Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never (47 page)

“There's never going to be a wedding if you people won't let us be.” I grab Noah's hand and drag him into the entryway, past Lettie and Lorri and Beth, and out the front door. The air's just starting to cool, give way to winter and welcome in the frost and stark white beauty of snow.

I make Noah sit next to me on the porch swing and cuddle up against his side. I'm tempted to tell him about my plan, about wanting to lose my virginity to him. It's stupid, but even though I'm a little embarrassed about the whole thing, I still feel like I could confide in Noah about it. He's a friend and a boyfriend. How cool is that?

Guess that plan's out the door now, but what about Sunday? After our belly dance performance. That could work. I smile a wicked smile that causes Noah to lift one of his pale brows in question.

“Hatching a plan to destroy your sisters socially?” I snort and shake my head. Even if I were so inclined to take revenge on the little brats, this town is not built for social anything. Our school's made up of a few dozen kids in varying grades, and the major hangout joint is the Dairy Queen. It wouldn't exactly be the worst blow they'd ever suffered.

“Thinking about you,” I tell him, turning my head, so we can look at each other. The porch swing creaks softly as we use our toes to swing gently, swaying back and forth along with the breeze. The wind pulls strands of Noah's beautiful blonde hair across his brow. I can't help myself; I have to sweep it back, to lean forward, to touch his lips with my own.

“What were you thinking exactly?” he asks me, almost coyly, his voice dropping an octave. Goose bumps break out across my skin, and I can't seem to hold back a shiver.

“Something dirty,” I whisper back, still feeling his lips, still tasting him. I scoot over, onto Noah's lap, and thread my fingers together behind his neck. He holds me tight, hugs me against him, and rests his cheek against my chest. He doesn't question me any further, doesn't pressure me to reveal any of my secrets. He knows I'll give them up freely. I press a kiss to the top of Noah's head and know that no matter what happens, what hands of fate might come between us and try to pull us apart, that I'll always love him. Somehow. Someway.

STORY #6: Unfolding Noah, Finding Never, Chapter 31

Do you remember the scene in Finding Never, where Ty and Never make love on top of a playground and Noah Scott sees them? Realizes that he's lost his first love forever? This story's from his POV.

Noah Scott

I cannot believe this is even happening to me.

Five years is a long time to wait.

I pause next to my car and pull off my gloves, breathing hot breath against my fingers to give them life. Any moment now, that gray sky is going to crack open and sprinkle a layer of white across the landscape. Personally, I can't wait.
New beginnings.
That's what this season means to me. A fresh start.

Never's back.

I swallow hard and stuff my gloves into the side pocket on my coat. I don't like wearing them any longer than necessary. I'd much prefer to feel the touch of the world against my fingertips, experience life in all five senses. I glance up, at the tall, silent face of my parent's house and wonder when I'm finally going to get myself together and move out. I'm twenty-one now, and by all rights, I should be long gone. After Never left though, I couldn't bring myself to leave, just in case. It's nice to know that all of those lonely nights and seemingly endless days have paid off. Besides, my parents are never home and their house is the size of most apartment buildings in this area. It would've been a downgrade in square feet for me to leave my room. Not that I even really care about that kind of stuff. It just … makes sense to stay. For now.

I push the button on the handle of my car and the doors unlock, sensing the key fob I have tucked inside my pocket next to the gloves. I climb inside and slam it shut behind me, turning the ignition and making sure the heater's set to full blast. As soon as I melt some of this ice off my windshield, I'm heading back over to the Regalis'.

I sigh and lean my head back against the seat, thinking of that guy, Ty McCabe, and the way Never looks at him. I mean, it's ridiculous to think that she'd have spent the last five years pining away for me, but I'd kind of hoped I'd be given at least a chance to see if things could work between us again. It's hard, knowing how good we were together, knowing that we didn't break up through any decision of my own. And I mean, it's not like I've spent every single second since she left thinking about her either. Yes, there were a few months there where I wasn't sure I was going to survive the heartache, but times change and people change and I did move on. It's just my subconscious that was always whispering in my ear to wait. Even the handful of dates I've been on haven't amounted to much of anything. I haven't had much more than a kiss on the cheek since that night, five, long, hard years ago.

“God.” I groan and put my hands over my face, leaning forward against the steering wheel. I'm not an idiot. Some people think
nice
equates to stupid, but that's not really true at all. I get that Never likes – maybe even
loves –
Ty, but that doesn't mean she's stopped loving me. There's a little voice deep down that keeps telling me to quit, to watch them kiss and let it all go, start over fresh. But I can't. I don't know why, but I just can't.

My phone beeps, and I dig it out of my pocket to check the message.

It's Zella.

The house is lonely without you. Too many sisters, not enough booze. Bring some brandy and eggnog with you. Pretty fucking please?

My lips twitch into a small smile.

I would, but your sister would kill me.
I'm referring to Beth, of course, but Zella knows that.
Maybe you should come over to my place this week and we can watch crappy Christmas movies like we used to do when you were in high school?
I shoot off the text and wait, running the windshield wipers to clear away the melting sheet of ice.

It's nice to have Zella back, almost as nice to see her as it is to see Never. After Never left, Zella and I became friends. She helped fill that void I had inside of me with her soft smiles and good humor. The day she left for college in Texas, I almost went after her. But then, I didn't know what I'd say. Come back and go to community college with me … as friends? Or look at me, your older sister's ex, following you like a stalker as you try to make your way in the world? Neither of those sounded like viable options, so I let her go. There's not much else to it.

Um, yes. Please. I could use a break!

I smile and set the phone in an empty cup holder, releasing the emergency break and pulling down the driveway. Icy gravel crunches underneath my tires as I pause at the road and check for traffic. There's never any out here, but I always look, just in case. Overly cautious. That's me, I guess. I wish I wasn't like this sometimes, but old habits die hard, even if they're detrimental.

I pull out into the street and head toward Zella and Never, their quirky family, that old farmhouse. It feels like a second home to me, like I belong there. It'd be nice if I actually did.

I force myself to drive a little faster than normal, my heart pounding inside my chest with anxiety. It's hard to talk to Never, to try to cut through the thick wall she's built around herself, with Ty around. He's always watching, smiling, listening. Not in a rude way, just … well, he's just there. I'm not sure what to do about that, but keep trying. Maybe nothing will come of this and after Christmas, Never will disappear back to California forever? I have to figure out what I'm going to do with myself if she does.

I pull down the long stretch of dirt and gravel that leads straight to the front door of the Regali family home and park between India's truck and Zella's white sedan. When I climb out, I take my phone with me and find myself greeted vigorously by my own dog. The girls beg me to leave her here sometimes, and I find myself unable to resist hazel eyes and copper hair, sweet smiles and infectious enthusiasm.

Never, the dog version anyway, is all over me, leaping up, putting dirty paw prints across the front of my jacket. If only the human version were this excited to see me, this interested in planting kisses all over my face.

“Okay, okay,” I say with a small laugh, putting my hand on the back of the dog's head and scratching her behind the ears. “I get it. You're happy to see me.” Never wags her tail and looks up at me with brown eyes unclouded by trivialities. She's just happy to alive. I love that about dogs. “Where is everybody?” I ask as I climb up the porch steps and find Zella on her way out to meet me. Her brunette curls hang loosely to her shoulders, more like waves than ringlets. I thought her natural hair color was beautiful, but it wasn't my call to make.

“Hey, stranger,” she says, and I feel an answering warmness inside my chest.

“Hey.” I watch as Zella tucks her hands into the front pockets of her jeans and smiles at me, eyes light and bright, interested.
She likes you, Noah,
I think to myself as I watch her. I like her, too, but I can't act on it. There are just too many reasons why not. Her sister was my first love, my first time. I still have Never Regali's name etched into my heart. I ask myself sometimes if I've just been using Zella as a replacement Never, but I can't answer that question honestly, so I don't. “What are you up to?”

She rolls her eyes playfully and moves forward, grabbing my hand and dragging me inside as my dog weaves between our legs and tries to trip us. The house is warm and smells like cinnamon and clean laundry. It's always nice like this, comforting, real. The only time I'm ever uncomfortable here is when Ms. Regali is home. She's got some serious issues, and even though I hate myself for thinking it, there are times when I wish she'd drop dead. Everyone here would be better off.

“You mean, what are Never and Ty up to, right?” I shrug and smile, trying not to act too obvious about my feelings. There's no doubt in my mind that they're together, wherever they are. I just want a chance to join them, to give this one, last shot. I feel like Never and I both owe ourselves that.

“I guess,” I say, unable to commit to words how I'm feeling. Zella and I though, we talk a lot. Phone calls, texts, emails. She knows how I'm feeling, and I can see the sympathy in her gaze when she looks at me. The very fact that she thinks I need it bothers me.
She knows I've lost.
Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't know that yet?

“They took a walk to the park,” she tells me, dragging me into the living room. There's nobody else in here right now, a black and white movie playing on the TV screen. I glance longingly at the couch and wonder what would happen if I gave in and plopped down next to her, took her hand in mine and just gave in to those feelings I don't understand, let Ty and Never ride off into the sunset.

It's awfully tempting.

“But it's too cold outside for that. Movies, popcorn,
brandy
,” she emphasizes, and I smile. “It's just about the right weather for that.” We make eye contact and something passes between us. I feel my tongue move across my lower lip, unconsciously inviting her to take a step closer. “There are other things, too, that sound pretty good,” Zella whispers. The air between us rises a few degrees, and my coat feels suddenly stifling.

Shit.

If she keeps leaning in like that, I'm going to kiss her, and it's going to feel good, and I'm not going to know what to do with myself.

I take a conscious step back and Zella's face crumbles.

“I think I might take Never out.” I gesture at the dog for emphasis. When I named her originally, I had sort of given up hope that I'd ever actually see my ex again. I didn't think the duplicate name thing was going to be a problem. “She's been cooped up a lot lately; she could use the exercise.”

I shrug helplessly and glance down at the worn wooden floors beneath my boots.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Zella asks, but her voice is so soft when she speaks the words that it's hard to take them offensively. “Never is not the same person she was when she left. You're not the same person.” Zella swallows hard and draws my eyes back up to her face. Her blue T-shirt hangs loosely off one shoulder, exposing her pale perfect skin. The jeans she has on are so tight they look like leggings, and the entire outfit serves to give her this lazy, sexy vibe that makes my teeth hurt. “
I'm
not the same person. I'm not just Never's little sister anymore, Noah. Not to you, not to anybody.”

“Zella,” I begin, but she cuts me off by closing the distance between us and grabbing me by the front of my coat. Our eyes meet and her lips find mine. For a second there, I resist. I dated her sister. I
slept
with her sister. Worst of all, I changed my entire life plan to
wait
for her sister. I can't do this to Zella. I won't.

But then her fingers curl against my chest, and my hands come up to grip her hips, squeezing hard, pulling her closer to me. My mouth opens and I find her tongue, tasting her, melting into the warm heat of her body and the promise of wonderful things that could come of this if I'd only let them.

When she pulls back from me, I'm short of breath and panting.

“Think about it,” she whispers before turning on her bare heel and heading back to the couch. I watch her for a long a moment that feels like forever, before I tuck my gloves back on my hands and turn towards the front door.

“Come on, Never,” I whisper to the dog named after my ex, the physical affirmation of my cowardice and all that's wrong with me. “Fuck.” I whisper the word into the silent air as I step outside and head down the steps. “Fuck.” I'm tight with emotion, my chest screaming for breath, my lungs promising that I won't survive if I don't stop and get myself together.

What's wrong with loving Zella?

There are so many things. I know what most people would think. The very fact that I've loved her sister banishes any chance of us being happy together. But what if everything we've been through, all the heartache and the pain, and the quiet friendship we've built, what if that was all leading up to this? Opening the door for something new?

I clutch a hand to my forehead and then run my fingers through my hair.

“You're lucky,” I tell my dog with a small smile, watching her bark at nothing, her voice echoing in the empty silence. “Your life seems so much simpler. Want to trade places?” Never looks back at me, tongue lolling out of her mouth, and I swear I see a spark in those brown eyes.
Hell no.
That's what any living creature in their right mind would say to me.

I continue down the trail towards the park, spotting a pair of figures atop the play structure. I'm not close enough to be sure, but I think it might be Ty and Never. My heart starts to pick up speed in my chest. She might think it's weird that I've walked all the way down here, but it's too late for me to turn back now.

I tuck my hands in my pockets and keep moving, pausing at the edge of the park where the grassy area gives way to wood chips. My mind goes blank when I blink and try to focus on the scene before me. For almost a minute there, it refuses to believe what it's seeing.

Ty and Never.

Fucking.

In plain sight.

I swallow hard and glance away, pain lancing through my chest like a knife. Knowing something happens and seeing it happen for yourself are two entirely different things. I breathe out, my breath a white cloud in the quiet air, and try to force oxygen back into my lungs. From where I'm standing, I can even hear … them.

A torch I've been holding for such a long fucking time finally goes out and with it, the light inside my chest. As I turn away, I feel nothing but coldness. Deep, deep down, there's a whisper that this was the break I was looking for, the moment of truth, the opportunity.
Zella.
That voice gets buried beneath a whole host of other sounds: regret, pain, jealousy, frustration. I wanted for so, so long and this is how it ends?

As I make my way back to the house, I feel it, the last piece of my internal puzzle clicking into place. My teenage years fade away to nothing, the love I nurtured and cared for so thoroughly wilting away like a flower encased in ice.

This is it.

It's over.

Never loves Ty. I can see that.
They
are both well aware of that.

It's done.

I've lost.