Stranger King (14 page)

And even now, alone in the dark, he wished to have her by his side, to lie beside her in the quiet and feel her breath against him. There was more, but those feelings he could not admit to himself yet. This already was a betrayal to his vows, to his Goddess.

Yet Lena would be kept from him. Perhaps that was for the best. It would stop him from making another foolish decision.

He remained there until he was too tired to kneel any longer. He rested on the cold floor, waiting for the light to return to his room.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Thegn did
not know how long it was until the door was opened again. He scrambled back, watching Elias come into the room. The man laid out food on the floor for him, nodding as he turned on the light for them both.

“Priest,” Thegn greeted him gratefully. “I thought they would not let me see you again.”

“They nearly did not,” Elias admitted, “but I managed to convince them that even prisoners are allowed a chaplain. I don’t think they ever had such an interfaith leap before, but it seemed like a good foundation to work on. Are you well, Thegn?”

“As well as I can be,” Thegn said quietly. “It is hard, not knowing what is happening, not knowing if I will see another day, not knowing how long I will be in the dark. But I am alive. I should be grateful. Are the others alright?”

“Are you asking about Lena?” Elias asked quietly.

Thegn felt his skin pale. “She protected me when she could have been in danger herself. I do not wish her harm from the others on my account.”

“She’s fine,” Elias reassured. “It almost came to blows between the two of them a few times now. You have to understand, we have been mostly underground for over two years. It allows tensions to build too easily. It allows other intense emotions to build quite easily, too. Do you understand what I am saying?”

Thegn looked up at him in curiosity as Elias continued, “This might not be my place. But from what you told me, you must refrain from sexual activity until your final service. Is that not true?”

“It is,” Thegn said. “We are encouraged to leave behind any attachments to any other than the Goddess herself. It is to make our service easier to accept.”

“I… Look. High-pressure situations make people feel things they wouldn’t normally. They lead people into making stupid decisions when it comes to sex and love and all that. Trust me, my order is not that dissimilar to yours in what is asked of you in this department. The truth is this: you must not do something you’ll regret. One day you may wake up and realize it was not worth what you gave up. You must decide whether or not that temptation is worth more than the privilege of serving God.”

Thegn asked quietly, “Were you ever tempted, priest?”

Elias replied, “I gave up my celibacy a long time ago, Thegn. I call myself a man of God … but with all that was happening … there’s more to it than just sex. I love my God. I still do, despite everything. I was lost before this war happened, it just made a good excuse. Don’t lose yourself here, too. Don’t give anything up you’re not willing to. I made the right decision for myself. Make the right one for you.”

“I do not know what it is I wish. I feel conflicted,” Thegn replied.

Elias sat down. “Then let me be honest with you. There is no decision here. I know you think you understand, but you don’t. You aren’t human. You will never be human. It doesn’t matter if you sympathize, it doesn’t matter if you even care about us. You will never stop being Mokai.”

Thegn said angrily, “I have lived among your kind, I have meant you no––”

“Let me tell you a story about another priest,” Elias said. “Hundreds of years ago, the peoples of Earth were in conflict with each other. Men came from one side of the world to conquer another. They did not see them as human, worthwhile. One of those sent to this ‘New World’ was a man named Bartolomé de las Casas. He was sent, like you were, to witness the extinction of a civilization. Then he had a change of heart, and he started seeing these others as human. He thought our God would not want this to happen. He fought for them, he tried to protect them. But when he pled for them to his own kind, he argued for the imprisonment of another group of humans in their place. Because while he had been convinced of one group’s humanity, he was still willing to throw out another to protect them. My own ancestors spent hundreds of years in slavery in part because one man thought he was doing the right thing on behalf of those he still, deep down, felt were lesser.”

Thegn did not know how to respond as Elias stood.

“He was a good man, certainly. He tried to help a people who were being wiped from the earth. But he never stopped being Spanish.”

He left, and just before he shut off the lights, Thegn could see Maria standing in the hallway, waiting. Then he was left in the dark.

*

In his dream, he saw Lena reaching out to him, touching his cheek. He heard the gunfire around them and smelled the chemicals in the air.

“I promise to keep you safe,” he could hear himself say, “to the end.” The Mokari called him still as he tried to reach to her.

“Not yet,” he begged, “not yet.”

And as he woke, he tried to justify it to himself, alone in the dark. He thought of all that Elias had said to him, disturbed by his accusation, and saddened. After all of this, even one he thought might be a friend still did not trust him.

Still in the dark, he heard voices just outside his cell. He rose slightly, trying to better hear what was occurring. He recognized Lena and Janiya’s voices and he listened quietly.

Janiya said, “Listen to me, just for once. It’s not safe anymore, you know that. I know you’re fond of him, but you’re acting irrationally, I think you know that. Let’s just go back to bed, Lena. He’s fine.”

Lena laughed, “If I didn’t know better, I would think you were jealous.”

Janiya said quietly, “So what if I was?”

He could not make out if Lena had said something before Janiya continued.

“I know you,” Janiya whispered, “I know you feel things too quickly, you get carried away before you can even understand it yourself. You fall in love with anyone you think loves you back. I don’t blame you. That’s who you are, and you know … you know I love you for it. I don’t have the right to tell you what to do and, and it’s the end of the world. It seems a strange time to want monogamous commitment for the rest of our lives when we could be dead tomorrow.”

Lena replied, “You know how I feel. I’m sorry. I’ve been ridiculous. Janiya, let’s go back. It’s just … it’s all sort of romantic, you know? You can’t blame a girl for getting all swept up in it.”

Janiya chuckled, “I know. I seem to remember someone attempting to fight a cougar for me and look where that got us.”

He could not make out the rest of the sounds before quiet returned.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Thegn woke,
smelling the chemical before he could see the fire. He rose, pressing his hands against the doors, trying to hear what was occurring outside. He could smell the fire, smell the sweat of humans running. His ghele raced as he tried to kick down the door. He pounded against the metal, screaming in Mokai for anyone to hear him.

The door clicked and he moved back to see Lena standing before him, the smoke filtering around her.

“We need to get out of here!” she shouted.

He grasped her hand as they fled down the hallways, his nails digging into her skin as they raced. She carried a weapon in her other hand, pointing it outward as they reached the entrance.

She coughed, cradling her stomach as they reached the full light of day. He could see the blisters on her skin. She led him forth, his eyes adjusting to the harsh yellow light. He heard the shot and saw one of the Mokai fall down into the snow. He saw the smoke rise from her weapon, pulling him forward into the disintegrated tree line. She paused at that moment, glancing at him for reaction. Perhaps she could not read his face, perhaps she did not care. Lena pulled him along and he did not resist.

As they ran, she grew fainter, stopping briefly to vomit in the scorched earth, her knees wobbling. Thegn picked her up, carrying her as the sun beat down around them, the snow melting underneath their feet. As he reached the summit of the hill, he looked back at the compound, which still smoked as others fled, the Mokai encroaching on them. It would be a slaughter on both sides, Thegn thought. Needless bloodshed between both their kinds.

Yet as Lena begged him to keep moving, he found he cared much less than he should. He went on, bending his head to keep her eyes out of the harsh light.

Thegn located a source of water as they reached the other side of the hill. The river was not quiet frozen, and he brought them down to drink. Lena stopped him, reaching in her coat for two hollow tubes.

“Drink through this,” she instructed, “it’ll make the water safer.”

Thegn did so, helping her to the water. She drank, holding her hair back behind her. When she finished, she looked up at him.

“We need to go south. There’s another shelter there. It’s not stocked anymore, but I can’t be in the daylight. If there are others, that is where they will go. If you still … if you still want to stay.”

“Why are there so many shelters?”

“Remnants of an older war. We used to use a lot of nuclear weapons. Most of the shelters were never used, but we were cautious. Especially here near the border. They’ve saved a lot of lives. But listen, you should go back to them. You know where they are, and I can make it on my own.”

“I do not wish to leave you,” Thegn admitted.

Lena smiled faintly, her dried lips cracking at the gesture, “We need to keep moving.”

Thegn offered her his hand and she accepted as he helped lift her to her feet. Her knees shook again and he picked her up. She curled into his chest as he continued their journey, trying to shelter her as best he could.

*

They arrived an hour later, Thegn kicking open the door and leading her inside. She sighed in relief as the door closed behind them and they made their way down into the dark.

“My retinas aren’t great anymore,” Lena explained. “You’re going to have to find out if there’s a source of power. If you find me a flashlight … never mind, you probably don’t know what that is. Others will come, and if not, my eyes will adjust in time. See for now if there is any water, otherwise we will have to go back to the river later when it is dark. I have a few bullets left, so we can hunt in the woods if there are no rations.”

“Rest for now,” Thegn insisted, helping her lie down on the concrete floor. He lay down beside her on his side, vaguely seeing her form in the dark. She reached out to him, stroking his arm. He moved closer, resting his head on her shoulder, his other arm wrapping around her.

She laughed, the sound turning into a cough as her lungs shook. He held her closer to him and she looked over in response. She smiled at him and he leaned in, mimicking the act of affection he had seen among the other humans. She laughed against his mouth and he found he enjoyed the sensation.

“And Dad was worried I’d bring home an American,” she teased, gently pushing him away.

Thegn did not quite understand the humor, but it was good to see her smile.

*

After their rest, Lena and Thegn explored the walls of the shelter until Thegn managed to find a box of panels. Lena took over, playing with switches and wires until an artificial light came on above them. She smiled, making her way over to the shelves and pulling a red bag off the shelf.

“Can you eat these?” she asked, bringing a small circular object out for him to sniff.

He tested it and nodded, taking it from her hand. He put it in his mouth and winced. She smirked, taking another one from the bag and sucking on it.

“There’s not much else,” she said, continuing through the supplies.

“Are those supplements?” he asked.

“Candies,” she explained. “Humans tend to have a sweet tooth. These help with sun exposure, settle our stomachs. I had a … I once had a friend who really liked these. We used to buy them in the marketplace, down by English Bay.”

“Is it strange to find them here?”

“No, just ironic,” she said quietly. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately.”

Thegn looked at her strangely and she said simply, “Never mind.”

Lena smiled and Thegn relaxed. Their hands met and he felt his fingers tremble underneath her touch.

“I may be reading you incorrectly, but if I am not, there is something I need to tell you,” Thegn said quietly. “There’s something you need to understand.”

“What’s wrong?” Lena asked, eyebrow raised.

“I am ghelu,” Thegn said quietly, “I am not supposed to… I do not know what you wish from me, but I do not know if I can give it to you.”

Lena did not reply, listening intently.

“They sent me because I am sworn to put the Goddess above all,” Thegn said softly. “My people might view that as serving the Elchai, but I view it as serving her. As part of my vows I am sworn to her, physically. Do you understand? My final act in this world is to help the Goddess conceive, help the Septun who serves her conceive. When my act is done, my life is done. I am to be killed. They would not put it that way, but that is what it is. No child can be related to the Goddess, there can be no half-mortal siblings. I am sworn to take no ferua, to abstain from all sexual contact until then. They cannot forbid love, but it is greatly discouraged, as you can imagine.”

“Do you actually believe in all that?”

Thegn paused in his response, his dreams of the white-cloaked Mokari ringing in his ears as they sang to him still. He did not know if he believed in them or if he was simply going mad.

He said honestly, “I did once, perhaps deep down I still do. I thought it was my fate. I thought it protected my people. What is the life of one man in order to ensure peace? And how many men can claim to be father of a living deity? I believe in the Goddess. I think I always will. I believe in the life thereafter. I believe in the promise of peace. But I do not think I must die for her; maybe that is vanity on my part. I would die for my Goddess, certainly, but I cannot help feeling that I give my life in a better way for her.”

“And what about love?” Lena asked.

“Love is what has kept me alive until now, isn’t it?” Thegn replied, “Love … love was never banned, but I never thought I could … that I would … now that it has happened, I can’t imagine it is that great a sin. How could this be a sin? What deity could not understand this? This simple feeling, this…”

Lena asked quietly, “Do you love me?”

Thegn did not reply at first. Love was the wrong word. In this language, there was no word for how he felt, this chaotic mix in his ghele, this devotion, this bond that had secured them to each other. He was as sworn to her now as he was to his Goddess, but this was a bond simply in this life, no other. It was physical more than any other emotion in his being. He felt it in his hands and feet as much as his heart. He could not explain, there were no words in any human tongue.

So he replied, “Yes.”

She swept him into a kiss. He felt his skin pale at her touch as her hands slipped down his body, feeling his chest and arms.

She pulled back. “I shouldn’t … we shouldn’t…”

He whispered, “I have already committed this sin in my heart.”

Thegn pulled Lena’s body close to his, feeling her heartbeat underneath her thin clothing. He removed enough of the clothing to reach her sex, relieved to see there was enough compatibility between them, even if it she was much smaller than most species his kind had mated with. He led the act, laying her against the ground, his body meeting hers as she groaned. She kissed him, hungry, angry. She said nothing, a few sighs and pants, as they moved together until the act was over.

He pulled from her, letting his genitals adjust again to his frame, the aching in his body relieved. She lay still against his chest, her breathing slower. He thought that perhaps she had fallen asleep and he petted her back affectionately.

Thegn felt himself drifting to sleep as Lena rose from the floor. He reached out for her and she patted his hand affectionately.

“I need to see what’s out there,” Lena said, putting on her clothing again. “Stay here. I know this area better than you do. Get some rest, Thegn.”

He obeyed, closing his eyes as he laid his head back down. He heard her leave, the door closing behind her. He had feared this moment; the first time he was alone after he had disregarded his vows. He had feared regret. But he knew then that he did not regret a thing. Perhaps it was vain of him, but he felt as if this act was honoring the Goddess in a different way, that this was what was needed of him. He decided this was merely his own egotism and went to sleep, the Mokari singing loudly to him in his dreams.