Stress: How to De-Stress without Doing Less (6 page)

‘The trouble is I have a pattern of stress making me stop what I am doing. When I was at school they put me in for my exams and I was expected to do well, but what actually happened was that I fell ill and ended up missing most and doing really badly in the exams I did sit. They said that the illness was stress – I don't really remember much about it now but I guess it probably was that. In the end, I left school and got a job as a secretary – I taught myself a lot of the skills and did an Open University course at home. That all went fine until they did promote me – to a manager's post that meant I was running a small office and in charge of a few staff. I did OK at first, but in the end I couldn't handle the stress and
I went off on long-term sick leave. I just felt really tearful all the time and the anxiety was dreadful – even something little such as going to the shops left me feeling sick with fear.

‘I decided to try and get some help after hearing a piece about stress on the television. I had always thought that this was just part of me – that I was weak in some way or a failure. But it made me realize that there might be something I could do about it – to change the effect stress had on me. I was fed up of it holding me back and I wanted to give it everything I had to see if I could change. I was referred to see a CBT [Cognitive Behavioural Therapy] practitioner, and started a process of looking at the way I was thinking and the things I believed about myself. I have to say it was hard work and the results weren't immediate, but now, a year or so on, I definitely see a difference in myself. It really made me challenge some of the assumptions I made and understand how things were affecting me. It's made me feel much more in control – and although I am still someone who is quite emotional, I feel much more able to handle it. I am thinking a lot about my future and planning to do some extra training so that I can get a better job. I think in the long run it will totally change my life.'

We end part one of this book, then, with a pretty good idea of what stress is and the way that it can affect us, in the short and long term. In the next part, we'll look a bit more at some of the common issues that are associated with stress and start to think about what we can do in order to protect ourselves from the health problems it can cause.

Before we move on though, now is a good time to think about why you are reading this book and what you want to get out of it. Whoever you are and however you got hold of this book, the chances are you are concerned about the issue of stress – either for yourself or for someone else. It may be that you are already experiencing some difficulties – physical or emotional – as a result of stress. Or you may have bought the book thinking of someone else who you feel sure is suffering as a result of stress. Some of you may have come to this point because you are aware of the stress you are under, perhaps as an inescapable part of the job you do or the lifestyle you lead. What all of us who meet here on this page have in common is that we are people who want to avoid the negative impact stress can have on our lives and the lives of those around us.

Stress and doing less

There is another issue that is important to mention because
it concerns a lot of the people I talk to about stress. In fact, I've already mentioned it in passing. Most people are very reluctant to come to see me, feeling that they know what I will say about stress and that it is something they don't want to hear. If stress is an issue for you, then to the people around you there seems one obvious solution: cut back on what you are doing and just do less! But the people who come to me struggle with that response. Some, quite rightly, point out that they are not doing
that
much – it's just that it seems to affect them particularly strongly. Others are simply not in a position where they can jettison the cause of their stress. If you are caring for an elderly relative, a young child or someone who is chronically ill, you cannot simply stop doing it because it makes your life stressful. And, particularly in difficult times, many people are forced to live lives in which they do pack things in, just to stay financially afloat. It isn't their choice but they are stuck with it. Finally, and, if we're honest, this fits for a lot of us, many people I talk to just don't want to do less! They're doing the things they do because they enjoy them and are passionate about them. So, the stressful job, the out-of-hours volunteering, juggling work and family life – lots of us do those things because we like to live that way. As one person explained to me, ‘I did try doing a less stressful job. I did it and I was good at it, and it worked, kind of. People said to me that I seemed much less stressed, much more healthy. But I was bored. And I didn't feel fulfilled. So I only lasted a year.'

Learning to handle stress well

The reality is that, for whatever reason, a lot of us find ourselves needing to learn to cope with situations in which
stress is thrown at us, often on a daily basis. If you are one of those people, then this book is for you. It is true that your problems with stress would probably improve if you did less. However, if you want, intend or need to continue living on the edge, then it is vital that you learn how to handle stress well. On top of that, you may well find it helpful to look at some things that might make you more prone to stress. There may be things about the way you think, or about the way you handle certain emotions or situations, that you might be able to change in order to make you more effective at resisting the impact of stress. This is particularly key if you are one of those people who thinks that they don't actually do
that
much, but seem always to end up fighting stress. It may be that there is something about the way you approach life that makes you more prone to stress. Finally, and most importantly, if there is one thing that anyone who wants to live a life impacted by stress must learn – one golden rule – it's this: you must find an effective way to take time out and relax!

There is a very good reason why all this is so important. Very often the kinds of people who are most at risk of stress are those who genuinely have a great deal of potential. They are often academically clever, as well as resourceful and capable. They are driven, but also organized and capable of achieving success. Perhaps most importantly, they are passionate people who tend genuinely to care about what they do and want to do it well. This makes them very valuable people to have around. We might say that those people were created with that gift of being able to get things done and achieve a lot. Certainly these people are not likely to be limited in life by their ability. Throughout their life and work, they will improve their skills and become more efficient and able in what they do, but if something is going to stop them
from progressing, or cause them problems, it is unlikely to be related to how good they are at what they do. The reality is that the thing most likely to hold you back if you are in this group is the way you handle the stress and pressure that you will most likely find yourself under.

How many times have you heard a story like this one?

 

John is in his thirties and works for a large well-known company. He has always done pretty well at whatever he has put his mind to, coming out of school with good grades and getting a good degree. After university he wanted to find a job that challenged him, so he started a management training scheme and, true to form, did pretty well, eventually being offered the job he still does now. He enjoys work and likes the buzz of deadlines, but he struggles with the long hours and the demands his work places on him. He wanted to do something worthwhile, so he has also become involved with volunteering at a local scout group. That is hard work too, but they really need him: there aren't many people to run it and he is very aware that if he didn't turn up one week, it probably wouldn't happen. John wants to enjoy what he is doing, and people around him tell him that he is doing really well, but lately he has started to find it all a bit of a strain. He worries a lot about decisions he has made at work, and often works late into the night trying to get reports done really well so that his boss will be happy. He used to go out a lot to meet friends but recently there hasn't been time, so since he started work, his only friends are the people he sees there. He tries not to show it but, if he's honest, he is starting to struggle with the pressure. He worries about losing his job – his company has laid some people off recently – and he also finds the scout group preying on his mind because he is so aware of how much it depends on him. He has started to have trouble sleeping and finds he wakes early in the morning and cannot get back to sleep, although at least
this means he gets into work early, which makes a good impression. Recently he's had to see the doctor about some stomach trouble he's been having, and he knows he is drinking too much, but he just needs to wind down sometimes after a hard day.

 

That story isn't a real one, but it is based on elements that are common to almost all the experiences I have heard from people who are struggling with stress. All are people who have great potential and are very able at what they do. This means they are greatly in demand, but often they do not share the level of belief in themselves that others seem to have, which means they are prone to anxiety. Often they take on lots of different responsibilities and find themselves juggling these many demands on their time. As a result, time for themselves and things they used to do for fun gets pushed out or just becomes yet another demand.

Some people who live life like this – and there are lots of us! – manage to carry on with this level of stress. But for most, the level of stress life places them under will take its toll. People differ in how much they are able to carry and in what it is that pushes them outside their coping zone. Some people find that something stops them in their tracks fairly early on and makes them reassess what they are doing. Often they are forced to give up some of the things they love in order to create some time to recover. Some people show a pattern of this: taking lots on and throwing themselves into things, then struggling with stress and having to cut back. You may know someone like this or recognize it in yourself. The tragedy is that sometimes these people are labelled as unreliable, weak or ‘over-emotional' as a result. They may be given less responsibility or overlooked for promotion because of their apparent inability to ‘take the pressure'. But the fact is
that there is nothing wrong with their abilities; they just need to learn how to deal with stress so that their potential can be properly released. People like John live life on a tightrope, working hard each day to keep upright but knowing at the back of their mind that they are pushing themselves to the limit. It's a hard way to live.

So, how do you know if you are in that place right now?

What are the early warning signs and symptoms of stress? You can see a list of some of the common signs in figure 7 on the next page. But very often you can trust your own judgment. You probably know in your heart of hearts if you are pushing the limits. Watch for the fleeting thoughts that show that you are at the edge of what you can handle. You might find yourself worrying about the responsibility you are under, or thinking, even for a moment, that you cannot cope. Or you might see other emotional signs of the strain you are under. Some people find that they become more emotional, reacting to things that wouldn't usually get to them. Remember, if your stress baseline has been raised so it is right near the crisis zone, everyday little things might feel much more major. People might say that you are over reacting, or you might feel that yourself. The chances are that you are just a human being struggling with too much stress.

For some people, of course, physical issues are the first thing to come to a head. Starting to find that you are frequently unwell – whatever form that takes – can quickly become a vicious cycle as you become under further pressure because you are missing things. Do act fast if you suspect, or are told, that stress might be a contributing factor. Remember, it is not
a sign of weakness to find that stress is having an impact on you. Often people ignore those physical warning signs – men especially – or see them as annoying niggles that get in the way instead of genuine and important warnings that your body is under strain. Dealing more effectively with stress needn't be about giving things up; it is about changing the way you do things, but doing so to become
more
productive, not less! Ultimately, learning how to handle stress will make you more effective, more able, and help you to carry more, not less.

 

Figure 7: Early warning signs of stress