Tantric Coconuts (25 page)

Ted looked at Angel. “You’re right. She’s a gift on wheels.”

They walked a bit farther, taking in the landscape and enjoying the dogs. Singleton pulled up his little party of travelers and said, “Let’s rest for a while on the bank of the
river. Sometimes ducks come along in the early morning.” He reached into his backpack and pulled out some stale bread. “If they do, we can feed them.”

While the two teachers and Ted fed the ducks that occasionally paddled by, the dogs tugged at their leashes. They looked up at Ted and Angel, dumfounded. Did humans not understand that God put ducks on the earth to be chased? With the ducks fed, the group started walking back.

Angel draped her left arm around Ted’s waist and her right arm over Singleton’s shoulder. Ted turned to Angel and said, “Thank you. It was a lovely morning.”

When they were approaching the bed-and-breakfast again, Angel said, “What a gift, getting to hang out with my favorite Buddhist and my favorite student.” She pulled Singleton closer for a warm hug. “It was good seeing you again, Stephen. I’m looking forward to our November get-together. Will you be there?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

While collecting her belongings, Angel stared out over the meadow from the window of the Marlon Brando room. She’d had a dream the night before that she was still trying to dissect. In the dream, Bertha had been restored to her former status as a functioning bookmobile. The walls were again filled with books. Bertha was parked somewhere on the reservation. Angel was sitting behind the librarian’s desk, wearing
glasses and reading to a circle of children. The door to the bookmobile was wide open so the sun could gush through. She kept looking up at the door, as if she were waiting for someone or something to arrive. No Barks was lying on the floor. Being skilled at dream interpretation, Angel probed behind the facts of the dream and tried to root out the feelings and sensations that the dream evoked. What she felt was grounded and at home.

Angel felt proud of her role as Ted’s spiritual consultant. She wondered, however, if the dream was trying to tell her to get an entire classroom of new students—that Ted’s time with her had ended. She wondered if the significance of the dream was in Ted’s absence. She realized that she was going to miss him when he did leave. Still, she felt like something from the dream hadn’t yet fully revealed itself.

Angel thought about the fifth and sixth levels. This terrain would be far more difficult, not just for Ted but for her too. Instruction is a didactic, left-brained operation. This approach would not suit the fifth and sixth levels. In fact, that would be the whole point—transcending that kind of thinking. One could not metabolize these materials, hang easy labels on them, and then warehouse them in the left brain for future access. The ineffable could only be sensed and imagined, not really known or defined. One could not uncover these truths in books. They have to find us as much as we have to find them. She would have to find a different way to instruct. The problem was simple, but she was not sure how to solve it.

As Angel looked out even farther over the fields and took in a wider view of the low-lying hills of the Nebraska countryside, she realized that what she needed to say to Ted next might be upsetting to both of them. Still, it was a necessary conversation.

With Bertha packed and Singleton thanked, Angel and Ted took a short walk on the path beside the inn. “I want to say something,” Angel said.

Ted stepped closer to Angel. “Yes?” he asked.

She put her hand on his shoulder for a moment, quickly removed it, and spoke earnestly. “I want to congratulate you on your hard work. You’ve stuck with a curriculum that’s not easy. You’ve been an amazing student.” Her tone dropped as she said, “I want to warn you, however, that continued progress will require two things.”

“Like?” Ted prompted.

“Thank goodness for Father Chuck, Mashid, and Stephen. Without their help, I never would have made it. The material gets harder from here on out. I can’t lecture much anymore. It’s not that kind of material, so I’m going to have to tell less and show more. This might be difficult for me. I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Angel, what are you talking about? Of course you can do it. You’ve been fantastic. You’ll find a way. I have nothing but confidence in you.”

“Hear me out. I have two concerns. The first is my ability and the second is your readiness to continue.”

“I feel ready.”

“Ted, slow down. Remember, I practically hijacked you to come along with me. It wasn’t something you asked for. I was being selfish; I so wanted a student. You can have your diploma now, graduate early from Spirit Tech, summa cum laude, if you like. Take the remainder of the vacation doing what you and Argo want … and not what I think you need. If you’re still interested, I can outline the next two levels for you while I take you back to your Winnebago.”

“What would you do if I went back to Kansas?” Ted asked.

“Maybe you had the right idea: I should repaint Bertha—
ANGEL TWO SPARROW
:
FIELD WELDER
. It turns out that there’s not much of a market for spiritual consultants.” She sounded dejected. “Besides, welding metal pays better than fixing souls.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying. Why would you want to stop now? Angel, we’re not finished. Not you and not me. Your spiritual-consulting practice is just getting ready to take off!”

“Ted, thanks, but we both know it’s never going to work. Still, this time with you has been a real gift to me. It’s helped me to do my own work, and I do hope I’ve also put you on a healthier path.”

“You have, but am I finished?”

“There is no startling epiphany, blinding lights, clay tablets from God, or conversations with a burning bush. There is just living life better, with more awareness, and aligned with our truer selves.”

Ted remained steadfast. “What good is half a curriculum? I want the whole course.”

“There are unique opportunities in our lives when we can grow and move ahead, but there are times when we need to integrate what we’ve learned into our lives. If you want to continue to the next levels, I should warn you that what lies ahead will be far more difficult to grasp. I’m still struggling to become stable at these levels myself.”

“Angel, I don’t want to be a Spirit Tech dropout.” Ted felt like he already had one foot off the pier and was about to fall into the ocean, so he just finished the thought. “And I don’t want to say good-bye to you, either.”

It had been a long time since someone had said something sweet like this to Angel, and it felt good to be valued. Particularly when she knew she felt the same way about him. “Thank you, and of course we can finish your vacation together, if that’s what you want. But still, recess is an option.”

“Our plan is fine. Let’s just stick to it. You keep working with me, and I need to do some work for your aunt Lilly. It’s the most interesting legal case I’ve had in years, so don’t fire me before my first day of work.”

“You’re sure?” She held his elbow. “You don’t have to do this unless you really want to. It probably won’t work, unless you really want it.”

Ted took a few steps backward on the path and then bent down and pulled Argo close to him for comfort. He realized that he was about to say something inauthentic, something that he thought he
should
say, but not what he really felt. He tried using one of the exercises Angel had taught him to dig
deeper and be more truthful. He sensed into his stomach and heart spaces and investigated carefully what he was sensing and experiencing. What arose surprised him. It was the same fear that had manifested from his dream. It came to him rather suddenly, like a door slamming shut when you’re alone in the house. Ted put his face in his hands and exhaled a long slow breath.

Angel sat down beside Ted and put her arm around him. “Is something wrong?”

“There was a frightening dream I had in Bertha. It was upsetting enough that I’ve tried not to think about it. It’s been lingering in my mind, and for some reason it came back to me again out of nowhere, but it returned as an answer, an explanation. I think I get the dream.”

“Tell me.”

“In the dream, No Barks and Argo were sitting on a grave. Strangely, it was me that had died and been buried. That’s not supposed to happen in dreams, is it? Seeing your own death? But it wasn’t exactly me buried in that cemetery in Crossing Trails. It was my life. The point is that I can’t go back to that life in Crossing Trails. It’s dead and buried. There is nothing there for me, not anymore. Something needs to change. Somewhere, somehow, there has to be more for me.”

“Sometimes when we experience incredible periods of growth in our life, there is sadness and it does feel like the death of our old universe.”

“I’m not sure what any of it means, not yet. I just feel the need to go to South Dakota to help your aunt Lilly. You need
to do your best to finish the job you started. We both need to figure out what this is all about. That’s our pilgrimage.”

“We?” Angel asked.

“If you don’t finish your work, I’ll spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder hoping to see another bookmobile with mountains painted on the side and some crazy dark-haired woman driving to the distant beat of drum music. Where will I find someone else to finish the job of waking up Ted Day? No one can do it but you. You can’t quit on me.”

Angel smiled and her eyes shone. “Thank you, Ted. We’re not wasting our time together, are we?”

“Far from it.”

“Can I be blunt?” Angel asked as they neared the entrance to Custer State Park.

“My feathers don’t ruffle easily.”

“You’re the poster child for the fourth level.”

“And …”

“I’m not sure how to get you past it.”

“I have total confidence in you, but just the same, why is being rational a problem for moving up and on?”

“The intelligence that has served you so well in the early stages of this journey won’t be of any help to you now. In fact, it may be a hindrance. The fifth and sixth levels, you see, are transrational. For people like you, reaching the fifth and sixth levels can be very difficult. From here on out, transformation rests in the mind opening with questions and not closing with answers. Suzuki called it ‘beginner’s mind.’ ” Angel grabbed her necklace and showed the letters to Ted. “This is how I describe it.”

The word “imagine” around her neck had initially irritated him. He remembered how he had wanted to carve his own moniker: “knowing.” Maybe Angel was right. He was a
fourth grader through and through. He lived by reason and logic. “How can I get beyond my need to know?”

Angel said nothing and instead formed an intention in her mind.
I promise to do my best for you
.

Angel missed the entrance to the park and had to back up to make the turn. Once they were parked, Ted impatiently threw open the passenger door and stumbled out. It had been hours since he’d had his feet under him for anything more than a quick restroom or gas stop. The door creaked and groaned as he got out with Argo at his heels. “Terra firma feels great.”

As if the air were reparative, Angel inhaled deeply. “Oh, the pine scent is marvelous.”

“This place is”—he spun around to take it all in—“beautiful.” While he knew he had never been anywhere near the Black Hills, there was still something familiar. Finding no personal experience that might have created a memory, he concluded that it must be a picture or a movie that he was remembering. Perhaps it was that movie his grandfather liked to watch. Without much effort, the name of the movie came to him:
Dances with Wolves
. Ted tried to make clumsy horns with his fingers and asked Angel, “
Tatanka
?”

Angel laughed. “Yes. Many tatanka!”

The next two days were spent hiking, trout fishing, and relaxing about the campsite. When he could, Ted used this time to meditate, practice the exercises, and begin exploring the
fifth level, the level of the emergent self, as revealed to him by Angel in bits and pieces when it felt right for both of them.