Sunlit Shadow Dance (42 page)

In Beck’s mind were no images
of this place from before, she saw it with fresh, curious and
unafraid eyes
. It gave her solidity and a reassuring courage. But also
in Beck’s mind Susan felt her guilt towards herself and Vic from
when she had betrayed them and leaked that information. Susan
already knew this, Cathy had told her. But Beck did not know she
knew, hence the guilt. Susan transferred a though of forgiving
acceptance to Beck,
It was done and no harm had come.
She felt Beck’s relief and knew Sandy
saw it too.

But the strangest part of the
mental image flow was the fourth set
. They were the images of the hidden part
of her mind which was closed to her. She could not see them
directly; they were blocked away from her. But the block did not
hide them from her friends. So they saw this day, as it happened in
her mind, and through them she could see it too as a reflected
image.

This was the place of which she
desired knowledge, so she encouraged them to look deeper. Now it
was as if the three of them were there on that fateful
day
,
reliving the awfulness.

She saw herself lying in her
bed in the predawn, wrists handcuffed and chained to the car. She
saw the terror of
her expected fate bubbling through her mind. She saw
herself pick up the knife and hide it in her clothes. She saw Mark
squatting at the water’s edge, lost in his own contemplation of his
fate, making his peace. She saw herself summon her courage and
rattle the chain, attracting his attention as she formulated her
plan of escape. She saw the surprised look on his face, not ready
for the moment, wanting to stop time.

She saw him come and release her, then fix
a bowl of warm water with a washer and soap. She saw the kindness
and tenderness in his movements that she had never noticed on that
first day.

She saw herself walk away from him, take
off her clothes, lay the knife on the ground and begin to wash
herself, as his lustful eyes looked on. She saw herself call him
over, seeking to create her opportunity and how he trustingly came,
she saw and felt his hands as he stroked her breasts and washed her
bottom. She saw herself pick up the knife unseen and turn towards
him, knife in hand, eyes seeking the spot to strike.

There at that point her memory
froze in horror
. She could look no more, knowing already what she had done
to kill him, the knife embedded in his chest and the timber
crunching through his skull. She did not want to see this or see
how she then dragged his body to the water’s edge and the
crocodiles came and took him and then tore apart his body. But as
she withdrew a final image came, it was in the moments after, when
blood only remained to stain the still water.

It was a miasma sitting above the water, as
if a half formed cloud. She realized now that her eyes had seen it
on this day but had not recognized it for what it was.

Now she knew it. It was the spirit of a man
and crocodile made one, the man taken within the body had exchanged
a part of his essence with the beast. But it had not fully settled
into its new home yet and a fragment of this fused crocodile spirit
hung in the misty air that covered the water surface.

As she drew a deep sobbing breath on that
fateful day, she felt this cloud of presence drift over her and she
drew into herself some small part of this other being. Now it was
within her and would continue to be. This being was a thing of pain
in its fusion. Now a part lived within her, fusing its soul with
her own. She did not want it but could not escape it.

She turned her mind away from
this image and felt the others withdraw too
, in sympathy with her
pain.

Instead she looked towards the golden
light and let her mind dwell only there. The other eyes followed
hers; they were linked to her will and would follow whatever she
did from here, three sets of eyes and hands as one.

In the centre of the light she
saw the three crocodiles come. They were a long way away and small
in her vision
, but big in her mind. She realized that she was seeing not
the physical creatures, but seeing their spirits as they came
towards her. They were ancient beings, dreamtime spirits, for today
temporary inhabitants of these physical forms.

Mark faded from her mind, she
understood now that
, because he was of their totem, when he died they had
taken his spirit within their own, joined it to theirs. With the
passage of time since that day his fusion with them was now
complete, one soul whole and united.

And
she saw too that in her grief at what
she had done on that day, at the time when she had taken a part of
his left spirit within her, in exchange she sent part of her spirit
with him, as if to provide him with comfort on his soul’s passage.
So she had given a part of herself away. It now lived with the
beings who approached her and a part of them also lived on within
her.

It was a fused part of her being now, it
could never be removed. As Mark belonged to the crocodile totem, so
she too belonged. She could no more remove it than tear out her
soul. For her to keep living she must let this spirit inside her
keep living too.

She was it and it was her. When
it could not find her in her waking hours it
found her in her dreams. When
she held the crocodile stone in her hand its own spirit sat in
harmony with it, providing easy passage to her soul so this spirit
did not have to tear at and overwhelm her mind to gain
entry.

In that moment she was one with
these other spirits
that came towards her and sought only to join them. She
walked forward to where they came, the centre of the golden ball of
light. The other girls walked with her, hands still on her
shoulders, locked together with common purpose.

She came to the water’s edge
and reached down and picked up the pig. She held it in her hands
and walked forward further, now knee deep in the water. She held
the pig in front
.

Her mind spoke out. This is a gift, but if
you prefer, take me too. There are three of you and three of us;
you can each take one of us.

The other girls minds’ spoke alongside her
own, “Yes, take us too.”

As if in unison, three crocodiles’ mouths
opened wide, as if to say, “We accept your gift.”

She heard a scream
f
rom the
back of her mind. “NooO
O
O!
”

A body hit hers and knocked her sideways,
along with the other two.

The pig fell forward, floating on the
water. A huge set of jaws closed on it, slowly and with delicacy.
It turned and swam away, parts of pig protruding from both sides of
its mouth. It turned its head one way and a companion tore off a
limb, it turned its head the other way and its other companion took
another limb. It opened its mouth and swallowed what was
left.

Three creatures disappeared as one, fading
into nothing as the water flowed above them.

Now people were rushing in, pulling her
from the water, pulling out her friends too, the three crocodile
spirit sisters. The stone had fallen into the water, somewhere deep
below. It had returned to the place of the crocodiles.

Susan sat
, as in a trance, by the
water’s edge. Faraway she could hear Vic shouting, screaming at
her, shaking her to listen. But she could not hear the words and
soon there was only her, lost in a crocodile spirit
dreaming.

Part of her wanted to return to him but
another being filled her soul and she was powerless to act outside
of it.

Vic was shaking with rage. How could she do
this, how could she be so stupid, throw away her life after all
they had done together. He screamed at her, he shook her, he
slapped her.

But she said not a word;
she just sat there
staring into another place that only her eyes could see.

The others sat there too. But
slowly their minds cleared and their senses returned. They told of
what had happened and
of where they had been, to the place of the
crocodile spirit dreaming.

They had not felt fear; they
had not perceived any danger, but if there had been
danger, in that
moment, they had been incapable of care.

Now
, after, they did not know for sure
but thought the crocodiles were not seeking to harm them, only to
link with their spirits. But yet, they now acknowledged, what they
had done was crazy and the danger was real.

The four men had just stood and
watched too, frozen to the spot and unable to move.
It was as if a
spell had been cast, rendering all other life immobile until
something had passed. It was only Vic, in desperation, who had
managed to break free, to scream and fling himself at where they
stood, knee deep in the water.

Once he moved the others could move too.
All knew, deep down, that if the crocodiles had sought to really
harm them it would have been too late.

When
Vic’s anger cooled he was distraught
as he looked at his wife, lost in a trance. He took her hand and
sat beside her, talking to her, telling her he was sorry, asking
her to come back.

But she said not a word. She just sat there
staring into space.

Alan walked across and lifted
her up
. Her
body was an automaton and moved not itself, but did not resist him.
He carried her to the car and placed her on a seat. Then he took
Vic by the shoulders, walked him to the car and pushed him in so he
sat him beside her.

At home she sat in a chair
and
said not
a word, they dressed her, they fed her, they put her to bed. They
woke her in the morning. She moved when they moved her, she did not
resist, but it was the move of reshaping a doll.

Vic wished he had never returned to this
God forsaken place.

A week passed, then another. He had to do
something. The children wanted their mother back, he wanted his
Susan back.

He asked Sandy and Beck if they could better
explain what happened and how to reach her, but for them this
memory and knowledge was gone.

Ross visited each day and tried
to hypnotize her, and reach her that way. But she did not respond
to anything he did.
He took her to the hospital and ran brain scans and
connected her to an EEG machine. Her brain showed no damage but it
was working at the most basal level.

Ross said it was operating like a reptilian
brain now, breathing, heart, digestion, just the basic functions,
no signs of arousal in her higher brain centers, just the slow
reptilian like brain waves of her brain stem which went on and on,
unchanging.

He conferred with other specialists who
suggested a range of drugs and electro-convulsive therapy which
could be tried. But Vic would have none of this; he would let no
one do things to her that may harm her more. Ross had no belief in
their likely benefit either.

So
Vic went and saw Charlie, saying
there must be someone to help.

Charlie had been asking, he
felt
a share
of the blame too. He sat silent for a long time, as if seeking
guidance, then said, “We must take her to the place of the
crocodile spirit totem, we will seek help from the medicine man of
that tribe, the man who talks to the crocodile spirits. Perhaps he
can talk to the spirits, ask the spirits to leave her.”

So they caught a flight to Gove, just
Charlie, Vic and Susan. An old grey haired man, tall and thin with
frizzy hair and a wise face, was waiting for them. He took Susan by
the hand and she walked with him. He brought her to an old battered
Toyota tray-back and sat her in the cabin. He did not speak and
neither did she.

Uninvited, Charlie and Vic got
on the back. They drove
, no words said, for an unknown passage of time.
First the road was good then it got rougher. It ended in two wheel
tracks which climbed up to a gap in the hills. They crested the
rise and saw, open before them, a view of coast and islands. Just
behind the coast, at the end of the wheel tracks, lay a round pool
of water, connected by a small creek to the sea.

Still the man spoke not, and looked not
towards them.

He took Susan by the hand and
led her to the pool
. He brought her to a place where a flat rock was lapped by
the water. He sat her down and then sat down beside her.

From his pocket he pulled a Baru, like the
one of Mark had once owned. He started a chant, tapping two sticks
together. It was a crooning, pleading sound. It rose in intensity,
keeping time with his tapping.

The sound rose to a crescendo then fell
away to a whisper. Then it was silent, the silence continued. Then
the crocodile came.

It was not so big, not as big as the last.
But it was old, its teeth were worn, its body seemed spare of
flesh, too small for its skin. It placed its jaw on the stone
ledge, resting between their legs. The old man placed his hand on
its head, just behind its eyes. Susan did the same.