Surviving Regret (3 page)

Pulling into the parking lot of the pizza shop Madison shuts the car off but doesn’t get out right away. “You did really good, Macy. I’m proud of you.”

I smile. “Thanks, Madison.” It means a lot that she is proud of me. It felt kind of good to come out of my shell for those few minutes.

Alexa taps on my window, “You coming?”

I reach for the door handle and climb out of the car. The three of us go in and order a pizza to eat there and grab three to go for the guys. The lady looked at us like we were crazy until we told her whom they were for. Their pizza was on the house. That’s what people in this town do for the three superstars.

***

There is a movie playing in the background while the three of us are lying around on Alexa’s couch, blankets surrounding us, waiting for the guys to come back from the field with the coaches and team starters.

“Are you guys packed for our trip to the beach tomorrow?” Alexa asks before taking a sip of her water.

Madison throws her head back and laughs, “What do we need? I don’t plan on needing much…or wearing much for that matter. I plan on being on my back with a dick between my legs.”

Alexa laughs along with her and I roll my eyes, “Shut up. No one wants to hear about you screwing Cash.”

Madison throws a piece of popcorn at me and I catch it in my mouth. “You know Landon’s not going to let you wear any clothes either, so I don’t know why you’re acting all shy.”

And she’s right again. Landon hates any form of clothes and if he had it his way neither of us would ever wear any. His mom says for the first five years he rarely wore clothes. I don’t mind that he doesn’t like wearing clothes. I actually prefer that he doesn’t so I can ogle him any time I want. But, me on the other hand is a different story.

“Isn’t that where you lost your virginity during our sophomore year, Macy?” Alexa probes.

“I think we all did.” Madison laughs. “I lost mine in the driveway.”

I feel the flush building up. That was the best night of my life and I’ll remember it, even when I am old sitting out on my porch while I’m watching my grandkids running around.

Madison ohh’s and ahh’s. She knows the details, most of them, I had to tell someone. Alexa knows some but not as much as my sister.

“Yeah,” I say then look away seeming interested in the T.V. suddenly.

Landon was so gentle and careful with me. He knew how nervous I was, how afraid I was that it was going to hurt. It wasn’t ideal although nothing really ever is with Landon.

We were out lying in the hammock under the stars. It was quiet, the only noise that could be heard was from the bugs. Cash and Madison were in the room they were staying in probably fooling around. Steven and Alexa were out on the deck talking, lost in their own world.

Landon pulled me so that I was lying on top of him. My legs straddled his hips. After a few minutes of kissing he pushed his hips up causing me to moan into his mouth and pushed back down.

He put both of his hands on either side of my face. “Baby, we have to stop.”

I was breathless and my body was overtaken with need. It was different than it normally was. A good kind of different.

“I don’t want to,” I whispered.

Landon moaned against my lips. We rolled and he was on top of me again. I loved the feel of his weight pressing down on me. His hand slipped under my shirt. Goosebumps spread over my skin and I arched my back into his touch needing more, wanting more.

Before I knew it my shirt was gone along with my bra. We were chest to chest, nothing separated us. Landon’s hand skimmed down my sides and his fingers dipped into the waistband of my jeans. He got to the button and flicked it open. My breaths started coming in pants.

I ran my trembling hands through Landon’s hair anchoring myself to him. I could tell he wasn’t nervous. He didn’t have trouble getting my bra unhooked, his hands were steady and he was calm. Landon slid my zipper down slowly. Alexa laughed in the distance at something Steven said and Landon stopped briefly. He tried to turn his head but I wouldn’t let him. I didn’t want to lose that connection we had going on.

I ran my fingernails up and down Landon’s back like he liked. He shivered and slid off me to the side. I was about to say something but I didn’t get the chance before he started tugging on my jeans. He had only moved so he could get my pants off. I took a deep breath and lifted my hips to help him.

Once my pants and panties were off Landon climbed back on top of me.

He looked down at me, “You okay?”

I nodded my head unable to speak as he rocked into the place that I wanted him, needed him.

I panted. My eyes rolling into the back of my head.

He stopped kissing my neck and moved so he could see me. “What’s the matter?”

I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed but I knew what I wanted. Landon seemed to understand what I wanted though from just the simplest look I gave him. He reached between us and undid his button and zipper. He looked at me and I nodded. I wanted them gone. I wanted nothing between us.

Steven yelled. “Stop fucking on my hammock!”

I giggled because that’s exactly what was about to happen. I should’ve felt a little uncomfortable knowing they were right there but they couldn’t see us. You could barely see your hand in front of your face. The only light was the moon and stars up in the sky. Plus, I knew Landon would cover me before covering himself.

“Shut up, asshole!” Landon yelled back but didn’t stop pushing his jeans down.

Once they were down around his ankles he leaned back down and cupped my face in his hands. “Are you sure this is what you want? We don’t have to do this, you know this already. I’m not in a hurry.”

I nodded because if I opened my mouth he would’ve heard the nervousness within me and he would have stopped whether I wanted him to or not.

“You’re sure?” he asked again.

He needed to hear the words. He wanted me to say them so there was no doubt.

I begged for my voice to come out with the confidence I needed. “Yes.”

Landon sat up and dug around behind him. He pulled his wallet out and dug out a condom then tossed the wallet on the ground.

I watched as he started to slide it on. He felt my eyes on him. I wanted to roll it on but I didn’t know how to ask. Landon being Landon and knowing me so well reached for my hand. Together we put it on. He helped me to guide it to where he just had the condom rolled over the head of his dick.

“I’m not gonna lie, Macy.” Landon breathed deeply. “It’s going to hurt.”

I nodded but knew he couldn’t see me. “I know.” That time you could hear how nervous I truly was.

Landon was right, it hurt like hell but as he whispered how much he loved me and how beautiful I was in my ear with each thrust seemed to make it not hurt as much. Tears spilled but I didn’t want him to stop. He didn’t last very long and I was thankful for that because I wasn’t sure how much more I could take of the pain. Toward the end it felt good but not that good to beg him to keep going like Madison said I would.

When it was over Landon held me close and kissed away my tears.

“My shining star,” Landon whispered.

“What?”

“You’re my shining star.”

I sighed and buried my face into his neck. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. Madison told me that you bleed after your first time and that was all I could think about. I began to freak out thinking he was going to freak out. I was a hot fucking mess.

“What’s wrong? Does it hurt that much?” Landon asked.

“I, uh…”
How do I tell him this?
“I need to go to the bathroom.”

Landon chuckled easing my discomfort or at least that was what I thought he was doing. Maybe he had no idea the after sex part of the whole awkward situation. “Come on.” He leaned to the side and rolled off the hammock.

He pulled up his boxers first and I cringed. I wanted to tell him to stop because of the blood but I didn’t. I was too embarrassed. After he pulled his jeans up he held a hand out for me. I took it and rolled off the hammock. I had no idea where any of my clothes were. Landon leaned down for his shirt. I sighed in relief that I didn’t have to fumble around in the dark naked to make it back to the house. After he pulled it down over my head we walked hand-in-hand into the house. No one was up or they were at least in bed.

I let go of Landon’s hand when we reached the bathroom. “I’ll be right out.”

I stepped into the bathroom and tried to shut the door but Landon stopped it. I looked up at him and the corner of his lip pulled up into a half smile. “I’ll help you.”

My eyes grew wide and my cheeks burned in embarrassment.

“We’ll take a shower together,” he offered.

It was a good idea but I was still nervous. Lord knows I shouldn’t be after what we just shared.

Landon lifted my chin, “Look at me.” And I did. “I know you’re embarrassed but you don’t need to be. It’s you and I and nothing will come between us.” He kissed me then as my heart beat wildly against my chest. “Thank you.”

My eyebrows drew in confusion, “For what?”

“For sharing that with me,” he whispered quietly.

All my fears, nervousness and awkwardness faded away after that. As Landon washed me from head to toe, he washed all those feelings away.

Alexa sighs, “Do you think things will be different next year when we’re all away at college?”

No one was really sure where we were all going to end up after we graduated high school. Steven was the first to get accepted to the University of Oregon and Alexa applied right away after that. She got in the same week that Landon was offered scholarships at the University of Washington and Alabama State. So naturally I applied to both along with the University of Oregon but I was hoping I’d get accepted to wherever Landon went. Cash had scholarship offers coming in from a bunch of different schools; so many that Madison gave up applying to any until he picked one. By the start of his senior year he had over thirty colleges to choose from. Two weeks after Steven accepted his scholarship, Landon and Cash accepted the offer too. It’s like they were waiting on him. So that’s how we all wound up going to one school.

I nod, “Things are going to be a lot different but in a good way.” I shrug. “We’ll have more freedom and we’ll all still be together.”

Madison and Alexa nod in agreement.

“Do you think we’ll still have nights like these?” Alexa asks.

I smile.

“Of course we will.” Madison answers. “We’ll all be shit-faced a time or two and we’ll do it together.”

“We’ll always be there for each other. We may make new friends, we may not spend as much time together but one thing that will never change is our friendship.”

Madison laughs, “I’ll be there to hold your hair up when you’re puking.”

Alexa smiles, “You mean I’ll be holding your hair up.”

Madison shrugs.

***

When the guys finally arrived we were in the heated pool. Alexa’s parents were cool as hell and allowed us to have a couple of beers as long as we weren’t going to be driving anywhere. I was just opening my second one when Landon snatched it out of my hand and downed the entire can in two gulps.

“Landon,” I yelled.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, “Sorry, baby.” He grins then reaches for another, opens it and hands it to me.

Landon slides in behind me and pulls me back on his lap, kissing and nipping at my neck. Landon is running on adrenaline, ready for tomorrow’s game and he’s looking to get rid of some that pent-up energy so he can sleep tonight. I know right now that I’ll be up late and I’m craving absolutely anything that he wants to give me.

Steven is messing around with his music and hooks it up to the outside speakers. I catch him glance over at Alexa who shakes her head smiling and “Ice Ice Baby” comes on. I feel Landon’s hips jolt like he can’t sit still.

“Show us those moves from the pep rally!” I yell over the music. It’s probably a bad idea but who cares. The guys need a little fun and a reason not to have to think about the game tomorrow.

It’s all fun and games until Cash smacks his elbow showing Madison his dance moves.

“Whoa!” Steven holds up his hands trying to help Cash stand up. “That’s enough. You can’t get hurt!”

Landon is talking to Steven and Alexa and I suddenly hear a loud flop followed by another. “Did you just strip?” Landon asks.

Cash and Madison don’t answer, their faces connect as one, and I’m wondering how they’re even breathing right now. It’s dark since we left the lights off but you can still see silhouettes in the night. Landon and Steven drop their shorts within seconds and I see Alexa taking her top off. I look away not wanting to see anything. This is the shit I’m talking about. I’m not brave like them. My mind is running over the different scenarios about what will happen if someone catches us or sees me naked.

I don’t even realize that Landon is swimming over to me until he nudges my legs apart. He kisses my chest right between my breasts. He wraps his arms around me and pulls on the strings of my bikini. I hold the little triangles against my boobs, “What are you doing?” I whisper.

I see a smirk appear on Landon’s face, “Getting you naked.”

“Not out here.” I try twisting away but he stops me.

“Baby, no one can see you.”

“Yes, they can.”

“Do you think they care, they’re naked too?”

I think about that for a second, no one would care because they’re all busy worrying about each other. I take a deep breath and bite on my bottom lip before moving my hands and letting my top come off.

Landon takes it and throws it somewhere behind me before attacking me with his lips. He’s everywhere all at once and all I can do is hold on.