Sunday Morning: A Damaged Novella (3 page)

T
he trailer got so hot sometimes that every old,
vile stain in the place awoke, and the smell spread. I tried to ignore it all
and disappear in my books, but there was no escape on that blazing hot
Thursday. Everything was too fucking loud, ugly, and noxious.

In the living area, Mom laughed with one of her
boyfriends. Terry was a trucker who stopped by whenever in town. I knew she
really liked him. I also knew he was married and probably had a few other
losers who liked him in the other nothing towns he passed by. Her laughter made
me sad. I loved the fool of a woman, but her life was a fucking mess, and she
didn’t care.

Sadness never felt right while rage provided
invigorating warmth. When I got too sad, I started worrying about the future.
Was I a few decades away from being the joke in the next room? How long before
I laughed for any man who showed me the least bit of attention?

Leaving the trailer, I was desperate for a quiet
place to read. I considered using my search as an excuse to see Kirk. Unwilling
to tempt fate, I avoided the strip club. The more I saw Kirk, the more I craved
him. With enough time, I might forget the way I felt when he looked at me. That
feeling was a lie. I wasn’t special, and we weren’t living in a storybook.
There was nothing storybook about being fifteen years away from possibly
becoming my mom.

Walking down one of the main streets in town, I
passed fast food places. They were air conditioned, and I had enough cash to
buy a small soda. If I could find one not overflowing with screaming kids, I’d
sit in a corner and read until near sundown. The plan was so simple yet
alluring.

McDonalds and Burger King had kiddie areas, so they
were full of moms and children hiding from the heat. I kept walking, but every
place was crowded.

After thirty minutes of walking, I remembered how
the community center typically only drew in the town’s seniors. I figured old
people were quieter than toddlers, so I began walking that direction.

I wasn’t dressed to be noticed. I wore a plain
white t-shirt and baggy jeans. My clothes still clung to my sweaty body,
thereby gaining the attention of a bored perv at a gas station. He tried to
make small talk, but I ignored him.

“Don’t be like that,” he said, following me.

Years earlier, I’d learned how talking to horny men
only encouraged them. This guy had nothing better to do, so he kept following.
When I stopped at a light and stared straight ahead, he stood too close to me.

“Are you deaf?” he asked, still smiling.

His hand brushed the side of my face. I
instinctually swung around and hit him with my backpack. My temper never
considered the damn consequences. The guy wasn’t big, but I backed away from
him while holding my pack in front of me.

“You’re a little bitch,” he growled, clearly unsure
how to handle the situation.

People nearby laughed at how I nailed him with my
pink, flowered backpack. His ego bruised, the guy needed to react somehow. If I
were a better bullshitter, I’d have talked him down. I could have apologized,
put on my sad, little girl face, and told him I was just really scared. Hell, I
should have pretended I didn’t know English.

My temper didn’t allow me to back down even though
I was scared. In fact, I’d gotten my ass kicked a few times. Pain wasn’t
something I embraced. My neighbor fought with people regularly and walked
around with constant black eyes. Nothing fazed the bitch, but I wasn’t jaded
like her.

My heart beat so loudly in my ears that I didn’t
hear the traffic nearby, let alone the roar of the Harley. The asshole had
spotted Kirk before I did. He also put together the situation faster. I was
still shaking like an angry leaf when I turned to find Kirk’s idling Harley
behind me on the sidewalk.

Kirk never said a word before the guy panicked and
ran away. Still shaking and confused, I stared at Kirk.

“Every time I turn around, you’re starting shit
with someone,” he said, fighting a smile. “Want me to chase him down and let
you beat him with your backpack?”

“Sure,” I mumbled in a shaky voice. “How did you
find me?”

“I’ve been following you all day.”

Smiling, I rolled my eyes. “Sure.”

“Good timing, I guess. Or maybe I just sense when
crazy little girls are about to go feral on a poor schmuck.”

“The asshole touched me.”

Kirk never lost his smile, but his jaw clenched.

“Are you jealous?” I asked, feeling confident
despite my still shaking hands.

“Sure. I’ve been dreaming about you hitting me with
a backpack for weeks.”

Laughing, I backed away. “I better go before it
gets dark.”

“Won’t be dark for hours. Where are you going?”

For whatever reason, I didn’t want to tell him
about the community center. I felt stupid for wandering around as I had been.

“I was bored, so I took a walk.”

“We’re four miles from your place. That’s a long
fucking walk.”

“My boyfriend lives around here so…”

Not buying my attempt to play him, Kirk shook his
head. “Your boyfriend is a punk. I heard he’s cheating on you too, babe. Gotta
get you some higher standards.”

Smiling, I admired the sight of him looking so
powerful on his Harley. His dark blond hair shined in the late afternoon sun,
and his dark eyes hid behind mirrored glasses.

I stepped closer. “Where are you going?”

“I was bored, so I figured I drive around.”

“Are you making fun of me?”

“Yeah, what you gonna do about that?”

Uncertain how to respond, I shrugged and stepped
back. “Thanks for the help with the asshole.”

“Let me give you a ride back.”

I shuddered at the thought of returning to the
trailer park. “No. I’m not ready to go home.”

Kirk glanced at the road where afternoon traffic
zipped past. The world was oblivious to this moment, but I sensed something
powerful happening. Kirk struggled with whether to let me walk away or push
this connection between us. I didn’t think the decision should be a big deal
for him
. What would Kirk have to lose if I said no? How many of those trashy
yet beautiful women at the strip club said yes every damn night?
Kirk
didn’t need me. I was replaceable in a way he could never be for me.

Kirk hid behind his mirrored glasses, yet I felt
him arguing with himself. His tension ebbed and flowed between us.

“Let’s go for a ride,” he casually said, gesturing
with his head for me to get on behind him.

Though I didn’t understand why he struggled with
the decision, I knew why I hesitated. Kirk Johansson was a man in every sense
of the word. I’d played adult for a long, damn time, but this was the first
time I really had to walk the walk. Kirk might break my heart, destroy
everything about me, and then walk away like none of it mattered.
Was I
strong enough to face that possibility?

Like Kirk, I struggled with whether one ride might
lead to an ending I couldn’t handle. Like him, I gave into the curiosity I felt
for our uneasy dance. Climbing behind him, I settled onto the Harley like a
pro. Wrapping my arms around Kirk proved more difficult. I’d never touched a
man I wanted before. Kirk was a dream come to life, and I feared waking up.

J
odi never felt like a kid holding onto me while we
rode around Chesterfield. I told myself she wasn’t old enough to know what she
did to me. When I was her age, everything was a fucking game. I wanted what I
wanted at that fucking moment, and I didn’t give a shit about anyone or
anything beyond my needs.

I finally pulled my Harley into a spot next to a
park just outside of Chesterfield. The place was quiet except for a few people
walking their dogs. Jodi slid off the bike and steadied herself. Her cheeks
were bright pink from the heat, and I noticed the way her shirt glued itself to
her sweaty skin.

After I climbed off my hog, Jodi studied it. Her
gaze admired the curves of the bike while I admired hers.

“A guy at school talks about how his car purrs. I
don’t get why he thinks that’s cool. Your bike roars angry and powerful. All
the metal and leather demands to be acknowledged. I used to hate the sound of
the Harleys in the trailer park. Now I smile,” she said and then added,
“Because the Harleys make me think of you.”

“What is it that you think I am?”

Jodi heard the challenge in my voice. Her gaze
narrowed, and I prepared for her temper.

“I’m not blind. I know you’re the bad guy. I know
what bad guys do. Knowing and feeling are different. I’d think you know that
with you being so old and wise.”

Exhaling hard, I light a cigarette. “Girls like you
romanticize men like me.”

“Let’s be square here, Kirk. I’m not the girl from
the right side of the tracks looking to slum it with a bad boy. I don’t have a
big future waiting for me that I’m ditching for the dream of getting into your
jeans. Stop playing the victim.”

I struggled not to smile at her comment. Keeping my
stern expression, I needed to make her understand.

“I’m trying to be a nice guy and keep you from
making a mistake.”

“What mistake? Smiling when I think about you? Or
maybe you want to stay out of my fantasies while I touch myself at night. You
play the nice guy, but I’m not a fairytale damsel, and you’re certainly no
knight.”

“I saved you from that fucker ready to tear you
apart.”

“I got to take out my frustrations on his face. He
wouldn’t be the first man to hit me, and I doubt he’ll be the last. It’s not
about whether I get hit in life, but whether I hit back.”

The thought of anyone harming Jodi lit a raging
fire in my belly. “No one should be laying a hand on you.”

Jodi shrugged at my statement and glanced at the
dog walkers nearby. “Do you have any kids?”

“Not that I know of anyway. Women are sneaky,
though.”

“Is that why you’re protective of me? You never had
any kids, and I’m bringing out your fatherly instincts.”

“You’re fucking with me, right?”

Jodi’s expression remained unreadable, but I sensed
she was bluffing. “You’re the one playing protective dad.”

“Where is your dad?”

“In prison.”

“Sounds about right. Is he in there because of
you?”

Jodi’s mask cracked. “No.”

“Have you ever met him?”

“Yeah. Well, there are two guys who might be my
dad. They’re brothers and both are in prison. I don’t visit the rapist anymore
because he got horny when I visited the first time. Now I just visit the
murderer. You know, to gloat.”

I smiled at her expression. “Gloat about what?”

“I’m free, and he’s locked away. He won’t be
getting out anytime soon either.”

“Why do you hate him?”

“He’s a predator.”

“So am I.”

“Do you rape women? Are you a serial killer?
Technically, my dad could be either of those fuckers. I come from criminal
trash, but I’m sure you already guessed that.”

“I wouldn’t have actually. When I think of you in
that trailer park, I see a rose surrounded by weeds and thorns.”

Jodi blinked as if startled and then she shrugged.
“That’s poetic.”

“I’m not those things, but I’m a killer. I’m also
hunting you despite my best efforts to let you go.”

“Why me?”

“Why not?”

Jodi studied me, and I thought she understood.
Sometimes stars aligned, the timing was perfect, and the heart just craved what
it craved.

“I won’t be sixteen forever,” she said, crossing
her arms. “That’s your problem, isn’t it? My age.”

“Among other things.”

“What things?”

“I’m a thorn, baby. I don’t know how to be anything
else.”

“What do you mean by being a thorn?”

“I crush. I fuck. I don’t care about how pretty it
looks or feels. I do things because they need doing. You got rainbows in your
head and stars in your eyes. I’m all meat and potatoes. I fuck hard and fast. I
don’t hug. I certainly don’t cuddle. I don’t even tell the bitches goodbye when
I’m done with them. I’m not anyone’s boyfriend. I’ll never care about a woman’s
feelings. The only reason I still exist is because no one’s been tough enough
to put me down.”

Jodi had considered my words for maybe a minute
before she asked, “Is that all you want? If it is, then maybe my age isn’t the
only issue.”

“I don’t know what I want.”

Jodi smiled knowingly, and my skin crawled under
her warm gaze. “You might be an old man, but you’re as lost as a kid.”

Laughing, I shook my head. “You’re not wrong.”

“Why do you think you’re lost?”

“I was a kid and got into the habit of doing
certain shit. Crushing people. Fucking without using my heart. Then I was a
man, and I did the same shit. I don’t think I ever really thought about why I
am this way. I never thought about anything, but now I think about it too
much.”

“Everything gets boring after awhile.”

“That it does.”

Jodi studied me with the gaze of a woman twice her
age. She was dissecting me, and it felt hot as hell.

“You’re a grown enforcer for a club with little
kids in charge.”

“They do act like little kids.”

“Why follow them when they should be following
you?”

“I don’t know if I want to be in charge.”

“Why not? What are they doing that you couldn’t?”

Frowning at her, I asked, “Are you trying to cause
trouble for me?”

“You’re bored, and I’m thinking of ways to change
things for you. I figured giving up your life of crime and becoming a grocery
checkout boy wasn’t in the cards. Being club president is more in your
wheelhouse.”

“My club already has a president.”

“Start a new club.”

Putting out my cigarette, I sighed. “Life’s really
simple when you’re young.”

“I live in a shithole with an addict mom. I go to a
crappy school where I can’t learn anything. I don’t have any skills that’ll
make climbing out of my shithole easier. I’m attracted to a bad man going
through a midlife crisis. There’s nothing simple about my life.”

My fingers reached out and took hold of her blonde
hair blowing in the evening wind.

“Where were you heading tonight?” I softly asked.

“I wanted to find somewhere quiet to read.”

I slid the hair through my fingers. “It’s a small
thing to want.”

“The world is too loud.”

Jodi’s voice hurt me deep inside where I rarely
felt. When I was her age, I wanted to feel safe. The only way I could find
safety was to hurt everyone around me. I crushed everyone until I was the guy
no one messed with, and I could finally breathe. Jodi’s goal was so small in
comparison. She only wanted to be left alone to read. Such a minor fucking
request from someone who could want the world.

“You can use my apartment,” I said without
thinking. “I’ll get you a key. It’s not far from the trailer park, and it’s
quiet.”

“Why?” she asked in a wary voice.

Jodi got under my skin, but I couldn’t tell her
this fact. She’d want to believe I was a romantic guy pining over her pretty
face. The stars in her eyes and the rainbows in her head would convince her I
was capable of feeling what my heart would never allow. I’d gone cold long ago,
and there was no rekindling what I’d willfully destroyed to survive.

Jodi needed a reason that made sense to her and
didn’t give her false hope.

“Consider it part of my midlife crisis.”

“I’m not afraid of you.”

“You ought to be,” I said immediately.

“If you hurt me, you hurt me. I’m not going to sit
around being scared of you until then.”

Frowning at the setting sun, I wished she was five
years older, and I were a different man.

“I should probably get you home.”

“Why?”

“You shouldn’t be running the streets at night.”

“I’m not running the streets. I’m standing here
with you.”

“Fine. Then I’m having a hard time not fucking you
on my hog right now. I figure I better get you home before I act like an
asshole and take what I want.”

Jodi studied me fearlessly. “You’re full of shit,”
she said and then smiled. “I won’t overstay my welcome, though. Give me a ride
home if that’s what you need to do.”

I was accustomed to getting my way. Right then, I
wanted to take Jodi out for a meal and get to know her. Then I’d take her back
to my apartment and get to know her even better.

Except she was too young for me to know.
Fuck, I
doubted she knew herself.
So I told myself no. I was going the noble route,
but it still hurt like hell when I dropped off Jodi at her shithole trailer
park. She stared at me after climbing off, and I thought maybe she wanted me to
kiss her goodbye. Or she wanted a promise like most women craved. I had nothing
to give her. Not yet anyway so I left without saying another word while she
watched me go.