Sudden Death (33 page)

Carmen loved Chinese food. Harriet arranged a sumptuous feast at their rented house, catered by the best Chinese restaurant in London. The owner of the restaurant set the table and brought food on chafing dishes. As he walked out the door, Carmen walked in.

“My hero.” Harriet rushed forward to kiss her.

Carmen was ecstatic with her win. “What’s this?”

“Dinner is served. Are you starved?”

“This is great.” Carmen sat down.

As they ate the delicious food, Harriet told Carmen how proud she was of her victory, how she was halfway to the Slam, and how she loved her. Carmen commented on the food and a few memorable points from the match.

“Isn’t it funny to be eating Chinese food in England?” Harriet mused.

“Yeah.”

“Today I was thinking that society is like a Chinese vase, one of those giant vases. Each generation puts on a layer of lacquer. The older the society, the deeper, richer, more beguiling the texture of the vase, but if little hairline cracks aren’t repaired, then one day the whole structure collapses.”

Abruptly, since she didn’t know how to work up to it, Carmen blurted, “I’m not coming out.”

“I haven’t asked you to.”

Harriet’s pride in Carmen’s victory evaporated. What was to be a lovely supper was turning into sour grapes. “I can only tell you that I must answer to myself. I wasn’t born to be a liar.”

“Oh. And I am?”

“In a word, yes.”

“Why the hell should I take the risk? Why my neck on the block? I want a nice house, a lot of fun, no hassles. I’ve hurt no one, and I don’t want anyone to hurt me.”

“Sometimes a few of us must take great risks so many of us will take small risks.”

“You can be the Messiah. And losing your job is not as important as my losing mine! You and your truth kick. It’s nobody’s business how I live my life.”

“As to the truth, current feeling is that no one side should possess more than fifty-five percent of it.”

“I thought you owned it all.”

“Listen, smartass, you win Wimbledon and come home spoiling for a fight. I try to tell the truth as best I can, but no one sees the whole picture, no one even sees the total truth about themselves.”

“I’m worried about my career. I can’t have anything interfere with the Slam. Can’t you be quiet for six months?”

“The damage, as you might put it, is already done. I can’t take back what I said.”

“You don’t have to say it again.”

“No, I don’t.” Harriet couldn’t eat. She played with the silverware.

“Maybe you should go home and think it over. I’ll go on to Los Angeles alone.”

“I have nothing to think over, Carmen. I will not base my associations with other human beings on lies. It took me my whole life to come to that conclusion. I won’t say that you’re gay. I’ll say nothing but I can’t lie about myself. I wish to God we’d all stop lying. I wish every gay person and bisexual person in America had a blue dot in the middle of her forehead so she couldn’t devour herself with deceit, anxiety, and fear, that’s what I wish!”

“You’re nuts.”

“Maybe I am. I think people should live their lives as they see fit. Do I want to be loved for what I am not or hated for what I am? Is that the only choice? Surely there must be some heterosexuals who don’t hate us.”

“This isn’t philosophy, it’s survival,” Carmen sneered.

“Survival is philosophy.”

“You’re so clever, Harriet. You can twist anything your way. I’m sick of it.”

“You’re sick of me.”

“Don’t tell me what I feel. I don’t need you to define everything for me, thank you very much.”

“You have Bonnie Marie Bishop.”

Carmen’s face curdled. “How’d you find out?”

“You left a secret trail of guilt. You’ve been banging away for the last two weeks. God knows, I haven’t been getting any.”

Carmen composed herself. “She’s very nice.”

“It’s not for me to approve your lover. You can’t expect me to feel good about her or you right now.”

“If I’m with someone else, it’s your fault.”

“I hope not.”

“You only go looking when things aren’t good at home.”

This cut Harriet to the quick. First of all, she didn’t believe that. People need various things at various times. When lovers are used as weapons, that’s different from one person needing another. Right now everything was mixed up worse than a dog’s breakfast. Harriet was hanging on by her fingernails. She alternated between rage and horrible grief, and she didn’t want to let either emotion out.

Throwing her shoulders back, Carmen sat straight in her chair. “This is as good a time as any. I’ve been meaning to tell you about Lavinia’s plan.”

“What?”

“She’s found a man I can marry.”

Stunned, Harriet gripped the edge of the table. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am serious.” Her dark face betrayed no emotion.

“Is he gay?”

“I don’t know. His name is Timothy Meeker. I’ll meet him next week. He lives in Los Angeles.”

“It’s cruel to pretend to be something you’re not to a heterosexual man. He has a heart, too.”

“This is strictly business. He goes on salary.” Carmen already committed herself to this course of action. There was
no turning back. She would have to find it within herself to justify what she was doing.

“It’s crazy.”

“It makes perfect sense.”

An enormous amount of information had just been dumped on Harriet’s head, all of it bad. “What about your new girl friend?” This was said with as much defiance as curiosity.

“She thinks it’s great. She doesn’t want anyone to know about her either.”

“Two liars are better than one, I guess.”

“That’s not fair!”

“By no stretch of the imagination can what you are doing be called fair.” Harriet bristled. “What are you doing? You’re entangling yourself in a web of deceit.”

“People want to think of me a certain way. They’ll believe what I tell them. You know that. People are stupid.” An edge of bitterness crept into her voice. “Anyway, movie stars do it all the time.”

“That doesn’t make it right.”

“Why don’t you shove it? You’re not my conscience. After my career, I can do as I please.”

“After this, you won’t be the same person.”

“What do you mean?” A flicker of comprehension flared in Carmen’s eyes, then subsided.

“Every act a person commits in her life marks her. What you do, you carry. It’s like a stain on the soul.”

“Oh, bullshit.”

“Actions have consequences, Carmen, even though they may be years or decades down the line. What you are doing will haunt you the rest of your life, and I don’t give a shit how many cars, furs, jewels, homes, or women you buy.”

“What you need is a pulpit,” Carmen sneered.

“You put a price on yourself. You sold out, plain and simple. For what, Carmen? The good opinion of people you
wouldn’t like if you met them? For money? Even if it is millions of dollars, your integrity is worth more than any amount anyone can pay you. How are you going to look at yourself in the mirror, knowing what you’ve done? You’ve squandered your integrity.”

“You’re so out of it. You’re such a silly idealist. I’m going to have a wonderful life! I can do anything I want. And I can do it with someone who appreciates me. You always tried to make me what I wasn’t.”

“I tried to help you find yourself. The Carmen I love wouldn’t lie.”

“I knew you never really understood me.”

“What kind of person would ask you to erode your self-respect?”

An uneasy silence settled over the sumptuously appointed table.

What neither of them said was that Carmen was panic-stricken to be alone. Her career concern was a cover for deeper issues. One can only succeed if she embraces that which she fears most. Carmen was nowhere near facing her loneliness, which could change into solitude, then self-knowledge. She needed her personality tossed back to her just as she needed the ball returned from the other side of the court.

“Why are you doing this?” A tear ran down the side of Harriet’s nose.

“Because I don’t trust you anymore. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have told everyone you were a lesbian. You don’t care about me or my career. You only care about yourself.”

“I’ve fucked up my career. I’ve tagged along from one country to another, one empty place to another empty place.”

“I didn’t ask you to do it.”

“Then why did you cry and tell me to resign my post? Why did you call me five times a day and cry when we were apart? Was that not asking me?”

Carmen became red in the face. “I’m not asking you now.”

“But you did, and I’m thirty-six years old, and altering my life at this stage is scary as hell. At twenty-four you think you can always start over. Life is an invitation to beginnings. I’m at a different place in my life than you are, and you’re playing fast and loose, not just with my head, but with my career. God, I was a fool to think you meant what you said. You said you’d take care of me.”

“I pay the bills.”

“How dare you use that against me after you begged me to stop working!”

Carmen hated knowing that she broke her word. “I have no control over my heart. I’m allowed to make a mistake.”

“But which one of us is the mistake? And what about the other women who were your lovers before me?”

She couldn’t take this. Carmen wanted everything easy. Yesterday was yesterday and it didn’t apply to today. Past lovers were forgotten or fondly remembered on occasion. She changed the subject. “Miguel is in big trouble. He owes Amalgamated Banks over six hundred thousand dollars.”

“What?”

“He took out a loan for six hundred thousand dollars plus interest and forged my signature as his cosigner.”

“What’s that got to do with us?”

“I’ll lose a lot of money if I don’t go straight. Miguel has been in on a counterfeit clothing deal. Oh, don’t even ask. The point is, if sales drop and he can’t pay the loan, I have to come up with the money.”

“Carmen, I liked you better when it was your heart you worried about.”

“You don’t care about me or my career. Anyone else would be frantic. Bonnie Marie is sick over Miguel’s mess.”

Harriet slapped her. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Rubbing her face, Carmen said, “I never did trust you.”

“Why don’t you just shut up?” Harriet got up and walked out the door, closing it behind her.

Carmen raced for the phone, hysterical. “Bonnie Marie, I told her. She hit me! I hate her!”

The conversation then took the predictable turn. Bonnie Marie loved her. Yes, Harriet was an awful person. They’d be together within twenty-four hours, and everything would be all right. It had to be.

Ricky massaged Harriet’s feet. It was his cure for everything.

“I don’t understand why I feel so bad. I’ve seen friends go through this.”

“It’s new to you.” Ricky pointed out the obvious.

“Here, drink this.” Jane handed her a vodka gimlet.

“I don’t drink.”

“We all know that, but there’s always a first time. You’ll. spend the night here. Tomorrow morning I’ll go back with you to pack your stuff, and we can all fly back to New York.”

“It’s all been too much for her.” Harriet did drink the gimlet.

“Sweetheart, you paid the price of love. Now you’re paying the tax. The sooner you forget it, the better off you’ll be.”

“My God, Jane, we own a house together. We made a life together.”

“So have plenty of others. Divorce ain’t no free ride on a pink duck.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Harriet quizzed Jane.

“Just that it’s a bitch. It’s a bitch for her, too, but Carmen won’t find that out for years.”

“Lavinia wins one more Wimbledon.” Ricky brought in a
pillow and blankets for Harriet, already drowsy from the vodka. “I hope the sofa’s comfortable.”

“It’s fine.”

Jane put the covers around her. “Night.”

“Night, you guys. Thanks for this.”

“Come on.” Ricky kissed her cheek.

Before she conked out, Harriet said, “In God’s army, I’m on latrine duty.”

Mount Desert Island of Maine was a crystal mecca. The water was pure, the air sparkled, the rugged landscape cleansed the soul. The people, whether summer or year-round residents, were solid. Susan Reilly and Alicia Brinker repaired there after Wimbledon.