Surrender to You (19 page)

If I saw one more naked body part I was seriously going to throw something.

I swiveled in my desk chair, turning away from my computer, where a group of naked individuals got off on my screen. It was the sixth pornographic scene I'd watched in the last four hours, and it was all part of my job.

I had thought becoming a director of porn was going to be fun. And it had been…at first.

What red-blooded male wouldn't want to work in an industry with hot women and access to sex twenty-four hours a day? But a few months ago, I'd been promoted to vice president of White Lace Productions, the largest producer of adult entertainment in Canada, and I had to face facts: I was in way over my head. I was floundering in a sea of corporate tasks that I had no idea how to do. I was now responsible for production schedules, budgets, casting, and actor relations, and I was so out of realm.

I was an artist.

I
was the visionary, for fuck's sake.

I watched as cars traveled east and west on the main road in front of the office building, the harsh moans and grunts playing in the background—the soundtrack to my life. But lately, I couldn't shake the feeling that there had to be more to life than porn.

My office door swung open, tearing my attention away from the monotonous traffic, and a familiar voice blurted behind me.

“I think I've just done something reckless and you might have to talk me off the ledge.”

I swiveled around and watched my best friend, Max Levin, stalk into my office.

Did I mention he was the traitorous asshole who used to be VP and left to pursue his passion, opening a boutique hotel in downtown Toronto?

And he'd left me to figure it out all on my own. The dick.

But with the way his body vibrated with tension, I couldn't be mad right now. Especially because the vein on the side of his forehead looked like it had its own pulse. Max was seriously freaked.

“What did you do?” I rose from my seat, chest and stomach tight with dread.

Max was always the picture of calm. He was the most collected and in-charge person I knew, but this man standing in front of me was a stranger. He had one hand fisted at his side, the other grasping the handle of a white shopping bag. His black hair looked like he hadn't touched it since he emerged from his last shower and the designer suit that always adorned his body was wrinkled and dull.

He slowly reached across his body and his hand disappeared into the bag. Immediately my brain went
American Horror Story
on me and I braced for the sight of a severed head or some other bloody appendage. But no matter how much I prepared myself for the worst, nothing could have prepared me for the sight of the tiny blue velvet box that was placed on the desk in front of me.

It felt like I'd walked into an invisible wall, and my breath was expelled from my mouth in a long whoosh. I had thought I had more time before my best friend left me for the dark side. Deep down, I had thought that things were going to stay the same
despite
Max finding a girlfriend. But I'd been terribly wrong.

So I did the one thing I did best.

“Maxy, you know I love you, but I don't
love
love you.”

He wasn't impressed by me making light of the situation. And even I couldn't laugh any longer when he pulled out another box. He opened both, diamonds sparkling up at me in a disgusting display of happiness.

“You bought two rings?” Just like the way Max carried himself, the rings were modest. They were beautiful, but unrepresentative of his means. He could afford diamonds fit for royalty, but that wasn't how he lived his life. And it only made me admire the man even more.

Max shrugged. “I couldn't decide.”

“So you're going to ask Everly to marry you.” It wasn't a question. It was fact. Not only because of the bling sitting on my desk, but because the moment I had said her name, Max's face softened and the smile he'd had permanently etched on it since the moment Everly Parker had walked into his life returned. There was a lightness that followed him around now, making everything he touched, looked at, felt, more beautiful. I knew it in the way he smiled whenever her name was mentioned. In the way his eyes brightened whenever he was in her presence.

I'd known Max more than half my life, and I hadn't seen him this happy since…ever.

“Am I totally crazy?” Max walked around my desk and joined me in front of the window. We turned and stared out it, watching the cars drive past on their way to destinations unknown.

He wasn't crazy, but having this conversation while women squealed and men grunted dirty commands in the background might be certifiable.

“You're moving in together this weekend,” I said, looking over at him. I noticed the vein in his forehead throbbed a little less. “Marriage would be the next logical step.”

There was nothing logical about love. There was even less logic in letting a woman get so close she fucked with your confidence.

“We've only known each other for five months, but I just can't…” His words trailed off, but he didn't have to finish his sentence. I already knew.

He just couldn't imagine his life without her.

If he weren't my best friend, this display would have made me barf. I didn't believe in love or soulmates, because those things didn't exist, not really. I had resigned myself to living my life unattached, and I was content with that. Because I wasn't worried about me. I worried about the day my best friend woke up and it was all taken away from him.

“Logical.” Max nodded, as if trying to make himself believe he was doing the right thing. “It's the next step.”

I clapped him on the back and his head turned toward me. “It's the right choice, man.” Max let out a heavy breath, relief washing over him as I spoke the five simple words that let him know I supported his decision.

Not that he needed it.

“Now…” I gestured behind us to my desk. “Put those things away. I'm going to need to have major eye surgery if I have to keep looking at them.”

Max laughed, his old self returning as he collected the boxes and slipped them back into the bag. When he was done, he caught sight of the action on my computer screen and one eyebrow lifted in curiosity. “Kayla's a redhead now?”

You knew you worked in the porn industry too long when the first thing you noticed about an orgy scene was the color of an actress's hair.

“I thought we should give it a try since we only have two other redheads.” I couldn't find a redhead willing to do porn if my life depended on it. I'd even settled for a woman with auburn hair, but that only served to remind me of the one I'd let walk away.

You can't lose something you never wanted in the first place.

“Good call.” Max rounded my desk and sat across from me in the metal chair that had black leather cushioning. “How are things going?”

“They're going.” I was determined to rock the VP title, even though I didn't get to do the one thing I loved—get behind the camera. Sitting at a desk all day was a challenge, and I'd developed a newfound respect for Max now that I knew all of the bullshit he'd had to deal with on a regular basis. “I miss being behind the camera.”

Had I known that taking over as vice president of White Lace was going to involve listening to disgruntled porn stars bitch about…everything, I might have reconsidered Hirsh's offer.

Hirsh Levin was the owner of White Lace, and my best friend's father. In some ways, he was my pseudo-father, having practically raised me since he and his late wife, Ellie, had taken me in as a child. But deep down I feared the worst. That one day he would realize I
wasn't
his family and he'd let me go. He owed me nothing, which was why I had stashed away enough money to get me to Silicon Valley in the event Hirsh woke up and finally realized I wasn't worth it. I had contacts in California, and finding someone to hire me wouldn't be too difficult, but it meant having to leave everything behind in order to continue working in an industry I just wasn't sure about anymore.

“I'm sure you can figure out a way to get back to directing.” Max crossed his ankle over his knee, sitting back. “Delegate some of the work. Get Rod to do the casting. Kayla can scout new locations.”

He didn't even work here anymore and he was still handling things, which only proved how out of my depth I really was.

To be honest, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing with my life. Before Max had quit to pursue his own dreams, my life had been contentedly compartmentalized. Work. Sex. Friends. Everything fit neatly into its own little box. But seeing Max happy, successful, and in love, pursuing the life he'd always wanted, had thrown me for a loop.

So I'd made some changes. My life was now one oversized compartment of nose-to-the-grindstone work. No partying. No slacking. And definitely no distractions. Which meant the biggest change of all. A revision to the where-I-stick-my-cock compartment.

For the record, it was nowhere.

I needed to figure out my future—at least on the career front. I couldn't deny there was a part of me that wondered what other opportunities were out there. But I didn't even let myself think about them right now.

“I rented the U-Haul.” I cleared my throat, needing to change the topic of conversation away from my failures. “It's parked out back and ready to move you to Everly's.”

Twenty minutes ago I had thought Max was crazy for moving in with Everly. Now I thought he was crazy for wanting to get married.

“And I've got packing tape and boxes with your name on them.” The smirk on Max's face deserved a punch in the gut.

“You're lucky I consider you my brother, because there is no way in hell I would help anyone else move, let alone pack all of their things.” I rolled my chair under the desk and moved the mouse across my computer screen to check the time remaining on the video. “I just need ten minutes.”

I wasn't going to bother rewinding it to catch up on the time I'd lost talking Max down from the ledge. I was already behind schedule. I should have watched these videos two days ago.

“Take your time.” Max stood, straightening his suit jacket. “I want to give Grace and Sadie as much time as they need to move out. Less chaos.”

Grace and Sadie were Everly's roommates, and I was totally on board with Max's plan. Not because I was averse to chaos, but because I was definitely averse to being in the same room as Grace Nolan—the one I'd let walk away.

“I'm going to wander around,” Max said as he headed for the doorway. “I sort of miss this place.”

Grace and I had had an unforgettable encounter in this very office. Then I'd dismissed her without a second thought.

Or so I'd made her think.

I'd had so many thoughts since that day. I just couldn't tell her that. There was no way in hell I was giving a former escort trained in telling men what they wanted to hear the satisfaction of knowing she'd slipped under my skin and that five months later I still couldn't shake her.

But I did my best, at least at this very moment, and returned to watching people screw.

As if he'd set a timer, ten minutes later Max walked back into my office, waving a pink slips of paper at me.

He held one up and read from it. “ ‘Ben, where have you been? Call me. Amber.' ”

I groaned and returned to watching my scene.

Max shuffled through the papers. “Clarissa called. She thinks you could have fun together.”

When I had stopped returning calls on my cell, women had begun calling the office. Their persistence had no effect on my decision to swear off sex. Not one of those offers was tempting. The funny thing was, if Grace's name was on one of those pink slips of paper, I wouldn't have been able to ignore it.

“Sarah and Jennifer are looking for a third to join their party.” He was standing in front of my desk now. “That sounds like your MO.”

Like any sane man, I avoided commitment and made a point of never letting women get too close. I made it even more impossible by ensuring my sexual encounters were never just a party for two.

“Melissa misses your…Wow. Barbara actually writes these down word for word.” Max laughed.

“I've told Barbara more than once to just throw them away or not take the message at all.”

My angelic assistant, Barbara, probably thought I was some kind of sex fiend.

Aren't you?

“Still on a fast?” Max slipped one hand inside the pocket of his dress pants.

I nodded. He was the only person who knew about the current status of my sex life. And only because he knew me too well for me to hide it.

Without another word, he walked over to the trash can and let the pink pieces of paper fall to their deaths.

He stood there for a moment, distracting me as I tried to keep one eye on the screen and finish this scene. But I could feel the anticipation rolling off his body.

When I looked up, the grown-ass man gave me sad eyes. “I know I said to take your time, but…” He looked like a kid on Christmas morning—wide-eyed excitement and nervousness.

“All right. Let's go.” I closed the media player and shut down my computer. “But I'm not packing your underwear. That's just…sick.”

Max picked up the bag with the engagement rings and was out the door before I could even get up from my desk.

I wasn't a complete asshole. I loved my friend and wanted only the best for him, and if that meant indulging his naive belief in love, then I'd do it—even if I knew it would never be on the horizon for me.

I just didn't believe in nonsense.

“Gentlemen, I hope I've satisfied your needs.”

I had no idea how wonderful it would be to say those words without being naked and in a bed.

One of the executive vice presidents looked across the table at me with utter confusion, his almost white eyebrows nearing his hairline. “So you're saying we should tell the staff exactly what our plans are?”

I had been hired by Ken Wilson, president of Plastic Solutions Inc., to conduct an assessment of his organization, to make recommendations on how he could maximize efficiencies, and to develop an implementation strategy for an aging workforce averse to change.

I stared down the five men around the table. “I know people always spout transparency, but it's true.” A couple of them shook their heads in disagreement. Ken sat stoic, his Grecian 5 hair staring back at me like it was its own entity. “If your staff feels like they are in the loop, that you respect them enough to give them information, then change will work.”

Transparency. Funny how that was always my number one recommendation. Too bad it was the one thing I couldn't employ in my own life.

There were certain things everyone in this room knew about me. I had just graduated with a degree in business and was pursuing my own consulting firm in organizational change management. I was kind, loyal, and fun to be around. Or so I'd been told.

But there was one thing they didn't know about me…

I used to be an escort.

“Ms. Nolan…” The youngest executive sitting at the table looked at me like he had a secret, like he was better than me simply because he had balls. “There's transparency, and then there's transparency.” He pushed the file folder holding my report away from him. “You can't expect the company to involve staff in all decision making. That would be inefficient, not to mention suicidal.”

“I'm not suggesting you involve them in decision making, but allow them to feel like they have a say. Respect them enough to include them in the process.”

During my interviews with staff, I had gone the extra mile and slipped in some questions geared at employee engagement. I wasn't surprised to find out that installing a water purifier in the lunchroom sink or purchasing a communal single-cup coffeemaker would be good for morale.

Ken turned to me with a smile. “I think you've given us a lot to think about, Ms. Nolan.”

I had scared his executives straight. And it felt damn good.

Ken concluded the meeting, then turned to me. “Would you wait a few moments?” He held up his smartphone. “I just have to take care of something.”

I nodded, then began to pack my things.

I'd been running ragged for months trying to start my own consulting firm, but it was turning out to be much harder than I'd anticipated. Every day I woke up paranoid that someone would recognize me and expose my former career. I was in a constant state of nerves and the knot in my stomach I had thought would go away the day I'd stopped being an escort was still there, making me believe that no matter how hard I tried, my past would never be behind me.

Exactly as I'd planned, my contract with Ken was now complete and it was time for me to move on. Next week I'd start a new short-term job at a family-owned less-than-truckload shipping company looking to review their business processes in the hopes of expanding. The break came at the perfect time, considering that tomorrow I would leave the only home that had ever made me feel safe.

I had moved in with my best friend, Everly Parker, and her grandmother when my parents had kicked me out after discovering I was an escort. Everly's house had been my sanctuary. My safety net. The place where I'd first stood on my own two feet, on my own terms, and did what I had to in order to get to this point.

And despite being ecstatic for Everly about her new relationship, I couldn't help but feel lost and exposed. After four years of busting my ass in school, I just didn't think I'd get here and feel so alone.

Not to mention horny.

Quitting sex cold turkey had been harder than I'd thought, and I was doing everything I could to get my mind off it. I'd been taking classes all over the city—painting, pottery, yoga, and spinning. Anything to settle my brain. But no matter how hard I concentrated on the task at hand, I was restless. Jittery. Unable to get the overwhelming ache between my thighs to subside. On the day I had quit my escort position, I'd promised myself no more sex. I'd had plenty of it, after all. I wanted to concentrate on my work now. Alas, my libido had had other plans, and my vibrator was about to break down. I was sure I'd be developing carpal tunnel.

I'd been living a dual life for three years, and I was torn between my old life as an escort and my future. I'd had to become someone else in order to get through my time in the industry, but as I tried to acclimate to a normal life, I realized that I'd let my escort alter ego, Jade, take over, and I had no idea who I was anymore.

I knew that happily-ever-after existed. And I knew that despite my former chosen profession, there was one waiting for me. Because fairly tales are what you make of them. Since childhood, I'd dreamed of finding my Prince Charming, the man who would sweep me off my feet and whisk me away on a white horse to his castle.

Was that dream so unrealistic?

“I think I'm going to have to convince a few of my guys to show up for work on Monday morning.” I jumped when I heard Ken's voice behind me. “You definitely made an impression.”

I stood, pulling my dress down my thighs, looking over at him with a smile. “Wasn't that your point?”

I'd met Ken at a marketplace symposium last year, and for some reason he'd taken a liking to me. He'd handed me his card and said that I could call him anytime for a job. As soon as I graduated, I'd taken him up on his offer.

He sat beside me at the head of the boardroom table, gently swiveling in his chair with his fingers steepled. “You're just too smart for your own good.”

He didn't need this review, and I'd known it when I'd accepted the contract. He was just trying to stir up some awareness among his staff. And I had no problem being a part of it.

“So how was my delivery?”

“Just as insightful and professional as I had expected.” He tapped his fingers on the long glass table. “You've made it quite clear that it's my upper management that requires some additional training.”

“With change comes a shift in priorities, in protocol and rule making, and that challenges the reigns.” I slipped my laptop into its case and collected my highlighters and pens.

He leaned across the oversized table, clasping his hands together. “Are you sure I can't lure you into coming to work for me?”

I gathered up my hair and pulled it to the side, wrapping it around my neck to rest on the right side of my collar.

Ken had been relentless in wooing me to become his personal project assistant, but I wasn't interested in working for someone else. I wanted to control my schedule. I wanted to call the shots. Not to mention that not being in one place for too long minimized the risk of people finding out about my past.

“It's a nice offer, and it's much appreciated, but I want to try things on my own.”

His persistence was baffling and it made all of my red flags go up, because the only reason I'd ever gotten attention from men was because of my looks or what I could do for them in bed.

“Just know the offer stands. If you get tired of going at it alone, give me a call.”

He stared at me and I had no choice but to hold his gaze. Nervousness washed over me, not because he made me uncomfortable, but it was as if Ken staring at me for too long would reveal my secret. How would he react? Would he have given me this opportunity if he'd known about my past?

I didn't want to find out.

“I knew there was something special about you the first time we met and you disagreed with your professor about rational choice theory.”

I found it odd that he'd chosen that moment to form his opinion of me, because I definitely hadn't employed any logical or prudent decisions in my own life. I'd become a damn escort, for goodness sake.

“The office door is always open, Grace.” Ken held out his hand and I shook it.

With an appreciative smile, I walked out of the suburban office building and trekked across the parking lot to my hatchback.

I didn't regret my decision to become an escort. I'd done what I had to do at the time in order to help my family and obtain the future I wanted—to be my own boss and build a career in something I was passionate about. Next up, finding someone to love.

I knew my Prince Charming was out there. I might have to turn over a few extra rocks and kiss a few extra frogs to find him, but I was willing to do the work.

There was a happily-ever-after out there for me, and when I found it, I'd grab on with both hands and never let it go.