Stuff Hipsters Hate (14 page)
Read Stuff Hipsters Hate Online
Authors: Brenna Ehrlich,Andrea Bartz
CVS (ALSO, DUANE READE AND, TO A LESSER EXTENT, WALGREEN’S)
MICROWAVES
BACHELOR PADS
TRADITIONAL CLOTHING RECEPTACLES
IKEA
Have you ever seen a true hipster in a chain pharmacy? Clutching a red basket and waiting to check out amongst the razors, batteries and faint smell of deodorant? No, because they’d rather support the local economy and stop at the bodega by their apartment to buy condoms, ice cream sandwiches, Orbit gum and a 40 of Sparks (ironically, of course) from their good friend Ramon. He jokes about their creative hairstyle and puts napkins in the generic “Thank you!”- emblazoned plastic bag, and that’s something Donna at CVS would never do. Plus, Ramon’s Hand-E-Mart makes the perfect spot to get smashed between boozy gallery openings and 9 p.m. open bars on Thursday nights.
CHAPTER 6
AMENITIES
[CASE STUDY]Every time Leroy C. has a new visitor inside his apartment, he’s immediately asked, “Did you just move in?” Leroy’s answer: “Nah, man. I’ve lived here for... seven years now?” Leroy’s abode lacks many typical accouterments, but does contain a whole mess of booby traps, such that navigating your way through his living space is akin to going after the Lost Ark (see:
Indiana Jones
). Let us tour via annotated blueprints his actual apartment:
While we’ve already broken down the neighborhood and basic dwelling situation of your common hipster (see Chapter 5), we have yet to delve deeper into the bowels of his native environment. Most of humankind functions by way of the nesting principle, seeking to add more and more possessions to one’s dwelling space as a way of making it habitable, welcoming and an appropriate locale for cocktail functions, dinner parties and watching
Lost
. Surplus funds go toward the latest and greatest electronics, the most expansive sofa and scores of knick-knacks, such as Precious Moments porcelain figurines.
Lost
. Surplus funds go toward the latest and greatest electronics, the most expansive sofa and scores of knick-knacks, such as Precious Moments porcelain figurines.
In this way, one establishes a sense of permanence, home. Like weary pilgrims stepping onto a foreign shore and claiming it by way of planting crops (putting down roots, if you will), most work toward achieving a living situation in which all needs are met in a suite of rooms: nourishment, entertainment, sexual pleasure and the fabled home office. Heck, most of the country would happily move into a self-sustaining biodome if that were a feasible option.
The hipster, however, would rather exude an air of being in transit—you know, like a hobo. To a hipster, settling down indicates that you have reached a metaphorical end stage; you have fluffed your tail feathers and lowered yourself onto your glistening nest egg, content to warm your bones by the hearth of matching china and purring housecats until Death comes creeping to your bedroom door. But as we know, a hipster is always seeking something larger, shinier and more magnificent. He is driven more by his inner whims and desires than by his need for things (with the exception of narcotics, cool new headphones and Salvation Army clothing).
Therefore, a home becomes merely a place to rest one’s head. One does not have time to watch the latest hot block of primetime programming when one is always hustling toward artistic genius. (Besides, one can always catch up on
America’s Next Top Model
via Megavideo.com at 4 a.m.—for free, at that.) Although a hipster’s home is often slowly going to seed (light bulbs guttering into darkness, dirt caking the floors, cheese moldering in the vegetable crisper), the hipster does not care. In his mind, those four walls only amount to a pit stop, so even if he occupies an abode for years, he will never acquire proper kitchen utensils (he cannot cook, anyway), receptacles for his clothing (the floor works just as well) or any of the other niceties of home, aside from the occasional housekitten.
America’s Next Top Model
via Megavideo.com at 4 a.m.—for free, at that.) Although a hipster’s home is often slowly going to seed (light bulbs guttering into darkness, dirt caking the floors, cheese moldering in the vegetable crisper), the hipster does not care. In his mind, those four walls only amount to a pit stop, so even if he occupies an abode for years, he will never acquire proper kitchen utensils (he cannot cook, anyway), receptacles for his clothing (the floor works just as well) or any of the other niceties of home, aside from the occasional housekitten.
Moreover, there is an underlying laziness
19
that prevents a hipster from acquiring a dining room table or a new shower curtain. This ennui often wears the mask of martyrdom. As we’ve discussed, a hipster’s daily calendar is as changeable as the colors of a particularly pollution-spun sunset. Although he may swear he will make the trek to Target tomorrow to purchase an air conditioner, he will likely either fail to muster the strength to board the bus, or he will be distracted by a party or a vigorous bout of collaging. Consequently, he will put off the task until “tomorrow.”
19
that prevents a hipster from acquiring a dining room table or a new shower curtain. This ennui often wears the mask of martyrdom. As we’ve discussed, a hipster’s daily calendar is as changeable as the colors of a particularly pollution-spun sunset. Although he may swear he will make the trek to Target tomorrow to purchase an air conditioner, he will likely either fail to muster the strength to board the bus, or he will be distracted by a party or a vigorous bout of collaging. Consequently, he will put off the task until “tomorrow.”
In the meantime, he will begin to adapt to the intense summer heat; what’s more, he will begin to
look down
on those who complain about the intense summer heat. He will come to enjoy the feeling of suffering, and of disdain for anyone who wastes the copious electricity necessitated by central air. The lack of this amenity becomes a badge of honor, and the hipster decides he does not, in fact, need such a frivolous nicety.
20
Besides, by the time he works up the energy to actually make it to Target, winter has come and his apartment is shrouded in a cold chill. At this point, he begins the process anew with such amenities as space heaters, extra blankets and warm food.
look down
on those who complain about the intense summer heat. He will come to enjoy the feeling of suffering, and of disdain for anyone who wastes the copious electricity necessitated by central air. The lack of this amenity becomes a badge of honor, and the hipster decides he does not, in fact, need such a frivolous nicety.
20
Besides, by the time he works up the energy to actually make it to Target, winter has come and his apartment is shrouded in a cold chill. At this point, he begins the process anew with such amenities as space heaters, extra blankets and warm food.
Extreme hipsters consider microwaves just another obesity-causing invention that modern society has convinced us we can’t live without, like washing machines, Big Business, automobiles and health care. (
Pay $900 a year when I can theoretically visit the free clinics [or just have Mom pay for my dentist visit when I go home]? Fuck that.
) Hipsters show off that additional counter space with pride. (It’s there somewhere, I swear, under the two-and-a-half-foot-tall Tower of Pisa of crusted-over dishes.)
Pay $900 a year when I can theoretically visit the free clinics [or just have Mom pay for my dentist visit when I go home]? Fuck that.
) Hipsters show off that additional counter space with pride. (It’s there somewhere, I swear, under the two-and-a-half-foot-tall Tower of Pisa of crusted-over dishes.)
“Wow. What a fine selection of movie posters you have. Am I correct in noting that they all feature the films of Robert De Niro? Well, isn’t that lovely? You truly have created a singularly glorious color scheme that in no way resembles the dull greens, blacks and reds found in most popular video games that prominently feature handguns and hookers. Cozy. And, no, your ardent love for
The Matrix
is neither trite nor exhaustively obvious. Perhaps we could even watch it later on that mammoth flatscreen TV, hulking there in the corner next to that rather sizable video game console. I could relax luxuriously on this leather couch (still reeking of the poor animal that was forced to give up its life so that you could put the moves on Trixies who get all embarrassed when the leather squelches with their every motion), put my feet up on this futuristic-looking glass coffee table laden with vintage
Playboy
s and partake in a Coors from that sweet mini-fridge.
The Matrix
is neither trite nor exhaustively obvious. Perhaps we could even watch it later on that mammoth flatscreen TV, hulking there in the corner next to that rather sizable video game console. I could relax luxuriously on this leather couch (still reeking of the poor animal that was forced to give up its life so that you could put the moves on Trixies who get all embarrassed when the leather squelches with their every motion), put my feet up on this futuristic-looking glass coffee table laden with vintage
Playboy
s and partake in a Coors from that sweet mini-fridge.
And, if you’re really lucky, maybe we will take this party over to your king-sized bed, which appears to be laden with more pillows and cushions than my Aunt Margie’s nursing home twin. I severely doubt that you hand-crocheted those black leather numbers, though. Am I right? I assume that you will have to remove each and every pillow first, though, thereby creating enough room to—Oh, wait…what the fuck am I saying? There’s no way in hell that I would ever sleep with you. I will take that Coors, though.”
—Tulia L., 28, bike messenger and dancer
Clothes on the floor
A hardwood floor conveniently serves as both hamper and dresser to a hipster. Outfit-making is easy when all your options are equally crumpled, easily spotted and all sporting an identical film of cigarette ash and dust.
A hardwood floor conveniently serves as both hamper and dresser to a hipster. Outfit-making is easy when all your options are equally crumpled, easily spotted and all sporting an identical film of cigarette ash and dust.
Clothes on the bed
These were peeled off and intended for the laundry after the owner thoroughly dampened them at Pete’s dance party (where the impromptu jazz saxophone/acoustic guitar battle was so vigorous the group sweated out all the whiskey they’d consumed). But now that he’s grown accustomed to the smell, he’s loath to remove the heap, which doubles as an extra layer on chilly nights.
These were peeled off and intended for the laundry after the owner thoroughly dampened them at Pete’s dance party (where the impromptu jazz saxophone/acoustic guitar battle was so vigorous the group sweated out all the whiskey they’d consumed). But now that he’s grown accustomed to the smell, he’s loath to remove the heap, which doubles as an extra layer on chilly nights.
Clothes on the windowsill
The owner’s not sure how these articles ended up here (maybe during that drunken hook-up with Jess?), but they’ve been serving as a nice window insulator for several weeks now.
The owner’s not sure how these articles ended up here (maybe during that drunken hook-up with Jess?), but they’ve been serving as a nice window insulator for several weeks now.
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