Tainted Grace (17 page)

Someone pulled my hair back to behind my shoulders and tied it in a ponytail. I could hear Abbey in the background asking if I was ok, and I heard Gus answer that I’d be fine.

I felt an impact as Boggs drove on and assumed it was one of the walking dead.

“Zoe,” whispered Emilie.
“Lift your head, hun, we’re past them now.”

I shook my head ‘no.’

“You’re shaking. Zoe, let’s get you lying down,” suggested Emilie. “Susan, can you climb up front?”

“You bet.
Anything I can do?”

“Let’s just make some space.
Kelsey, can you reach into the back and find something for her to eat or drink?”

I moaned, the thought of consuming anything making matters worse.

“Zoe, c’mon, give me your feet,” said Em. “Gus, can you help lay her down?”

“Come on, darlin’, let us take care of you,” said Gus as he lowered my shoulders onto his lap.

I felt Emilie pull my feet onto her own lap. I scooted my butt down toward her, relieving Gus of the bulk of the weight from my torso.

“Is she ok?” asked Boggs.

“Shut up, Boggs,” I moaned harshly.

“I think today’s just been a bit too much,” answered Gus.
There was a hint of anger left in his voice.

Emilie took my shoes and socks off and started rubbing my feet.
I could feel Gus stroking my hair back from my forehead. I sniffled, doing my best to not become a blubbering mess.

“Zoe,” said Emilie in a strained, sad, voice.
“What’s wrong, Zo?”

“Everything,” I blubbered, succumbing to my hormones and despair.
“Nothing’s right. Nothing will ever be right. It’s all too much and nothing will ever be ok.”

“Don’t cry, Zoe,” said a tiny voice from behind me.
“Please don’t cry.”

“It’s ok, Jane,” said Gus.
“She’ll be ok. We’ll all take care of her.”

He continued stroking my hair.
I drew my knees up to my chest, and Emilie switched to comforting me by rubbing gently at my outer thigh. My stomach was cramping and I wished I could wake up from this nightmare.

“Zoe, wake up. Zoe.”

I felt my shoulders being rocked.
I opened my eyes. I wasn’t sure where I was. The Suburban. It was dark outside. I could see the silhouettes of Nathan, Susan, and Boggs in the front seat.

“You awake Zoe?”
It was Gus’ voice. My head was still on his lap. I wiped drool from my mouth. Emilie was beside me, my feet back on her legs again.

“Morning Glory,” she said in an effort to sound chipper.
I could tell she was exhausted.

I used the arm beneath me to push myself up in an effort to sit.
My mouth was dry and had a horrible aftertaste.

“Where are we?” I asked.

“We’re just outside of a small town, getting closer to the main interstate,” said Boggs.

His outburst earlier came flooding back.
I felt dizzy so closed my eyes.

“Easy there, girl,” said Gus.
“You haven’t eaten all day. I don’t want you passing out.”

“Here, Zoe, drink this.”
It was Susan, who had turned around and was holding a bottle of water out for me.

“Thanks, Susan,” I said.
I felt so tired, but drank deeply. My stomach growled as the water settled.

“We’re talking about stopping for a few hours before we get closer in to the cities. We need to know what the local wildlife looks like,” said Gus.

“Do we have anything to eat?” I asked, realizing I was famished.

“Here,” said Abbey from behind me.

I looked back and smiled when I saw a bag of Doritos. One of my all-time favorite junk foods.

“Doritos, awesome,” I said.

I took hold of the foil sack eagerly.

Gus took the bag from me and opened it, which made me feel a bit weird.

“Not too many, ok?” he warned.

I looked at Gus and blinked.

“It’s just not the healthiest,” he explained.

I rolled my eyes, reached into the bag and produced the largest handful of orange-powder-coated chips I could manage.
I crammed the first one into my mouth and experienced simple joy. Emilie chuckled beside me.

“Don’t get your panties wet there, Zoe,” she whispered teasingly.

I stopped chewing and looked at her, and felt Gus shift subtly beside me. If she only knew. I blinked and started chewing again. She giggled.

Jane was asleep in the back seat, thumb in her mouth.
She was cuddled up to Kelsey, who was also sleeping. I crammed two chips into my mouth at the same time, my hunger only growing as I ate.

“Where will we stop?” I asked rudely with a full mouth.

“Depends on what your radar says,” said Nathan.

“I don’t feel anything right now,” I said.
“But why don’t we drive through the night?”

“We need to give the car a break, let the engine cool off for a spell.
And we don’t want to hit any major areas of population in the dark,” explained Boggs.

I didn’t want to talk to him.
I looked up at Gus, who acknowledged what Boggs had said by giving me a single nod. Our eyes locked for half a second longer than they should have.

“Where will we go?” asked Abbey.

Gus looked back at her. “We’ll just pull over at the side of the road. Just sit a spell, maybe an hour or two if the dead stay away. Best that we all stay awake, maybe except for the little one.” He gestured his head toward the back of the car, where Jane slept.

“Zoe, we’ll need you awake too,” added Nathan.

“’Kay,” I said. “The fresh air would be nice.”

The SUV was starting to get ripe with all of us crowded inside.

“There’s a sign for a view point. I think we should pull off there,” said Nathan. “It’d be nice to have some cover, but having quick access back to the highway sounds good.”

I noticed Boggs was being pretty quiet in general.
I found myself hoping he was miserable after how he had treated me. My thoughts turned to Gus and I realized I was sitting too close to him.

“Em?
Do you want to trade seats so you can sit by Gus?” I asked, thinking it prudent to do so.

Gus cleared his throat.
“Don’t fight over me, girls. When we’re back on the road I can take the middle.” He chuckled.

I felt my face go pale, and was glad it was dark inside the car.

“Sounds good,” said Emilie.

“I’ll take the next driving stretch since I caught a nap already,” offered Nathan.

“Good man,” said Gus. “I’m too old to stay awake much longer.”

I saw Emilie roll her eyes.

I chewed on a couple more Doritos as Boggs pulled the Suburban off the highway and onto a turnoff that overlooked of a river. My stomach starting to feel full, I rolled the chip sack closed and handed it back to Abbey. “Thanks, Abbey.”

She smiled at me.
“Kelsey told me you’re having a baby.”

“
Yeah.”

“You excited?”

“No.”

“C’mon, Zoe,” the preteen taunted.
“Even a little?”

I smiled at her, not too genuinely.
“It’s just a really bad world right now, Abbey. We can barely take care of ourselves. The thought of taking care of a baby…well…” I let my thought trail off.

The girl got a little over excited and started bouncing in her seat, a large grin on her face.
“I’ll help you take care of it!” she squealed.

“Abs, cool it,” said Kelsey as she was waking up, her tone indicating slight irritation with her little sister.
“Leave Zoe alone.”

“It’s ok, Kelsey,” I said quietly.
“Abbey, I’ll take you up on the offer when it’s time.”

The girl shrunk into her seat, and smiled.
At least she had calmed down. I didn’t want attention focused on me right now.

“Zoe?” asked Nathan.
Still feel clear here?

I closed my eyes and focused, doubting my abilities lately.
My mind was clear.

“I don’t sense anything at all,” I said.

“You sure?” asked Boggs.

I ignored him.

Doors were opened and the sound of the running water from the river filled my ears. Cool air crept in and was a fresh treat. No smell of decay. No sickly sweet smell of decaying decay. No evil souls inside my head. Abbey climbed over her seat into ours and scuttled out the door behind Emilie. Kelsey fidgeted in the back, laying the sleeping Jane across the bench seat.

“We should wake her up before we hit the road to let her stretch and use the bathroom,” whispered Kelsey.

“Sounds good,” said Gus.

Boggs and Nathan had also left the vehicle and were at the metal barrier overlooking the river.
It looked like Nathan was giving him an earful. Emilie and Susan were several yards behind the car stretching, and Kelsey walked up to join them. Abbey was leaning against the front end of the vehicle. Gus and I were the only ones left in the car, other than sleeping Jane.

“We should get out,” I said.
“Before someone suspects something.”

Gus laughed lightly.
“No one is going to ‘suspect anything’ Zoe. I told Emilie I was going to hang back and wait with you in the car for a bit so we could talk about what happened with you and Boggs.”

I looked at him.

“We haven’t done anything wrong,” he said. “Exploring our feelings is ok, in the scope of life.”

I sighed.
“What are we doing, Gus?”

He reached over and placed his hand on top of mine.
“I guess time will tell. If you want me to back off, Zoe, I will. Is that what you want?”

I wasn't sure what to say.
His hand squeezed mine gently. I took my hand away. I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, and placed my face into my hands.

“I know I should say yes to that,” I mumbled.

“But you don’t want to, do you?”

I shook my head no.
I raised my face from my hands. “Tell me how you feel about her?” I asked. “Emilie.”

“She’s a good kid,” he said.
“A fine woman.”

“Em’s like a sister to me, Gus.”

“I know,” he whispered. He leaned his head back against the seat and slumped down. “I love her, in my own way,” he continued. “I’d fight to the death for her, but I’d so the same for you. I love her but am not sure I’m in love with her.”

“I’ve known Boggs since we were little kids.
Since I was born, really. He’s always been like a big brother to me, and then all this happened.” I looked over to Gus, who had reached over and taken my hand again. “How could he have hurt me like that?” I asked, finally letting tears fall.

Gus pulled me to him and held me as I cried.
He felt good.

“Shhhh, it’ll be ok,” he soothed.
“Zoe, do you love him?”

“I’ve loved him for a long time.
I’ve never been in love before, so I’m not sure if it’s real love or not.”

Gus backed toward the car door a few inches to look at me.
“Never been in love before?” He wore an expression of disbelief.

I shook my head no.
“Before Boggs, I’d never had a boyfriend, a kiss, nothing.”

Gus closed his eyes and looked angry.
After a long moment he opened his eyes and looked at me. We sat like that for several moments until there was a light knock on the window behind Gus. We both jumped and he let go of my hand.

Gus rolled his window down as Nathan waited.

“Zoe, Boggs wants to talk to you,” he said. “I told him you might not be ready, and he’s prepared to accept that, but I think you two should talk.”

“Zoe, you want me to come with?” offered Gus.

I shook my head no. “Just stay close?”

He nodded, then reached over and squeezed my hand again.
We both climbed out.

“Nathan?” I asked.

“Huh?”

“Can you stay here with Jane?”

He nodded. “Sure.”

Gus put a hand on my shoulder and looked down at me. “I’ll be close, Zoe.”

I nodded, and walked over to the outlook where Boggs was standing. I settled to his right and looked down at the river. The moonlight was reflecting off the ripples in the water and highlighting rapids that ran sporadically downstream. It smelled so fresh.

“Zoe,” said Boggs.
“I can’t say I’m sorry enough times. Knowing I hurt you is killing me.”

I didn’t answer.

He looked over at me. “I took my anger out on you, and that’s something I know isn’t ok.”

“Boggs,” I said.
“You didn’t just get angry at me. You hurt me. I have bruises on my arms.”

I saw his eyes fill with tears.
“How can I fix this, Zoe? What can I do?”

“I don’t have an answer, Boggs.”

“Do you think you can ever forgive me?”

“In time, maybe,” I said honestly.

I looked over and his head was hung and his hands rested on the metal barrier in front of us. His body shook as he cried. A part of me wanted to reach out to comfort him, but a bigger part of me was too scared.

“I need some space, Boggs.”

He didn’t answer, so I turned and walked back toward the others. I desperately needed to be alone, so headed toward Emilie to let her know I was going to walk into the woods just a few yards. She discouraged me, but I assured her we were alone out here and that I’d be fine. Before losing my courage, I walked away and toward the edge of the woods on the other side of the highway. The moon was full and there was enough light to see by. Once I felt like I was alone, I sat on the cold, hard forest floor and wrapped my arms around my legs. I lay my head on my knees and let myself cry. I wondered if Boggs might follow me, and scold me for coming here alone as he had done earlier in the day. I wondered if we would live to see the sun rise again. I wondered if my baby was ok inside of me.

I flinched when I heard a twig snap beside me.

“Zoe,” said Gus. “Emilie told me you headed this way. Darlin’, it’s not safe to be alone like this. Out here in the open.”

I sniffled.
“Maybe it’d be best if I just died here,” I moaned.

“No, Zoe, no.
Don’t talk like that. Life…well…we have to always think life is best.”

I felt him sit beside me.
He wrapped his arms around me, and I willingly leaned into him.

“Always chose life, Zoe.
Always.”

I took the opportunity to just keep crying, and allowed him to comfort me.

“That’s right, let it out. Just let it out,” he soothed.

“Good, you found her,” said Emilie.
I hadn’t heard her approach though the noise of my own crying. She sounded worried.

I felt her arms wrap around me from the other side, and could tell that she too had begun crying softly at the sight of me blubbering.