Take a Bow (13 page)

I
can’t help but laugh at the headline.

ME: Read it again!

Mom shakes her head and picks up the paper.

MOM: “Carter Harrison: Heartbreaker.”

ME: That’s genius. Gossip Guru really is in line for a Pulitzer this year.

I cross my fingers, and Mom throws the paper down.

I pick it up and start reading about me. It’s funny because even though it’s my name and a picture of me from some event a few months ago, it feels like it’s about someone else. My favorite line: “So be on the lookout, single New York gals. There’s another hot bachelor on the loose who has a leading-lady role to fill.”

But I have to admit what I love the most is that Sophie is not mentioned by name.

MOM: I thought once you didn’t have a publicist, we didn’t have to worry about things like this getting leaked. That Jill would have had a field day with you being single again. Remember her? The one you had before Sheila Marie? The one who leaked your audition to CPA?

I stare at Mom. I thought she leaked …

I’m adding this to the list of grave misunderstandings I’ve had about my mother. I can’t believe all these years I’ve assumed that any press leak was her fault. Or any disagreements she’s ever had with producers were because she was a control freak (when actually she was looking out for her child). Or, most importantly, the idea that I’m still an actor is her sole responsibility.

Still, I can’t get over how well she’s taking the fact that I’m leaving acting. I guess it’s not for another three months, but still.
And
she’s been really supportive of me looking into art schools.

ME: Is that why she was fired?

I remember thinking Jill being fired as my publicist had to do with the lack of press coverage my attending CPA was getting. Anytime there was a mention of it, Mom always commented on it. But I assumed she was unhappy with the placement or something. Not that she was upset that it was mentioned at all.

MOM: Yes. I made it very clear to her that your education is a private matter. If she wanted to promote the public shows you were in, that was fine, but your classes and personal life were off-limits.

I never even bothered to wonder what my publicist’s job was. Mom took care of all that stuff. I did what they told me to do.

Something starts to register with her.

MOM: Who did you think leaked the audition to the press?

I don’t say anything.

She picks up the paper and starts to read.

ME: Mom, when I was little, did I enjoy going on all those auditions?

MOM: Yes. Every morning, you’d come and sit on my lap and ask me who you were going to be that day. You really seemed to love it. I used to take you to McDonald’s after all your auditions because I wanted you to experience something normal — eating greasy food, playing with the other kids…. I didn’t really know what else to do. I was a single mother who wasn’t planning on having a son with such famous aspirations.

I’m just starting to come to terms with the fact that everything that has happened to me was my responsibility. I’d hate Mom to think that I’ve painted her as this typical stage mom, because she’s anything but.

MOM: Oh, honey, there’s a new art exhibit opening at the Guggenheim. Do you want to go next weekend?

Most kids would kill to have such an understanding and supportive parent. I’ve had one my entire life but have pushed her away. Because it was easier to put the blame on someone else.

But the second I realized that I was the one who was preventing myself from being happy, a whole new world has opened up for me.

I’m happier, more confident, and now, thankfully, single.

And I might be ready to become my truest self.

Since I’ve, as they say, seen the light, I figure I should pass along the gift of being able to finally see clearly.

Emme studies the menu with such pinpoint focus, you’d think she was memorizing a foreign language.

EMME: Are you sure you’re allowed to eat this stuff? I don’t see grilled chicken anywhere.

ME: Hey, I do this once a week. I’m letting you into my dirty little sugar underworld. Are you in or not?

EMME: Oh, I’m definitely in. I’m thinking vanilla ice cream —

ME: Boring!

EMME: Let me finish. With peanut butter sauce, hot fudge, caramel, marshmallow topping with whipped cream, almonds, and a cherry, of course.

ME: Of course.

Emme orders a ridiculous sundae from this ice cream shop I discovered a few years ago when I was walking home from the soap’s studios in Hell’s Kitchen. Now that Chase Proctor has come down with a fever (Spoiler alert! It turns into an incurable disease that leaves me in a coma … in case I ever decide to come back), I’ve been able to keep my shirt on.

We sit down in a corner and she dives in. Lately, she has seemed a little bit more self-assured. I think we all knew that she was special and I’m hoping that maybe she’s starting to realize it as well.

ME: So will I still have my arm if I try to get a bite?

Emme has been happily shoving the gooey sundae in her mouth.

EMME: Oops, sorry.

She takes a big spoonful and pushes the rest of the sundae — well, what’s left of it — to me. For a little thing, she certainly has a big appetite.

EMME: So, I’ve been working on my song for the showcase. I think I’m going to audition for it. Do you know what you’re going to do?

Senior Showcase audition invitations were issued earlier this week. I wasn’t even happy when I got mine.

ME: What do you think the audition board would do if I showed up with one of my paintings?

EMME: That would be wonderful. I really like the one you did of the view of Central Park with the dots.

She starts poking the air with her spoon.

ME: Pointillism.

EMME: Spoken like a true artist.

It’s so weird to hear anybody say that about me. An artist.

But this isn’t about me. There’s something I need to tell Emme. And I have a feeling — actually, I know for a fact — that this won’t be the first time someone’s tried to talk sense into her.

ME: I wanted to talk to you about Sophie.

I can tell by the way that Emme reacts that she’s worried that I’m going to get back together with her. I believe the term
a cold day in hell
would best describe the possibility of that ever happening.

Better get right to the point.

ME: You know she’s using you, right?

Emme drops her spoon and she slouches down in her chair. Happiness gone, just like that.

EMME: I know what everybody thinks, okay. I’m not that stupid. And don’t think that I don’t ever get upset when she only reappears when she needs something, because I do. It really does hurt my feelings. But what does everybody expect me to do? She is the one who has been singing my songs. I never would’ve had the nerve freshman year to get up in front of the school to sing — I don’t even know if I can do it now. So for the past three years, she has given me the confidence to have my songs be heard. I can’t just dump her because I’m going to try to sing. I know we aren’t the friends we once were, but you have to remember that
I’m
the one who started a band without her. That
I’m
the one who hasn’t had a lot of time for her. Not to mention that
I’m
the one that is having ice cream with her ex-boyfriend. So don’t put all the blame on Sophie.

She picks up her spoon and scrapes the bottom of the glass.

WAITRESS: Excuse me, Mr. Harrison?

I look to see an older lady with a camera in her hand.

ME: Please, call me Carter.

I flash her the “Carter Harrison” smile. Some roles are hard to forget.

WAITRESS: Would you mind if I took your picture for our wall?

She gestures toward photos of a few local politicians and actors from the studio who grace their walls. I’ve always noticed it and will admit I often wondered why they never asked before. But I guess I always came with a baseball hat and hoodie and got my sundae to go. This is the first time I’ve ever sat down.

ME: Sure.

Emme starts to get up from her seat.

WAITRESS: It’s okay. Your little girlfriend can be in the picture.

I smile at Emme, grab her hand before she can protest, and pull her so she’s sitting on my lap. We hold up our empty sundae glasses, and the woman gets the photo she needs. She has us both sign the guest book up front and then hands us each a coupon for a free sundae as a thank-you.

EMME: Would it be wrong if I got another one now?

I pull her outside and we start walking back toward school.

I figure now is as good a time as any.

ME: So there’s something else I want to talk to you about.

EMME: I really don’t want to talk about Sophie anymore. Or Ethan, for that matter. All everybody wants to do is to talk about that stupid kiss. It was just the high from performing. Believe me when I say that I’ve seen him kiss a lot of girls after a show.
A lot
. It isn’t the big deal that everybody is making it out to be. I just happened to be the closest person next to him.

And here I thought
I
was the one playing pretend.

ME: No, it’s not that. It’s about school.

EMME: Oh, um, sorry.

ME: That’s okay. It’s just, I think … I think if I can’t transfer to the art program, I’m going to drop out of CPA.

The words just hang out there. I turn to study Emme as she walks. She starts nodding slowly and I can tell she’s planning her next words carefully.

EMME: Dropping out of high school really isn’t the best idea, Carter.

ME: I know. It isn’t high school; it’s CPA. I’m tired of having all these acting roles forced on me. If I can’t do art, there’s no reason to be there. I can take the GED — that’s what I was going to do when I was being taught on the set. So I don’t really need to have my diploma from CPA, especially since it would mean keeping up the Carter Harrison Acting Charade. I’ve been acting for as long as I can remember. It’s not something I want to do anymore. I’m really sick of living a lie, doing things that don’t make me happy.

Emme and I walk to the park and I talk. Not lines that have been written for me, but what I’ve wanted to say for years.

So for the first time since I can remember, I let it all out. My frustrations with school, the teachers, the principals, how CPA really hasn’t been what I thought it would be. That I need so much more. That I deserve so much more. I want to be happy. I want to create art, real art, not recite cheesy lines.

I decide to not hide behind a role or pretend to be someone that I’m not. Instead, I do the one thing that terrifies me more than anything. I drop the act. I just be.

I believe the saying is “The truth shall set you free.” But what they don’t say is that once you unleash one shackle that’s been holding you down, you want them all freed.