TAUT (31 page)

“Oh. My. God,” Ash moans into her pillow.

“What’s the problem?” It’s still dark, so I’m not even in the mood to be awake right now, but Kate’s unhappy complaints pull me right out of my peaceful post-sex slumber.

“She won’t sleep. I’ve fed her, she didn’t burp, and now she’s cranky. I’m so tired. Please, Katelynn,
please
just let mommy sleep.”

Exhausted Ashleigh is whiny.

I like it.

I’m not sure why I like it, since most guys would probably find it annoying, but I like her baby-begging. “Give her to me, I’ll try.”

“Be my guest.” She rolls over and brings the baby with her and as soon as I lift Kate up, Ashleigh rolls her back to me and fluffs her pillow. I put the baby on my chest and pat her back. This is how long it takes Ash to start snoring.

She’s not kidding about being tired. I have no idea what it takes to keep a baby content, but I imagine it’s quite a task. And she’s been doing it alone since Kate was born.

When I sleep with them, I wake up too, but I don’t actually have to do anything. I just grumble and go back to sleep. But Ashleigh has to feed her, change her, and then probably entertain her if she isn’t in the mood to sleep.

Kate lifts her head and shoulders off my chest with a frustrated whimper, and then collapses. I sit up a little so she’s not so flat and pat her back a little harder. She lets loose a massive belch and I can’t help it, I chuckle. “Nice one, Kate.” She agrees and I feel her relax a little.

I’ve never felt this kind of closeness before. No wonder my parents were always touching me as a baby. That makes me smile. Until I realize how hard it must’ve been to have a kid like me. How would I feel if Kate hated for me to touch her?

Not good. I like this. Especially when she’s relaxed and comfortable. It’s like an accomplishment, keeping babies happy. Very satisfying.

The bedside table clock says it’s four AM.

All this might be gone in a few hours. If we were in the car right now we’d be to LA by eight. Well, with traffic, probably longer since it’s a Wednesday. I could make an afternoon meeting. And Old Ford might’ve jumped at that chance. This job is a big deal. Not because of the money, which is nice. It pays a hell of a lot more than fucking game and reality shows. But I don’t need the money. I just need to feel fulfilled, and this career might be just what I need to get a little closer to that.

I admit, the projects I’ve done so far haven’t been that satisfying. The only good thing about Spencer’s show was Rook. And the game shows, fuck. As soon as I have something else to put on my resume, those will be the first credits to go.

So I’m really looking forward to being involved in this show. It’s a science fiction pilot set on a future Earth. Sci-fi is a very popular film genre and it has a nice effects budget, so the whole project will be a huge leap forward for me.

But… I also like
this
. I like this
girl
. I like this
baby
. I like having these two people around me. I like sharing our meals, and traveling together, and shopping.

I like being responsible for them.

It’s… intimate.

Very.

In fact, this trip with Ash and Kate is probably the most intimate thing I’ve ever done.

Something tickles my ribs and it takes me a few seconds to realize I was just drooled on.

I love it.

Kate squirms because I’ve stopped patting her back and she’s letting me know in her own little baby way to get busy with it again.

I resume the patting because she asked so sweetly.

Fucking Merc would have my balls if he saw me now. Hell, even Spencer would rub my face in it. Up until this… diversion in my life… Ronin was the only one of my friends who ever wanted a serious relationship. He’s always been looking for the future Mrs. Ronin Flynn. It was like a big joke a couple years back when we were working together regularly.

Ashleigh lets out a loud snore and then rolls over my way again. Even in the dim light she looks pale and exhausted. All this caregiving is draining her. She needs someone to care for
her
.

And really, that’s what families do. They care for each other. So when the bad stuff comes they have someone to lean on. A family is really like a team. People you can rely on to have your back. At least that’s how it was for me. My mom and dad always had my back.

I had a lot of fucking therapy as a kid. Mostly because I was defective. And weird. I refused to talk, I carried on when people touched me. I learned things too quickly. I never made friends. In fact, I just didn’t get the point of friends. I didn’t need them. I only needed me.

Or so I thought. Because obviously I just never understood what it meant to have these other relationships in my life.

Spencer living across the street from me all growing up was a convenient friendship. That’s how we became close over the years. And he never fucked with me. Ever. When I told him not to touch me, he shrugged and said
whatever.
Then went back to sorting through his Matchbox cars, giving me half—always the shitty ones. But he never questioned me. He was just there. And I suppose that’s where that loyalty to him and Ronin stems from. Spencer’s unconditional acceptance of me and my weirdness.

I never really appreciated him. Or Ronin, for that matter.

My therapists—all of my many,
many
therapists—they all warned me that being alone is not part of the human condition.

That’s the word they used. Always. The human condition. Like it needs to be capitalized.

People are social, they insisted. And since I am a person, I need to be social.

It just never happened that way. I did get better at things. I can talk to people, obviously. I did well in school. I played on teams and learned that whole working together lesson. And there’s no way you can produce shows and films alone. Even if you carry the camera and do the editing yourself, you have to have actors.

MIT never understood why I turned them down, but I knew accepting that offer was a dead end for me. I knew it instinctively. I knew that locking myself away in a lab curing diseases, or desperately seeking to understand the real significance of the Higgs boson, or looking up in the night sky trying to discern the percentage of nitrogen gas around distant planets—or any of the other millions of more worthwhile things I should be doing with my intellect than producing game shows—these things, these experiences would not be in
my
best interest.

Because even though people are social, the self has to come first or it all breaks down.

I went to film school to save myself from wasting my life away as a lonely, solitary introvert.

I joined my first team when I went to college. Not the baseball team or the occasional pick-up hockey teams. My first social team—Film Studies. That one step forward opened the door to Ronin, Spencer, and Mardee. My first, and only, professional team. Which led to Rook. Which led to Ashleigh.

And even though I’m here for my own selfish reasons—I like her, I want to fuck her nightly and again every morning—right now, this actual moment in time, I’m here because Ashleigh looks like she could use another team member.

I’d like to be on her team.

Kate squirms and I pat her back. She’s already got me trained. If she wiggles a little she can get a part of the human condition we all crave.

Intimacy and love.

And since I’m part of the human condition, as well as a sucker for adorable babies who have moms named Ashleigh, I give in. I pat her back until she’s sleeping so deep she no longer notices the lack of rhythmic thumping against her skin.

But since she’s part of the human condition as well, she returns the favor. And I drift off to the beat of her heart against mine, feeling appreciated and satisfied.

Chapter Thirty-Four

It’s the French toast that wakes me. Kate is no longer on my chest—in fact, I’m face down in the pillow. Ashleigh is also missing. Which explains the French toast.

Four Seasons room service.

I roll out of bed, glance at myself in the mirror, stop to flatten down some bedhead, and then make my way out to the living area of the suite. The dining table is filled with food, but that’s not what catches my attention first. “She sits!” I beam at Kate in her highchair and she shoots me a toothless grin and flails her hands in response.

Ashleigh is sitting at the table wearing a fluffy white robe, spooning some goop into Kate’s eager mouth. “Yeah,” she smiles over her shoulder. “She’s four months today and I thought I’d see if she could manage the chair.”

“Four months. You said three years.”

“You asked when they could sit in a chair alone or something ridiculous like that. She can’t sit up all by herself just yet. But probably pretty soon. They learn new things every day when they’re this small.”

I’m intrigued. “What else do they do at four months?”

“Roll over, so keep an eye out. And teeth will be coming soon, I think.”

The table is filled with pretty much everything on the breakfast menu so I help myself to some eggs and waffles, pour some syrup, and take a seat on the other side of Ash. “So she’s gonna be entertaining us daily? Nice.”

“Yeah, well, she’ll also start getting more demanding and stop sleeping so much too. This is when the hard part starts.” Ash lets out a long sigh and I know exactly what that sigh says. She’s gonna have to deal with all the bad stuff alone. And all the good stuff is just a little less fun when she’s got no one to share it with.

“I’ll help if you need anything. I got her to sleep last night, didn’t I?”

Ashleigh looks up at me again. “Thank you. And…” She trails off a little and I swear she’s blushing. “I’d just like to officially declare that last night was amazing. Except—”

I raise my eyebrows and swallow my eggs. “You have a complaint? How is this possible?”

She blushes even brighter. “You just said… and normally I would not bring it up, but you’re the one who said…”

I wait, but she waves her hand in a never-mind gesture.

“Said? What?”

She shakes her head furiously and then giggles. She’s too embarrassed to say the words.

I can’t help myself, I laugh. “You have to say it or I’ll punish you. Three swats for not finishing a thought, and one extra when it’s about sex.”

“Well, you said, back in the room in Utah, that you’d tie my ankles to my thighs.”

I laugh.

“Ford, you made me come with words. That’s not something you forget.”

“I do not take requests, Miss Li. So I can make no promises.”

“Whatever.”

“But I’ll do my best to fulfill your secret desires next time.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “You have no idea what my secret desires are.”

“No?”

“No, but I know what yours is.” She smirks at me.

“I’m waiting.”

“Me.” The light dances off her mischievous eyes and then she bats her lashes.

God, she’s cute. “You’re right. You are my most secret desire.” I lean over the small table and bite her earlobe, whispering in her ear, “Will there be a next time?”

She draws in a deep breath. “I hope so. But I have to see what happens today. I’m just not sure what’s gonna happen.”

“I understand.” I bite her softly again, hoping
she
understands what that bite says.

Ashleigh wipes Kate’s face, much to the dismay of the infant, and then scoops her up out of the high chair and saunters off. “We’re gonna take a bath before we go.”

I try to will myself not to feel disappointed, but I can’t help it. This is it. This—whatever it is—is over. My food is suddenly unappetizing and I push the plate away and go out onto the balcony.

It’s loud outside. Even though we’re thirty-nine floors up, it’s still loud. Most of the noise is wind, but the sound of a city as busy as Vegas can never really be drowned out. I lean over the railing, soaking up the sun for a while. It feels good after the blizzards in Colorado this winter.

God, I just don’t know how to process this Ashleigh thing. She’s the one who mentioned the possibility of a next time. She’s sending such mixed signals. And part of me wonders if some of her actions and feelings towards me are only due to her unstable state of mind. She’s definitely not one hundred percent in the emotional department, but then again, who is? Not me, that’s for sure. I’m all over the place too. One minute I’m New Ford, team of one. And then the next I’m playing father to an infant whose real father is waiting for her in LA.

Maybe I should back off. Bow out gracefully and exhibit all those bullshit good loser manners my dad was always trying to teach me. I stare down at the traffic as I try and come to terms with my current reality.

A little while later Ash and Kate come out of the bedroom and I turn to watch them. Ashleigh is wearing a t-shirt of mine. This one says
When hell freezes over, I’ll ski there too
. That makes me smile because it totally fits her. She’s just flipping a big fuck you to the world. And then I notice Kate’s wearing a pretty orange dress and she has matching bows in her hair.

I wonder if Ash dressed her up because she’s gonna go see her dad today? It’s ridiculous to be jealous, I realize this. I bought her the fucking dress. I might not’ve picked it out, but I fucking paid for it. She’s wearing a dress I gave her.

But it’s not enough. I need more. It’s painful to think of losing these two. Especially so soon after the whole falling out with Rook. “Don’t pack, Ashleigh,” I call to her as I go back in. “The staff is going to box it all up and deliver it to LA tomorrow. Just take what you need for today.”

I figure this will give me one more chance to see them if she walks away from me this afternoon. But if she suspects my motives, she holds it in. Because she’s already telling Kate the latest news on the Itsy-Bitsy Spider.

Fuck.

I can’t do this. I can’t just give up with her like I did Rook.

Fuck Tony. I let Ronin have Rook because it’s what she really wanted and I’d be the biggest dick in the world if I stole her from him just because I could.