Spud - Learning to Fly (26 page)

It’s like my first day at school all over again, except this time I don’t fear the unknown. If The Guv is right, and life is just a series of unrelated experiences, then this is definitely going to rank as one of the good ones.

Mom and Dad are playful again. Happiness is everywhere, except in my mind when I think of Mermaid. I carefully packed my suitcase and kitbag, and then sat on my bed and ran through my lines one final time. I stood up, closed the windows and drew my old lady curtains. I then left the tranquillity of my room for whatever it is that awaits me.

18:00 It was a bizarre experience standing around the school entrance neither in nor out. I could hear the usual bustling going on in the quad and the sound of trunks scraping on stone. Boggo set off to rile up the Normal Seven while Fatty made a beeline for the first year dormitory where he pilfered a jersey full of Plump Graham’s tuck. Rambo sat on the wall looking composed and snooty, while Vern struck matches happily on the lawn. Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me and I sneaked around the chapel entrance and into the flower garden where I had a clear view of the house door. Norman Whiteside was having a conversation with somebody inside while he leaned nonchalantly against the common room wall.

‘What do you mean I’m the only one?’ shouted a high-pitched insistent voice from inside the house. Our head of house mumbled something back to the hidden shouter, who clearly wasn’t impressed with his explanation.

‘Where’s Simon?’ demanded the loud unseen voice from inside the house.

Whiteside shrugged and then rebuked Rowdy, who was passing by, for having his shirt un-tucked. The first year cleaned himself up and then scurried into the house before Whiteside could begin a lecture.

‘So I’m sleeping alone,’ whined the unseen voice again. Whiteside sipped from his tea mug and didn’t reply. Then the loud voiced boy stepped out of the door and with huge saucer-like eyes begged, ‘Can’t Mad Dog come back, just for a term?’

Whiteside laughed loudly and didn’t reply.

But Garlic wasn’t giving up. ‘How can there be only one member of the Crazy Eight left?’ he demanded.

Norman Whiteside said that in his opinion one was one too many, and pushed past the desolate Garlic before disappearing into the house. Garlic stared out at Pissing Pete like he was contemplating suicide. He then took in a few deep gulps of air and seemed to completely zone out on the tower clock.

‘Don’t worry, pink face,’ snarled a low and miserable voice. ‘I’ll keep you company.’ Pike slid his arm around Garlic’s shoulder. Garlic stood stock-still like he was having a life and death stand-off with a poisonous snake.

Then Vern’s demented face leered in beside mine. Clearly the idiot thought I was spying on something interesting and craned his neck to see what I was looking at.

‘What you looking at?’ hissed Vern in a conspiratorial manner.

‘Garlic and Pike,’ I hissed back and pointed to where Pike was now strangling Garlic in a half nelson. Vern then said, ‘Garlic,’ and sniggered away to himself like it was the funniest thing ever.

‘You two boys!’ shouted an ominous voice from just behind us. It was Viking dressed in tight denim jeans and a leather jacket. ‘Milton? Blackadder?’ he said loudly when he recognised who we were. ‘What are you two boys doing in the rose garden at night?’

‘Just looking,’ replied Vern and then pointed straight at the chapel wall.

Viking’s eyes darted around in confusion.

‘Just looking for what, Blackadder?’ he demanded as he tried to remain on the offensive. Vern became embarrassed and looked directly at his toes. He then said, ‘Garlic!’ and squinted his eyes up towards Viking without shifting the angle of his head.

‘Garlic?’ boomed Viking in surprise.

‘Yes, sir, Garlic,’ said Vern.

There was a long pause before Viking let out a long sigh and said, ‘Very well. In the Hiace, on the double!’

The minibus was parked under a street lamp and I could see the silhouettes of Boggo, Fatty and Rambo arguing about who would ride up front with Viking.

Vern sped through the rosebushes and charged off towards the minibus like there might not be any space left. Viking watched him go and then shook his head and murmured, ‘Should be an interesting seven weeks, Milton.’

‘Yes, sir,’ I replied.

We walked towards the waiting minibus. Viking didn’t say anything further and seemed to be lost in thought. I didn’t know if I should say something to start up a conversation. After running through a list of conversation possibilities I felt like too much time had passed and starting a conversation would be a bit lame. In the end I remained silent and also pretended to be lost in deep and important thoughts.

Surprisingly, Boggo had won the battle for the front seat and he immediately signalled his intentions when he shouted, ‘Let’s hear it for the world’s greatest director!’ as Viking pulled open the driver’s side door. We all cheered and applauded and Viking looked thrilled. Rambo’s knee slammed into the back of Boggo’s seat. Luckily he was wearing a seatbelt because thanks to the power of Rambo’s knee and the thin Hiace seats, Boggo might well have been propelled through the windscreen.

‘Now listen up!’ shouted Viking as he swivelled angrily to glare at us. ‘I’ve already caught Blackadder and Milton in the rose bed. They claim to have been looking for garlic for some hitherto unexplained reason.’

Sniggers broke out from various places but Viking’s rage quickly silenced them.

‘Now look here, I’m not stupid. If you boys want to stuff around picking roses and romancing girls … I’ll have you sent home sooner than you can say … mark my words … if one of you sticks a foot out of line … so help me God … you little bastards!’

‘Yes, sir,’ we all murmured and looked elsewhere, desperately trying not to laugh at the director’s nonsensical threats.

‘Good!’ shouted Viking as the engine kicked to life. ‘Now, Mrs Owen will be taking care of you during your stay at Wrexham and she will report directly to me!’

We all nodded and said ‘Yes, sir’ again.

‘Who’s at the back?’

‘Me,’ came the smug voice of Smith.

‘Who’s me?’ roared Viking. ‘Godammit, boy, can’t you see I have a major Shakespearian production to mount spanning two schools and both sexes. You think I even have time to ask the question, WHO IS ME!’

Smith apologised profusely and identified himself twice. Viking ordered him to find his rifle case and open it. Geoff Lawson, sitting next to me, gasped in panic. Nobody wants to see a rifle in the hands of an unhinged theatre director. Thankfully it wasn’t his gun but his cane.

‘Pass it around,’ said Viking with a wicked grin. ‘I want everyone to feel its texture.’

We passed the cane around. It smelled of furniture polish. Back in my old Spudly days this tactic may well have terrified me, but a few years in the funny farm has dished up far worse than Viking’s stick. I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t terrified. Rambo had wedged the cane between his legs and was pretending it was his penis. He then kept resting the tip of the cane on Boggo’s ear. Boggo couldn’t do anything for fear of riling up Viking so he tried to pretend that he didn’t feel his ear turning pink then red then purple.

6:30 It took quite a while for me to figure out where I was when I first woke up. I could hear the unfamiliar sound of girls’ voices and hushed whispers. The sunlight was pouring through the open window and directly onto my face so I couldn’t open my eyes properly. Gradually, I became aware of somebody moving around in the little common room next door. There was the clink of coffee cups, hushed whispering and the odd sneeze. Thinking it was Boggo making his tea, I leapt out of bed wearing only my sleeping shorts and a T-shirt, and pulled open the inter-leading door only to be met by the surprised faces of two young schoolgirls dressed in white school uniforms. They both seemed to be examining our coffee mugs closely and gaped at me with guilty expressions on their faces. They couldn’t have been older than thirteen and looked even younger.

‘Hello,’ said the one that looked slightly Spanish. ‘My name is Brenda, and this is Penny.’ Penny was taller than her friend, with blonde hair and railway braces. She had that look about her that suggested that she might be stunningly beautiful in five years’ time.

Right now two inquisitive girls were the last thing I needed and I tried to wave them off and go back to bed but they stopped me.

‘Mr Owen has put us in charge of keeping things orderly,’ announced Penny. She then rolled her eyes at her friend as if I was a complete moron.

Brenda has a dark complexion with brown eyes and hair, and a rather sweet round button nose. She grinned at me impishly and said, ‘We already know who you are.’

‘Really?’ I asked as I switched on the kettle and tried to play things cool.

‘Is Rain Man here?’ asked Penny and then immediately covered her mouth as if she had just blown an important state secret. ‘I mean Vern,’ she said and blushed.

‘He’s in there,’ I said and pointed towards our room. The girls peered into the room as if a large python may just explode through the doorway. They couldn’t see Vern properly because he was sleeping under a huge pile of pillows with his face pressed into the mattress.

‘You’re Spud,’ said Penny without too much enthusiasm. Then there was a brief pause before she asked, ‘Why are you called Spud?’

‘Don’t ask,’ I mumbled, and stirred away at my coffee in a rugged fashion.

‘Is it to do with a potato or something?’ continued Brenda, clearly not picking up my definite ‘back off’ vibe.

‘No,’ I answered.

Then the other bedroom door creaked open and Boggo stumbled out wearing only a pair of white scants. Unfortunately for him, his eyes were still fastened shut with sleep so he didn’t see the girls.

The sight of Boggo’s morning glory is so commonplace back at school that nobody even teases him about it any more. The girls, however, screamed in terror and charged out of the common room. Boggo shouted in fright and desperately attempted to cover his groin with one hand while hurling himself backwards into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him. Cackling laughter from inside the bedroom.

The girls peeped their heads around the common room entrance and seemed greatly relieved that Boggo and his boner had retreated.

‘Where’s he gone?’ asked Brenda, looking equally revolted and excited.

‘Was that real?’ asked Penny earnestly.

‘Did he have something in his pants?’ questioned Brenda.

‘Is he Rambo?’ asked Penny.

‘Why’s he got so many pimples on his back?’ said Brenda.

I told the girls that it was a ruler in Boggo’s underpants and that he was just playing a practical joke. Penny turned pink and said, ‘Okay, blind. Whatever … Just don’t tell anybody we fell for it.’

The bedroom door creaked open and Boggo’s worried face appeared in the crack. Then my bedroom door creaked open and Vern’s inquisitive face appeared in that crack.