Suddenly You (17 page)

Feeling dazed, Amanda could barely manage a reply. Since their affair had begun, they had taken measures to prevent pregnancy, and this was the first time that Jack had left the outcome to chance. She tried to calculate the most likely days for conception. “It's all right, I think,” she murmured, placing her hand on the side of his face. Although she could not see his expression, she felt the tautness of his jaw, and a terrible sense of unease came over her.

 

“Sophia!” Amanda exclaimed in disbelief. She hurried across the little entrance hall of her home to where her oldest sister was waiting. “You might have let me know you were planning a visit—I would have made preparations.”

“I merely want to see if you're alive or dead,” came Sophia's acerbic reply, making Amanda laugh.

Although Sophia was meddling and bossy by nature, she was also a loving sister with strong maternal instincts. She had often given voice to the family's sentiments concerning Amanda's untoward behavior. It was Sophia who had protested the loudest when Amanda had become a novelist and moved to London. Letters would arrive from Sophia, filled with advice that greatly amused Amanda, for they counseled her to beware of the temptations of town life. Perhaps Sophia would not have been surprised had she learned that Amanda had actually dared to hire a male prostitute for her own birthday. It seemed that her eldest sister recognized, as few others did, the streak of recklessness that occasionally surfaced in Amanda's character.

“I am very much alive,” Amanda said brightly. “Only quite busy.” She glanced at her sister's familiar figure with a fond smile. “You look well, Sophia.” For years, Sophia had possessed the same soft, slightly round-shouldered figure. Her hair was worn in the same neatly pinned chignon and she wore the same sweet vanilla scent that their mother had favored. Sophia was exactly as she appeared—an attractive country matron who competently managed a dull but respectable husband and five boisterous children.

Sophia held her at arm's length and gave her a head-to-toe inspection. “I had feared to find you ill. That was the only reason I could fathom for your insistence on staying away from Windsor.”

“You could think of only one reason?” Amanda countered, laughing as she ushered her sister inside the house.

Sophia's mouth quirked wryly. “Explain to me why I have been forced to come see you here, rather than receive you at my home. After avoiding the family at Christmas, you had promised to visit in January. It is now mid-February, and I have not heard a word from you. And don't hand me nonsense about how overworked you are. You are always busy, and you've never let it keep you away from Windsor before.”

She removed her traveling-bonnet, a pretty but practical design of blue wool with a slanting crown and a brim that was shallow at the back and wider at the front.

“I am sorry that you have gone to such trouble,” Amanda replied contritely, taking her sister's hat and matching cloak with its overlapping square collar. “However, I am delighted to have you here.” She took her time about setting the articles of apparel on the bentwood hanging rack in the entrance hall, making certain they were firmly placed on the porcelain-tipped hooks.

“Come with me to the parlor,” she urged. “Your timing could not be better, as I have just prepared a pot of tea. How were the roads from Windsor? Did you have difficulty—”

“Where are the servants?” Sophia interrupted suspiciously, following her into the cream-and-blue parlor.

“Sukey is at market with the cook, Violet, and Charles has gone to the wineshop.”

“Excellent. Now we may enjoy some privacy while you explain what has been going on.”

“Why do you think something has been going on?” Amanda parried. “I assure you, life is plodding along much the same as it always has.”

“You are a poor liar,” Sophia informed her serenely, seating herself on the settee. “Amanda, I must remind you that Windsor is hardly isolated from town. We do hear of goings-on in London, and there have been rumors concerning you and a certain gentleman.”

“Rumors?” Amanda regarded her with surprised dismay.

“And you look different.”

“Different?” In her sudden consternation, Amanda could only flush guiltily and repeat her sister's words like some addled parrot.

“There is a look about you that makes me suspect that the rumors are true. You are indeed carrying on some kind of liaison with someone, aren't you?” Sophia pursed her lips as she regarded her younger sister. “Obviously it is entirely within your rights to arrange your life as you choose…and I have accepted that you are not one to bow to the dictates of convention. If you were, you could have married a man from Windsor and settled near your family. Instead, you sold Briars House, took up residence in London, and dedicated yourself to pursuing a career. I have often told myself, if all this makes you happy, then you are welcome to it—”

“Thank you,” Amanda interrupted with a touch of gentle sarcasm.

“However,” Sophia continued gravely, “your actions are now placing your entire future at risk. I wish you would confide in me, and allow me to help you sort things out.”

Amanda was tempted to counter Sophia's words with as many bold-faced lies as were required to calm her suspicions. However, as she shared a long gaze with her sister, her eyes burned, and she felt a tear drop down her cheek.

“Sophia…what I need at the moment is an understanding listener. Someone who will not pass judgment on my actions. Could you possibly do that for me?”

“Of course not,” came Sophia's crisp reply. “Of what use would I be to you if I did not give you the benefit of my good judgment? Otherwise, you might as well confide in the nearest tree stump.”

Laughing unsteadily, Amanda blotted her wet eyes with her sleeve. “Oh, Sophia, I am afraid you will be quite shocked by my confession.”

While their tea cooled in their cups, Amanda blurted out the story of her relationship with Jack Devlin, prudently editing a few details such as the circumstances of their first meeting. Sophia was expressionless as she listened, reserving comment until Amanda finished with a watery sigh.

“Well,” Sophia said thoughtfully, “I do not find myself as shocked as I perhaps should be. I know you quite well, Amanda, and I have never thought you would be happy living alone forever. While I do not approve of your actions, I understand your need for companionship. I must point out that had you taken my advice and married a nice man from Windsor, you would not be in your current predicament.”

“Unfortunately, one cannot simply go out and make oneself fall in love with an appropriate man.”

Sophia made an impatient gesture. “Love is not the issue, dear. Why do you think I settled for marrying Henry?”

The question stunned Amanda. “Why, I…I never realized you considered it ‘settling.' You've always seemed so happy with Henry.”

“And so I have been,” Sophia replied pertly. “That is my point. When my marriage began, I did not love Henry, but I recognized that he possessed an admirable character. I understood that if I wanted a family and a solid place in society, I needed a respectable partner. And love, or something very much like it, does come in time. I enjoy and value the life I have with Henry. It is something you could have, too, if you are willing to set aside your stubborn independence and your romantic illusions.”

“And if I don't?” Amanda murmured.

Sophia met her gaze directly. “Then you will be the worse off for it. It is always more difficult for those who swim against the current. I am only stating the facts, Amanda, and you know that I am right. And I tell you most emphatically, you must shape your life to fit the conventions. My advice is to end the affair at once, and apply yourself toward finding a gentleman who will be disposed to marry you.”

Amanda rubbed her aching temples. “But I love Jack,” she whispered. “I don't want anyone else.”

Sophia regarded her sympathetically. “Believe it or not, I do understand, dear. However, you might bear in mind that men such as your Mr. Devlin are like rich desserts—enjoyable for the moment, but generally bad for the constitution. Moreover, it is no crime to marry a man whom one likes. In fact, in my opinion, it is a great deal better than marrying a man whom one loves. Friendship always lasts longer than passion.”

 

“What is the matter?” Jack asked quietly, stroking the curve of Amanda's naked back. They lay together amid a tangle of sheets, the air humid and scented like sea salt in the aftermath of their lovemaking. Jack leaned over to kiss the back of her pale shoulder. “You've been distracted tonight. It has something to do with your sister's visit today. Did the two of you quarrel?”

“No, not at all. In fact, we had a nice long talk, and she dispensed a great deal of sensible advice before she departed back to Windsor.” Amanda frowned as she heard him mutter some foul words regarding her sister's “sensible advice,” and she propped herself up on one elbow. “I could not help agreeing with many of her opinions,” she murmured, “even though I did not want to.”

His hand stilled on her back, his thumb resting lightly on the indentation of her spine. “What opinions?”

“Sophia has heard rumors about our relationship. She said that a scandal is brewing, and that I must end the affair at once or risk having my reputation destroyed.” A wan smile touched her lips. “I have a great deal to lose, Jack. If I become a ruined woman, my entire life will change. I will no longer be invited to social gatherings, and many of my friends will no longer speak to me. Most likely I will have to move to a remote place in the country, or go to live abroad.”

“I am taking the same risk,” he pointed out.

“No,” she replied with a wry smile, “you know quite well that men are never judged the same as women in these matters. I would become a pariah, whereas you would receive a mere slap on the wrist.”

“What are you saying?” Suddenly his tone was laced with baffled anger. “I'll be damned if you're going to end the affair a month and a half early!”

“I should never have agreed to such an arrangement.” She turned away from him with a miserable groan. “It was madness. I wasn't thinking clearly.”

Jack pulled her back against him, his hands moving possessively over her body. “If you're worried about scandal, I'll find ways for us to be more discreet. I'll buy a house in the country where we can meet without anyone's notice—”

“It's no use, Jack. This…this thing that has happened between us…” Amanda paused in sudden consternation, searching helplessly for the appropriate word. Finding none, she sighed impatiently at her own lack of nerve. “It cannot continue.”

“A few words from your straitlaced older sister, and you're ready to end our relationship?” he asked incredulously.

“Sophia confirmed my own feelings. I've known since the beginning that this was wrong, and yet I haven't been able to face that fact until now. Please don't make things difficult.”

He swore savagely and pressed her onto her back, his powerful body looming over hers. His face was set, but Amanda could practically see the rapid calculation of his thoughts. When he spoke, his voice was carefully controlled. “Amanda, I'm not going to lose you. You and I both know that our three-month agreement was just a game. The affair was never going to be limited to such a short time. From the beginning, I understood the risk of scandal, and I decided that I would protect you from any and all consequences of our relationship. You have my word on that. Now, let's be done with this nonsense and continue as we have been.”

“How could you possibly protect me from scandal?” Amanda asked, bewildered. “Are you saying that you would marry me to save my ruined reputation?”

He met her gaze without blinking. “If necessary.”

But the unwillingness in his eyes was easy to read, and Amanda understood how unpleasant a duty it would be for him to marry anyone. “No,” she murmured. “You have no desire to be a husband or father. I would not ask that of you…or of myself. I deserve better than to be regarded as a millstone around your neck.”

The words seemed to hang suspended in the air. Amanda felt both resigned and wretched as she watched Jack's set face. He had never pretended to want more of her than a mere affair. She could hardly blame him for his feelings. “Jack,” she said unsteadily. “I will always think of you with…with fondness. I hope that we may even continue to work together. I very much want the relationship between us to remain friendly.”

He looked at her in a way he never had before, his mouth twisting at one corner, his eyes gleaming with something akin to outrage. “So friendship is what you want,” he said softly. “And fondness is all you feel for me.”

Amanda forced herself to hold his gaze. “Yes.”

She did not entirely understand the cast of bitterness on his face. A man did not look like that unless he had been deeply hurt, and yet she did not believe that he cared enough about her to feel that way. Perhaps his pride was wounded.

“It is time to say good-bye,” she whispered. “You know it is.”

His face was blank as he continued to stare at her. “When will I see you again?” he asked gruffly.

“In a few weeks, perhaps,” she said hesitantly. “And then we will be able to meet as friends, I hope.”

The air was charged with a peculiar, pained silence until Jack spoke again. “Then let's say good-bye in the same way we began,” he muttered, and reached for her with rough hands. In all the times Amanda had imagined or written about lovers parting, it had never been with this harsh urgency, as if he wanted to hurt her.

“Jack,” she protested. The grip of his hands eased, secure but no longer punishing.

“One more display of fondness isn't too much to ask, is it?” He spread her legs with his knee and thrust inside her with no preliminaries. Amanda caught her breath at the feel of him driving deep inside her, establishing a demanding, pounding rhythm that resonated throughout her being. The pleasure kindled and rose, her hips arching with each stroke. Her eyes closed, and she felt his mouth on her breasts, catching at her nipples, gently biting and stroking with his teeth and tongue. She struggled to press closer to him, urging her entire body up into his, craving the heat and weight of him. He kissed her, his mouth opening hungrily over hers, and she moaned as a rippling climax overtook her, washing through her in searing waves. He withdrew from her in an abrupt jerking motion, his breath rattling in his throat, his body trembling and taut in the throes of his own release.