Terrified (18 page)
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“
A
re you sure you’re okay?” Megan asked, glancing over her shoulder at him. She was putting the garlic bread in the oven. They were having spaghetti and turkey meatballs tonight.
A
re you sure you’re okay?” Megan asked, glancing over her shoulder at him. She was putting the garlic bread in the oven. They were having spaghetti and turkey meatballs tonight.
The way Josh had bounded through the front door a few minutes ago—all flushed, out of breath, almost
traumatized
-looking—had alarmed her. He’d said he was fine, but hadn’t quite looked her in the eye. Then he’d dumped his backpack and jacket on one of the chairs in the dining room, a habit of his that drove her crazy. Now he was grabbing a Coke out of the refrigerator.
traumatized
-looking—had alarmed her. He’d said he was fine, but hadn’t quite looked her in the eye. Then he’d dumped his backpack and jacket on one of the chairs in the dining room, a habit of his that drove her crazy. Now he was grabbing a Coke out of the refrigerator.
“I’m fine,” he said again, opening the can of soda. “I just lost track of the time practicing my hoop shots.” He moved over to the other side of the breakfast counter and took a swig of Coke. “Um, that—that weirdo who called you, the one you thought might start following me, he didn’t call again today, did he?”
She closed the oven door and gaped at him. “Why? Did something happen?”
He quickly shook his head. “No, I’m just making sure.”
Megan shrugged. “No, he hasn’t called since Saturday. You were probably right earlier today when you said it was nothing.”
He nodded pensively, then sipped his Coke. “Do you want dinner here or in front of the TV? I think
House Hunters
is on.”
House Hunters
is on.”
She reached for her glass of pinot grigio. “I’m kind of tired of
House Hunters.
If I have to listen to one more woman talk about gutting a perfectly sweet kitchen just because it doesn’t have stainless-steel appliances and granite countertops, I’ll throw up. It’s your pick tonight.”
House Hunters.
If I have to listen to one more woman talk about gutting a perfectly sweet kitchen just because it doesn’t have stainless-steel appliances and granite countertops, I’ll throw up. It’s your pick tonight.”
“I’ll set up the TV tables, and see what’s on.” He headed into the living room.
“Thanks, honey,” she called. She waited to hear the television go on, but it was strangely quiet for a minute.
“Hey, Mom?” he said.
With an oven mitt in her hand, Megan stepped out of the kitchen and saw him in the living room. He held the framed photo of his “father” and her on the cruise ship deck. His mouth was twisted over to one side as he studied it. “Was Dad popular in high school?” he asked.
She took another step toward the living room. “I didn’t know him in high school, honey. But—from what he told me, I think he liked high school.”
“Was he in any sports? Was he like a big jock or something?”
She remembered Glenn had been on the football team. He’d told her several tales of his gridiron glory. “He played basketball, like you,” she lied. “I think he was a center. Why the third degree about your father all of the sudden? Did something happen at school today?”
Josh glanced at the picture again, and then set it down. “No, I was just wondering, that’s all.”
“Well, dinner should be ready in about five minutes,” she announced, retreating into the kitchen.
She stirred the spaghetti sauce, and tried not to jump to any conclusions about Josh’s inquiries. He certainly must have wondered why he looked nothing like the man who was supposed to be his father. In fact, if he resembled anyone, it was the uncle he didn’t know he’d had.
She remembered when Cliff had snapped that photo of her and Sean on the Caribbean cruise. One of the few things she’d held on to from the old days was a framed print of
Palm Tree, Nassau
by Winslow Homer. After their cruise, Cliff had given her a pretty, somewhat melancholy picture of a palm swaying in the wind. She’d taken the print with her to Seattle and then had it framed. It hung over her brass bed. Some shrink would probably have a field day analyzing that, but the colors in the print matched her sage bedspread.
Palm Tree, Nassau
by Winslow Homer. After their cruise, Cliff had given her a pretty, somewhat melancholy picture of a palm swaying in the wind. She’d taken the print with her to Seattle and then had it framed. It hung over her brass bed. Some shrink would probably have a field day analyzing that, but the colors in the print matched her sage bedspread.
That cruise had been her first trip with her brother and his boyfriend. Cliff’s hair had just started growing back from the chemotherapy sessions when Sean had returned. Having looked after her brother for three weeks in the hospital and through two months of chemo, she’d wanted to tell his former boyfriend,
It’s awfully noble of you to come back now that Cliff’s in remission.
But Cliff had been so happy to have him in his life again she’d kept her big mouth shut. Still, she never entirely forgave Sean for deserting her brother while he’d been so ill.
It’s awfully noble of you to come back now that Cliff’s in remission.
But Cliff had been so happy to have him in his life again she’d kept her big mouth shut. Still, she never entirely forgave Sean for deserting her brother while he’d been so ill.
It was during this period, when Cliff’s cancer was in check, that the three of them took several trips together. Cliff and Sean kept trying to fix her up with different guys. But she still had an impossible crush on Dr. Glenn Swann. She and Glenn hadn’t even had a date. Still, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. While visiting all these places with her brother and Sean, she kept wishing she were there with Glenn. Cliff knew she was lovesick, and he teased her: “I know who you’d rather be with. A cruise with your brother and his boyfriend—some consolation prize, like the year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni they give game show contestants so they don’t go home with nothing.”
Lisa smiled. “Oh, you guys are better than Rice-A-Roni.”
He nudged her. “Well, if you think I’m going to end up in the hospital with cancer again—just so you can get together with Dr. Green Eyes—you’ve got another thing coming, sister.”
But that was how it happened.
After five months, in July of 1995, Cliff had a recurrence—only Dr. Swann wasn’t around at first. He was away at a convention. Lisa asked for him every day, and it wasn’t just because she liked him. Dr. Swann also gave her hope for her brother.
Sean stuck around this time. They put Cliff on high doses of chemo, and wanted to try stem cell transplantation. It required a lengthy hospital stay, and her bone marrow didn’t match. She telephoned her father several times, asking him to come in so they could check him for a match. She always got Nora or their machine. He never called back.
That was Lisa’s last attempt to talk with her father.
With Cliff back in the hospital, Lisa became reacquainted with most of the staff—including a nurse, Melissa Gable, who had been working on another floor during Cliff’s previous stay. Melissa quickly became Cliff’s favorite nurse. Six feet tall and thin, she had wavy black hair and a sweet smile. She brought Cliff and Sean homemade snickerdoodle cookies. Lisa got to know a few other patients and their family members, too. One of them was a thin, brooding, handsome teenager with perpetually unkempt dark brown hair. He reminded her of a skinny James Dean. She’d see him in the hallway, waiting room, or cafeteria, and always gave a shy nod and smiled politely. He’d just nod back and then glance away. He looked sullen and sleep-deprived.
One afternoon, while the doctor was examining her brother, Lisa found herself in the waiting room with the young man. She was in a hardback chair and he sat on the beige sofa, facing her. She couldn’t really concentrate on the article about Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley in
People
. She finally put the magazine down and sighed. “My brother has cancer, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma,” she announced.
People
. She finally put the magazine down and sighed. “My brother has cancer, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma,” she announced.
He met her gaze. “My sister Cassie’s kidneys are shot. Renal failure, they call it.” Then he started to cry.
Lisa helplessly watched him sob for a few moments. She finally put her magazine aside, then went and sat next to him on the sofa. “There, there,” was all she could say, stroking his arm. He suddenly threw his head on her shoulder and wept. Part of her wanted to cry, too—for this young guy, for Cliff, and for herself. But she held back her tears, rocked him, and patted him on the back.
His name was Travis McClaren. His older sister was the only family he had. She’d been sick on and off for the last year. Travis told Lisa that he recognized her from back in February, when she’d been to the hospital every day. His sister had been in a different wing, but he used to see Lisa in the cafeteria and the lobby.
Lisa saw Travis at the hospital over the next few days. Each time, he had something for her—a pack of Red Vines from the vending machine, chewing gum from the gift shop, a cup of coffee from the stand in the lobby. Obviously, he had a crush on her, and she welcomed the attention. She needed a distraction from the constant bad news about Cliff. They couldn’t find a match on a bone marrow donor, and the chemo was making him sicker and sicker.
One afternoon, she was so worn out and depressed that when she spotted Travis coming down the corridor with a bouquet of assorted flowers in his hand, all she could work up for him was a pale smile. “Those are pretty,” she murmured. “Cassie’s going to appreciate them.”
Travis thrust the bouquet in front of her face. “They’re not for her. They’re for you.”
“Oh, thank you anyway, but no. Really, you should give them to your sister.”
Grinning, he shook his head. “Nope.”
“All right, then, give them to your girlfriend,” she suggested.
“That’s what I’m trying to do,” he replied.
She managed to smile. “I’m very flattered, Travis, but we’re not …” She took a deep breath. “We’re friends, and I like you a lot. You’re a terrific guy. But we don’t have that kind of relationship. You’re seventeen. I couldn’t go out with you even if I wanted to.” She glanced down at the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m really in an awful mood. We can talk about this later, okay? For now, why don’t you go take those flowers to Cassie?”
He took a step back. “Fuck her,” he whispered.
Lisa stared at him. “What?”
“I hate her,” he said, throwing a disgusted look toward his sister’s room. “Cassie did this to herself. She made a lot of bad choices. She wouldn’t listen to me at all, and I saw this coming. I warned her. I tried to help her. If she’d gone to a doctor when she first got sick, she wouldn’t be here now. She wouldn’t be dying, the stupid bitch… .”
With her back against the wall, Lisa numbly gazed at him. “You don’t mean what you’re saying. She’s the only family you have, you told me that—”
“And she’s going to die soon. So will your brother. Then it’ll be just you and me.”
Dumbfounded, Lisa just shook her head at him.
“You’re the only reason I still come here now,” he continued. “Cassie’s dead to me. You have to face the fact your brother’s going to die, too. If by some miracle, he lives through this, he’ll just be back in the hospital again with AIDS—like so many of them. I think it’s great the way you’ve stuck by him. It’s one of the things about you that I fell in love with. But being what he is, he’ll have to pay for the choices he’s made, and he’s going to die… .”
“That’s really homophobic,” she growled. “And that’s my brother you’re talking about.” Pushing him away, she hurried down the corridor toward the restroom.
Travis threw down the flowers, and trailed after her. “When he dies, I’ll be there for you. I can take care of you, Lisa. You don’t know this about me, but I’m getting a shitload of money in a few years when I’m twenty… .”
She ducked into the women’s restroom, and then held the door closed. “Leave me alone!” she yelled.
Lisa hid in there for fifteen minutes. She retreated into one of the stalls, broke down, and cried. It wasn’t even a good cry. She ended up with a runny nose and a throbbing headache. At the sinks, she splashed cold water on her face, and she felt better. She was so relieved not to find Travis waiting for her when she finally opened the bathroom door.
Still, as Lisa headed down the hallway toward Cliff’s room, she expected Travis to pop out of one of the other rooms. She reached Cliff’s doorway and stopped dead.
Dr. Swann stood at her brother’s bedside. He was tan, and wore a white lab coat over a polo shirt and jeans. Cliff seemed only half awake, while Dr. Swann swabbed his forehead with a damp washcloth. She’d often done that for her brother, and watched some of his nurses do it, too. But she’d never seen a
doctor
taking on that tender, nurturing task.
doctor
taking on that tender, nurturing task.
“You’re here, you’re back,” Lisa whispered. “Thank God.”
She couldn’t help it. Tears stung her eyes, and she started crying again.
Putting down the washcloth, he came and put his arm around her. Then he led her out of the room. She shuddered gratefully just to have his hand on her shoulder. “I’ve been asking for you every day since Cliff was admitted here last Monday,” she said. “I kept thinking I’d never see you again. I was so afraid Cliff might die before you got back… .”
Dr. Swann pulled her into an empty room. He closed the door and held her. “It’s okay, Lisa,” he said. “I’m here for you now. I’ll take care of everything… .”
She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face against his neck. The slight stubble on his jaw scratched her, but she relished it. She dared to kiss him on the neck.
He pulled away a bit, and her heart sank. She was so afraid she’d put him off. She was about to apologize when he leaned in again and kissed her on the cheek, where her tears were. Then his lips slid down to her mouth, and he kissed her.
“I’ll take care of everything,” he whispered again.
And he did. Cliff suddenly became next in line for a bone marrow transplant, and they were testing for a match daily. Lisa knew it was Glenn “calling in a few favors,” but she didn’t mind. It helped that no one on the staff seemed to resent her or Cliff—no Nurse Stacey types this time around. She never said anything to Glenn, but Travis’s sister was transferred to a different wing. Lisa still spotted Travis occasionally in the cafeteria, when she was with Glenn. She went back to the nod and the polite smile she used to give him; and in turn, Travis would glare at them. It made her slightly uncomfortable, but when Glenn was with her, nothing else seemed to matter.
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