Submit and Surrender (26 page)

The entire city laid out before them, glittering, shining, pulsing with the beat of millions of people living their lives. It was huge and humbling. It was Los Angeles at peace.

“This is what I wanted you to see,” she said softly.

Ford didn’t have the words.

Instead he turned the truck around, carefully, in this tiny little enclave, so that the bed of the truck faced out on the opening in the canyons that gave them that view. Then he grabbed the blankets he always kept with him, helped Adra down, and set them both up in the bed of his truck, looking out over his adopted city.

“This is beautiful, Adra,” he said. They were both sitting in the back of his truck with their legs hanging over the edge, side by side. He reached over and put his hand over hers.

She was so warm and small. After a moment, she turned her hand over, and laced her fingers with his.

“No one knows about it,” Adra said. “I found it by accident once in high school, getting lost on my way to a party. After that I came up here all the time.”

Ford grinned at her. “You and your high school boyfriend?”

“No,” she said, nudging him. “Just me. This spot was always just for me. I came up here whenever I needed to feel…I don’t know. Like it could all work out.”

She was staring hard out at the city when she said that.

And then she looked directly at him, with her heart in her eyes. It made Ford ache to his core.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she said. “I just wanted you to feel differently than I saw you feel back there.”

It washed over him, the weirdest sensation, knowing this woman he’d kill for was trying to protect him. It was like being in a dream world, some place he hadn’t really let himself think about, he’d been so focused on taking care of her. He hadn’t even conceived of how he might let her in, and here she was, knocking on the door.

For possibly the first time in his life, Ford didn’t know what to say.

Then Adra smiled a little shyly. “Ok, you kind of had me. I did come out here after the first time I got my heart broken.”

“And?” he said.

Adra started to laugh. “And I promised myself that I would keep trusting people, no matter what happened, no matter how much it hurt. God, did
that
turn out to be stupid.”

Ford threw his head back and laughed harder than he had in years.

“Christ, the both of us, messed up in the head,” he said. “It was that obvious there was something up back there, huh?”

“Not to anyone else,” she said.

“Yeah, I bet not,” Ford said.

He couldn’t stop looking at her.

The truth was, seeing Adra with little Andrew had hit him in a place he’d thought was long dead, and it had woken him the hell up. It was like being jerked out of a dream. He’d known he loved Adra, but this…

He’d seen the woman he loved with the child he’d thought would be his, and all of a sudden he saw a future for himself again.

It wasn’t even a decision. It was a realization. He was helpless before this woman.

Ford impulsively lifted Adra up and pulled her sideways into his lap, wanting his arms around her, and felt a low, satisfied rumble in his throat as she relaxed into him. This was better. He looked at her troubled face, and then he kissed her.

She’d need to feel steady for this.

“When Claudia was pregnant,” he said as he pulled away, telling this story for the first time in years, “I thought the baby was mine. Up until she gave birth, I thought he was mine. We’d separated by then, but it was only after that I found out how long the affair had been going on. Andrew is Jesse’s natural son, but I thought…”

“Oh, Ford,” Adra said softly.

“I thought I had a son,” he said simply.

“Ford,” she whispered.

Her doe eyes were full of tears, and that he hated to see. He knew it wasn’t pity; it was love. And more than that, it was Adra. Adra felt everyone’s pain even more than she felt her own. It made her the best friend on the planet to everyone she met, and it made Ford want to wrap her in his arms and take her away from anything bad that could ever happen.

“I’m ok, Adra,” he said. And he realized it was true. “I wasn’t, for a while. Claudia and me, we weren’t right. We never should have gotten married, but we were young and dumb and it happened. I got over her and Jesse. But Andrew…”

He shook his head, and kissed a tear off of Adra’s cheek.

“I had a hard time trusting people after that,” Ford said.

And he realized suddenly that he was using the past tense. There was only one reason for that, and she was sitting in his lap at that very moment, her fingers toying with the lapels of his jacket. That’s why he could see a future for himself: he didn’t just love Adra, he trusted her. He trusted the person he knew her to be.

He hadn’t been all that different from Adra, really—they both had all these scars from experiences that taught them not to believe in anyone. Those scars just showed up in different places. But Ford was done being the walking wounded. He fucking
loved
this woman, more than he’d known was possible, and that made it easy to do whatever he had to do.

Even if that meant putting it all on the line.

“Adra,” he said gently.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t have that problem anymore,” he said. “I trust you.”

Wait.

Watch her.

Adra exhaled a slow, shaky breath.

“So we’re doing this now?” she said.

“Not all at once,” he said.

He brushed her hair out of her face, flying around in the breeze, and kissed her again.

“You’re scared,” he said.

“I’m fucking terrified,” she said. She looked up at Ford, her eyes shining. “You have to be the brave one, ok?”

Ford didn’t hesitate. If he’d thought it was about bravery, it would have been done ages ago. But it was about letting them come into their own. And maybe they were finally ready.

“You are the love of my life,” he said. “I didn’t know I needed anybody, but I need you. I need you to be happy. Whatever else happens, Adra, I need to know that you’re happy. The rest doesn’t matter.”

Adra blinked, and tears fell down her cheeks. She shuddered in his arms and he held her tighter.

“You know I love you, too,” she finally said, her voice small. “And, oh God, I need you, Ford. I do. It scares the crap out of me, but I do.”

“I’m never going to let anything happen to you,” he said.

He had never meant anything more in his entire life.

And then Adra began to cry.

He couldn’t hold her tight enough.

“But I don’t know if it will work,” she said. “I don’t know if I can do it. What if it doesn’t…what if we—”

“Shhh,” he said. “We have time. We have all the time in the world to figure it out. Slowly, ok?”

“Slowly,” she said, nodding against his chest.

“Snail’s pace,” he said.

“Geological time,” she said, and he could feel her smile against him.

“There will be stalagmites that give us a run for our money.”

She breathed deeply, let it out, and looked up at him.

He wanted to preserve that moment. The look on her face. The naked love there, and yeah, the bravery. Ford might never know what he did to deserve having Adra in his life, but he’d damn well make sure he lived up to privilege.

“So this is really happening,” she said.

He laughed. “I was wondering how long it was going to take you to figure that out.”

“We’ve both got…I mean, we’ve both got issues, let’s be honest. And I’ve hurt you already—”

“No, we hurt each other, because we were idiots.” He shrugged. “And nobody makes it to thirty without some sexy battle scars.”

“You are pretty damn sexy,” she admitted, and smiled.

Fuck, that smile.

He could look at her face all day, every day. If he were lucky, he would get to. But right now, in this moment, he let himself fall a little bit more in love with her. He let himself look into her eyes and see that she was feeling the same thing, that they both knew they stood together on the cusp of something, that she was scared and thrilled and everything in between, and that Ford…

Ford couldn’t feel anything but love. He could see that she was scared, he could see that she was wound up, that she felt out of control, but all he felt was love.

And he knew exactly what Adra needed next.

Holy shit. Holy, holy shit
.

Adra kept repeating it to herself on the drive back to Ford’s house, her arm resting up by her window, her head in one hand while Ford held the other. She couldn’t stop smiling, either, looking over at him occasionally.

Yeah, this was happening.

It was that same feeling you got on a roller coaster that moment when you knew it was really happening.

Maybe not the best analogy.

She squeezed his hand and tried to calm herself down, but it was no use. Of course it wasn’t. She’d spent years trying to make sure she never felt the things she was feeling right now; she was totally out of practice at it. It was like a giant weight had been lifted off of her, a weight that she’d carried so long that she’d forgotten it was there—pretending that she wasn’t in love with Ford. The feeling of suddenly being free was almost like subspace.

It was amazing.

She could handle it. Probably. She was overloaded, but she could handle it.

Adra shared a look with Ford then looked down at her hand. It was shaking.

He saw it, too.

“Oh my God,” Adra said, laughing lightly. “I am such a nutcase. Did you know that, falling in love with me? Total nutcase?”

Ford smiled at the road. “It’s part of your charm,” he said.

“Then I have got plenty of charm for you, mister. Get ready to be charmed. I will charm you to within an inch of your life.”

Adra heard the distinctive crunch of Ford’s gravel drive and looked ahead to see his house illuminated in the distance by the headlights.

“No, that’s not what we’ll be doing,” Ford said.

It was the voice. That easy confidence. That utter certainty.

Without another word, Ford got out of the truck and walked around to her side. Adra didn’t move. By the time he opened her door, she was breathing quickly. Shallowly.

He had that look.

“Get out of the car,” he said, and offered his hand.

Adra tried. But as she swung her legs out, Ford stopped her, looking at her heels and frowning.

Then he picked her up.

Now
she was overloaded.

He carried her like that, heart thudding against her chest so hard that she was sure he felt it in his, her arms around his neck, her body melded to his, up the front walk and…

Around to the back gardens?

She hadn’t spent a whole lot of time out there since she’d been staying with Ford. In fact, she’d spent more time with Ford, usually naked, than anything else, and they’d both been so busy that she never got to use the pool or anything else.

She didn’t know the grounds very well in the dark, but she definitely recognized that fire pit between the Jacuzzi and the pool. And the crazy modern sculpture thing right next to it.

She’d always wondered about that sculpture. It was like a giant burnished circle of metal that pivoted, tilting with the sun, or…

Oh
.

It wasn’t a sculpture. Or it was, but it was also…functional. You could see the restraint attachments if you were really, really looking.

Ford put her down right in front of it.

“Step into it,” he said.

Hesitantly, Adra stepped under the upper arch of the thing and looked up. It must have been seven foot in diameter, fixed on the sides to support poles so that it could…spin.

Ford had taken the lid off a nearby bench that apparently doubled as storage. Adra recognized the restraints he removed—soft leather, strong chains.

She took a very deep breath.

He didn’t speak as he tied her up. Just his hands on her body, positioning her where he wanted her, making sure she stayed there. Her arms were above her head, bound by wrist cuffs attached to chains. Her legs were spread, her ankles bound the same way, her dress riding up almost to her ass.

Every cuff brought her a little higher. Every restraint…

She was panting by the time he was done.

And then he walked away.

Not too far, but far enough that she ached with it. That the anticipation, as he patiently lit the fire pit, became unbearable. That when he finally looked at her again, the flames high and warm behind him, she actually moaned softly.

Oh God.

He studied her for a moment.

Then he came back, his eyes locked on hers, pulled her head back, and kissed her.