Tales of the Hood (4 page)

I was adjusting to life at home slowly. Maurice and I were still not talking so I was lost when it came to motives for the day. I wanted to call him to see how he was doing but I didn't see the point. He made it clear what he thought about me so I thought its best to not push it. I decided to call Vanessa and ask her to come see me. With all the frenetic events that had occurred, I hadn't had anytime to spend with her and I missed her. About an hour later I heard a knock at the door but when I opened it all I saw was puffy eyes and wet cheeks. Vanessa was crying. I told her to come in, sit down and tell me what the matter was.

“Jayden, I think Maurice is dead,” she whispered slowly. I laughed, thinking her and Maurice were planning something stupid. “I MEAN IT!” she shouted, pushing me. My smile faded and my eyes began to well. I was hoping she was mistaken. I couldn't have lost Maurice so soon after I'd just lost my mum. I'm sure she wasn't right.

“How-how do you know?” I stammered.

“I went to his house today because I thought you were still there, but when I saw the door open I knew it was a bit odd. I looked around and saw him hanging from the upstairs banister,” she sobbed soundlessly. My heart fell out of my mouth. I choked on the saliva drying on my tongue. She wouldn't lie about this. Not something so serious.

“When did you find him?” I asked hesitantly.

“Just before I came here. I haven't called the ambulance because I just knew he was dead. He was pale and there was nothing to him, Jay,” she replied.

My legs began to weaken but I marched out the door to Maurice's. If this was a prank it had gone too far. Of all the kind of jokes to play this shouldn't be one when it comes to me. When I arrived I kicked open the door and called his name, expecting a quick response. That's when I saw him. Dangling like a piece of string. Eyes open; leaking fright but relief. I sprinted up the stairs and took him down. Everything seemed like a dystopia. My life was turning into a surreal nightmare. I cradled him, rocking slowly with my tears dripping on his colourless cheeks.

“I'm sorry, fam,' I whispered. ‘I'm sorry for leaving you, am sorry for everything just don't leave me,” I begged. I've never felt more desperation than I felt looking at him like this; the flashbacks of my mum's body being cradled just like this. The boy that saw me ride my first bike; backed me in every beef I have ever encountered; been the best brother to me; just gone.

I got mad; I punched walls, kicked furniture and threw glasses but the pain remained. Vanessa tried to calm me down but I told her to let me go.

“Jayden this isn't the way to deal with things. Stop!” she shouted, dragging me.

“What the fuck would you know? You didn't know him. Get off me,” I replied, fuming with grief. She wouldn't listen and kept grabbing me. I abruptly turned around and hit her. She fell to the ground and flinched. It was only after that I had realised what I had done. She stumbled up revealing the bruised eye I had just given her.

“All I tried to do was help. Give you some moral support, and this is what I get? How do you think I feel finding him like this? I may not have known him as long as you have but he was still my friend too,” she said dejectedly. She ran out the house crying leaving me to question my foul actions.
What have I done? What have the streets turned me into?
The past was catching up with me and it was catching up fast. I looked at Maurice and fell on the floor. As I lay there next to him the ambulance came to collect his fragile body. The last good thing I had.

***

The next few days were hard to cope with. I couldn't come to terms with Maurice's death. I knew things were bad since he got raped but we were going to get through it. He needed time alone to figure out his next move. That's what I had thought. Now I knew I shouldn't have left him. It was my entire fault. I got ready and headed to his house. I wanted to collect some stuff to keep him close. Even though I wasn't going to forget him, I wanted him to be close. I also needed to make up with Vanessa. I still couldn't believe I'd hit her. It hurt me to think about it. No matter what I'd done in life I vowed that I would never hit a woman. My mother raised me that way and I had completely failed. I tried calling her but she sent me the busy tone. I sent texts but I never got a reply. I even bought her flowers and chocolates but I knew she wouldn't accept them if she wouldn't see me. She was willing to be there for me and I let her go so easily.

When I stepped into Maurice's house the smell of weed would have knocked an amateur out. It brought back some good memories. The jokes we used to run together; the bars we used to spit together; the stories we shared with each other. I went around fixing up everything I had damaged. Well I tried to. Looking at the mess I finally realised why Vanessa wanted me to calm down. I was out of control and she could see it when I couldn't. I went into his bedroom and scrutinised every detail. Man always had his nasty boxers lying on the floor but I got used to it. It was something he did because he was lazy. When we were young we used to hide stuff behind his wardrobe; little things that had significance to us. We always thought that if we waited until we were older we would remember the old times and laugh the day away. We always did dumb stuff like that, but it was our way of bonding. I don't know what made me do it but I moved the wardrobe and saw a red envelope. I couldn't remember leaving it there but when I picked it, I saw written on the front: ‘To Jayden, my best mate'. I laughed. He still made me laugh from beyond the grave. Tearing open the paper I wondered what he had written. It began:

Dear Jayden,

I knew you would come back and look here when I was gone so that's why I left the envelope. You are my backbone please believe. I think we were Siamese twins in another life. We've been through so much as the years went on and I regret none of it. The reason why I couldn't live anymore is because without my dignity and pride my life was worthless. What happened to me that night wouldn't leave me alone. Every move I made put me in the direction of something that reminded me that I wasn't Maurice anymore. I was the shell of my former self and that's not the way to live in my eyes. I decided it was time for me to die. Don't miss me because I'm going to be watching over you as usual. That means no funny business and stay in the right lane. You should stick with Vanessa, she looks like a real keeper and it's about time you found someone to love. Don't give up on the music neither but make sure when you make it big you remember me. I love you fam.

Maurice.

PS. There's a gun on top of my wardrobe. When you catch Jamal, put a bullet in his head for me and a bullet in his heart for your mum. He deserves it. Safe G.

I didn't cry because I knew every word in this letter was the truth. I smiled, put the note back into the envelope, grabbed some of his possessions and bopped home with a rhythm in my step. I felt happy, happy to know that he was thinking of me before he died. Happy he approved of me and Vanessa and my choice to go into music. I realised I had a lot of work to do. This was the mentality check I needed to get me on my way to the future I dreamed of. And it all started with getting Vanessa back by my side.

I thought about it and I loved Vanessa, but I owed her so much after what I had did to her. She'd been ignoring me and everyday my feelings grew stronger. I took it as a sign that she was the one and I wasn't going to give up that easily. I went to the local corner shop and bought the biggest bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine. I knew how much she liked her roses. I had a feeling we wouldn't be needing the wine after she heard what I had to say. I know I was young but my mum always taught me to grab those opportunities you know you are never likely to come around again.

She lived about forty minutes away so I jumped on the bus. We didn't need oyster cards in these ends. Those of us that had parents were too broke to provide us with one. It wasn't a problem though because if the driver ever had anything to say it would do more harm than good. I went upstairs and took a seat at the front. The back of the bus wasn't my position. There was a group of guys at the back just a little older than me but they were eyeing me up like they wanted to do me something. I didn't want any trouble so I kept my head straight. I was thinking of the best way to approach Vanessa when I saw her but there were so many distractions and the guys at the back were acting intimidating. There was no way I was going to make up with my girl with a black eye tonight. My fighting days were over. My ego was at its peak right now and I wanted it to stay that way until things fell back into place. I got off the bus at the next stop and the guys followed. They could have been going anywhere but when I turned down Vanessa's road, which was a dead end, I turned around to see the guys still on my tail. I didn't break a sweat because I knew I was near her house. I stopped in front of her gate and walked up to the door.

“Little sweet boy going to give his girl some flowers,” the guys laughed.

I turned around. “I haven't got time for this shit so why don't you lot piss off and find a whore,” I replied defensively, hoping Vanessa would whip open the door anytime soon.

“Who are you talking to you prick?” one of the guys said, standing forward. I tried not to give the reaction that they were seeking but I didn't take intimidation lightly.

“Well your mum didn't tell me your name last night when I finished with her so I guess I have to point,” I said, thinking that was a great comeback. If Maurice was still here we would have been laughing over that one for ages.

“Alright cool, badman, just remember my face you hear?” he said, walking away with his followers trailing behind him. The thing's guy's do for a little bit of attention was becoming more pathetic each and every time.

When Vanessa opened the door she looked a bit round but knowing her she'd probably been comfort eating for the past few days. I noticed that she always ate when she wasn't feeling herself. “What are you doing here, Jayden?” she said, standing in the doorway.

“I think we should talk. I just want you to hear what I have to say. Please,” I said sensitively. She opened the door wider and let me in. As I closed the door I caught sight of the faded bruise under her eye. My heart melted as I walked into the dimmed living room and saw the state she was in. She seemed really torn up. Days had gone by; I thought she would have been over it, but I was happy that she was feeling the same way as me. Or so I assumed. I sat down and gave her the flowers.

“Thanks but can you just say what you have to say then leave,” she hastened.

“I'm so sorry for what I have done to you. I was so angry and I wasn't thinking. Seeing Maurice like that – you have to understand that my emotions were all over the place. I have something else to ask you but I need to know if you forgive me before I make a fool of myself.”

“How can I forgive you for what you did? You took the piss when all I was trying to do was help you feel better. If you just came to tell me sorry then bye!” she said, standing up. I got down on one knee and pulled out a suede box from my pocket. “What are you doing?” she said calmly.

I fixated my position properly. “Will you marry me, Vanessa?” I asked slowly.

Her eyes widened and she suddenly screamed. “No! Just get out Jayden. Now!” she said, opening the front door.

I didn't understand her reaction at all. I stood up face-to-face with her. I looked into her eyes as she looked into mine, both trying to read each other for a moment. “What's wrong? This wasn't meant to upset you. I've thought about things properly over the time we've been apart and I love you. I wouldn't be willing to make this commitment if I didn't,” I explained.

“I know Jayden, but I'm the one who's going to upset you!” she said. I paused as I tried to figure out what she was talking about.

“What are you trying to tell me Vanessa?” I said, with a puzzled look on my face. She tried to get me to sit down but I said I'd rather stand. I picked up the ring and put it back in my pocket. Silently I waited for her to tell me what she was on about. There was a sinking feeling in my stomach as I anticipated bad news.

“Jayden, I'm pregnant,” she said quietly.

“What do you mean you're pregnant? We always used protection and you're meant to be on the pill,” I said, even more confused. She began to cry. My chest was tightening as I waited for the rest of the news.

“The baby isn't yours, Jay,” she finally admitted. I swear I had to do a double take. I was heated to the point that my fists clenched ruthlessly.

“Whose baby is it?” I murmured.

“It's… It's Maurice's,” she said inaudibly. I could see the shame illustrated on her face as she said his name. It all came together now. Why she was at his house on the day he died. Why she had taken his death so hard.

“What?” I replied in disbelief. “Do I have mug written on my forehead? You were banging my best friend!” I shouted as I pictured them together in my absence.

“I'm sorry Jayden, it just happened,” she lied.

“You're having my dead best friend's baby and you tell me it just happened. Things like that don't just happen. How could you do that to me Vanessa?” I said, walking towards the door. It then clicked to me that I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

“Baby can you just sit down and let me explain?” she begged.

“Listen I don't want to sit down to hear your bullshit, I'm sitting down because if I don't I'm going to twist your jaw!” I said, falling back onto her sofa as I held my head in my hands. “Now I don't want the excuses, I want the truth. What happened?” I said deeply.

“It started a few months before Maurice died. We didn't see each other much and I ran into Maurice one time. He was nice and comforting and when we went back to his house we spoke about things and it lead to further actions. We didn't do it to hurt you, Jay. I told him that it had to end because I loved you and he accepted that,” she expounded.