Sunset Park (25 page)

“No.”

Satisfaction coasted along my overheated body, imploding in my chest. “Why?”

“Why do you think?”

I grazed my fingers along the side of his face and down to the swell of his lips. I wanted to ask if he’d really said those words to me, if my hearing hadn’t been distorted due to the all-consuming feeling of my prostate being battered over and over again. And I wanted to know if he’d heard my response, but bringing it up now that we were calm and sated, boneless and peaceful, seemed like poor planning. Maybe he’d deny it, or maybe I had heard wrong, or just saying it aloud now would mess everything up.

“I didn’t have sex with Caleb.” Raymond looked up at me, his chin pressing into my chest. I cupped his cheek with my hand. “I didn’t even sleep. I just waited for you.”

“Don’t lie to me,” he said hoarsely.

“I wouldn’t. And if I did, you’d see through me.” I stroked his cheekbone with my thumb. “Did you… spend the whole day with some other guy?”

“Yeah.” Raymond’s mouth tipped up at the side when I started to withdraw my hand. “I went to Chris’s house.”

“You ass. I was—” I shut up, biting my lip. Big mouth.

Raymond pushed himself up on his elbows, scooting closer so we were face-to-face. “You were what?”

“Angry. At myself mostly, but… jealous too.” I wet my lips, shifting beneath him. “You know I get jealous. I almost jumped my own friend for daring to touch you.”

“Yeah, because you was drunk.”

“I was drunk, not insane. The feelings were real.”

His gaze skimmed my face, seeking lies or half-truths, or maybe just taking me in now that I was sweaty and swollen-lipped. Again, I thought about how bad it would be if Caleb came to find me. If he found us naked and twined together, bruised and destroyed from the fierce kind of sex he and I had never had. But it was more than that. The way Raymond was looking at me, the way he brushed his mouth against mine so tenderly, was much more than that. Or maybe it wasn’t, and I was just playing make-believe again. It was hard to tell when I wanted to have heard those three little words. As if those words changed any of my other doubts and concerns.

Maybe Caleb was right. I did want a fantasy.

“Give me time,” I said. “I need to figure things out.”

“Like what?”

“Everything. With you… and with him.” Raymond’s face darkened. “Stop being like this. I have a lot of history with him.”

“A lot of history?” Raymond scoffed. “You were together for two years. I have more history with my car.”

“Not everything is the romance of the century like Nunzio and Michael,” I retorted, relinquishing my hold on him.

“It don’t have to be. But it also don’t have to be this complicated.”

It was true, but it didn’t change things. I’d jumped in feet first with every guy I had ever been with, and it had ended up a disaster with Caleb. I wouldn’t do it again. Especially now that I could see warning signs. For the first time, I wanted to be smart about things.

Even so, I dressed slowly and found myself continuously distracted by Raymond’s silent contemplation of me. I started to leave, but he yanked me back and kissed me roughly one last time.

“I don’t want him here anymore,” he said after releasing me. “Don’t rub it in my face unless you want me to start doing the same.”

Nodding, I retreated from the room, walking backward until his door shut with a quiet click.

David

“HOW DID
your observation go?”

Karen was standing right beside me as I shoved through racks of clothing, but I could barely hear her over the boutique’s music. It was one of those tiny, closet-sized shops in SoHo that specialized in three sizes and random, runway styles. Not my thing, but my present mood set me up for poor shopping decisions.

“It was okay. The kids were presenting on climate change, so it’s an instant win.”

“Smart boy. Did they perform well?”

“Yeah, I think it went okay. Kids get genuine pleasure out of talking about destructive forces of nature, and the lesson didn’t require me to act like a human being.” I pulled a hanger from the rack, eyeballing the sweater hanging from it. It was black with leather epaulets, distressed detailing, and a chrome zipper at the throat. “Do you think this is worth four hundred dollars?”

“Um. No.” Karen put the hanger back. “Since when are you into the cyberpunk fashion thing?”

“I’m not, and it’s not cyberpunk fashion,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I was thinking of getting it for a Christmas present. For Raymond.”

“Oh, I see.”

I picked up the hanger again, rubbing my thumb along the material. I could visualize it hugging his broad shoulders, and the image was delicious. “Have something to say, Ms. Ramos?”

“Nope.” Karen tried to take the sweater again. “Well, maybe.”

I smacked her hand. “Release the sweater. I like it.”

“I guarantee that Raymond will think you’re psychotic if you buy him a four hundred dollar sweater. You’d have more luck with an Xbox One.”

Sighing, I returned it to the rack. It was a good point. Although, if my credit cards weren’t almost maxed, I would get him both. “I wish I were rich.”

“So you can spoil your man?”

“He’s not my man.”

“Mmm.” Karen moved away from the rack and headed for the door, tightening her scarf. “Let’s go to Dean & Deluca.”

“Ugh. It’s always a madhouse in there.”

“Oh, come on,” she said as we exited the boutique. “It’s cold, snowy, and I want hot chocolate.”

I made another grudging sound but let her wind her arm through mine and lead me to Broadway. Thanksgiving was next week, but the city was already decorated for the holidays. Lights, festive window displays, crowds of people in black leather, and a mess of gray slush gathering along the curb.

When we arrived, Dean & Deluca was playing a dreadful Christmas playlist. Normally I would get a kick out of it, but my holiday spirit was down in the gutter with the melting snow.

“Can I make an observation?”

“Can I stop you?”

We queued up at the bakery, and I eyeballed the pastries. Overpriced but delicious-looking. I needed a red velvet cupcake in my life, like, yesterday. My no-carb policy was put on hold until after New Year’s.

“No,” Karen admitted as we shuffled along. She raised her voice so I could hear her over the crowd. “But ever since you moved in with Raymond, it seems that your face is almost permanently etched into a morose scowl.”

“That is an exaggeration.”

“Trust me, it’s not. And let’s not forget that thing with Oli.” Karen gave me a pointed look. “Have you even seen him since my birthday party?”

“Yes, but it isn’t worth discussing.”

“And why not?”

Oli had recently invited me out to coffee after school and had proceeded to backhandedly chastise me for overreacting the night of the party. I’d apologized, suitably chagrined, until he’d stated that Raymond was open game if I wasn’t dating or even fucking him. It had taken all my willpower not to smash him in the face with my coffee cup.

“Because he sees nothing wrong with going after a guy I’ve obviously been gaga over for months, and that means he’s a shitty friend.”

Karen peered around the crowd to gauge the distance to the front of the line. “How do you know he feels that way? I thought men had all of these codes. Bros before hos or whatever.”

Wrinkling my nose, I jammed my hands into the pockets of my coat. “I hate that saying. It’s sexist.”

“Oh, whatever. I’m just surprised.”

“I’m not. Oli wants what he wants when he wants it. Sometimes he reminds me of Caleb.”

Karen’s expression turned knowing. “Ahhh. Caleb. Is that what’s going on, then?”

“He’s part of it.”

She nodded, watching me and waiting. I considered whether confiding in Karen was a betrayal, and decided it wasn’t. Maybe Raymond didn’t need anyone else’s perspective about things, but I required an objective, rational opinion when my own thoughts were spinning like a wobbly top. The line moved sluggishly and I caught Karen up on everything that had happened in the past month. My possessiveness, Caleb drifting back into my life every time he wanted something familiar and comfortable, and sex with Raymond. I tried to keep it simple, but by the time we reached the counter, the details were slipping out one explicit word at a time.

“I’ve never had sex that good in my life. He’s just…. Jesus, I don’t even know.”

“You’d think he would fumble it if he’s never been with a guy,” she mused.

“Just because he’s never had sex with a guy doesn’t mean he’s never done anal. But he’s also
amazing
at—” I broke off when the cashier’s eyebrows shot up. “Err. Sorry.”

“No apologies necessary,” the guy said with a smile. His eyes flicked over me, clearly interested and liking what he saw. “What can I get for you?”

Karen ordered hot chocolate and a muffin, and I got coffee and my cupcake. The cashier watched me through most of the transaction, but I avoided his stare and examined the display of gift cards.

“I think he wanted to impress you with his own ass-fucking skills,” Karen said when we left the counter. “His face lit up like a Christmas tree.”

We wound through the cluster of people and approached the counter that ran along the expanse of glass windows at the front of the store.

“No thanks,” I said, setting my cupcake down. “I have enough problems without adding the cute D&D boy to the mix.”

She laughed and half turned so her back was to the other customers. “True, but what is even the problem? Do you want to be with Caleb anymore, or do you just feel obligated to spend time with him when he snaps his fingers?”

I nodded at that, gesturing with a frosting covered finger. Karen’s face became disapproving.

“You can’t let him have that kind of control over you, David. You messed up with him, but that shouldn’t give him rights over your time and attention just because he hasn’t gotten serious about someone else yet. You don’t see me snapping my fingers at my ex every time I need something just because I can guilt-trip him over his own cheating shit. You letting this go on is probably giving Caleb the wrong impression.”

“Caleb and Raymond both.”

“Then keep Caleb out of your business,” she said firmly. “If you’re not getting back together, cut him out. He’s a great guy, and I liked him the few times I saw him, but you weren’t right together.”

Having someone else say it aloud was a relief. Oli had always been way too exasperated over the notion of monogamy to give much of a helpful opinion. His advice had been to take Caleb to a sex club and help him unwind, one wild sexcapade at a time.

“Caleb keeps saying he loves me,” I said after a moment. “But I think he’s just reluctant to give up after he invested so much time in our relationship. He likes to say that he spent his early thirties on me, like I stole the remnants of his youth and he’s close to his expiration date.”

“God. Gay guys are so dramatic.”

“Like women aren’t?” I rolled my eyes. “But honestly I feel like I understand where he’s coming from now.”

“Why is that?”

I looked down at my cupcake and picked at the paper wrapper. “Because I keep asking myself if investing in Raymond, only for him to potentially decide he’s done experimenting after a few months, is worth it.”

“God, I didn’t even consider that.”

“Yeah….”

Karen shook her head, dark hair brushing against her scarf. “Sometimes I forget that things are way easier for me.”

“Yeah. Except for that whole giving birth thing. And monthly… stuff.”

“
Stuff
,” she said, snorting with laughter. “You’re a big baby. Literally. I’ve got almost a decade on you, but you’re more careful than I’ve ever been.”

“I just want to make the right decision. I’m tired of making bad choices and feeling stupid later on. When I was younger, I always fell for straight boys, sometimes even fooled around with them, and hoped they’d end up wanting me the way I wanted them.” I swiped more frosting off the side of the cupcake and popped my finger into my mouth. “But it always turned out I was just a fantasy or an experiment or a great blowjob, and I don’t want to be in that place again.”

“It makes sense,” Karen said. “And if you don’t think he’s worth the risk—”

“I didn’t say that. That’s not….” I looked down at the counter and the crumbs collected along the edges of the napkin holder. “That’s not what I meant. Because he is. If he weren’t, I wouldn’t have fucked him while Caleb was in the apartment. I didn’t even care if he walked in and saw. I doubt I could have stopped even if he did. I just… wanted Raymond.”

“I had a feeling that would be your response.” Karen grinned when I looked up at her. “I was just thinking maybe you needed to say it out loud.”

“So corny.”

“Maybe. But you admitted it, didn’t you?” She tilted her cup at me. “If you were really so conflicted over who to choose, you wouldn’t have risked Caleb catching the two of you.”

“It’s true.” I picked up my cupcake with a low groan. “Fuck, it’s so true.”

“Yep. So what are you going to do?”

“I have no idea, Karen. For now, I’m just going to eat this damn cupcake.”

MY MOTHER
texted me five times during my walk from SoHo to the Financial District. She was obsessed with Thanksgiving, me coming to Connecticut, and of course who I was bringing with me this year. As if I ever brought anyone.

Broadway got brighter the farther downtown I walked. The crowd thinned and the buildings glittered as I neared what used to be Ground Zero. It had already been a giant construction site by the time I’d moved to Manhattan, and for some reason I could never take my eyes off the giant glass tower that was now soaring into the sky. I felt like a tourist, but everything in the area caught my attention, and I wondered if Raymond ever got this sense of wonder on his way home from work. Somehow, I doubted it.

His building was shorter than the ones surrounding it, so I took the stairs up to LLS and waited. I’d only been there once before, but I knew by this time the receptionist had already gone. It occurred to me too late that Raymond might be annoyed by me arriving uninvited because I might give the wrong impression by stalking his place of employment. But when Raymond stepped into the lobby, he smiled.