Tears Fall at Night - smashwords (7 page)

“Dad fixed the faucet,” Dontae told her in an upbeat tone.

Joy grabbed hold of her mother’s hand and squeezed. “He paid the bills, too, Mom. So, you won’t have to worry about that when you come home.”

“Did he say if he was coming back home?” Carmella asked, hating herself for even needing to ask something like that, but she couldn’t deny that she wanted her husband and her life back.

“He didn’t stay at the house last night, but I’m sure he’ll come back home, Mama. You just have to keep the faith, like you always tell us. Isn’t that right, Joy?” Dontae looked to his big sister for support.

“Stop doing this to yourself, Dontae.” She moved him away from the bed and told him to sit down. Joy then turned back to her mother and said, “Dad said that he’s going to pay the bills for another three months, but after that you are on your own. I’m sorry to tell you this so flat out, but I don’t want you to keep your hopes up for a man who may never come back to you.”

“What else am I supposed to do, Joy? I’ve been married to your father for twenty-five years. My parents and my brother are gone… he’s all I have.”

Joy sat down next to her mother’s bed and held onto her hand. “That’s not true, Mama. You’ve got me and Dontae. And we will never leave you.”

Tears sprang to Carmella’s eyes. Her children brought her so much joy, and she never meant to insinuate that they weren’t enough. As Joy and Dontae grew, she and Nelson made sure that they had all they needed and then some. From vacations to cars and education… you name it, her children had it, because Carmella required no less. She and her brother grew up in poverty. Carmella never wanted her children to experience the pain and embarrassment of being financially broke. But now she had allowed them to see her emotionally broken. As tears continued to fall down her face, Carmella wondered which was worse.

“Don’t cry, Mama. I’m a dope. I shouldn’t have said any of that to you today.” Joy put her head in her hand and shook it.

“What Joy is trying to say is that we just want you to get better. Don’t worry about what Daddy’s doing. And you don’t need to worry about the bills either because they’ve been paid,” Dontae said.

There he was sounding all grown up again. Just two months ago she couldn’t get him to stop playing his video games long enough to take out the trash, now he was admonishing her to keep the faith and encouraging her to worry less. Pretty soon he’d be leaving home, headed off to Harvard, his dad’s alma mater. Carmella had imagined that she would convince Nelson to travel the world with her once Dontae was settled in college… she wiped away the tears, hating the fact that Nelson’s betrayal hurt so much. “I’m sorry about losing it the way I did. Seeing your father with Jasmine just caused something to snap inside of me.”

“It’s been hard on you, Mom, we know that,” Dontae encouraged.

But Carmella lifted a hand, stopping him from saying anything further. “I don’t care how hard this is on me. I’m ashamed of myself for allowing you and your sister to see me like this. All I can do is apologize for what I’ve done and make a promise to both of you that once I get out of here, I’ll never lose it like this again.” Carmella had no idea how she would keep that promise, but she knew she had to say something to reassure her children.

The door opened and Rose walked in. “Well, don’t you look alert this morning.”

Carmella gave her friend a questioning glance. “Were you here yesterday?”

“You know it. The kids and I spent the day with you.”

“Aunt Rose did more than spend the day with you. She sent us home and spent the evening in here praying for you,” Joy told her mother.

“Is that true, Rose?”

Rose shrugged. “I didn’t do anything that you wouldn’t have done for me.”

“I don’t even remember anything about yesterday. Except that I felt as if I was in a fog and couldn’t get out.”

“That was because of all the meds they had you on. But Aunt Rose told me to make them stop medicating you,” Joy told her mother. “We knew you’d feel better once you could think straight.”

Carmella hoped that her daughter was right about that. After seeing Nelson with that man- stealing woman-child, and being laughed at for coming to get her own husband, Carmella had lost it. It was good to be able to lay there and talk with her children and her best friend. They spent the morning talking and then the nurse came in and told Carmella that she was being released.

“Thank the Lord,” Rose shouted.

But Carmella didn’t feel much like thanking the Lord, because she felt as if the Lord had let her down. Where had He been when Nelson was stepping out on her? Why hadn’t the Lord allowed her to detect the clues that must have been there? And why had the Lord allowed Nelson to walk his narrow behind out of her life?

She didn’t tell anyone how she was feeling. She just went home, climbed into her bed and lay there while Joy and Dontae fussed over her. The television was tuned in to the news and all of it seemed so depressing that Carmella couldn’t take anymore. She began channel surfing, hoping to find something to put her in a better mood.

“Do you need anything?” Joy asked as she opened her bedroom door.

“I don’t need anything, Joy. You just asked me that ten minutes ago. You and your brother need to chill. Go watch a movie or something.”

“Okay, but if you need me, remember that I’m just downstairs.” Joy looked anxious as she closed the door.

Carmella understood why her children were watching her like she was a kleptomaniac in a room full of fine china, but she needed time alone. She needed to think. Something she hadn’t allowed herself to do much of since Nelson packed his bags and left. Carmella had been acting as if her life was over. But in truth, she still had a great deal to live for. Carmella just needed to find a way to let what she had left be enough. So far she hadn’t figured out how to do that. But she was home and back in her right mind, so figuring out her new life would become priority number one, first thing in the morning. But tonight, she just wanted to veg out and watch television mindlessly for a few hours.

As she switched from channel to channel, she happened upon a Christian station, which reminded her that she hadn’t been to church since this ordeal with Nelson began. Carmella didn’t want to be preached at or feel convicted tonight, so she switched to the next station. It was another Christian station. But this one was showcasing a gospel concert. Carmella loved gospel music and would spend all day in the kitchen cooking and praising God while her praise music vibrated against the walls.

Recently though, when she’d gone into her beloved kitchen, it had only been to fix a quick meal, so she hadn’t bothered turning on her gospel music. Nor had she bothered to praise the Lord while she went about her day. As she lay there watching and listening to the video of Deitrick Haddon singing Well Done, she realized that even after all that had happened to her, she still wanted to make it to heaven and wanted to hear God say well done.

As Deitrick asked, through song, if anyone wanted to see their loved ones again, tears dripped down Carmella’s face as she thought of her parents and her brother, the loved ones she had lost and was positive that they had already heard the Lord say well done.

Carmella was amazed as she listened to the words of that beautiful song. But what disheartened her was the fact that the very same man who sang a song that could speak to the very heart and soul of the listener and cause them to want to do what’s right in order to make it into heaven, had struggled in his marriage as well.

Nelson was awful for what he had done to her, but at least he wasn’t a pastor or minister of the gospel. Just when she was starting to get angry, and plotting a beat down, rather than enjoying the song for the praise it sent up to God, the messenger left the screen and the song ended. Carmella knew that wanting to smash in the face of every man who ever had the audacity to cry out to God with the same mouth they asked for a divorce with, was not in any way, shape or form being Christ like. But she couldn’t help how she was feeling. She also knew that God loved that singer just as much as he loved her and some times things happen in life. But that never destroys God’s message of hope and love.

She was about to turn off the television and close her eyes to try to get her mind right, when the host of the gospel video fest started talking and it seemed to Carmella as if he was speaking directly to her.

He said, “Life is strange in that we can be praising God one moment and falling into sin the next. Or if we aren’t the one committing sin, we are so busy judging the ones who fall into sin that God finds no pleasure in us either.

“In Galatians 6:1 it says, If a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.

“What am I trying to say?” the announcer asked after quoting from the bible. “Whether you are the one caught up in sin, or you’re the one watching and judging it, we all need to pray. And one more thing…”

He pointed at the screen in a manner that caused Carmella to believe that he was once again only speaking to her, “When you’re in the midst of trauma and drama, don’t forget to get your praise on.”

With that said the video of Praise Him in Advance by Marvin Sapp began playing. He was one of her all time favorite gospel singers. He had experienced so much tragedy in his life, and yet he still praised God. Carmella had much respect for Marvin Sapp. So when his video came on, she lifted up on her elbow and leaned closer to the television. Then Marvin Sapp reminded her that praise was her weapon against her problems, because it confused the enemy. She had forgotten how to praise God as she began going through this situation with Nelson. Carmella could picture the devil laughing at her right now.

She didn’t know how or why it happened, but Carmella was clear on something now: she was in a spiritual battle and the winner would get her soul. When she gave her life to God two decades ago, it had been because she wanted to make it to heaven. She may have forgotten that simple fact over the last month, but in truth, Nelson’s leaving hadn’t changed her mind. She still wanted to see Jesus, her parents, her brother and everyone else that was walking on streets of gold. Carmella just didn’t know how to get back to that place of peace she had once known.

Come to Me. My arms are open wide, waiting for you.

It was like a sweet whisper in her ear, but Carmella knew that God had just spoken into her spirit. She was going to win the battle, because she was going to start praising God even before the storm was through raging, as Marvin Sapp’s song advised.

The next video popped up and Mary Mary started singing about taking the shackles off their feet, Carmella flung the covers off, got out of bed and started dancing around her room. She was just getting started as that video ended and the announcer declared, “You got problems, you got pain? Well praise God anyhow and watch Him bring you through it all.”

When Yolanda Adams’s I Got the Victory came on, Carmella lifted her hands and praised the Lord like she hadn’t in a long, long time. Each one of the performers that night had spoken to Carmella’s heart in a special way, but Yolanda’s words emboldened her. She had the victory alright, and she wasn’t ever going to give it back.

“You can’t have my mind and you sure can’t have my soul.” She was shouting at the devil that tried to destroy her life and with each step as she danced around her room, she was stomping on that serpent’s head.

Her door swung open and Joy and Dontae ran in. “What’s wrong?” Joy asked, breathlessly.

“What happened?” Dontae asked as he came in behind his sister.

Carmella’s turned toward the door as her children rushed in. They had these worried looks on their faces, like they thought it was time for another seventy-two hour hold. “Relax, you two. I haven’t cracked up again. I’m just praising God.”

“What for?” Dontae asked as if that was the most ludicrous thing he’d ever heard.

“You’ve seen me praise God before.”

“Yeah, but that was when you had something to praise Him for,” Dontae said.

Her children didn’t understand her. But Carmella couldn’t blame them. She had been walking around like a woman with no faith for over a month. She’d allowed Nelson to strip her bare—but no more. “For the rest of my life, I will praise God whether things are right or wrong… whether I’m happy or sad.”

“If you say so,” Joy said with a raised eyebrow.

“What do you mean, if I say so? God is good, Joy Lynn and it’s time we started appreciating Him for His goodness.”

Both Joy and Dontae looked at her as if she’d just stepped off a space ship and asked them to take her to their leader.

She didn’t have time for unbelief. Carmella was on an uphill climb, finding her way back to her Savior and she wasn’t about to let her kids get her off track. She put her hands on her hips and told them, “Either praise God with me, or get out of my room so I can finish my praise dance.”

“I’m not going to dance around this room looking crazy,” Joy said as she turned and walked out of her mother’s bedroom.

“Count me out, too,” Dontae told her as he also left the room.

Carmella smiled, turned up her television and kept dancing. Because she’d realized something… not only did she still have her children, but as Joy promised, they would never leave her. Carmella also knew that God was still on her side and that he would never leave her.

8

Things weren’t all good in her life, but Carmella was in a praise-Him-anyhow kind of mood and she prayed she would stay in that frame of mind for the rest of her life. Her children were having a hard time adjusting to their new normal and Carmella blamed herself for a lot of their struggles. If she had handled the separation better, then maybe Joy wouldn’t have quit working for her dad or lost so much enthusiasm for law school. Dontae had started cutting classes and being disrespectful to his teachers. Carmella was still praying about the best way to handle that. With Dontae, if she pushed too hard, he would just shut down and she wouldn’t be able to reach him at all.