Sweet Bits (5 page)

“Uh, yeah, a little,” he lied. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you back earlier.”

“No problem,” said Ali. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing serious, just a little bug, I guess. I’m doing OK,” he said sitting up on his couch where he’d dropped after work and hadn’t moved.

“Poor baby,” said Ali. “Need me to bring you some soup or something?”

“Nah, I’m good,” he said. He really wanted her to come over and help him decide what to do. It was now Wednesday and he had to decide by Friday. It was now or never. He knew he absolutely wanted to confide in her and get her help.

“Hey, Ali?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you come over? I need to talk to you.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“No, it’s not serious or anything, or maybe it is…I don’t know…” He was so confused.

“Hmm, OK that doesn’t make me feel any better,” she said. “I’ll be right over.”

***

The next morning Ben got up with a fuzzy head. He and Ali had spent the better part of the night talking, weighing the pros and cons, trying to figure out a decision when their conversation had uncovered a deep secret Ben had been carrying.

At first, Ali was pro—for the idea. She thought it was a great opportunity. Ben had agreed verbally, but he still had reservations.

“But, what about us? We’ve just re-connected again,” he said.

“Phones, planes, computers? Any of this ring a bell? We’ll talk all the time,” she said. “Plus, I’ll have someone to stay with when I come to Munich,” she grinned. She didn’t want to admit that she wanted him to stay, to pass it up and be there for her and not leave, but she didn’t dare say it. It was too good of an opportunity for him and she didn’t dare stand in the way.

Ben smiled wearily. “I guess,” he said. “I just hate leaving my best friend.”

Ali smiled at him. “It felt good to be called his best friend. I’ll never let you really leave again,” she said.

They had locked eyes and for a moment Ali thought he might kiss her. It was a strange, but not unpleasant thought. In all the years they had been friends when younger, they were always more like brother and sister. Since re-connecting now, it was different. They were more mature, more adult and her feelings were different. She certainly didn’t think of him as a brother.

Ben got up suddenly. “Want some pizza?” he asked. “I’m going to order a pizza.” He had felt the electric moment between them and needed to change the mood quickly. “If I’m going to keep you here, the least I can do is feed you dinner.”

They had polished off the pizza and an order of breadsticks, a bottle of red wine and two candy bars Ben had in the fridge. Ben sat back on the sofa and rubbed his stomach. He hadn’t eaten much in two days, but after talking with Ali he had a ravenous appetite. “I’m stuffed”, he said.

“You should be,” she laughed. “You ate most of that pizza!”

“Honestly, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep much since getting that, I guess you’d call it a promotion,” he said. He turned to her. “So you really think I should take it?”

“Do you want to take it?” she asked.

He still didn’t know. It was a great opportunity but it was taking him further down the path in this career he was starting to hate. Maybe Munich would reignite his passion for the job; maybe not.

“Honestly, I just don’t know.” He looked at her. “I need to admit something.”

She looked at him intently.

“I haven’t been very happy in my job for quite some time now. “

She said nothing.

“I mean I’m doing well at work, I’m just not enjoying it.”

She continued to listen silently as he spoke candidly about his feelings and his desire to chuck it all and do something else, something that fulfilled him.

Ali rubbed her lips together. She would never say “I told you so” to him, but she thought it. All she said was, “I understand.”

“You do? “

“Yeah, of course. I’m not going to get into it, but you know I’ve never thought being an attorney was right for you.”

Ben nodded and looked at the ceiling. Here it was. They were finally going to talk about it.

“I know,” he said. “You might have been right after all.”

“I don’t want to be right, Ben. I want you to be happy.”

He was sitting with his head on the back of the sofa looking at the ceiling. He rolled his head over to look at her. She was looking him straight in the eye. “If you’re not happy, then find something that makes you happy.”

“But all the work, the time, the schooling…” he started.

“So? So you spend some years doing one thing and found out you don’t like it. You’ve had a good career, but you’re young. You can do something else.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he said. He knew lawyers quit the law all the time and went into different careers. “It’s just working for these client is so…boring! It’s all just paperwork and negotiations and contracts,” he said. “When I got into law I wanted to really help people with it.”

“So, you like being a lawyer, you just don’t like your job?”

Ben sat upright. That thought had never occurred to him. He looked at her. “Yeah, I guess so.” It was a revelation and a weight seemed to lift off of him.

“So, that’s not so hard. Just find another job where you can practice law and really help people.”

“And make no money,” he said.

Her eyes narrowed. “Ben Harper, I’m surprised at you. I never thought money meant that much to you.”

“Actually, it doesn’t.” He had only echoed the words his Dad had said to him so many times before about how he would never make any money as a teacher. He was alarmed to hear the words come out of his own mouth. “I mean I don’t need this place,” he said looking around at his penthouse condo with city lights views and a spacious layout.

Ali looked around. “It’s nice, though,” she said smiling.

“Yeah, but really Ali, this is all to impress my Dad.” There he said it. It was not a thought he had lucidly or ever something he said out loud. He was surprised he had admitted it to Ali, but there it was. This whole life was to impress the one person he seemed to be continually trying to prove something to: his father.

Ali just nodded her head slowly. She had known it all along. Ben was never someone to buy fancy cars or clothes. He was always fairly simple and unimpressed by European labels and penthouse addresses.

Ben’s eyes were watery as he thought of all he’d done to impress the one person who had died without ever giving him a sign that he was proud of him. He was still trying to impress his dead father. The thought made him feel ill. It was almost too much to bear.

Ali went to Ben and hugged him. After a few long minutes, they sat close and Ali just said “Ben, it’s your life to live. Just be happy.”

At that moment, Ben knew two things: He was no longer going to try to live up to someone else’s expectations. And he knew he loved Ali as more than just a friend.

“So, where does that leave me?” asked Tess.

Ben had just told her about his not accepting the new position. “I gave you an amazing reference and for now, I’m still trying to get them to keep you on.” Ben looked at her. “I’m sorry, but I’d start looking if I were you.”

Tess slumped. Shoot. “I thought my problems were over when I heard about you getting that offer for Munich. Imagine! Germany. How can you not take it?”

“I just don’t think I’m the right fit for the job,” he said realizing just how true that statement was. When he gave Jones the news, he understood his days were likely numbered. Jones had not been happy to have his offer not accepted and made it quite obvious.

Ben didn’t care; he had freed himself from a weight he’d been carrying far too long. In the process, he made a clear reckoning about his feelings for Ali. Unfortunately, he was sure she didn’t feel the same.
Wasn’t he?

***

“I’ve made my decision!” exclaimed Ali. Her eyes were glowing and her cheeks were rosy. “I’m going to the culinary school in San Francisco!”

Ben almost spit up his water he was sipping as she made her announcement. “San Francisco? That’s across the country.”

“Yeah, I know, but all things considered it’s where I want to go. They’ve got a regular culinary arts program and a pastry chef program and the admission director says I can take both consecutively or one at a time.”

Ben blinked. San Francisco. He’d just given up the chance to go to Germany and now Ali was leaving to go to California. He tried to hide his disappointment. “Good for you,” he said mustering up a smile. “It’s pricey living out there, isn’t it, though?”

“Yeah, that’s the only thing that worries me. I visited out there once before and just loved it, but I know it’s expensive. I’ve been saving so I think I can just about swing it. I might have to take a part-time job, though.”

Ben stroked his chin. There was nothing he could say. Once Ali made her mind up about something, it couldn’t be changed. He’d always known that, but this time he was hoping for a miracle.

“I leave in late August, in time for the September courses,” she said, giddy with excitement. “Want to come out and help me find a place to live?”

Ben was torn; going to San Francisco with Ali was a dream come true. Helping her find somewhere to live while he came back to Illinois was not. He smiled. “Of course! It’ll be fun.” he said as brightly as he could. Lately, lying was becoming something he did more and more often and he didn’t like himself for it. His grandmother’s words echoed in his ears “God doesn’t favor liars,” she’d say.

“Awesome!” She swung her arms around his neck. “I can’t wait. I’ve already started pricing airline tickets and I found a good deal for early next month around July 7
^th
. Does that work for you?”

Ben nodded. He was agreeing to go to California and to help Ali start a life without him. “Sure, it sounds great,” he lied. He could see his grandmother shaking a finger at him from heaven.

***

Ali was beaming as she buckled her seat belt and settled into the airplane seat. Ben didn’t share her enthusiasm but was hiding it well. She had found them airline tickets and booked a hotel with adjoining rooms. She couldn’t believe how incredible it was to finally start living her dream.

The flight was smooth and uneventful and they arrived in a partly foggy San Francisco in the late afternoon. It was cool and they both had to dig out jackets to put on.

”Don’t you just love it?” asked Ali.

“Hmm,” mumbled Ben. He felt like he was going through the motions and watching events unfold before him. Was this really happening?

He looked at Ali. Her golden brown hair was blowing around her face and her cheeks were pink in the cool air. Her eyes were bright and she had a constant smile on her face. He was happy for her but every moment he spent in wrestling with his thoughts and feelings and some way to make this all stop.

“Let’s change and then meet in the lobby in about an hour,” said Ali. “I want to go by the school and get a feel for things.”

Ben agreed and one hour later they were in the lobby. Ali had changed from a tee shirt into a light sweater and jeans. She had on a light blue scarf wrapped casually around her neck; Ben still had on his same jeans and tee with a sweater jacket over it. They set off in the direction of the school which was not far from where they were staying.

“I can’t believe it’s really happening!” exclaimed Ali as they stood outside the culinary schools front doors. Aspiring chefs milled around in their clogs and chef coats. “I’m going to be one of them in a just a few weeks!”

Ben watched the students and imagined Ali as one of them. It wasn’t hard to do. He especially watched the male students, which seemed to slightly outnumber the females. It caused him to frown but Ali didn’t notice. She couldn’t stop beaming.

***

Her smiled had diminished somewhat three days later when they arrived back home. The search for affordable housing was daunting. They saw numerous teeny, tiny spaces with cramped living conditions and nothing that looked appealing on Ali’s comparatively small budget. Ali tried to stay positive but she realized it would take a lot more money than she had saved to find anything even remotely resembling a decent apartment.

“I don’t know…maybe it’s a pipe dream,” she sighed as they had flown back. “I don’t think I’ll be able to hold down a job and go to school…” She had met with the admission’s counselor and found the school’s curriculum had looked pretty full discouraging any hope of working and trying to pass classes.

Ben had watched her slightly deflate over the time in San Francisco. He couldn’t help but be slightly happy about it and it made him feel awful to take any joy in her sadness. “Have you checked out other schools in other areas where maybe it’s not so expensive?”

“Yeah, I have. There’s actually one in Oregon that’s supposed to be good and even one here in Chicago that is top-level. I just had dreams of going away and not staying here…” she trailed off.

“Well, I believe you will make your dreams happen, but what if you stayed here and went to school and lived off your savings and stayed in your apartment? You wouldn’t have to work or learn a new area. You could just concentrate on learning.”

“I know, that really makes the most sense. I guess I was living in a fantasy,” she said frowning. “Crazy Ali!”

Ben grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “I wish I could make it different and make it work for you,” he said. He actually really meant it. Seeing her deflated made him sad and even though he wanted her to stay, he couldn’t feel good about it knowing she was unhappy.

“Thanks,” she said smiling at him weakly. “I think you’re probably right. Oh well, we got a trip to San Francisco if nothing else.”

He loved how she always tried to see the bright side of things. It was one of her most attractive characteristics.