Stolen Breaths (19 page)

We were both wrecked from the therapy session. By the time we got to Cooper’s house neither one of us could muster the energy to do anything except sleep.

“Stay with me tonight,” Cooper said. “I won’t be able to sleep without you with me.”

We hadn’t talked any more about what happened in therapy. I think we were both emotionally spent and were both crashing like two junkies on an adrenaline rush. I think I slept for three or four hours, and woke up to the sound of rain pelting the glass outside the window. Thunder roared so loud it rattled the house. I looked over at Cooper still sound asleep and watched the rise and fall of his chest. I rolled over and stared at the ceiling, thinking about nothing and everything. My thoughts were so jumbled together that it was like trying to untangle chains.

Frustrated, I got up and quietly walked into the living room. Picking up Cooper’s guitar, I began to strum it, keeping it low though so I didn’t wake him up. I freed my mind and let the music carry me away. Struck with a sudden bolt of inspiration I jotted down some lyrics on a notepad sitting on the coffee table. I quietly hummed the words I wrote and smiled about the fact that I now found myself doing things I’d never done before, like writing song lyrics. Baby steps. I took the piece of paper, ripped it from the notepad, and stuffed it inside my pocket.

“Precious, what are you doing?” Cooper was leaning against the doorway, arms folded across his chest, smiling endearingly.

“Nothing. Just messing around. Couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and came in here.”

Another rumble of thunder ensued and he walked toward the big picture window to look out. “It’s really coming down out there. Perfect snuggle weather if you ask me,” he said with a wink.

“Is that so?” I asked impishly.

“Mmm-hmm.” His eyes burned into me like fire ripping through a forest, and I immediately felt the heat as he stalked toward me.

“I need to touch you,” he said in my ear with a low growl. “I need to feel you so damn bad. And I need you to feel me.” He pulled on the lobe of my ear with his lips.

I do feel you, Cooper.

His hand came up to rest with his thumb stroking my jaw, his other four fingers wrapping around the nape of my neck. He trailed feverish kisses until he found my mouth and then he stopped to look at me. He lowered me down with his body, never breaking the gaze. He was pressed up against me. I could feel his warmth all around me and the heat was making me dizzy. My eyes fluttered shut and my breathing went from fast to shallow.

“Look at me,” he murmured.

My eyes opened and then closed again on their own.

“Look at me, precious. I need to feel your eyes on me.” His voice was low and husky. “Look at me or I won’t kiss you.”

I forced my eyes open, and the first thing I saw was a sideways grin on his face. “So, I have to threaten you with no kissing to get you to look at me?” he asked mischievously, still keeping that sensual husky timbre.

I shook my head no, but breathed out “
Yes
.”

His eyes skated the slope of my nose before resting on my mouth. I watched him bite down on his bottom lip while he stared at mine. Either way, I was being tortured with anticipation.

“Kiss me, Cooper,” I said in a whisper.

I could feel his heart pound against his chest the moment I said it. His lips crashed into mine with such a hunger that I was overwhelmed. If I were walking a tight rope with no protective net underneath, it still wouldn’t compare to the intense exhilaration from Cooper’s kiss. It. Just. Wouldn’t. The nervousness I still got, the pangs of need, the way my heart slammed against my chest – all of it. Nothing compared.

Lightning cracked and then a loud, thunderous boom was heard before the lights went out. We’d lost power, and the only reason I knew that was because I had been keeping my eyes barely open enough to watch Cooper’s mouth on mine, and now I couldn’t see anything. Watching his mouth touch and caress me was, well, intimate.

“Do you watch me when we kiss?” I asked nervously.
Please don’t think that’s a stupid question.

He leaned up just a fraction so he could look at me, but it was dark. The only illumination was when the lightning flashed and we caught glimpses of each other.

“Mmm-Hmm, sometimes. I like watching the way your mouth moves against mine.” After a moment he asked, “Were you watching me kiss you?”

“Mmm-hmm. I like watching the way your mouth moves against mine.”

“Do we need to light some candles then?”

“I guess we should. I can’t see a thing.”

“Wait right here.” Cooper lifted himself from me and blindly attempted to make his way into the kitchen. I already missed his warmth.

“Ouch. Shit!”

“What happened?”

Through gritted teeth he said, “I stubbed my toe.”

I heard hobbling and a string of curse words. You know that expression ‘it would make a sailor blush?’ Yeah. There may be one or two blushing sailors out there somewhere.

“Are you all right?”

Silence. Then heavy breathing.

“Honey?”

Once again through gritted teeth, “Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Mmm-hmm” Cooper sucked air through his teeth. “I…just…need a minute.”

I finally heard kitchen drawers open and close. Seconds later I smelled the sulfur from a lit match, followed by a small, flickering flame. Cooper’s face was illuminated with a soft glow as he walked back to me. Setting the lit candle down next to me, he lit another, and then another. Eventually we had enough golden flames casting light around the room.

Perfect.

“How’s your toe?”

“It’s fine. I’ll live.” He kissed my nose then picked up his guitar and looked over at me. “Play me a song?”

“Any requests?”

“What, that’s it?” He lifted an eyebrow. “You’re not going to put up a fight? Refuse to play?”

“Nope, “I state matter-of-factly. “I’m not. I think I like playing for you.”

“Ah, well in that case,” Cooper said, handing me the guitar, “what are you waiting for?”

I placed the guitar strap over my head, set the guitar in my lap, and tapped on the top of it with my fingernail until I thought of a song to play.
Ah, got one
. I played Sara Bareilles’ ‘The Light’
.

I maintained eye contact with Cooper as I’d grown accustomed to doing whenever I sang for him. I began the song
a cappella
for the first few lines, then I brought in the guitar. Songs were poetry set to music and this song fit us. It was saying, ‘if you say it’ll be all right, then I’m going to trust you and follow you into the light’. See? Perfect.

When I finished the song Cooper leaned in and kissed me. “Beautiful, baby. It’s my turn.”

I handed over the guitar and waited patiently while he got settled. By
patiently
I mean biting the skin around my thumbnail with anxiety. Cooper began to play and immediately I knew…

Cooper’s eyes stayed locked on mine as he sang to me. It was the most beautiful song I’d ever heard. I was completely enraptured, completely captivated, and completely his.

And then the lights come back on.

Cooper leaned forward to blow out the first candle.

I put my palm on his chest. “Wait,” I said, “let’s keep the candles burning and turn the lights back off. I like it like this.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said with a playful smirk and reached for the light switch. Once again it was just the flickering glow from the candles lighting the room.

“I love the song.”

Cooper stroked my hair. “And I love you.”

Shadows were cast all around us, like dancing figures on the wall. It was calming, peaceful. Our day had been peaks and valleys. Ups and downs. Twists and turns. But as I looked over at Cooper right now I wouldn’t change a second of it. Every moment had significance. Every moment mattered. And every moment I spent with Cooper was a moment cherished.

I closed my eyes for a minute because I wanted to absorb the ambiance of the night; the room; the moment. My heart felt too full, like it might explode unless I unleashed… something. Words? Feelings? I didn’t know the cure, but I knew I needed to let something out before it burst.

“I’m so in love with you,” I whispered.

Even though I couldn’t see him through closed eyelids, I could hear him smile.

“Cooper, please. I need to do this.”

“Please don’t ask me to do that.” His eyes were desperate and pleading.

We’d been having this conversation for the last half hour. When I woke up that morning after having another nightmare I decided it was time. Something had to happen. I couldn’t keep doing this. I wasn’t sleeping anymore and I was tired all the time. My mind wasn’t letting it go and fighting it was only making it worse. If I was going to ever sleep peacefully again I needed to confront this. I needed to let myself remember. This was why I was going to therapy after all, to deal with what happened to me. Dr. Connelly said that I didn’t need to remember every aspect and every detail of the beating, but in order to stop focusing on the disturbing nightmares I needed to gain some sort of authority over them.

“Talk about it, acknowledge it, remember it, feel it, and then put it in perspective by getting to the point where it doesn’t negatively influence the here and now,” she had said.

“I have to do this, Cooper. I don’t know any other way to get past it. Obviously pushing it down and keeping it locked up isn’t working. It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s like the memories are screaming at me and I want to yell back at them, but they hold all the ammunition and I have none. I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself, and I’m losing the battle.” I slumped down on the couch feeling hopeless and drained. “I…” I let out a deep sigh and fought the ache in my chest that was threatening to rise up in my throat so I didn’t choke on my words. “I need to find a way back to me, to the person I used to be.”

Cooper let out a sigh of his own. I didn’t dare look at him though. His eyes had always been the windows to his soul and I didn’t want to see how tortured his soul was right now. I knew it, but seeing it would shred me.

“I haven’t been back there since that day, Lily. I don’t even know if I can stand to take you there. How can I take you to the place where you could have died?”

He lowered himself onto the couch beside me and clasped his hands together, resting his elbows on his knees. He didn’t say anything else right away, and neither did I, both of us lost in our own thoughts. Our first disagreement and neither one of us knew what to do about it. I wasn’t mad at him. I loved him for wanting to protect me. I just needed him to understand that he couldn’t protect me from myself.

“I’ll take you,” he finally whispered, hanging his head. He turned his whole body toward mine, facing me head on. “But I
will
remove you from there if I see the first sign of this being a mistake, even if that means throwing you over my shoulder and putting you in the car myself.” His face was stoic and tormented.

It was an open field, and not much to look at. A giant open space that to most people held no significance at all. That wasn’t so for Cooper. As for me, I was trying to feel my connection to it. Like Cooper, I had avoided coming there since that day. Before then, I would have passed by the field a few times a week. It was on the path I usually took when I went running.

I hadn’t gone running since.

Getting out of the car, Cooper touched my arm. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

No.
“Yes.” I let Cooper’s touch seep into my skin, concentrating on the way he made me feel. Safe.
I can do this
.