Taste of Reality (13 page)

“My hair isn’t nappy” was all I could say.

“Only because you spend sixty dollars every few weeks drenching chemicals through it. But if it weren’t for that, your shit would look ridiculous.”

I was wordless. It was bad enough that I was being humiliated by a white man at work because of the color of my skin, but now my own husband was making me feel the same way in my own home. He obviously thought being high yellow gave him the right to do that.

“I bet you’ll think before you speak next time, won’t you?” he said, pretending to look through one of our dresser drawers for nothing.

I wanted to shoot something back at him, but I couldn’t. I was too stunned.

But he continued delivering his speech.

“And you keep wondering why you can’t get ahead at any company you work for. My guess is that they probably feel the same way I do. Certain jobs at certain levels have to be filled with people who portray the right image. It’s not about your ethnic background, it’s about your physical characteristics. Because no matter how many expensive suits or hairdos you wear, your skin is never going to be light enough. You may be attractive for a dark-skinned sister, but, sweetheart, that’s not going to help you.”

“David, just get out,” I screamed, stepping onto the carpet and moving toward him. “Get out before I do something crazy.”

He moved away from me as quickly as I approached him.

“Don’t worry, I was leaving anyway.” He reached for the doorknob when we arrived in the kitchen.

I grabbed the glass sitting on the island and slung it against the door.

He jerked his head away from it and stepped back.

“You are so
stupid,
” he yelled.

“No, you’re the stupid one. Especially if you stay here.”

“You’re just mad because you know I’m right about your dark skin and the way you look.”

I pulled a huge butcher knife from the wooden block on the granite counter.

“I’m giving you one more chance to get the hell out,” I said, and moved closer to him.

This time he left without comment.

I was so furious I felt as if my head was going to crack wide open. But my feelings were hurt as well because of the way he’d
spoken to me, and what bothered me the most was that David, for the first time, had shaken my confidence. He’d made me feel self-conscious about my looks and like I was a disgrace to all women. He’d made me think long and hard about my career expectations, and I was terrified that he might be telling the truth. What if he was right? What if my skin really was too dark? What if my hair really was too coarse? What if being black meant I could forget about all my hopes and dreams?

What if Reed Meyers pushed me to my absolute limit?

It was certainly possible.

It would be better for everyone involved if they didn’t.

I
’
D JUST STEPPED OFF
the elevator on the second floor and was on my way down to Connie’s office in public relations. She was the third candidate who had applied for the HR manager’s position that Jim had mysteriously placed on hold last Friday, and now that we’d entered a new week, I’d decided to go ask her a few questions. I’d phoned her a half hour ago, and she’d told me to come right up whenever I was ready.

Connie’s door was open, so I walked right in.

“Hey, Anise,” she said, smiling.

“How are you, Connie?” I was just as cordial.

“So we’re going for the same position I heard.”

“Yeah, I guess so, except now that it’s on hold, neither one of us may have a chance of getting it.”

She frowned. “What do you mean, ‘on hold’?”

“I mean ‘on hold.’ Didn’t Jim tell you that last week?”

“No. He didn’t. As a matter of fact, I was planning to call him if I didn’t hear something by tomorrow, because I was just starting to wonder why it’s taking them so long to make a decision.”

“I don’t believe this,” I said, shaking my head in disgust. “He just told me on Friday that since he now has two managerial positions vacant, he was going to place the recruiting one on hold until he did some restructuring of the department.”

“What other position is open?” Connie asked.

“Benefits manager. Elizabeth is leaving to go work for a company in Wisconsin.” I’d finally had a conversation with Elizabeth this morning. She’d seemed happy about leaving, but I think it was mostly because her parents lived there, and now that they were dealing with some illnesses, she wanted to move closer to them.

“Really? When is she leaving?”

“Next Friday.”

“Well, I didn’t know anything about that or the recruiting manager’s position being on hold.”

“Actually, Connie, I’m not surprised, because this company doesn’t do anything consistently. They handle every situation differently and that’s what burns me about them.”

“I agree, but I don’t see how he could place a job on hold and not tell each person who applied for it. Although, maybe he didn’t tell me because I’m not one of the people he’s considering,” she said.

As much as I hated to admit it, she was probably right. Not because she wasn’t intelligent or couldn’t perform the job duties, but it was highly unlikely that Jim would promote her into an HR managerial position with her background being in public relations. It was my understanding from Lorna that Connie had never worked in an HR department before, so even I could understand why he wasn’t considering her. Although when they’d given the position to Jason six months ago, he hadn’t worked in HR either. But since he was a man, his work history probably wasn’t a factor.

I didn’t stress my take on it, though.

“Who knows” was all I said.

“Are you thinking about applying for Elizabeth’s job?” she asked. “Especially since you already work in the department.”

“No,” I answered, but didn’t discuss the fact that Jim had already suggested the same thing. I liked Connie a lot, but I’d learned the day I was hired that you had to be careful about who you confided in here at the company. There were so many cliques and gossip columnists, and the last thing I needed was to have someone twisting something I said into a lie.

“Well, if you’re not, then maybe I’ll think about applying for it myself,” she said and I could tell that she didn’t care what job she was given so long as she could leave public relations. I’d heard a few rumors here and there about her and her supervisor not getting along.

“Yeah, you should if it’s something you’re really interested in doing.”

“As long as it’s a promotion and it gets me out of this department, I’ll be happy regardless.”

I knew I had been right about her.

“Well, I won’t keep you any longer, but thanks for chatting with me about this,” I said.

“No problem, and if you don’t mind, can you put in a good word for me with Elizabeth? Because maybe she’ll recommend me to Jim before she leaves.”

“I’ll see what I can do” was all I could think to say, because I knew Elizabeth didn’t know Connie all that well. They might have seen each other in passing or at company events, but that was probably it.

I stopped by our department’s interoffice mail area and pulled a stack from my open slot. I glanced through the pile, but most of it was information on HR seminars, a few gold interoffice envelopes and a couple of announcements.

I walked in my office and did what had become routine for me as of late. I closed the door. Then I sat down and read the first memo, which was informing all employees that flex hours would be in effect until the Tuesday after Labor Day. We’d already discussed
it at a staff meeting last month, but as usual, memos didn’t always go out in a timely fashion.

The next one described the latest job vacancy, manufacturing HR manager, and I wondered why Bob was leaving that one. People were dropping out of here like an epidemic had struck, and having so many key supervisory positions open wasn’t a good thing. Those were the people who kept the departments running smoothly, so I didn’t know how Jim was planning to handle losing three managers all at once. Even more interesting was how he thought he could keep that recruiting position on hold when they needed to recruit managers and fill other vacancies that had been posted for quite some time.

I picked up the phone and called Lorna.

“Hey, are you busy?” I asked.

“No. Why, what’s up?”

“Did you see this latest job vacancy?”

“No, but Bob just told me himself over at the coffee machine that he’s going to be taking Elizabeth’s job.”

“How? I mean, I’m not saying he’s not qualified, because I know he is, but how can he already know he’s getting the job if it was never even posted?”

Lorna laughed. “Anise, you and I both know that Jim and Lyle do whatever they want.”

“What a joke. If you remember, I was just telling you over the weekend how Jim tried to convince me to take it.”

“I know, but I guess Bob went and spoke with him as soon as he got wind that Elizabeth was leaving.”

“Unbelievable. Everything is so freakin’ unbelievable around here. Some jobs get posted, some don’t. Some people need to have a certain number of years of experience or a certain degree and others are exceptions to the rule.”

“This is the same old crap we’ve been talking about all along, and if you don’t do what I keep telling you, they’re going to continue getting away with it.”

“I know, but I have to admit I’m wondering if maybe I should bite the bullet and go for this manufacturing position. Because at least I’d still be able to recruit people into the company, and I’d be promoted to management,” I said, and realized I was sounding somewhat like Connie. Although, it wasn’t as if I was applying for just anything so I could leave my current responsibilities, because I still felt passionate about recruiting employees. I’d hoped I would have a chance to recruit for corporate positions, but maybe this would be a stepping-stone the next time the corporate position was open. At least I tried to convince myself that it was.

“I don’t think your chances are going to be any better than they were for the corporate position.”

“I think they would be, because unfortunately, I don’t think Jim would have a problem with me recruiting factory employees. He doesn’t see that as a problem, because he’s reiterated a thousand times that I work so well with the shop people.”

“And that’s pathetic, too,” Lorna said. “Who is he to decide what people you work better with? You work well with everyone I’ve seen you come in contact with, so piss on him.”

“I hear what you’re saying, and I agree, but I’d hate to miss out on this position and the one on hold,” I said, weighing everything back and forth as I spoke.

“I don’t know, Anise. I don’t know if you should just give up like this and do what they want. Hell, I wouldn’t doubt if they’d purposely offered Elizabeth’s job to Bob so you would be tempted to apply for his. They’ve done underhanded shit like that before, so it’s not beneath them.”

Lorna did have a point, so who was I fooling? I’d suspected the same thing as soon as I saw the memo, and if it hadn’t been for the argument I’d had with David last week, I probably wouldn’t be thinking about trying for any job I didn’t really want. But he’d made me rethink my whole situation, and as much as I wanted to stay hopeful, I knew I had to be realistic. I had to keep in mind that maybe he’d been right about all the hurtful things he said to me. I’d
never struggled with my self-esteem, but over the last few days he’d forced me to look in the mirror more times in one day than I usually did in a month. It was almost as if I needed to evaluate my appearance. I’d even thought about having cosmetic surgery in order to decrease the size of my nose and lips. Then I’d thought about having my hair stylist weave some silky straight hair into my own, just past my shoulders. It was such insane thinking, but I was starting to feel more desperate by the
minute.

“This is all so crazy,” I finally said.

“You deserve to have that corporate recruiting manager’s position, and I can’t see you taking anything less than that.”

“But the manufacturing manager position would still be management, too.”

“Okay, Anise. You do whatever it is you feel you have to do,” she said, and I could hear how irritated she was.

“Why are you getting so upset?”

“Because you’re actually going to keep quiet and let them get away with doing this to you.”

“You mean like how you let Jim get away with sexually harassing you?”

Lorna was silent.

So was I, and I hated that we were talking this way to each other.

“Okay. I deserved that,” she admitted.

“I didn’t mean to offend you, but it’s just that I’m in a bind here.”

“I know, I know. And I guess I’m just being selfish about all of this, because if you get that manufacturing position, you’ll be fine, and then Jim will never be stopped. And neither will Lyle or the company altogether.”

“I hear what you’re saying, Lorna, but I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“It’ll come to you. Maybe we should talk later when you’ve had more time to think about all of this.”

“Yeah, maybe so. I won’t do anything without letting you know, and, hey, I really appreciate you listening to me. If I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have anyone here at work to talk to.”

“I feel the same way about you.”

There was a short yet sentimental silence between us.

“I’d better get back down to the corporate conference room,” she said. “I’m trying to reorganize the main training manual, and I’ve got stuff spread out all over the table. I don’t think any meetings are scheduled in there for today, but there are tomorrow, and that means I need to finish up and clear it out before I leave this evening.”

“I need to wind up a couple of things before lunch myself, so I’ll talk to ya.”

“See ya later,” she said, and hung up.

I felt bad for her and me, but I didn’t know how I could simply ignore this newest opportunity. I wanted the corporate position. Actually, I longed for it. But I couldn’t take the chance of missing out on both. I knew if they denied me each of them, I’d have grounds to sue the hell out of them. But deep down, I really didn’t want to go through all of that. This separation between David and me looked like a future divorce, so the idea of having to deal with another legal mess wasn’t too desirable. Plus, I needed at least one area of my life to settle down. I was a Taurus and needed to have a certain amount of stability at all times. I was sure I could learn to love the manufacturing position, so maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to go for it. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise, and I just didn’t know it.