Sweet Jayne (43 page)

He stares for a long time at the picture. The man in the picture is Logan holding Tay’s hand. The woman is me and I get to hold the unhappy monster’s hand. Except in the picture, there’s not a sun or clouds or the family standing in front of a house. No. In the picture, we’re in the living room of the basement. The grey walls are neatly colored in around the figures.

“Did you drive here alone?” he asks, his eyes never leaving the picture.

My entire body tenses. “No, Jason brought me. Like usual.”

His gaze lifts to mine and he looks me over. At one time, his scrutiny terrified me. That was before I loved him. But I’ll always love him to some degree, so he doesn’t scare me anymore. What I have to tell him—words that will break his heart—that’s what scares me.

“I wanted to tell you this in person. Not through our letters. Jason and I…” Tears well in my eyes and my lip trembles. “We’re pregnant. He wants to marry me, Logan.”

His jaw clenches and another tear streaks down his cheek. When he doesn’t say anything, I bring a couple of photographs from my lap and slide them across to him. Mostly they are of the kids. A few are of me and the kids. One is Jason holding Kass on his hip at Tay’s baseball game.

“Does he make you happy?”

I nod and reach for him again. He lets me touch his fingers. “Very. It’s been a long road for us. There’re still days we both have trouble dealing with certain things from our past. But this is good news to us. A baby is always good news.”

His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat as he swallows. “Do you love him?”

“I do. He’s so good to our kids too. You know what a nice guy he is.”

He stares at me as if he wants to memorize every freckle on my face. I wish the stupid guards would just unshackle him and let me hug him. “No man ever wants to give his blessing for the mother of his children to move on from him…”

Sniffling, I nod and fortify my heart to say my next words. “I know. And I’m not asking for your blessing. I’m telling you, Logan. I choose this for myself. You weren’t a choice but I learned to love you anyway. Because of your actions, I was given two children I would die for. I’m grateful for what you gave me. But please realize this is not me asking. I love you. I always will. If you love me too, you’ll make peace with this. Our children deserve this.
I
deserve this.”

He regards me with a tortured expression. It slices through my heart but I knew it was inevitable. This had to be said.

“You have three more minutes,” the gruff guard mumbles from somewhere behind me.

We both flinch at the realization that the visitation is nearly over.

“Does this mean it’s over? That you’ll stop coming to see me? That my children will eventually forget who I am?” His voice wobbles with each word.

Shaking my head vehemently at him, I meet his stare with a firm one of my own. “Absolutely not. It may go against my brother’s and Nadia’s wishes, but I won’t abandon you. I’m probably the only person, besides the kids, on this planet who cares about you. It would be impossible for me to ever fully let you go. I promise I’ll visit you. We’ll still send pictures and updates. The kids look forward to when you send them letters. Nothing is changing as far as that goes. But I am going to move forward with Jason. We’re going to go on and have a good life together.”

His tears don’t stop but he doesn’t argue. He just stares at me as if he has the ability to keep me here forever. At one time, he had the power to keep his little doll all to himself. But now, his little doll is grown up. She’s standing on her own two feet and doing things her way.

“Time to go, inmate,” the guard says.

I stand as he helps Logan to his feet. The guard groans but allows me to press a chaste kiss to Logan’s cheek. His dark, pained eyes stay trained on mine as he’s ushered away from me without so much as a goodbye. My chest hurts but I also feel lighter. The news is still fresh and he’ll be upset but eventually he’ll learn to accept it.

The walk out of the facility and into the lobby is a blur. When I push through the doors and the warm sunshine hits my face—a feeling I still feel grateful for every day—I clutch my stomach and pray I don’t lose my lunch. But when two strong arms wrap around me from behind, I finally relax.

Jason’s presence blankets me and I feel safe.

“Everything go okay?” he questions, his palms splayed out on my small baby bump.

I cover his hands with mine and nod. “It was hard. Just like we knew it would be. But I’m ready. Ready to move forward.”

He removes one of his hands and shoves it into his pocket. When he brings it back, he’s holding a small gold ring with a tiny cluster of diamonds that shimmer around a larger diamond. I bite my lip to keep the tears at bay as he slips it on my finger.

“Marry me, angel.”

Twisting in his arms, I wrap my arms around his neck and stand on my toes to kiss him. He wastes no time tangling his tongue with mine. Jason tastes like cinnamon and hope and love all rolled into one delicious kiss.

“Is that a yes?” he questions against my lips, a smile breaking out on his face.

I pull away from his kiss and hug him tight. He lifts me from the ground, spinning me in a slow circle. The high cinderblock walls and barbed wire fence may be the background of his proposal but the sun shining down on us is all that matters right now.

Everything was once all screwed up and terrifying and confusing. At times, I didn’t think this life was even worth living. But all the bad got me here. To the now. From darkness, my two adorable children were birthed in perfect light. Eventually, I was given a chance at a full, satisfying life, despite the long and downright awful journey to get where I am now.

Was it worth it?

“Yes.”

Every single moment was completely worth my eventual happy ending.

And lucky for me, my happiness doesn’t end here.

It’s only beginning.

THE END

Listen to the entire playlist
here
.

Sweet Jane
– Cowboy Junkies

Crimson and Clover
– Tommy James & The Shondells

Take Out the Gunman
– Chevelle

Hotel California
– Eagles

Tainted Love
– Marilyn Manson

Fade Into You
– Mazzy Star

Love is Not Enough
– Nine Inch Nails

The Way
– Saigon Kick

Crown of Thorns
– Mother Love Bone

Stargazer
– Mother Love Bone

Ain’t That a Kick in the Head
– Dean Martin

Wonderwall
– Oasis

Killing Me Softly With His Song
– Fugees

Kiss From a Rose
– Seal

Truly Madly Deeply
– Savage Garden

Crazy
– Aerosmith

Stairway to Heaven
– Led Zeppelin

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper
– Blue Oyster Cult

You’re So Vain
– Marilyn Manson

Thank you to my husband, Matt. You wash clothes and feed mouths when Momma Bear is hard at work. I couldn’t have picked out a better man. My love for you never wanes. Only grows stronger with each day.

A huge thanks to Nikki McCrae. Your support and help is what keeps me going. I know I can always count on you to set me straight and remind me of who I am when I’m not being Author K Webster. Thanks for always bringing me back to reality. If it weren’t for you, my head would always be in the clouds and I’d probably forget to eat breakfast most days. You’re my voice of reason.

Thank you to Sunny Borek. You’ve become a great friend to me. I appreciate that you always let me throw ideas at you, no matter how weird and wild, and then wave your pom-poms in the air to cheer me on. You make me happy when skies are grey.

I want to thank the people who either beta read this book or proofed it early. Nikki McCrae, Elizabeth Clinton, Ella Stewart, Jessica Hollyfield, Amy Bosica, Shannon Martin, Brooklyn Miller, Robin Martin, Amy Simms, Rebecca Graham, and Sunny Borek, (I hope I didn’t forget anyone) you all gave me great feedback and the support I needed to carry on. You all give me helpful ideas to make my stories better and give me incredible encouragement. I appreciate all of your comments and suggestions.

A big thank you to my author friends who have given me your friendship and your support. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Thank you to all of my blogger friends both big and small that go above and beyond to always share my stuff. You all rock! #AllBlogsMatter

I’m especially thankful for my Krazy for K reader group. You ladies are wonderful with your support and friendship. Each and every single one of you is amazingly supportive and caring. I love that we can all be weird page sniffers together.

I am totally thankful for my author group, the COPA gals, for being there when I need to take a load off and whine. Y’all rock!

Vanessa Bridges, you’re my hero. You totally somehow see the greater vision within my story and pull it to the surface. I’m grateful that you can understand what it is I’m trying to convey. I love that you aren’t afraid to cut my story up until it’s hemorrhaging, only to guide my trembling hands in stitching it back up to perfection. It comes out raw, real, and thought provoking because of your work on it. The wounds and scars only show the fight of how the story came to be. Keep your blade sharp and I’ll keep offering my bloody heart to you over and over again. And, Manda Lee, you always help my story become so much better with your helpful feedback and notes. Finally, thank you, Jessica D. I’m glad to have your eagle-eyes on the last pass. Love you ladies!

Thank you Stacey Blake for taking my hard work and shining it into something pretty. Your magic is the finishing touch that turns my bloody, scarred up project into the belle of the ball. Love you!

A big thanks to my PR gal, Nicole Blanchard. You are fabulous at what you do and keep me on track!