Steering the Stars (40 page)

       Owen remained in the doorway shifting on his feet. There was a time when he would have walked right into my room without a question and plopped down on my bed or my desk chair. Now he seemed uncertain about whether or not he was even allowed in the hallway.

       Breaking the awkward quiet, Caroline got to her feet. “I’m going to run downstairs and see if there’s anything to drink. All this candy is making me thirsty.”

       Owen’s eyebrows came together. “No, Care, you don’t have to go because of me.”

       She shook her head. “I’m not going because of you.”

       It was obvious that Owen didn’t believe her. “I didn’t mean to mess up your girl time,” he mumbled, pointing his eyes at his sneaker-clad feet.

       She squeezed his arm as she walked past him and whispered. “You didn’t.”

       And then Owen and I were alone.

       “Come on in,” I said hoarsely and motioned him forward.

       He took two steps and stopped. It had been so long since we’d been in the same room that neither of us seemed to know what to do with ourselves. We just stood there. Breathing in and out. Looking at each other.

       Finally I quipped, “Well this isn’t awkward.”

       He smiled tentatively, showing me a thin strip of white teeth. “Not at all.”

       “So…”

       “So…” He gestured to the junk food on the floor. “What’s this all about? You guys packing it in for winter?”

       “Oh—” I chuckled nervously. “Caroline showed up about an hour ago with three grocery bags full of this crap and I took one look at all of it and said game on! I guess you could say it’s sort of like a going away present for me.” When he stayed quiet, I explained, “I’m heading back to London tomorrow.”

       “I figured you’d be leaving soon. Your dad’s doing okay?”

       I nodded. “Yeah. He just needs a change in lifestyle. More fruits and veggies, and less stress. He’s going to take it easier at work and focus on hobbies instead. You know, get more stargazing time in,” I said. “My mom’s even trying to talk him into taking classes at her studio.”

       Owen laughed. “Dance classes?”

       “Yep,” I confirmed with a smile. A real one this time.

       “And we’re talking about
your
dad?”

       I shrugged. “People adapt.”

       “They do for sure.” Owen’s eyes met mine and we both realized that we weren’t just talking about my father. “Hannah…”

       But I wanted to speak first. I put my hand out until we were barely touching. “Owen, I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

       He closed his eyes. “It’s not your fault,” he said. “I put so much pressure on you to stay in Oklahoma and I now I see how wrong that was. What you wrote in that email was right. I was unfair and selfish. I forgot how I was supposed to love you. And I do, Hannah. I love you.”

       My eyes were full of tears. I put my hands on his shoulders and hugged him. He smelled like he always smelled—like laundry soap and body wash, and for a brief moment, it felt right. It felt safe to be in his arms again. But, I knew that I couldn’t stay there.

       I gently pulled back and I looked into his eyes and I told him the truth. “I love you too. Just not in the way that you want. And you deserve more than that—more than I can give. You deserve the whole package.”

       He nodded and smiled sadly. “I think I already knew that was true, but it’s good to hear you say it out loud.”

       We stood for a moment in a companionable silence and then I turned and pointed to all the  junk food on the floor. “You can stay, you know. And help Care and me eat all this stuff.”

       “Like old times?”

       “Exactly.”

       Owen shook his head. “But it’s not old times, is it?”

       I knew what he was getting at. It was good to see each other and talk, but we couldn’t just pretend that everything was fine between us. We couldn’t go back to the way things were. But maybe…. maybe one day we’d find a new way. Because that’s how it works when you follow your heart. It might take you through twists and turns and ups and downs, but eventually, it leads you home.

       He hugged me once more and I stood in the doorway of my bedroom and watched him go. I was crying, but I was okay.

       Within a minute, Caroline reappeared. She was holding a package wrapped in bright blue paper and tied with a silvery purple bow.

       “You okay?” she asked.

       I shook my head. “No, but I will be.” I wiped my drippy nose and eyes. “What’s that?” I asked, meaning the present in her hands.

       “It’s a going away present.”

       “But you already brought me ALL of the junk food in the world. What more could a girl ask for?”

       Caroline flashed a mischievous smile. “Open it and see.”

       Curious, I took the present from her and tugged at the bow and paper. As the paper loosened, the objects inside started to shift and I realized that she’d wrapped a stack of smaller rectangular boxes.       

       “What in the…” I laughed loudly. “Girl Scout cookies?!”

       She shrugged. “You said you needed them.”

       I looked at the boxes with wonder. “I can’t believe you! I didn’t even know it was cookie season yet.”

       “It’s not.”

       “Then how...?”

       Caroline smiled. “I have connections.”

       I laughed. “Connections? Like you know someone who knows someone in the cookie racket?”

       “Sort of… Actually, my neighbor is actually one of the troop leaders. The cookies aren’t out for another month or so, but she couldn’t turn down free babysitting. Not with her kids.”

       I hugged her with one arm, squishing the boxes between us. “Care, you are the best! If it wasn’t official before, it is now. Thank you.”

       Her arm came around me. “You’re more than welcome. I’m proud of you for going back and finishing what you started. You’re not a quitter, Hannah. And you don’t half-ass things.”

       I stepped away and smiled at her. “Except for squash. I half-ass squash.”

       This made her laugh. “Pumpkin is always the exception to the rule.”

       I looked down at the boxes of Girl Scout cookies. There were twelve of them. It looked like she’s gotten me one of each kind. “So, should we open them?”

       “Actually,” she said slowly. “I was thinking…”

       “Yeah?”

       “I know about this other American living in London…”

       My heart fluttered. “Joel?”

       She nodded. “He’d probably love to have some of these cookies. That is—if you’re willing to share.”

To: Hannah<
[email protected]
>

From: Caroline<
[email protected]
>

Date: November 13

Subject: Doom and gloom

I just looked at my calendar and realized what day it is…  It’s freaking Friday the 13th! I seriously cannot believe I didn’t catch it before. It figures that the musical would open today of all days.

Do you think this is a sign that the universe hates me?

____________

To: Caroline<
[email protected]
>

From: Hannah<
[email protected]
>

Date: November 13

Subject: Re: Doom and Gloom

Absolutely not! I think in some cultures Friday the 13th is actually GOOD LUCK. And even if it’s not—who the hell cares? The universe has nothing on you, Caroline McKain. Channel Katy Perry and just remember that you’ve got the eye of the tiger… you’re a fighter, you’re dancing through fire… you’re a champion and that audience is going to hear you ROAR!

I wish that I was there to cheer you on but I know you’re going to do great :) They’re calling us to board the plane so I’ve got to run but we’ll talk soon! Text me when it’s over.

Love you—-XOXO

Hannah

PS: Are you going to remember me when you get nominated for an Oscar?

____________

       Showtime was at seven. In her final pep talk yesterday, Mrs. Cobb had told us all to be at the school auditorium by six. I arrived over an hour early because I wanted—no, I
needed
—plenty of time to get ready and I was hoping that extra time before curtain call would help calm my frayed nerves.

       Emma and Kristin showed up half an hour later and were ready to do my hair and make-up. While they set to work on me, I closed my eyes and went over the lines and choreography in my head.

       “All set,” Kristin said as she put a final dusting of power over my nose.

       I opened my eyes and took in my reflection in the small mirror. I looked… Well, to be honest, I looked like an alien. I had never worn so much make-up in my life. My eyes were lined with heavy strokes of black kohl liner and my lips were bright red. And my hair was piled on top of my head and pinned into place with bobby pins with small flowers at the ends.

       “It seems like a lot,” I said, turning my face to the side so I could see my profile.

       Emma smiled and reached forward to adjust the collar of my dress. “We want to make sure everyone in the audience can see you!”

       “Oh… of course.”

       “Hey, we’re going to grab a quick bite before it starts. I think Sam said something earlier about ordering pizza. Do you want to come with us?” she asked.

       “I’m thinking I have a better chance of not puking on the audience on an empty stomach,” I told her only half-kidding.

       “Okay,” she laughed. “Do you at least want a drink or something?”

       “No, I’m okay. I think I’m going to go check out the set and, I don’t know, get in the zone I guess.”

       “All right! We’ll see you in a bit.” Kristin waved and she and Emma left.

       My long dress swished around my ankles as I made my way to the stage. The crew was there making some last minute adjustments but nobody paid me any attention. I stood center stage and looked out at the currently empty auditorium seats and tried to imagine what it would be like when they were full of people.

       It was a scary thought.

       “Are you nervous?”

       I turned to find Henry standing next to me with two cups of coffee in his hands.

       “Freaking out,” I admitted.

       “Here,” he said, handing me one cup. “I thought you could use this.”

       “Thank you,” I said taking the cup into both of my hands and breathing in the scent. “Mmm, my favorite part of fall. I don’t know what I’ll do when it’s over.”

       “What do you mean?”

       I looked down at the cup. “Pumpkins are seasonal so once they’re gone…” I shrugged. “Then I have to wait forever.”

       “Be careful about forever,” he said. “It only happens once.”

       I laughed, but it came out kind of awkward. Were we still talking about coffee or had I missed something?

       “I’ll see you after the show, okay?” he said as he reached out and tucked back behind my ear a curl that had fallen loose from my updo.

       “Okay.”

       “Care, you’ll be amazing. Just remember to breathe.”

       If only it was that easy.

       I stood on the stage and drank my coffee a little while longer. When the crew started to disappear behind the curtains and the sound guys started testing the microphones, I knew my time was up.

       The dressing area had turned into a madhouse while I was gone. People were everywhere—primping and prepping for the show. I saw Miles across the room and we waved to each other.

       Kristin and Emma found me and checked my hair and costume one last time—this time being extra, extra generous with the hair spray.

       “We need to keep this wild mane of yours in check,” Kristin said as she shot my hair with another blast of her can.

       I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was a lost cause.

       Finally, Mrs. Cobb showed up. She put her finger to her lip to signal us to be quiet and then she directed us to the side of the stage. Once there, my nerves tripled in intensity. A wave of nausea hit me so hard and fast, I had to lean against the wall to try to regain my composure. Or, at least, what was left of it.

       “It’s normal to be nervous,” Miles said, stepping to my side. “It’s a good thing.”

       “How is this a good thing?”

       “It means you take it seriously. That it’s important to you.”

       “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous about anything in my entire life,” I told him.

       “You’ll be great,” Miles assured me, squeezing my hand. I knew that the gesture was meant to be comforting, but it didn’t help. “The audience will love you.”

       I had a sudden desire to sneak a peek through the thick red curtains to see the audience he was talking about, but maybe that was a terrible idea. Wouldn’t that make the anxiety bubbling inside of me reach it’s boiling point?

       Miles was supposed to enter from the opposite side of the stage, so after a quick “break a leg” and a confident smile, he left me alone to marinate in my panic.

       “Oh God,” I muttered, leaning farther into the wall, feeling the cool cement blocks beneath my fingers and I practiced breathing slowly.

       “You ready?” someone said from behind me.

       “Do I have a choice?”

       Whoever it was laughed softly.

       The urge to see how many people I would be making a fool of myself in front of won out, so I opened the curtain just enough to get one eye through.

       Wow
. The place was packed.

      My eyes scanned the crowd and I caught sight of Henry in the front row sitting between both of his parents. Either I wasn’t being very discreet or Henry had known that I would do exactly what I was doing, because he found me right away. Our eyes locked and he smiled before mouthing,
Just you and me.

      
The lights dimmed over the audience, the curtains lifted, and I knew it was time to take my place.

****

“
Eliza? Where the devil are my slippers
?” Miles delivered his final line.

       All at once, the curtains lowered.

       It was done.

       It was actually done!

       We joined hands and took our places for the final bow. The curtain came back up and the audience applauded wildly.

       It was exhilarating. I’d never experienced such a rush of adrenaline before.

       Holding my hand tight in his, Miles pulled me forward two paces and the two of us took another bow. This time I could definitely hear whistles and my name shouted from somewhere in the audience.

       “Come on,” Miles said as the curtain started to come down again.

       I took one last look at the audience. My heart was still popping and my blood was buzzing with excitement.

       “Where are we going?” I whispered, as I let him pull me through the darkened backstage area. The cast was scattered. I spotted Kristin and Emma and Sam, and I tried to wave but Miles was still tugging me along.

       As he opened one of the side doors, he explained, “After the show, the actors do a meet and greet outside the auditorium and we take pictures with audience members.”

       “There they are!” Mrs. Cobb exclaimed when she saw us. She rushed over and placed one hand against the small of my back. “Hurry along, hurry along, you two! The paper wants to take a group photo.”

       I felt like a raft caught up in the current. In a rush, I was dragged forward and positioned in the front of the group. The photographer brusquely pushed my hair aside so she could see my face, then she stepped back and adjusted the lens on her big black camera. I had the sudden and surreal thought that if my schedule hadn’t gotten disrupted on the first day of school, I would have taken a photography class and our positions might have been reversed.

       The flash of the camera brought me back to reality. She took several group shots as well as some shots of just me and Miles together, all the while directing me to move my head this way and that way.

       When she was finished, the friends and family members who had been waiting patiently on the sidelines swarmed the actors. Everywhere I looked was a chaotic mixture of flowers, camera flashes, hugging and words of praise.

       I stood on my tiptoes and searched the crowd for Henry and his parents, but I couldn’t find them anywhere. I realized that they must have left as soon as the show was over to avoid the inevitable traffic jam. It made sense, but I still couldn’t ignore tried to ignore the weight of disappointment that settled over me. It was crushing.

       “Now what could you possibly be sad about on a night like this?”

       I sucked in my breath and spun around and there was my father. In a suit! I couldn’t believe my eyes.

       “You came?”

       He smiled and handed over a bouquet of sunflowers and daisies. They were my mom’s favorites and, of course, mine. “Of course I came. I wouldn’t have missed your big night for anything.”

       I was overcome and I think he could tell because he said, “Now don’t cry on me.”

       I laughed through my tears and then I threw my arms around him and I hugged him. “Thank you,” I whispered.