Sweet Karoline (14 page)

"
She is Miriam and she is Dembi."

Miriam
comes over to his side, gently taking his hands again. She can see the discomfort written in the expression of my eyes and mouth, snapshots of her own without the judgment.

"
That's it, Dembi. We look exactly the same."

"
Amazing," I manage to stammer. "Obviously you and I are identical twins. And he is our triplet. But he can't be identical. He still looks just like us. But he's mentally…"

I
blather, saying the wrong things. Rude selfish Anne bubbles to the surface so easily. Aftershocks from yet another earthquake.

Miriam
takes pity on me, though there is a flash of anger and disgust that she quickly abolishes in favor of sympathy.

"
You're right. Obviously up until now I thought we were fraternal twins, not triplets. And yes, he's different. But you will be amazed by Dembi in so many ways. If you stay long enough to learn."

There
's an accusation in her tone. An assumption that I am simply on a research mission to gather the bare facts but unwilling to live with what I discover. She is not entirely wrong. She's my twin and she can see through my façade, my fancy L.A. clothes, my ridiculous responses. But I am determined to prove that only Ice Queen Anne would have responded negatively. That I have evolved. I am loved. I have learned regret and humility and layers of emotion. I am no longer Surface Anne.

"
I would like to stay long enough, Miriam."

I
don't know how to describe my journey to her. Who I am. What I am. "I killed my best friend. I threw her away like a bag of unwanted clothing. Then I came looking for my family." Might not be a good way to introduce myself.

"
I'd like to get to know you and Dembi. I'd like to meet our mother…"

Dembi
clasps my hands. His own slightly unfurl in my palm as though he has relaxed in my presence. I feel somehow complimented.

"
You stay with us. You are us."

Tears
come unbidden, slipping down my cheeks. I am not used to handling these feelings that well inside me. I begin to sob. There are no controls, no handbook. No Karoline to help me through this part. No voices at all.

My
siblings sit on either side of me as though we have done this all our lives. That circle of three re-created by blood and luck.

When
I am calm once more, Miriam sits up straight and slides a distance away from me on the bench. Dembi remains glued to my side. He's so close that I can feel the heat from his body. Hear the beat of his heart. He hums a sad song in my ear, very softly, comforting himself and me.

"
I can't do anything until you explain how two sisters can have the exact same name," Miriam says. "I realize that we were all adopted out, but to believe that two of you ended up being Anne Williams is ridiculous."

"
I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. What other Anne Williams?"

"
The one who's been coming here for the last three years. The one who found our mother first, eventually contacted me, brought me here. The one who helped with our mother's illness and Dembi's needs. Our sister. Anne Williams. She lives in Los Angeles."

Suddenly
I understand. How could I not? This is a repeat of what she did with Giulio and Paolo. I unfold my wallet, slide an old square out from the hidden pocket and hand it to Miriam. It's one of those photos from a fair. Karoline and I squished into a booth. Eyes widened by the flash. Mouths opened in unabashed fun. My twin stares at it for a century, silent and confused.

"
She was my friend," I say, stumbling slightly on the last word. "Her name was Karoline."

Miriam
's eyes fill with tears. I feel the reactions of dismay and disappointment at the betrayal as though they are my own, which indeed they are. For a moment I wish I could put my arm around her narrow shoulders but a wall of doubt prevents me from doing it. Old cold Anne struggles with the emotionally immature new one.

Dembi
has no such qualms or conflicts. He goes to Miriam's side, puts his arm around her. His head on her shoulder, he stares down at the picture.

"
Sister," he says.

Sister,
friend, mentor, guide, colleague, genius. How many faces had Karoline presented? Clever, deceitful, unforgiven Karoline.

A
couple of squirrels scream above our heads, leaping frantically across the branches. Just then a big grey and black tabby cat strolls onto the porch, heaving himself at Dembi's feet.

"
Rolly," he says in delight.

He
picks the big feline up like a toddler, cuddling him on his shoulder. The animal purrs and settles into Dembi's arms, an obviously frequent embrace. The squirrels are not so impressed by the presence of a cat.

Still
there is silence from Miriam, though she smiles briefly at our brother and his pet. At last she turns to look into my eyes. It's a weird sensation having that face inches away, identical yet separate. Her thoughts her own, the vibrations and expressions so similar.

"
Why would…Karoline…do this?"

Despite
the fact that more tears are struggling to be released I keep my gaze on hers. I angrily push my sorrow back, tired of the emotional wreck I've become.

"
I don't know. I just can't explain it, Miriam. She had a breakdown, a complete mental collapse."

My
sister hasn't noticed that I use the past tense for Karoline, so I try to gentle my voice when I tell her.

"
She committed suicide."

Miriam
gasps but Dembi is too wrapped up in Rolly to take note. I'm not sure he would even understand the word.

"
Oh my god, that's horrible. That's…" Miriam bursts into tears. "I was so angry with her for abandoning us. She just stopped all contact. No more visits, calls, just silence. And all along, she was…"

She
lifts her tear-stained face to study my expression.

"
How did you handle all that?"

"
I had a severe bout of depression too when I found all of this hidden information about my own life. I still don't understand how she could betray me like this. I can't quite forgive her. Or myself for that matter."

"
Yourself?"

I
choke back the urge to tell her everything.

"
I didn't do enough to save her. She broke down practically in front of me, but I kept thinking she'd come back to herself. Maybe I was just lazy or in denial, or whatever. In any event, she's gone."

Miriam
weeps quietly. The tears track slowly down her cheeks. Her shoulders hunch over.

"
I grew to love Anne," she says, then corrects herself. "Karoline, I mean. I don't understand either. Maybe now we never will. But she found me and led me to Memé and Dembi, so I can't quite be angry. Just very confused."

She
turns around and puts her arms around me, drawing me close to her in a fierce hug. At first I am startled into my usual reaction, an instinct to pull away. Then I feel the heat from her skin, the dampness of her tears. Smell the light perfume that she wears. I respond to the energy flowing from her. I wrap my arms around her, too. I cling to this other version of me. My blood and my cells twinned in another human being who'd loved Karoline.

"
And now I have you, too."

Miriam
is so natural and gentle. She's already open to accepting me, giving her love to me. I know that I can learn a lot from her. We both cry for a while, soaking each other's shoulder, both with regret, though mine is a much different version from my sister's.

When
we part I notice Dembi sitting at our feet. His arms encircle our legs, giving us unnoticed comfort. True anonymous charity.

Oblivious
to the human drama, Rolly stretches out on the porch.

"
Triplets," Dembi says.

Something
about the forlorn sound of his voice makes both Miriam and me smile. We reach down at the same time and pull him into our circle.

I
am nearly breathless from the strange emotions zinging through me. I feel as though I have my formidable trio back again.

Miriam
lifts her head from the huddle.

"
I hadn't heard from Anne…Karoline…for months. I called and there was never any answer."

I
think of the deserted telephone in Karoline's room. We'd had separate lines for so many years that I hadn't even thought about it. She must have unplugged it that night. Had she anticipated what was going to happen?

"
I assumed she couldn't handle Memé's condition."

I
focus once again on Miriam.

"
Who's Memé?"

Dembi
heads excitedly for the front door, pulling me along. "Memé!"

"
Wait, Dembi," Miriam says, her voice stern. "Let me tell Anne first."

"
Anne?" He looks around, searching. I realize he expected Karoline to be standing there.

"
I'm Anne, too," I tell him, pointing at myself. "Anne, too."

"
Anne, too," he says, astounded. "Triplet Anne."

Miriam
and I laugh together.

"
Exactly," I say.

"
Okay. See you."

He
strides through the doorway with Rolly in his arms. The screen slams behind him. We hear him humming for a while as he traverses the hallway.

Miriam
grasps my hand. She talks without looking at me. Facing the door, she lectures the facts. A distancing technique I recognize well.

"
Our birth mother's name is Elizabeth Johnston."

Elizabeth.
My adopted mother hadn't truly given up on her sister after all.

"
She was a beautiful girl, known as Libby. She grew up on this farm. A free spirit, really, not very smart, always loose and running through the fields. I get the impression that her parents drank a great deal and didn't pay too much attention to their offspring. They were tobacco farmers and made a really good living, but they liked a good time a little too much. You can see they had money…"

She
waves her hand over the landscape and the rambling house.

"
But they pretty much drank it away. Anyhow, Libby became pregnant several times over the years, beginning at fourteen years of age. In all she birthed twelve children."

I
gasp and she squeezes my hand.

"
Some of the kids were a product of incest. Her brothers probably and an uncle or two apparently. Libby always told everyone that each time, she'd been raped. And maybe some of those times she was. Karoline was able to contact only two of our other nine siblings. Four of them are in institutions of one kind or another. Mentally deficient mostly, unable to care for themselves."

"
That's awful. How could children's services let that happen?"

"
I don't think they paid much attention to what was happening around Vryheid," Miriam says. "And there wasn't much they could do anyway. They did take her babies away, most of the time. We were her last. She kept Dembi. I assume Family Services took me…and you."

"
No, our aunt raised me. Vera. Her daughter is Elizabeth, too. I thought they were my mother and sister until a few months ago. Elizabeth was the one who gave me this address. She showed me some early pictures, too, ones that our…her mother had stashed away. The Williamses never did tell me I was adopted."

Miriam
shakes her head sorrowfully.

"
And Karoline never…"

I
change the subject.

"
Where are the two siblings she contacted?"

"
One, a brother, is in New York and the other, a sister, lives in British Columbia. Neither of them wants anything to do with their birth family. One more sister is dead. Karoline couldn't find the other two. We must've been spread far and wide."

"
Why do you and Dembi call her Memé?"

"
I think it's a twist of grandmother and mother in French. That's what Dembi always called her. Memé talks a lot about a French Canadian named Larue, asks for him every day. He's been dead for a few years now but sometimes she forgets that he's gone. When I first arrived and she was more lucid, she told me Larue was like a father to Dembi. Maybe he was our father. I'm still not sure on that point. Dembi doesn't seem to remember him, though, so he must have died pretty young."

"
Is Memé…mentally deficient?"