there because he’s
dead.
[5]
Brother of Sid from the parable.
[6]
Well, no-one said anything about it being fast.
[7]
History does not disclose how the late Earl met his end, but
the fact that totters broke into his tomb and stole his body, lends a certain
credibility to all the fore-going.
[8]
He claimed direct decendance from the infamous Captain Leonard
‘Legless’ Lemon (of whom more later).
[9]
So this was probably the nineteen-sixties.
[10]
So I
must have been wrong about the nineteen-sixties!
[11]
Even the most sinned against are sometimes to be caught
sinning.
[12]
This is absolutely true. Check any map of the London
Underground, if you don’t believe me.
[13]
I didn’t really. But there were times when I wished I had.
[14]
Of course the list isn’t really endless. This is just a figure
of speech.
[15]
Actually, in this case, the list
is
endless.
[16]
For
my Carmen Miranda impersonations.
[17]
The boat of course.
[18]
Still the boat.
[19]
And trust me, friends, my opinion has never altered on this.
[20]
Satire
[21]
This is a lie, as will later be seen.
[22]
Great,
great grandson of the infamous pirate Captain Leonard ‘Legless’ Lemon.
[23]
Great, great grandson of the infamous cleric Victor ‘Vaseline’
Vez. (It’s a small world, isn’t it?)
[24]
That’s one top row on each wall. Ten TVs to a row. It’s hard
to explain really.
[25]
The Exorcist,
of course.
[26]
I know the term beggar is not considered politically correct,
but please bear with me on this.
[27]
A special thank-you to SPROUT LORE for that one.
[28]
I have a mother too.