Sunset: Pact Arcanum: Book One (31 page)

“Nick has fallen in love only once in his life,” Jeremy said, his voice devoid of emotion. “Deeply, passionately in love—with a straight man. He knew it could never happen, so he hid what he was feeling and never said anything. Then he stood by and watched while the person he loved found happiness with someone else. It broke his heart, and he never got over it. He carried that pain for his entire mortal life and beyond death, into the second and third life.”

The other Sentinels stared at him.

“No way,” insisted Scott. “I would have known. He would have told me.”

Rory shook his head. “Not about this. I mean, hell, you didn’t even know he liked guys until Lorcan kissed him in front of you.”

“That was years ago!” argued Scott. “I got over it. He could have told me anything!”

“Not this,” Rory repeated. “Add to that his guilt over what he unwittingly did to Lorcan and you can see that Nick’s made quite a habit out of avoiding strong romantic and emotional attachments.”

Jeremy sighed. “Nick will never love me,” he said despondently. “Not ever. He’ll never love anyone as long as—” The rest of his words remained unsaid. He stood as a chill realization dawned on him. “Oh, Nick. You didn’t.”

“What is it?” Take asked. “Do you know something?”

Jeremy turned to face Rory again, but this time his face was a mask of anguish. “I was going to say that he’ll never love anyone as long as he’s completely wrapped up in his broken heart.”

Rory blanched. “Are you suggesting he stripped himself of those memories?” He grabbed Jeremy’s arms, shaking him roughly. “He would never have done that! That’s the core of who he is.”

“You said he would have known if I wanted him,” Jeremy told Rory. “Would he have known if I loved him?”

“Maybe.” Rory looked stricken as he understood.

“I saw his heart in Los Angeles. He never wanted to feel that kind of emotion again. He would rather die.”

Letting go of Jeremy, Rory collapsed back in his chair, dropping his head into his hands. “Then we’ve lost him.”

Take stared at him. “What do you mean?”

Rory looked up at his lover. “If Nick even
wants
to rebuild his mind, he’ll have to experience those emotions all over again as he reintegrates his memories into his psyche. If Jeremy is right, there’s no way he would ever be willing. And we can’t force him to do it.”

Jeremy closed his eyes, momentarily defeated. Then he focused on Rory, and his features hardened with determination. “Maybe we can’t, but I’ll bet there’s someone who can.” He turned to the others. “Scotty, do you love Nick?”

“What?” said Scott. “Of course. He’s the closest thing to a real brother I’ve ever had.”

Rory watched the two with consternation. “Jeremy—” he warned.

Jeremy ignored him, concentrating all of his attention on Scott. “Would you do anything for him?”

Scott’s confusion gave way to irritation. “Of course I would. What are you getting at?”

“Because he’s your best friend,” said Jeremy.

“That’s right.”

“Do you think he would do anything for you?”

“Jeremy, stop!” Rory said sharply.

“Yes, he would.” Scott’s gaze flicked back and forth between Jeremy and Rory.

“Even if it meant letting you go?”

C
HAPTER 23

Scott turned white. “Me?” he said numbly. “It was me?”

Jeremy nodded. “He’s loved you for almost half his life and never said a word. He didn’t want you to feel guilty about not returning his feelings. He buried himself in meaningless affairs and self-destructive behavior to try to escape your power over him. But he was always watching, never allowing himself to even speak of it until the day he told Rory.”

“So that’s what Lorcan meant,” Take said softly. “When did Nick tell you?”

Rory didn’t meet his eyes. “The night of the Christmas party, back in 2032, when we almost hooked up. We were talking, working our way up to sex, and I told him about you. Neither of us would allow ourselves to try to be with the people we loved. Suddenly, we had something in common. That’s how we became friends.”

Scott stared at him in disbelief. “You’ve known all this time, and you never said anything?”

Rory sighed. “I guess there’s no point in keeping his secrets anymore. The truth is that being around you is torture for him. He’s wanted to tell you for years, but he was afraid of losing you. I was happy when he finally became seriously involved with someone. I could see how Lorcan felt about him, and I hoped that someday Nick would finally move on. But that didn’t happen.”

“Jeremy,” Scott said woodenly, turning to face the other Sentinel, “why are you telling me this now?”

“Because he’d do anything for you. You have a stronger hold on him than anyone else in his life. He can’t have suppressed everything.” Jeremy’s voice was ruthless and unwavering. “You can use that against him.”

“What?” asked Scott, aghast.

“You can force him to take back his memories, Scott.” Jeremy continued despite the look of disgust that crossed Scott’s face. “Convince him. You’re the only one who can. Otherwise, he’ll remain a danger to himself and to everyone around him. Who knows what his vampire self might do without his human memories to restrain it?”

“You said you loved Nick.” Scott’s voice dripped scorn. “How can you ask me to do that to him?”

“The person in that office is not Nicholas.” Jeremy clenched his fists at his sides, trying not to scream at the other Sentinel. “He’s an imitation. He’s a shadow of the man I fell in love with, and I will pay any price to get him back. Even if it costs me your respect, I would still ask this of you. Please. You’re the only one who can save him.”

Scott glared at him with withering contempt, then carefully walked past Jeremy, opened the inner door, and stepped into the office where Nick was waiting. The others followed him silently.

* * *

“Nicholas.” Scott sat in the chair Rory had vacated.

“Have you figured out what happened?”

“We think so. Nick, I need to ask you a question, and I need an honest answer.”

Nick glanced up at the other Sentinels before turning his attention back to Scott. “Okay, if it’ll help. What’s your question?”

Scott hesitated for just a moment. “Do you love me?”

Nick blinked. “What? Of course I do.”

“Nick,” Scott said again, enunciating every word, “do you love me?”

Nick’s eyes widened as comprehension sunk in. His gaze lifted to the others. “Rory?” he asked in a fragile voice. “What did you tell him?”

“He knows, Nick.”

A scream of rage pierced the air, and Nick clawed at his chains, trying desperately to rise. “Damn you to hell! I will kill you for this! You swore you would never—”

“It wasn’t him,” Jeremy said firmly. “It was me.”

Nick snarled. “You! You did this to me?”

“Nick,” said Scott, his voice calm, “sit down.”

“Don’t give me orders!” Nick struggled again to break free. “You have no right!”

“You haven’t answered my question,” Scott said softly.

All at once, Nick went perfectly still, his attention locked on Scott. “You can’t ask me that, Scotty,” he said, his voice cracking. “Not you. Please. You can’t.”

“Nick,” Scott said in little more than a whisper, “do you love me?”

Nick slumped back in his seat, his fangs and claws retracting. “Don’t do this to me, Scott,” he pleaded. “Not now.”

“Nick, do you love me?”

“I don’t remember.” Nick shivered uncontrollably. “It’s all gone. I can only see the edges of it now.”

“Then remember what you forgot.”

Nick started up in his chair. “
NO!
Scott, no! I can’t go through that all over again! You don’t know what it was like.”

“Neither do you. You’ve forgotten.”

“I don’t want to remember it. Please.” Nick’s voice was desperate, anguished. “Don’t make me remember.”

Hating himself for what he was doing, Scott said, “Nick, listen to me. This is the only chance you will ever have to tell me how you feel. I’m here. I know. And I’m waiting to hear it. You can finally say all the things you’ve always wanted to say to me. But only if you let yourself recall the words.”

“Scott, no.” Red tears coursed down Nick’s cheeks. “It hurt so much. Don’t make me remember.”

“You have to,” Scott said mercilessly, all the while feeling like he was falling down a deep well, tumbling into darkness. “You
have
to remember. Don’t leave anything out. I’ll be right here beside you the whole time, waiting for you. When you’ve remembered everything, you can finally tell me your love is real. Otherwise, I won’t believe it. Don’t waste this chance, Nicholas.”

“Promise me you’ll stay,” whispered Nick. “Promise you’ll be here with me the whole time, and I’ll do it. I’ll take it all back, only for you, if you promise to stay with me.”

“I promise.” Scott reached out and stroked Nick’s cheek, his heart breaking. “I will never leave you.”

Nick’s eyes glazed over, and then he screamed. The dyad link flared brightly between them as the memories came boiling out of Nick’s mind, escaping his control and slamming into Scott. The day they met for the first time. Nick’s captivation with Scott’s voice, his smile, the laughter in his eyes. Nick struggling with his feelings and finally understanding what they meant. His horror at realizing his desire only went one way, that he could never tell Scott the things he wanted to say—would never feel the touch he craved. The agony and despair of keeping up appearances. The shame of sneaking away to lose himself in drugs, alcohol, and sex.

The memories flashed on—day after day, faster and faster, months turning into years. The events of Scott’s life unfolded before them—marriage, fatherhood—while Nick stood helpless on the sidelines, wishing things could be different. It went on and on, the misery and pain never faltering, only growing stronger as the rest of Nick’s life fell apart after Luscian.

And then, suddenly, the pattern changed. Nick’s focus shifted. Jeremy appeared in his thoughts. Nick saw the promise in the young Sentinel’s eyes, tasted the desire in his scent, and something greater, something never spoken aloud. Scott saw Nick’s shockingly cold recognition of a kindred spirit, just starting out on the same lonely, painful journey, but this time Nick was the object. He wallowed in guilt, witnessing the hidden agony in Jeremy’s eyes, an echo of his own pain, the unbearable knowledge of exactly what it cost Jeremy to stand at his side every day.

Scott understood, as Nick finally had, that Jeremy would never willingly leave him—never deviate from the path Nick himself had blazed. Scott watched Nick’s dawning comprehension, saw him convince himself that he had only two options: to shoulder the burden of responsibility for allowing Jeremy to follow in his footsteps, or to accept the terrible gift the Sentinel wordlessly offered him. He watched as Nick shrank away from either destiny, hatching a desperate plan to strip away the knowledge that would lead him back to that choice. He saw him act on it, saw him turn his terrible power on himself.

The rush of memories stopped. Nick turned his head wearily toward Anaba. “You can unchain me now.”

She nodded and raised her hand, causing the restraints to fall away.

Pulling his arms free, Nick cradled his head in his hands momentarily and then looked straight up at Scott, who sat quietly in front of him, waiting. When Nick didn’t speak, Scott reached out to embrace his dyad brother. “I’m sorry,” he whispered into the Daywalker’s ear.

Nick held him tightly, laying his head on the Sentinel’s shoulder. “I will love you forever.”

Pulling back, Scott smiled sadly at him. “I love you, too, Nicholas.” Silently, he reached out over the link.
“He’s waiting for you.”

Nick stood and turned to Jeremy. “Jeremy,” he said gently, “we need to talk.”

* * *

Unsure why Nick was speaking to him instead of Scott, Jeremy stepped forward hesitantly as Scott got up from the chair and silently moved aside.

“Nick, I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want to tell him, but it was the only way I could think—”

Nick placed his index finger on Jeremy’s lips. “Shhh,” he said with a smile. “It’s all right, Jer. At least he knows now, and I don’t have to hide anymore. But that’s not what I needed to ask you.”

Jeremy swallowed. “What then?”

“I need you to tell me the words.” Nick opened his vampire senses all the way and focused his attention fully on the young Sentinel. “The words you have been trying so hard never to say.”

Jeremy stiffened; Nick could hear the young Sentinel’s heart race and sense his resolve crystallizing. “Tell me, Jeremy.”

“I love you,” whispered Jeremy, trembling.

Nick’s heightened perceptions felt the depth of emotion hidden in the words, and his breath caught in his throat.

“I have been in love with you from the beginning,” Jeremy admitted, his voice rising, gaining surety as he gave voice to the words he’d never had the courage to speak. “Before Los Angeles, I would have told you I was straight—that the idea of being with a man was ridiculous. Then you touched the focus in my hand, and everything changed. I saw you for exactly who you were, everything you’ve suffered, all your dreams and aspirations, and I loved you. After that, I had only one dream, one aspiration, one desire. There was only one thing I wanted to be.” He reached out hesitantly and gently touched Nick’s cheek. “Yours.”

Nick looked deeply into the Sentinel’s eyes, seeing Jeremy’s desperate and terrified plea for understanding, and made his choice.

C
HAPTER 24

Reaching up, Nick placed his hand over Jeremy’s and held the Sentinel’s fingers to his cheek. “Here I am,” he whispered.

Jeremy said nothing, his eyes bright.

“Let’s go home.” Nick wrapped his arms around the younger man. “We really do need to talk.” A white glow surrounded them as Nick teleported them away. When the light cleared, they were standing in Jeremy’s apartment.

Jeremy gently extricated himself from Nick’s embrace and sat on the couch, his head in his hands. “How long have you known?”