Stolen Innocence (25 page)

Today at school the school social worker Mrs. Haas told me about The Clothesline Project coming to our school today. It is a project where survivors of sexual violence express themselves on T-shirts. I went down during my lunch with another girl and read the shirts. Some were so graphic with writings. It is a bunch of shirts with a lot of pain expressed on them all hanging on a clothesline. I later went up to the guidance office the last period of the day and Mrs. Haas set me up with a T-shirt and puffy paint. At first I sat starring at the T-shirt wondering how I could put into words how I felt about Brian and my abuse. I finally let my hand do the work and began putting down my pain and anger. “I am a survivor not your victim” was the best statement on mine. There were other girls in the room making shirts as well. After finishing the shirt I felt a sense of relief, being able to express myself like that in a healthy way. I walked away feeling good about myself.

I can't believe I am writing this. I never thought I would write this. I just got off the phone with Brian and I'm not kidding. This is how it all happened. A few days ago I received an e-mail from Brian telling me he is ready to talk on the phone. A day later we set up a time and day, which happened to be tonight. I was terrified to make the call. I dialed and hung up four or five times before hearing the phone ring. It rang five or six times before he picked up. I heard him say hello and could tell he was nervous. The conversation lasted about a half hour and it was just small talk. I just let him know what an impact his actions have had on my life and he let me know that he is a changed man. He tried telling me about his life over the years and how his actions have always hung over him. I kept the conversation simple and didn't get into much because it was the first time in five years we were speaking. I did ask him if he ever told his girlfriend and he told me that she heard about it at school and asked him about it and he told her it was true. I doubt Brian told her how abusive he really was. In fact I am sure he denied it all. He tried telling me he has changed his life around and is involved with volunteer work and even signed up to be a volunteer as a Big Brother for a child. Hearing that made my stomach turn into knots. All I could think was another innocent child being abused.

Towards the end of our conversation he mentioned how he couldn't believe how calm I was. He said he was expecting me to be hysterical with him. I told him I have a lot of anger and hate towards him, but getting angry on the phone would resolve nothing. I finished by saying, “I am trying to let go of some of this anger and hate. Holding on to it is only hurting me more.” I told him I've been waiting a long time for a meaningful apology and want him to put some thought into it before coming out and apologizing. Before Brian hung up he told me if and when I want to talk again just e-mail him and we would set up a time to talk. I had God with me the entire night. I don't know how I made it through the half an hour without freaking out. Being able to let Brian know how much pain he has caused me was empowering. I now pray he will come to me and apologize. I am proud that I have taken this huge step and finally talked with him on the phone. I will sleep well tonight. It just doesn't seem real that I talked to him. I'll be playing that conversation over in my head all night.

For years now I've wondered if I'd ever hear Brian apologize. Having to see him at holidays throughout the years has always torn me up inside and memories have haunted me all these years. I never expected myself to confront Brian back in April. I never imagined being placed in a hospital. The thought of ever talking to Brian on the phone never even crossed my mind. My number one prayer for years now is to move on with my life and forgive Brian. In a way it seemed impossible without Brian apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I've been telling Brian since April that when he is truly sorry and wants forgiveness to let me know. Today was a day I've waited five long years for. I received a letter from Brian that made me break down and cry. A letter I thought I'd never receive. All my emotions are pouring out of me right now.

I'm speechless! I wasn't expecting to ever hear this. Receiving this letter has opened a whole new door in my life a door that has been locked for a long time. I now feel I can look to the future and not live in the past. I realize how fortunate I am to be able to have communication with my abuser. There are so many more victims of abuse who don't have this opportunity that I have to confront their abuser and then get a letter asking for forgiveness. It all seems too unreal. For once I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see myself reaching the end of this road proud of myself that I never gave up. I look out the window and see a shooting star across the sky. A star I prayed on for many years. Thank you, God! Thank You!

I sat down for the first time in years at a table filled with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries, corn, and a table filled with people. One of those people was my cousin Brian. Someone I have avoided for years and feared. I now can look across the table at him and not cringe. In the past my stomach turned to knots. This year was different. I felt peace when I looked at Brian and he said, “Hello, Happy Thanksgiving.” I felt that I had conquered my greatest challenge. I confronted my biggest fear and in the end found peace. I gained back the control and power Brian had taken from me when I was 11 years old.

We sat down as a family and bowed our heads to give thanks. As I bowed my head I could feel God's presence surrounding me, giving me a pat on the back. I thank Him for never giving up on me when I doubted him. For the first time since I was a child I am thankful. Thankful to be alive. Thankful God never gave up on me. Thankful for the strength and courage I've been given. I never imagined it could be possible that I could forgive Brian and speak to him again. I've learned in life anything is possible. Tonight as I turn out my light I give thanks to everyone that has helped me down this road to healing and I pray for the children and adults that will be faced with the same journey I've faced growing up. Good night!

—Lin Yutang