The Affair (22 page)

Nina had made her decision some time over the past two days but she couldn’t pinpoint exactly when. She had looked at her predicament from every angle and gradually come to the decision that it was best if she did go to see Leo. Just one last time. She had rehearsed what she would say. She would be cool and direct. She would keep it as simple as possible, telling him she loved her husband, while being as careful of Leo’s feelings as she could. She would avoid all patronising cliches. She would not say ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ or ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’

She would make him see that she was wrong to have ever started this, she realised that now. She had made her decision and she was immovable on it. He must never contact her again. It was over. Somehow she would say all of these things nicely. Naturally he would be disappointed, but he would be stoic and accepting. He would wish her well, she would wish him well and then she would leave. She would come home and resume her life with James.

It seemed straightforward enough and she held tightly to that thought. She had the unsettling feeling that she was not being realistic but she told herself it
had
to go this way. She had to set things right, for everybody’s sake.

Nina and Tiger set off along the path through the park. The sky was overcast but the temperature mild. Still, the park was busy. Even without sun there were sunbathers in bikinis napping on towels. Two teams of teenage boys enjoyed a loud and energetic game of cricket. When she walked past
that
tree Nina deliberately looked away. To distract herself she thought instead of the rabbit lady and wondered where she was today.

As she followed the path along the low stone fence at the water’s edge to the marina, she felt self-conscious. Was he watching her from one of those boats?

It was only a quarter to twelve when she reached the Cruising Yacht Club. She allowed Tiger to stop and sniff another dog on the footpath. It was a border collie puppy and more than
twice Tiger’s size. But Tiger was fearless. Nina smiled, despite her nerves. It released some tension.

With a deep breath she picked up Tiger and tucked him into her large, loose shoulder bag and entered the gate to the marina. She followed the yachties who were heading for their boats, carrying sailing bags and eskies. They all seemed purposeful, intent on their business, nodding to each other and exchanging the occasional brief greeting. A laughing group of men in suits and women in hats suddenly engulfed her. They seemed to be forming a procession behind a pram and she found herself being carried along with them.

A woman thrust a huge brightly wrapped box into her hands. ‘I left my camera in the car. Can you give this to Kate?’

Nina looked at her blankly.

‘You are part of Scarlett’s christening lunch?’ insisted the woman. She stared at Nina, obviously waiting for some sort of response.

Nina couldn’t think what to say. She wondered what the woman was talking about. She was in too much of a state of anxiety to process sudden, unexpected information. ‘Sorry?’

The woman clearly thought Nina was an idiot and snatched the box back in a huff. The group disappeared inside the doors to the function rooms, leaving Nina alone outside. She felt out of place, like a piece of flotsam being swept along in other people’s currents. Nina desperately didn’t want to draw attention to herself but she knew her very hesitancy made her stand out.

She was glad of her hat and sunglasses. She felt conspicuous and half-expected to hear someone call out her name. Some business associate of James’s. Or Felix and Miranda, here for an impromptu harbourside lunch. She kept her head down and headed for the boats moored to a maze of floating pontoons. She strode purposefully ahead, pretending she knew where she was going.

The boats looked even more impressive up close, so much pristine white fibreglass and gleaming steel. They screamed of money and privilege. A middle-aged couple in shorts scrubbed the deck of their boat, nodding to her as she passed. She walked past dozens of boats. Their names were clearly painted on their sides.
Unicorn. Nerves Like
Steel. Fishmonger. Lady 6. Jack of Hearts. Anaconda.
But no
Bessie.

The pontoon swayed slightly beneath her feet while Tiger struggled in her bag. Lots of interesting sights and smells for him. He wanted to sniff around, but Nina held him tightly to her. At the end of the row Nina realised this was going to be harder than she had first thought. She was tempted to give up and go home but now she was here that seemed cowardly. She retraced her steps and approached the couple cleaning their boat.

‘Oh yes,
Bessie
,’ said the woman. ‘Lovely timber sloop. You’ll find her up there.’ She gestured along another branch of the pontoon.

Nina thanked her and followed her directions. She felt incredibly nervous. She didn’t want to be here and she didn’t want to have to do this. But she
knew she had to set things right. She was obsessed with the idea that James would somehow find out. It was incongruous that she should be so worried now when she had been blissfully cavalier about it before. It had been part of the excitement, all that risk and danger. As she looked at herself and her behaviour, she wasn’t proud.

Let’s get this over with, she thought, gritting her teeth.

Leo was standing on a boat about twenty metres away when she saw him. He was leaning against some vertical ropes just watching her, his head cocked to one side and beaming with that lopsided grin. He waved a pair of binoculars above his head in greeting. Nina had the impression he had been standing there, watching her for some time. She forced a smile and returned his wave.

Every step towards him was agony. Every instinct screamed flee, run. But she continued down the pontoon, placing one foot in front of the other. As she reached the boat she set Tiger down to give herself a chance to compose herself.

When she looked up there he was, just a few feet away from her. Baggy white shorts. Baseball cap. Open, friendly smile that encompassed everything in its path. Nina remembered him. Oh, how she remembered him. He radiated mischief and good humour. She felt herself falter.

He held out his hand for her to board. Nina hesitated. She had not intended to get on his boat. How unrealistic she had been. She could hardly say what she had to say from here, calling out to him
on board. Just a few metres away a man sprayed a hose across the side of a neighbouring boat. He was looking at Nina with interest.

She took Leo’s hand and stepped onto the wooden deck, looking down into the small gap of water. Tiger had never been on a boat – his tail wagged and he panted with excitement as Nina released him from her bag. But when the floor started to sway he barked at it, backing away in confusion till he reached the edge of the boat.

He looked so comical Nina had to laugh.

‘Oh, how I’ve missed that sound,’ said Leo.

He was still holding her hand. Nina pulled it gently away. He was smiling at her, his eyes expressing his joy. Nina couldn’t bring herself to return his gaze. She dropped her bag onto the deck and looked around the boat, following the movements of Tiger who was poking his nose into bundles of coiled ropes. The boat was all polished wood and gleaming brass with one tall mast and a huge mainsail rolled up against it. Even knowing nothing about boats, Nina couldn’t help but be impressed.

‘Welcome aboard
Bessie
,’ said Leo. ‘An Admiral’s Cup contender from 1976, lovingly restored by me, and now the terror of the CYC and all of Sydney Harbour. She may not be modern but she’s fast.’ He was clearly in his element.

Nina was concentrating on the shifting balance of her body weight as the boat swayed. It wasn’t unpleasant, just disconcerting. She kept her feet apart, standing as firmly as she could, feeling her weight pass from one foot to the other, then back
again. Leo, by contrast, was darting about, light on his feet, gesturing and talking very fast, never taking his eyes off Nina.

‘She has one mast, one mainsail, one gib and, over there but not visible, a spinnaker. Down there is the cabin, sometimes called a saloon, where our champagne is chilling. It also has any amenities you might need while on board.’

Then before Nina realised what he was doing, he had picked up her shoulder bag from by her feet and tossed it down into the cabin.

‘Rule one in sailing – no mess on top. Actually you shouldn’t have any mess down below either, but I’m not such a stickler for that.’

Tiger watched the shoulder bag fly over his head and barked as it landed on a leather bench down below. He stood at the top of the wooden stairs, staring after it, looking at Nina, then staring back down into the cabin.

‘You can go down. It’s okay,’ said Leo.

He dropped himself onto the stairs in one easy, graceful motion, scooping up Tiger on the way.

Nina moved carefully to the top of the steps and looked down. It was beautiful inside the cabin. The walls were covered in wooden panels with gleaming brass fittings. Small round portholes let in a little light and the oil lamps cast a soft warm glow across all the polished wood. Two long seats faced a small table.

‘Come on down,’ said Leo.

Nina put one foot gingerly on the top step. She wasn’t sure she was brave enough to take the
weight off it to step down. She felt incredibly clumsy and heavy. Leo, seeing her hesitancy, put his hand out and Nina took it. She clutched it and with her other hand clung to the doorway as she eased herself down the stairs. She felt better, more secure, when she reached the bottom. She sank onto the seat.

The kitchen reminded Nina of a dolls’ house, everything smaller than normal and neatly compacted. Next to the small stove stood an ice-filled silver bucket with the unmistakable gold tops of champagne and wine.

Next to that was an espresso maker and an unopened packet of Lavazza coffee, placed so she would be sure to see it.

Nina winced.

The cabin ended with what looked to Nina like a double bed piled high with huge sumptuous cushions. The whole scene looked sinfully opulent and romantic.

No,
Nina screamed inside.

She turned to Leo. He was looking at her with unabashed delight. He was so pleased to see her.

‘I can’t stay … I’m sorry …’ she stammered.

Nina felt another wave of guilt. This hurt. It was so hard. How could she not have realised it would be like this. No matter what she did or how she did it, she was going to hurt someone. To say she was hurting as well was too glib.

She reverted to her planned speech. ‘I came here today to tell you I can’t see you any more. Leo, I’m sorry. I believe I have shared the most
extraordinary time with you, but I was wrong to have started it in the first place.’

Her words sounded stiff and formal to her own ears. They had struck just the right note when she tried them out in the shower that morning, whispering them into the tiled corner while warm water cascaded down her back. Now they sounded all wrong. But she had nothing else in her repertoire, nothing to fall back on, so she kept going, her voice flat and toneless.

‘I am married, which I guess you probably realised. And I have behaved very badly to my husband, who is a good and decent man and who I love very much. I cannot allow what was happening between us to develop any further. I must stop it. I’m sorry. Please forgive me for any hurt I may have caused you. I have been unbelievably selfish and I know now it is time for me to set things right.’

All the while she spoke he watched her. He looked at her eyes, which seemed so heavy and sad. Her slim shoulders were tense, the bones forming sharp peaks. Her hands were not the fluttering birds he so loved to watch as she waved them about to make a point. They stayed firmly by her side. She seemed flattened somehow in the way she was relating to him. It was like a screen had gone up. He heard her words but only dimly, perceiving them vaguely at some level in the back of his brain but not really digesting their meaning. He was reading the anguish in her body.

Something had happened to her to bring about
such a dramatic change. Who was this bastard husband? Had he found out about them and threatened her? Had he hurt her? It seemed to Leo that she was holding herself very tightly in check. She was nervous, hovering on the edge of hysteria. He meant her no harm so it didn’t occur to him that the perceived threat may be coming from him.

‘My darling girl. How can I help you? What can I do?’ He put his arms out to embrace her, to pull her to him. It was instinctive but not what Nina was expecting. He wasn’t listening to her. She recoiled, leaping up off the seat.

‘No,’ she said sharply, stumbling away from him. The cabin was small and there was nowhere for her to go. She bounced off the wall and back into Leo’s arms. At his touch she flung herself away from him again, smashing her shoulder against the large oil lamp by the entrance and sending glass shards flying onto the cabin floor. The lamp tipped sideways, straining against its wall screws and spilling some of its fuel, then it swung upright again, somehow staying alight. Tiger, unnerved by the breaking glass and change in mood, started to bark and race around between their legs.

The sudden loud commotion on top of her already taut nerves panicked Nina and the cabin felt suddenly unbearably claustrophobic. The smell of kerosene from the spilled lamp filled the air. Leo was too close. She could smell his sweat and feel his physicality. He seemed to be everywhere, coming towards her, threatening to engulf her. She wanted to be away from him. She couldn’t breathe. She
wanted to be in fresh air. It was an urgent need that overrode everything else.

‘No, no, no,’ she cried out, grabbing her shoulder bag and starting up the stairs.

‘I
have
to go,’ she screamed.

She swayed and banged against the doorway. Tiger followed, shooting past her legs up to daylight.

It all seemed to happen in slow motion for Leo. As Tiger bolted past Nina he saw her start to stumble. He put his hands around Nina’s waist to help her. She thought he was trying to hold her back and thrashed out wildly, flinging her shoulder bag out as much to ward him off as to steady herself. She connected again with the brass lamp. The screws, already loosened, were no match for the heavy contents of her bag and the burning lamp started to come away from the wall. Leo let go of Nina to catch it, bouncing the brass fuel pot in the air. It was hot and wet with kerosene and slipped out of his grasp, flying upwards and spilling fuel all over him. Leo watched in horror as the bright orange-and-blue flame from the lit wick followed the kerosene’s course along his bare skin.