Starting Over (Treading Water Trilogy) (16 page)

“Why?” Brandon asked over his shoulder. “So you can bust my balls, too? No thanks.”

Declan finally caught up to Brandon. “I’m not going to bust your balls, but what the hell was that all about?”

“You heard him.”

Declan’s eyes widened. “Is it true? Did you have a thing for Sarah?”

Brandon sighed. “Yes.”

“
For real?
And you
told
him this? Jesus, Brand, what’ve you got a death wish or something?”

“I’m trying to stay sober. Remember what I said about secrets and resentments?”

Declan shook his head as he tried to process it. “For how long? I mean…” he sputtered. “Shit.”

“Always. From the day we met her, but she was all about him, as you know.”

“So,” Declan said with a knowing nod, “that’s why.”

“Why what?”

“Why you hate him.”

Brandon stopped walking and turned to his brother. “I never said I hated him.” At least he didn’t think he’d ever said it out loud before he confessed it to Sondra in rehab.

Declan laughed but it had a bitter edge to it. “Do you honestly think you’ve done a good job of hiding it all these years?”

Brandon didn’t realize he’d been so obvious. “I don’t hate him, or I didn’t until about five minutes ago.” Brandon was still furious at Aidan for mocking him. “For a long time, I did, though. I won’t deny that. I blamed him for everything that was wrong with my life. He got the girl; he got the career he wanted. He had it all, and I had nothing.”

“But why in the world would you get into this with him right now? You’re kind of kicking him when he’s down, aren’t you?”

“He flat out asked me why things had gotten so bad between us over the years. I told him it wasn’t something we should talk about now, but you know how he can be. He wouldn’t let it go.”

“Damn.” Dec exhaled a long deep breath that came out like a cloud in the cold air. After they walked for several minutes in silence, Declan stopped Brandon with a hand on his arm. “Let’s go back.”

“That’s all right. I’ll stay out here.”

“Let’s go back and deal with it. Let’s put all this shit where it belongs—in the past.”

Brandon shook his head. “I don’t have it in me right now, Dec. I’ve had the worst time trying not to drink today. It’s been harder than any other day since I quit. I’m not in a good place.”

“I won’t let you drink. I’ll stay right with you all night if I have to, but I will
not
let you drink. Come back with me. Talk to him so you can put it behind you and get on with your life. Isn’t it time, Brand? The cat’s out of the bag, so let’s deal with it.”

Brandon had never before seen such fierce determination in his youngest brother’s eyes, and without making a conscious decision to go, he let Declan lead him back to face Aidan once and for all.

Chapter 14, Day 34

Colin and Aidan were cleaning up the kitchen when Declan and Brandon came in. When Brandon hesitated at the kitchen door, Declan nodded with encouragement and gave his brother a nudge.

“Aidan, Brandon wants to talk to you,” Dec said. “Do you think we can try to be civil? Brandon needs to get past this. His recovery depends on it.”

Declan’s support and understanding of why this was so important overwhelmed Brandon.

Aidan kept his back to them as he finished washing the last pan. When he finally turned to his brothers, his expression was unreadable. He wiped his hands on a towel as he studied Brandon. “Talk.”

All eyes shifted to Brandon. As the weight of their expectations settled heavily upon him, it was important to Brandon that he not run away anymore. He was so tired of them waiting for him to fuck up. Instead of fucking up, this time he would step up.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt you before,” Brandon said. “I was just trying to tell you the truth about something I’ve kept from you and everyone else for most of my life. I know the timing sucks because of what’s happened between you and Clare, but you forced the issue earlier after I told you it wasn’t a good time.”

Watching their brothers circle each other, Colin and Declan were prepared to get between them if it came to that.

“I want to talk to you about this,” Brandon continued. “I want to clear the air between us if we can, but not if you’re going to make fun of how I felt about Sarah or make light of it. I won’t put myself through that.”

“What did you expect me to say?” Aidan asked. “This is just a little bit shocking.”

“I know it is, and I expected you to be mad and surprised and maybe sad because we’re talking about someone we all loved and lost. And I get that you lost a lot more than we did, than I did. But that loss wasn’t all yours, Aidan. It didn’t belong just to you.”

Aidan’s jaw clenched with tension as he studied the tiled kitchen floor.

“I was only eleven.” Brandon forced himself to keep going. Where the will was coming from, he didn’t know, but he couldn’t stop now. “I had no idea what I felt for her was love, but I knew what I felt for you when she picked you over me was hate, pure and simple. I’ve come to see I wasn’t fair to you. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Gee, thanks. It took you what? Twenty-seven years to come to that conclusion? And for all that time, you hated my guts and never even tried to hide it because she picked me over you?” Aidan shook his head with disbelief. “She wasn’t a toy, for God’s sake.”

“I know that now, but I was just a kid. I had no idea how to handle what I felt, so I didn’t handle it at all. I’ve paid a mighty price for that, if it’s any consolation.”

“It’s not.”

“Come on, Aidan,” Declan said. “Give him a break. He’s trying here.”

“He’s telling me he was
in love
with my wife!” Aidan roared. “How do you expect me to react?” Aidan suddenly went still as something else occurred to him. “Is this why you did what you did to Clare? To get back at me because I was happy again?”

“No!” Brandon said, horrified by the implication. “No. I was out of my mind that night. I have no memory of it, so how could I have done it on purpose? I’d never intentionally do something like that to a woman, no matter who she was with.”

“This whole thing makes me sick,” Aidan said, running a hand over the stubble on his cheek.

“There’s more,” Brandon said. If he was going to do this, he might as well go all the way. He told Aidan about the business and how much he resented him for getting the chance to leave. “And when you left medicine,
even then
you didn’t come home to work with us. That made me so mad, because the way I saw it then, I’d given up everything so you could have what you wanted.”

“Do you want to know why I didn’t come home?” Aidan asked in a whisper.

“Yeah,” Brandon said. “I guess I do.” But there was something in the way his brother’s face twisted with grief that made Brandon regret dredging up all these old hurts in Aidan, especially when a new one had just taken up residence.

“I didn’t come home because it was so painful to be there that for years after she died, I had to
make
myself go home for holidays and stuff. There was no way I could’ve lived there then or even now. That’s where we came to be, where it all began. To this day, it still takes my breath away to drive down Main Street in Chatham knowing I have to live the whole rest of my life without her.”

“I’m sorry,” Brandon said. “I didn’t know that.”

“You didn’t know because you never asked. Instead, you just added it to the long list of grievances you had against me. What else have you got? Hell, you’re on a roll. You may as well get it all out.”

“Nothing. There’s nothing else.”

“That was more than enough.”

“I was wrong about a lot of things. I realize that now. I’ve laid a lot of crap at your doorstep that didn’t belong there. But I loved Sarah. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but it’s true.”

“She didn’t even like you,” Aidan said without malice. “She thought you were a jerk.”

“I made sure you both thought I was a jerk. It was the only defense I had.”

“I suppose you’re going to tell me next that my wife and I made you into an alcoholic.”

“No, I did that all on my own.” Brandon glanced over to find Colin and Declan looking at him with something new in their eyes: respect. It felt good.

“Do you think maybe you guys can try to put this behind you now?” Colin asked.

Aidan never took his eyes off of Brandon when he replied, “I don’t know. I need some time to process it. Just talking about Sarah and thinking about her and Colin…” He rested a hand on his chest, as if trying to contain the burst of grief brought on by the mention of the son he’d lost. “Sometimes it’s like it all happened yesterday rather than ten years ago. The only time I’ve felt normal since then is when I was with Clare, and now she’s gone, too.”

“I’m sorry, Aidan,” Brandon said, hesitating. “I’m probably the last person who should be saying this, but maybe you could do the kid thing, you know, if it meant you got to be with her.” He braced himself for a blast of anger from Aidan that didn’t materialize.

“I’ve thought about that,” Aidan confessed. “But don’t you think a kid deserves more than a father who’s only there physically?”

“You’d be a great father,” Declan insisted. “Erin’s kids adore you.”

Aidan shook his head. “I can’t,” he whispered. “I just can’t take the chance something would happen again. I barely survived it the first time.”

Since his brothers couldn’t argue with that, they didn’t try.

The brothers were quiet on the drive south through the Green Mountains on Sunday afternoon. Brandon watched the scenery pass from the front seat as Declan navigated the twisting mountain highway. As he relived the confrontation with Aidan, an array of emotions rioted through Brandon. A lifetime of secrets had come pouring out, freeing him from the enormous effort it took to keep them to himself. Relief mixed in with the regret and remorse for all the years he’d devoted to hating a brother who hadn’t deserved it.

If only he’d reached out to someone to unload even a small portion of his pain. Either of his parents would have done what they could to help him. Teachers, coaches, friends, even his younger brothers or sister—any of them would’ve tried to help, if only he’d asked for it. How different his life might have turned out if he’d spoken up, but instead, he kept it all locked inside. And, like he’d said to Aidan, he had paid a mighty price for that.

“Hey, Col?” Brandon said.

“
Mmm
,” the half-asleep Colin grunted.

“Do you know where Sarah’s buried in Boston?”

“I do,” Declan said.

“So do I,” Colin said.

“Have you guys been there?”

“A couple of times with Mum and Da,” Declan said. “Aidan told me he finally went for the first time recently with Clare.” He sighed. “She was good for him. I wish they could work it out somehow.”

“You never know,” Brandon said. “Maybe they will.”

“It sounds like they’re at a pretty significant standoff,” Colin said.

“So, um, do you guys think we could go to the cemetery on the way home?” Brandon asked.

“I don’t mind,” Declan said.

“I don’t, either,” Colin said. “As long as I’m home by six.”

“Who’s this chick you’ve got to get home for anyway?” Declan asked with a glance in the mirror at Colin.

“Just a friend I’m having dinner with tonight.”

“A
friend
?” Declan asked.

“For now,” Colin said.

“I have a date tonight, too,” Brandon said.

“With who?” Declan asked with surprise.

“A five-year-old who’s taken a shine to me in the apartment building. She’s a cute kid.”

“With crappy taste in men,” Colin joked.

“Thanks a lot,” Brandon said. “You ought to see the mother.” He sucked in a breath and shook his head. “Total goddess.”

“
Oh
,” Declan chuckled. “I get it now.”

“No, the kid’s really cool,” Brandon insisted. “I’ll tell you what, I like her a lot more than the mother—the tenant from hell, as Da calls her.”

“Maybe I should’ve volunteered for the apartment job,” Colin said. “Sounds like you’re running Melrose Place over there.”

“Yeah, right!” Brandon hooted. “Funny, I don’t recall
volunteering
for the apartment job. The rest of the tenants are senior citizens. They’re probably more interested in bingo than hot-tub parties.”

“There’s a visual,” Colin said dryly.

“So you guys,” Declan said. “Since we’re having true confession weekend, I wanted to tell you…”

“What?” Brandon asked, turning to Dec.

“I’m thinking about asking Jess to marry me. That is if she’s still speaking to me after this weekend.”

“Get out of here!” Colin said. “You’ve only known her a couple of months.”

Declan shrugged. “There’s something different about her. I realized it almost right away.”

“I can’t imagine you married,” Brandon said.

“I know, but I’m ready. I want a family, and let’s face it, we’re not getting any younger.”