That Time I Joined the Circus (19 page)

Mike’s Diner, Bowery — Friday, January 21

“So, the causes leading up to World War I, in order of importance. Go.”

“Arrrghh, my brain hurts!” I complained, laying my head dramatically on the table in front of me, narrowly missing the remainder of Eli’s eggs.

“You have to pass this, X,” he said, using his old nickname for me. Eli’s parents had loosened up the house arrest rules a little, and we had been slipping back into a lot of old habits lately, including holding court at our old diner, the one I had been obliged to give up when Bailey found their healthy menu to be lacking.

Eli reached across the table to raise my chin and look directly in my eyes. “You have to study,” he told me.

“I know,” I said. “I’m going to try to be good. Right after I have some more hot cocoa.” I smiled at him.

“Fine,” he ground out, grabbing my mug and heading up
to the counter. I was conscious of the fact that I’d just pulled what was essentially a girlfriend move, making him go get my cocoa. Of course, it was a pain to get the waitress’s attention when we were in here camping out with books. After half an hour, they basically left us alone, which was great, until we needed something.

I watched Eli at the counter and saw that he hadn’t actually had that much trouble getting the attention of the new, young waitress. I felt a little stab of jealousy.

Suddenly I wondered what Nick was doing right now. Probably taking a nap so that he could be handsome and awake for the adoring throng of girls at Revenge later tonight. I tried to quickly change the channel in my brain, looking down at the open textbook before me, but I couldn’t quite make my eyes focus on the words. I noticed some egg and coffee stains, though, and wondered if I would have to ask Callie for money to pay for the book at the end of the term.

“Here you go.” Eli set my very full mug of cocoa down in front of me.

“Did you forget …?” There were no marshmallows.

Eli grunted. “Who do you think you’re dealing with?” he asked, throwing an open bag of mini marshmallows on the table. It was still about half full.

“Wow — marshmallowpalooza. That girl must have really thought you were cute,” I observed.

I looked up at him and was surprised to see his cheeks a little pink with embarrassment. “Yeah,” was all he said.

“Hmm,” I responded. “Well, thanks for that.” I broke apart a blob of them — they were kind of melted together — and plopped them in my mug, overflowing the cocoa and adding a new stain to the Causes of World War I chapter.

“You’re not really up for studying today, are you?” Eli asked me.

“I thought I was,” I told him. “I just feel really distracted.”

He nodded. “I know what you mean.” He paused. “I got into Columbia.”

Why did it feel as though he’d just thrown cold water on my face? “Wow!” I managed. “That’s amazing! Go you — but how did you find out this early?”

“Early decision,” he told me. “It was my first choice, so I did the binding kind of early decision. So — I’m going. I mean, it’s decided.”

I closed my breakfast-enhanced history book and reached across the table to take his hands, which were clenched together. “I’m so glad you got in,” I told him. “I know that you’ve always wanted to go there. Of course you’ll go there. There’s no question. I mean, I was a little worried that Stan was going to send you to community college as punishment, but I guess I should have known that —”

“I want you to go there with me.” Eli put his hands around mine and tightened his grip. “I know you applied, and I think you could get in. And I want you to go with me.”

I took a deep breath. “I don’t know that I will get in,” I hedged. I was stalling, and he knew it.

“It doesn’t have to be Columbia,” he continued in that same patient yet intense voice. “Go to NYU, then. I’d just be uptown. We could meet in the middle. Chelsea, maybe.”

I felt his hands, tight around mine. It was hard to breathe.

“What I’m saying is that I want you to stay here, stay with me.”

“I …” I couldn’t speak; there was no air.

I felt him loosen his hold on my hands, but he still held them. Eli started tracing a circle with his thumb, over and over, on the side of my hand. That was making it even harder to think.

“I know you think you were in love with him,” he began, not meeting my eyes. “Maybe you really were. And maybe you are still. But he’s a good guy, Lexi. He let you go. He knows he’s not going in the same direction that you are. But I am. I want to — go where you go.”

“But you’ve already chosen where you’re going,” I said, my voice very low. His eyes lifted up to meet mine, his mouth opening already in protest or defense. I extricated my hand and raised it palm up. “It’s good that you did, it’s the right one for you. But, Eli — you’re not wanting to walk on
my
path with
me
, you want
me
to go along on
yours
. And I don’t know yet — what I want.”

“You applied to the University of Miami,” he said, and it was kind of an accusation. “I saw the application on your computer.”

“I wanted to keep all my options open. I guess I’m waiting for a sign, or inspiration, or … something.”

“Did you tell
him
you were applying?”

“Yeah. We’ve just texted a few times.”

“What does he say?”

“He said he knows I’ll find the right place.”

Now that I was back home, it didn’t really hurt anymore to think about Nick. It was just kind of nice to know he’d be there if I needed him.

“Well,” Eli began, recapturing the hand I’d freed and holding it between both of his. He leaned forward and looked in my eyes. “I wanted you to know that being with me is an option. So consider that while you’re deciding, yeah?”

The picture in my head wasn’t hard to conjure. Us — Eli and me, meeting up after class, getting coffee, studying, maybe here at this very diner. We could go hear bands on Saturday nights. We could live in a perfect little bubble. Most likely to never leave New York.

I’d only left because I hadn’t had a choice. Life had sort of forced me to be brave. Now I was back with a home and a parent, and I had choices again. I didn’t have to get on a bus and clean up after an elephant or become a tarot-card reader to survive.

And that’s when I realized why I couldn’t figure out my future. Even though I’d hated it at the time, I wanted that rush back — I wanted to be scared, I wanted to do something that I never thought I could. But if fate wasn’t going to force me into it this time, then it was up to me.

Lynchburg, Virginia — Saturday, February 5

Europa looked just the same, even though it was hundreds of miles north of Florida.

Lina and I had both been busy since I’d left, but we’d kept in touch. She’d been updating me on lots of Europa news, but the last time we’d talked she’d hinted about some big news that she wanted to share in person. When she sent me a plane ticket to Virginia, I knew she was serious. Lina picked me up at the airport, we dropped my bag off in my old room in her trailer, and then she pulled me along with her to the ring for her practice.

“You’ve had quite the effect on my little sister,” Lina said, shaking the excess chalk off her hands.

“Where
is
Liska?”

“That’s what I was talking about. She quit the act. That’s why she’s not here. She’s staying with a couple of
freshmen at the University of Central Florida — like a sleepover orientation or something. She’s planning on starting in the fall.”

“Seriously? That’s great! I mean, it is great, right? But you don’t really think it’s because of me?” I was trying not to grin too much in case Lina didn’t share my glee that Liska was going to go to school.

“Yes, and yes.” Lina smiled. “It’s totally your fault, but I’m really happy for her. And we’ll be cool here once we break in the new girl.” Lina cocked her head toward a very young and scared-looking girl wearing a leotard. “Louie found her last week. Name’s Katya.” Lina dropped her voice to a whisper. “She’s completely scared of me. I have no idea why.”

Lina shimmied up the rope ladder before I could blink, then hung upside down and grinned at me.

“Yeah, me neither,” I said dryly. “So was that the news you wanted to tell me?” I called up to her.

“
Big
news.” Upside-down Lina grinned. “You know how Jamie and I have been dating …”

I did — Lina’d been updating me about Jamie since Christmas. But I’d predicted the two of them a lot longer ago than that. I hadn’t even needed tarot cards.

Lina was sitting right-side up on the swing now. “He asked me to marry him. And I said
yes
!”

“Lina, congratulations! That’s amazing.” They were so young, but they were also so perfect for each other, I couldn’t really be too worried.

“I know, right? Okay, hold on one sec while I show Katya this trick. Katya, watch my arms this time, all right?” Lina swung back and forth a few times, did a double flip in midair, then dismounted gracefully off the side of the net. “Did you see what I did there? Now you go.” Lina turned to me. “She’ll get there. Listen, Lexi, why I really wanted you to come out — I didn’t want to ask over the phone. Will you be a bridesmaid?”

“Of course!” I told her, surprised how pleased I felt that she asked. Lina squealed and hugged me.

“When is it? Where is it?”

“May 7! But I haven’t really thought about the where part yet. It’ll be at home — wherever we are on the show schedule. I’ll look it up for you. I’m so glad you’re coming!” She hugged me again.

“I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

Lina frowned. “There’s one other thing I have to tell you. It’s about the summer. You remember Nick’s mom, right? Madame Tarus?”

I resolved to ignore her mentioning Nick. “She’s back with Europa, isn’t she?”

“Yes! But Louie will totally hire you for something else. He promised. In fact, you can even be the Go Fish girl if you want!”

“I think that game’s a jinx for me,” I told her.

“Maybe not. How’s Eli, by the way? It’s sort of romantic how he came after you and everything. And then you
fainted
… just like in a movie.”

“Remember when we were never going to bring that up again?”

Lina shook her head and laughed. “Nope. But listen, speaking of your flair for the dramatic, there’s one more reason I wanted you to come. There’s this thing we’re having tonight. We usually have it at the end of the season, but Louie was sick that week, so we moved it to this weekend. It’s a circus tradition. Jamie and I have this theory that you’d be pretty good at it.”

“What is it?” I asked, suspicious/intrigued.

“You’ll see. Listen, I have to work on some more stuff with Katya, but I’ll see you at home … at my trailer in an hour or so? I’ll fill you in then.”

I walked through the maze of trailers, and most of the people I passed said hi to me. For once I wasn’t in a hurry to get to one of my circus jobs, and I looked around. It was so familiar, even though I’d never been to this town before. I thought about how easy it was for Lina to disregard geography, though the rest of us were its prisoners. She didn’t really know — or care — where her wedding would be. She referred to “home,” but it wasn’t a place she referred to; it was Jamie, and Louie, and her sister, and even her brother, and the rest of the Europa show people. I guessed maybe that was the key — to figure out
who
your home was and find a way to keep them with you.

Jamie was waiting for me on the steps of Lina’s trailer.

“Hey, city girl.” He smiled. “I hear you’re going to do Midnight Clowns.”

“And I hear congratulations are in order,” I told him, and hugged him. “Wait, I’m going to do
what
?”

“Midnight Clowns. Remember when you promised?”

“I never …
ohh
…” Lina’s evil plan was becoming clear.

Jamie grinned. “Coming back to you now, is it?”

It was.

It was November, and Jamie had tricked me into saying yes to Midnight Clowns — the last night of the season, when the circus gets turned upside down. The crew and backstage people go out into the ring and put on a show, while the performers sit and watch. When Jamie had asked me, I’d protested first that I
had
a show with the Fortune Trailer. He said no way, I was still midway crew, like him.

He’d asked me what I wanted to do, and told me that the whole point of Midnight Clowns is to make fun of the show people. So I’d opened my mouth like an idiot and said I could do some impressions, maybe. All that time I’d spent people-watching during my solo summer in New York had made me kind of observant.

“Impressions of who?” He’d raised an eyebrow.

“Whoever,” I’d told him. “How about this one?” I’d stepped a few paces away from him and reached down into an imaginary bucket of chalk. When I straightened my shoulders, I stood far, far straighter than I normally would, as if an invisible iron rod ran through me, and I very precisely
coated my hands with the imaginary chalk, sucking in my cheeks a little as if the chalk displeased me.

I stopped when I heard Jamie burst out laughing. “Oh my God — that’s the
perfect
Liska. You
have
to do Midnight Clowns. That’s hysterical! Can you do more?”

I’d dropped the iron rod, began chewing some imaginary gum, and rolled the sleeves of my T-shirt over my imaginary guns. I leaned against the side of the novelties wagon where we stood, then looked Jamie up and down through hooded eyes. “Hey,” was all I said.

I’d watched his eyes grow larger. “You can’t do me! I mean, I’m not in the show. You can’t make fun of me. But that was pretty good,” he added grudgingly.

“You just asked if I could do more.” I smiled sweetly. “You didn’t specify who.”

“Well, figure out who else — who else
from the show
— you wanna do an impersonation of. You should do at least three,” he’d explained, and I’d nodded.

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

“So who are you going to do?” Jamie’s question brought me back to the present.

“That was a long time ago — I’m not with the crew anymore!” I protested. “It wouldn’t be right!”

“Oh, come on, Lexi. This is a small show. Everyone remembers you. You have to do it. You promised. Besides, it’s what Lina and I want for our wedding present.” He folded his arms across his chest and smiled smugly. He knew
he had me. After all, I was a sucker for a stupid romantic happy ending.

I stood in the center of the ring, my heart beating so loudly, I was kind of afraid I might actually die. I wanted to run out of there and just buy Lina and Jamie a blender or something.

Everyone’s eyes were on me, so I did the only thing I could think to do. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, I was a different person, someone much braver. I sauntered over to the chalk bucket, slathered some on, then very dramatically shook off the extra. It was then that I started to hear the laughing. I kept going, turning to the rope ladder that led up to the trapeze. I began to climb, being sure to add that certain something that Lina always put into her ascent. I knew I couldn’t take this impersonation too far — couldn’t actually perform on the trapeze, because, suicide. So I stopped climbing and called for Jamie, hearing Lina’s voice in my head and matching the pitch and tone.

“Jamie, hey…. this rigging feels kinda wrong. Will you fix it?” I batted my eyelashes toward an imaginary Jamie and heard a roar of laughter from the crowd in return.

Jamie actually came forward then, lifted me down. I played along, having to work hard not to laugh myself. Then Jamie grabbed my hand and we bowed quickly together, before he ran off to rejoin Lina. She was sitting there with tears running down her face; she was still laughing. She gave
me a huge grin and a thumbs-up sign. It was all the encouragement I needed.

I portrayed Louie next, and he obliged by throwing me his top hat. The crew especially seemed to love that one. I did Faina, the tightrope walker, pretending that the rope was too slack as an excuse for not going up, prancing up to the real Louie with my hands on my hips, complaining and blaming him for the weather and the direction my trailer was facing. “I wanted it north-northwest!” I found Faina in the crowd and was relieved to see she was laughing, too.

I took one more quick bow and ran off to lots of clapping. Nearly everyone I knew came up to congratulate me and tell me how funny I had been.

That was when it hit me. That night I figured out what scared me — made me feel alive. I realized that I wanted to learn how to be an actor, perform like I had that night, only better. Be sort of the opposite of invisible, and hear people clapping for
me
.

And what better place to learn that than New York?