THAT’S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES (25 page)

It must have been quite a scene. The little man, no more than five-foot-four, dressed completely in white, stood at center stage, playing pitch-and-catch with a chimp. But there was no ball in sight. Dr. John Harvey Kellogg was tossing pieces of steak at the chimp, who threw them right back. Then the good doctor reenacted the comic spectacle using a banana. This time, his costar didn’t return the toss. To the applause of the throng that had filled the great hall at the Sanitarium in Battle Creek, Michigan, the chimp happily ate the banana. “Even a dumb animal knows what it should eat and what it shouldn’t,” bellowed the doctor.

Kellogg then urged those audience members who were not convinced that his performance had proved the benefits of a vegetarian diet to come on stage for a more dramatic demonstration. He invited them to gaze through a microscope at a piece of steak and a sample of manure. To their horror, they saw that the meat harbored more bacteria than the excrement! After that shocking experience, few complained about the spartan vegetable-and-grain-based diet that was standard fare at “the San.”

In the late 1800s, the Battle Creek Sanitarium was the place to go if you wanted to be cured of a disease you didn’t really have. Kellogg and his staff catered to rich hypochondriacs, whom they generally diagnosed as suffering from “autointoxication.” The doctor was convinced that virtually all illnesses originated in the bowels, and that the “putrefaction changes which recur in the undigested residues of flesh foods” were to be blamed for disease. To cure autointoxication, you had to cleanse the bowels. In order to do this, Kellogg had at his disposal a variety of enema machines designed to flush the colon with impressive amounts of water in just a few seconds. He often boasted that he himself started the day with an enema. After flushing out a patient’s nether regions with water, the doctor subjected that patient to the yogurt treatment. From both ends. Dr. Kellogg believed that the bacteria used to make yogurt were protective against disease and “should be planted where they are most needed and may render the most effective service.”

There were other options for those who did not see the appeal of having yogurt pumped through their rear portals. The San’s “mechanotherapy” department had come up with the “vibratory chair,” a spring-loaded device that shook the patient violently to stimulate intestinal peristalsis. (See page 22.) Once toxins had been dislodged in this fashion, headaches and backaches would disappear, and, according to Kellogg, the body “would be filled with a healthy dose of oxygen.” And the San’s coffers would be filled with a healthy dose of money.

The San also offered a variety of baths: cold, hot, and electrified. If they didn’t shock the disease out of the unfortunate victim, then Dr. Kellogg resorted to surgery, removing the offending part of the intestine. Kellogg performed over 22,000 such operations during his career, with a remarkably low complication rate. He was actually a gifted surgeon. He had trained at the Bellevue Medical College in New York, and Ellen White, the leader of the Seventh-Day Adventist movement, had financed his education. White had opened the Health Reform Institute as a center for hydrotherapy and vegetarianism, but she wanted the place to have medical legitimacy. Kellogg came from an Adventist family, and he seemed the ideal candidate to run the institute.

At the age of twenty-four, John Harvey Kellogg took up the challenge, renaming the establishment where he would practice his particular blend of medicine and malarkey for sixty-two years. The Sanitarium was a grand place. Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, S.S. Kresge, and even President Taft were visitors. They came to exercise in special athletic diapers to the beat of “The Battle Creek Sanitarium March,” played by a brass band. They came to be dunked in electrified pools and to have various parts of their anatomies assaulted with streams of water. And they came for diet advice; they were told to eat what chimps eat — simple food and not too much of it. Kellogg insisted that eating meat was sexually inflammatory and would lead to “self-abuse,” which robbed the body of vigor and health. He even advised his patients to curtail their sexual activity. Kellogg lived by his theories and often proclaimed that he was living proof that sex was not necessary for good health. His marriage, he said, was never consummated. We have no record of Mrs. Kellogg’s views on this matter.

John Harvey Kellogg, with his brother Will Keith, developed a number of foods to replace meat in the diet. They came up with various nut butters, they were early proponents of soy, and they looked for various ways in which people could incorporate whole grains into their meals. The doctor was particularly fond of zwieback, a twice-baked biscuit that he claimed could help the bowels eliminate toxins. One day, an elderly patient broke her false teeth on some zwieback and demanded compensation from Kellogg. This prompted the brothers to cook up some wheat, pour the mush between rotating rollers, and produce wheat flakes. Cornflakes soon followed. John Harvey was only interested in the health properties of the new products. Could they serve as antidotes to the passions stirred up by meat? But Will was a businessman, and he was bent on commercialization. He eventually gained control of the family company after feuding with John Harvey, and he turned breakfast cereals into one of the world’s greatest business success stories.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg may have been eccentric, but in some ways he was ahead of his time. Menus at the San listed nutritional composition and calorie counts. He insisted that his patients get plenty of exercise and fresh air. Modern science has corroborated many of his ideas about vegetarianism, and research has shown the potential benefits of consuming foods containing certain types of live bacteria. Indeed, I’ve started to supplement my breakfast of cornflakes, flaxseeds, and blueberries with some live-culture yogurt. But only via the oral route.

Time to dip into the mailbag. I still do that, although I prefer to be questioned by e-mail. While we may worry about computer viruses, so far nobody has figured out a way to send anthrax spores via the Internet. But some people have certainly figured out how to inundate the public with scientific nonsense. One of my correspondents wanted an opinion on something called “Pi Water,” which he had discovered while surfing the Web. It’s a wondrous thing that slows aging, heals cuts, and — of course — cures cancer, diabetes, and hepatitis. These miracles are performed by something called “Pi energy,” with which the water is infused.

As it happens, I’m quite familiar with Pi Water, since several promoters of this marvelous product have approached me. These good Samaritans wanted to ensure that the public didn’t miss out on one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs of all time. Why worry about cancer and pollution when the solution is at hand? Pi Water, also referred to as “Living Water” or “High-Energy Water,” is quite different from water purified by reverse osmosis or distillation, I’ve been told. These waters are “wet, but dead.”

I must admit that I quite enjoyed learning some novel chemistry from the Pi Water “professors.” I thought I knew a little bit about water, but it seems that I’m woefully undereducated. I didn’t know, for example, that in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve drank no water. They consumed all the liquid they needed in the form of naturally grown fruits, vegetables, and herbs. Then Eve’s Original Sin put an end to their carefree existence. God drove them from Eden, and they had to start drinking from ponds, lakes, and rivers — presumably due to a lack of fruits and veggies outside the garden gates. And so our downward slide from optimal health began because these waters were devoid of Pi energy, which is apparently present in the juices of plants. Things have gone from bad to worse, because today’s processed water is “deader” than ever. As the Pi Water promoters explained to me, this dead water cannot carry chlorine out of our systems the way that high-energy water can. (I also learned that chlorine was originally added to water because “they didn’t know what to do with the poison gas that was left over from World War I.”)

But fret no more. Some wonderful technology developed by a Japanese researcher can reenergize our dead water. All we have to do is pass the water through a special filter equipped to release tiny amounts of “ferric ferrous salts” to restore its lost vigor. This energized water has an added benefit. It has been rid, I’m told, of any “memory” it may have acquired. I suppose that cruising through thousands of toilets can lead to some encounters that are best forgotten.

What are the technical details of his stupefying discovery? As I learned from one informative Web site, the astounding effects are due to “undulations of cosmic energy,” presumably focused by the “ferric ferrous salts.” Electrons in a water molecule start to spin faster and circle farther than they do in their usual orbit, causing them to achieve an “erected state.” (I kid you not.) But the electrons cannot maintain their erected state for too long, and they try to get back to their usual orbit. When the electronic erection is lost, the cosmic energy that had been absorbed is released. These energy-creating cycles provide the wizardry behind Pi Water. And what wizardry it is! Besides curing disease, Pi Water reduces the odor of any thirsty pig that may drink it. It even makes chickens lay more, and fresher, eggs — and we certainly wouldn’t want our chickens to lay old eggs. Sugar addiction succumbs to Pi Water too. A dentist writes, “the sucrose molecule combines with the dead water everyone drinks and makes it more easily drawn into our cells. Living water doesn’t do this.”

Is there anything positive to say about such poppycock? Well, the filters that certain entrepreneurs are selling based on the claim that they energize water may be quite suitable as simple water filters. Like any filter, they contain activated carbon, which does remove some impurities. But that has nothing to do with electronic erections. For those consumers who want the advantages of Pi Water without investing in a filter, there is a solution. In fact, it’s a concentrated solution. Believe it or not, “essence” of Pi Water is available, and a few drops added to regular, dysfunctional water will viagrate it and allow it to perform like Pi Water. But the only performance I think it is capable of is raising false hopes.

Let me tell you something about cancer cells. They rush around in the blood before settling down somewhere to wreak havoc. This happens if the smallest blood vessels in the body, the capillaries, are in disorder and the cells cannot pass through them. They get stuck and begin to proliferate. To prevent the fury of cancer from being unleashed, we have to ensure that the capillaries expand so that the cancer cells can pass through. Eventually, finding no comfortable spot in which to multiply, the cancer cells are taken care of by the immune system. Capillaries expand when heated, and they contract when the body loses heat. Most of our body heat is radiated away in the form of infrared energy, having wavelengths in the eight-to-ten-micron region. So, if we generate infrared radiation in the same region and direct it at the body, then according to the principle of “complementary rays,” we can prevent heat loss and reduce the risk of cancer. It’s easy to do. You just have to spend thirty minutes twice daily lying in a device known as the Far Infrared Ray Hothouse, which will stimulate blood flow throughout the body. Sounds appealing, right?

Now let me tell you something else. This fascinating information doesn’t come from me; it comes from the manufacturers of the Hothouse. Furthermore, it is utter nonsense. But it does a pretty good job of masquerading as science. The Hothouse looks something like a truncated doghouse that is open at both ends; it’s only about a foot and a half wide. You lie inside it and experience a warm sensation, which “not only affects cancer cells but also, remarkably, helps alleviate arthritis, gout, ulcers, insomnia, aging skin, high blood pressure, pimples, and pain in the anus.” It actually gives me the latter. Why? Because I find it painful to see sick people taken advantage of with false promises. I find it disturbing that the makers of a related product, a blanket, claim to use a “special light-energized bio-ceramic powder, activated by the body’s own heat to produce far-infrared radiation.” This balderdash just means that if you wrap yourself in a blanket you’ll get warm. “Far-infrared radiation” is just technospeak for “heat.” On one level, it’s kind of amusing — did you know that “this energy breaks large water molecules into smaller ones, releasing trapped toxins in the process”? This may set the record for the most nonsense squeezed into the fewest words. Water molecules do not come in sizes. And they do not release toxins in response to infrared radiation.

Can this inanity be matched? You bet. By the proponents of “Energems.” Like the infrared devices, these products are supposed to protect health and treat disease. Now hang on to your hats — here’s the theory. The electricity that comes into your home is full of toxins that will enter your food, water, and body. This can be proven by “applied kinesiology.” A kinesiologist can, for example, place a glass of water on top of a television set and then test it for toxins. To perform the test, he or she will ask a subject to stretch out one arm parallel to the ground while holding the water glass in the other hand. The kinesiologist then tries to push the extended arm down; next, the subject puts the glass down, and the kinesiologist pushes on the arm again. If the arm goes down more easily when the subject is holding the glass, it means that the poisons are at work, weakening the body. Apparently, if the TV is tuned to mtv the sample turns particularly toxic. What is the source of these electrical toxins? The U.S. Army’s Ground Wave Emergency Network, a series of transmission towers spread across the country. The network creates areas of “geopathic stress.” We can easily recognize such areas because in them the blood of normal individuals has a clockwise rotation; people living in stressed areas have a counterclockwise spin. This gobbledygook is certainly enough to make anyone’s head spin.

Energems are the weapons we must use to counter this toxic assault on our health. They transmute electrically transmitted toxins. But what are they? To me they look like ordinary colored pebbles. Their promoters assure me that they are anything but. The Energems people have used a computer to transfer beneficial energies to the stones. You place them on the TV, the microwave, and the fridge to neutralize the electrical toxins emanating from these appliances. Be sure to tape one to your cell phone as well, because, as everyone knows, cell phone use reduces nutrient levels in our bodies — the same thing happens when we eat food that has been exposed to microwaves. Energems are also being developed for neutralizing lawn mowers and dental currents. I don’t know about marketing the latter. Chewing on pebbles, computer-energized or not, doesn’t sound particularly pleasant.

Energems can’t solve all of our problems. If you have a lightning protection system on your house, you must remove it because it works like a cap to hold in bad energies. We know this because the dead husband of the woman who invented Energems communicated the information to his spouse through a medium. Energems do not come cheap: they cost ninety-nine dollars each. That’s because they can’t be mass-produced. Each one has to be appropriately energized. You cannot use your Energem pet protector to detoxify your car. Yet, mercifully, as new toxins enter the environment, you do not need to purchase new Energems. You can send your old ones in to be upgraded, for a “nominal fee.”

Still, Energems are a bargain compared with the Bio-Mat system, which also improves health by reducing arthritis pain, controlling back pain, relieving stress, and expelling those ever-present toxins. Needless to say, Bio-Mat prevents cancer too. How? Well, it’s made with yellow mud, natural jade, and a variety of fibers; it also emits long-wave infrared rays (those magical rays again), which penetrate the body. “There is data to suggest,” its promoters say, “that cancer cells die at temperatures above 45
^o
C.” Yeah, and so do people. If you decide to fork over fifteen hundred dollars for this miracle, you will have bought yourself a very nice . . . electric blanket. I must bring this narrative to a close because I have run out of synonyms for nonsense. Okay — maybe I can come up with one more. Just think what we could do for our creaky medical system if we could funnel all the money spent on such poppycock into it instead.