The Accidental Proposal (35 page)

‘That’s easy for you to say.’

‘But it’s not just me, is it? Isn’t there some bollocks in the marriage vows about from this day forward?’

‘Yes, but . . .’

‘Well, there you go. And that’s not my words,’ he says, jumping off his stool and making his way towards the toilet. ‘But
God’s
.’

I watch him go, realizing that although he’s partly right, I still feel worried about the whole thing. And it’s hard to explain, because while I’m sure lots of men get last-night jitters, that’s more about whether they’re simply doing the right thing.
My
problem is whether I’m doing the right thing under the circumstances – or rather, whether I’ve already done the wrong thing – and yet, I’m still not sure what those circumstances are. Do I want to get married to Sam? Of course I do. Do I want to get married if she’s been cheating on me? That’s a harder one to answer. Do I want to get married knowing there’s a possibility I’ve betrayed her? No. But is that only because I’m worried what will happen if I get found out? That’s a lot harder to answer.

Not for the first time, I find myself wishing I could take Dan’s somewhat shallow approach to these things, and regard it all as water under the bridge. Trouble is, as far as I’m concerned, you can only have so much of that before the foundations get swept away.

While Dan might just be able to dismiss this kind of thing with a shrug of his shoulders, and even think that he and Polly have a chance simply because he’s prepared to say ‘sorry’, I’m just not like that. From my point of view, it’s worse to be the offender than the offended.

But then again, maybe he’s right; if I can forgive, or even
ignore
what I think Sam might have been up to, then surely she can do the same where I’m concerned. And if, tomorrow, I promise to be faithful, and maintain that for the rest of our lives together, then isn’t that the best anyone can hope for?

But at the same time, I recognize the fundamental flaw in this approach. A year ago, when we nearly split up over a silly misunderstanding, I promised Sam I wouldn’t keep any secrets from her, and so what if this mystery woman comes forward – maybe even tomorrow – to announce that she and I spent the night together? How is Sam going to feel then – firstly about the betrayal, and secondly about the secret-keeping? Or what if that happens after a few years? Sam’s going to feel that the whole marriage has been based on a lie. And that can’t be good.

‘Anyway,’ continues Dan, leaping back up onto his stool, ‘back to me and Polly.’

‘So, what are you planning?’

Dan opens his mouth to answer, but then thinks better of it, possibly because Wendy’s just reappeared.

‘All set, then?’ she says, pouring Dan a pint from the now non-spluttering tap. ‘No last-minute jitters?’

I’m just about to answer, when Dan interrupts. ‘Nope. I’ve been rehearsing my speech, and everything.’

‘Not you, big head.’

Dan laughs. ‘We haven’t called him that for ages.’

‘Not “Big Ed”, Dan. She was referring to me.’

He frowns. ‘That’s what I meant.’

Wendy looks confusedly at the two of us. ‘I’m sorry. What exactly are you talking about?’

For a moment, I think about spilling everything to her, but realize I don’t actually know where to start, so decide to go for the safer option. ‘I was just quizzing Dan about his one true love, but he seems to be a little tongue-tied.’

‘Himself? That’s one subject he normally doesn’t have much trouble talking about.’

‘Haven’t you got some customers to ignore?’ Dan scowls at her. ‘
Polly
.’

Wendy widens her eyes. ‘Polly? Is she back on the scene, then?’

I smile. ‘Not yet. But she’s going to be at the wedding. And Dan’s determined to get her back.’

‘As opposed to getting her on her back?’

‘Wendy, please. He’s serious.’

‘Sorry. But back in what way?’ she asks. ‘For good? Am I going to have to buy another hat?’

Dan glances briefly at me. ‘You might not be needing the first one.’

‘Pardon?’

‘Nothing, Wendy,’ I say. ‘Get on with it, Dan.’

He shifts uncomfortably on his stool. ‘Just, you know,
back
. See whether she’ll give me a second chance.’

‘To do what? Break her heart?’

Dan winces. ‘That’s all in the past. I’ve just been thinking about what Ed said. About settling down. I thought I might give it a try. And Ed’s wedding is my beggar-near-the-cashpoint opportunity.’

Wendy waits for the inevitable punchline, but when none comes, raises both eyebrows even higher. ‘I’ve a feeling I might regret asking, but I’m going to have to get you to explain that one.’

Dan takes a sip of his lager. ‘Why do you think beggars always hang around next to cashpoint machines?’ he says, stifling a burp. ‘Because they know you’ve just got some money out, so you’re going to be feeling more generous. Polly’s going to be sensing the love in the air between Ed and Sam, so – hopefully – she’s going to be feeling the same. And therefore more likely to send a little bit my way. Or at least, respond a bit better to my, you know . . .’

‘Begging?’ I suggest.

‘I’m impressed, Dan,’ says Wendy. ‘But how? More importantly, why?’

‘That’s just what I was trying to get to the bottom of,’ I say. ‘And Dan was just going to explain what was so special about Polly, and why it was going to make him change his ways and commit.’

‘He was?’ This comes from Dan, not Wendy.

‘Hang on.’ Wendy hurries round to our side of the bar and hops up onto a stool. ‘I’ve got to hear this.’

‘So, come on, Dan,’ I say. ‘Prove to me that you’re serious.’

‘I don’t need to prove it,’ he insists. ‘I
am
serious.’

‘Well, in that case, spill. What is it about Polly that makes her so special?’

‘What is it about Sam that makes
her
so special, smart arse?’

‘You first.’

‘Why?’ wails Dan.

‘Because I asked first.’

Two minutes later, Wendy and I are still waiting.

‘Come on, Dan,’ she says. ‘There must be something.’

‘There’s just so much, you know? I’m struggling to put it into some sort of order.’

‘We don’t need it alphabetically, Dan. Just tell us – I don’t know – what it was you first noticed about her, for example.’

As soon as the words have left my mouth, I’m regretting my choice of phrase. Normally, there are two things that Dan first notices about women, and there are no prizes for guessing what those are. But instead of answering in his usual, predictably sexist way, Dan seems to actually be giving it some thought.

Or perhaps not.

‘I dunno.’

‘Come on. This is the woman who’s going to make you forsake all others, so there must be something.’

‘Forsake?’ says Dan, looking as though he’s desperate to talk about something else. ‘Is that something rude? I mean, I’ve always thought it was short for “for fuck’s sake”, and—’

‘Stop avoiding the question.’

Dan looks at me, then at Wendy, and then sighs. ‘Okay. It was right here,’ he says, pointing to the section of the bar in front of him as if there should be a blue commemorative plaque above it. ‘The twenty-third of June, two thousand and two. Around seven fifteen p.m. I was waiting for you, Ed. Do you remember?’

I do actually, mainly because by the time I arrived, Dan was talking to this vision, and ignored me for the rest of the evening as he proceeded to try and get her phone number. Although in his defence, the way she looked that evening, I’d have ignored me too.

‘I can’t say I do,’ I lie. ‘Refresh my memory.’

‘Well, I was sitting here at the bar, and you were late, and then the door opened, and I looked up, expecting it to be you and Jane, and instead, these two women walked in . . .’

‘One of whom was Polly?’

Dan sighs. ‘No, Ed. These were just two random women who I’m telling you about to stretch out the story.
Of course
one of them was Polly. And anyway, I must have been sitting here with my mouth wide open, because as they walked past me, Polly smiled at me and asked me if I was catching flies, and I thought she’d said I had something caught in my flies, and . . . Anyway, that’s not important.’

‘Who was the friend?’

Dan shrugs. ‘I can’t recall now. But I remember everything about Polly: her smile, what she was wearing, the way she walked . . .’

Wendy raises one eyebrow sceptically. ‘Really? What was she wearing, then?’

‘Faded-blue jeans, 501s, I think,’ says Dan, without hesitation. ‘White Adidas trainers. A T-shirt with ‘Oasis’ written on the front. And she had a blue Umbro sports bag across her shoulder.’

I’m amazed, particularly given Dan’s usual powers of recall. It’s a bit like watching one of those YouTube clips of a cat playing the piano – you know it’s wrong, and you don’t quite believe it’s real, but you can’t help but be fascinated. I’m not the only one; Wendy shakes her head in disbelief.

‘Dan Davis, you old softie,’ she says. ‘I never thought you had it in you. So what was it about Polly that made you fall for her? Her eyes like limpid pools? The way the sunlight tumbled through her hair?’

Dan takes a mouthful of beer, and shakes his head. ‘Nope. It was that Umbro bag, actually.’

Wendy and I exchange glances. ‘The Umbro bag?’ she says.

Dan nods. ‘Yup. She had the strap over her shoulder so it ran down between her breasts, pulling her T-shirt so tight I could practically make out the lace pattern on her bra.’ He stops talking, and smiles at the memory. ‘There are some sights that are just so erotic.’

Wendy shakes her head. ‘So that’s your romantic “how we met” story? You were staring at her tits, and she accused you of catching flies?’

He nods. ‘Well, that’s about the size of it. Anyway, I just had to talk to her, but I found myself a little tongue-tied, to be honest. I mean, I didn’t know what to say, and I’d never found myself that way with a woman before. It quite threw me. But then she came back over and asked if the stool next to me was free, and I said “No”, and she said, “Oh, I’m sorry, are you waiting for someone?”, and I was just about to say “You, and I have been for all my life”, and ask her to sit down, when, well, Ed appeared.’

‘Which didn’t seem to phase you. Judging by how you carried that stool down to the other end of the bar for her.’

Wendy smiles, appreciatively. ‘Very gallant of you, Dan.’

I laugh. ‘It would have been, if he hadn’t then made me stand up for the rest of the night.’

‘I got her number, though,’ says Dan, the end clearly justifying the means in his eyes.

As Wendy snorts in derision and heads off to serve some other customers, Dan picks up his beer and beckons for me to follow him towards the pool table.

‘And just how did you do that?’ I say.

‘Simple.’ Dan slots a pound coin into the slider, releasing the balls noisily. ‘You’ve got to use everything at your disposal. So when I saw the Oasis T-shirt, it was easy.’

‘How so?’

‘Well, all I had to do was point at her chest, and say “They’re fantastic”. She got all embarrassed, then when I explained her mistake, and that I was referring to the band . . .’ He grins. ‘Suddenly, she’s on the back foot, and I’m in control. S’easy.’

I pull the triangle out of the slot at the other end of the table, and set the balls up. ‘And that’s going to work this time, is it?’

‘Unless she wears an Oasis T-shirt to your wedding, possibly not.’ Dan chalks the end of his cue, places the chalk carefully down on the side of the table, then nods towards the white ball, indicating that I should break. ‘Anyway, I was thinking . . .’

‘Careful,’ I say, leaning down next to him and lining up my shot. ‘You know what the doctor said about you trying to do two things at once. And breathing’s more important.’

Dan looks at me for a moment, then picks the chalk back up and touches it to the end of my nose. ‘Very funny. This is serious.’

I rub the blue smear off with the back of my hand, then wipe that on Dan’s jeans. ‘What is?’

‘What I was thinking about.’

‘Which was?’ I ask, automatically.

‘My tactics.’

‘Tactics?’

‘Yeah. I was wondering whether maybe I should invite someone. You know, as my guest.’

‘What?’ I fire the white ball down towards the other end of the table, then groan as it glances off the side of the pack and into the corner pocket. ‘Why?’

‘To make Polly jealous, of course.’

‘Great idea,’ I say. ‘Instead of just doing what most normal people would do –talking to her – you want to play games and make her jealous by taking someone else.’

‘I thought so too.’ Dan retrieves the white ball from the slot and positions it in the ‘D’. ‘Clever, eh?’

‘And what happens then? Either she sees you with another woman and thinks you’re off-limits, or you try and chat her up despite having this other woman in tow, and she thinks worse of you for doing that to someone else.’